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Master never acknowledged my birthday.... :( - 10/11/2004 6:17:30 AM   
inadazey


Posts: 69
Joined: 10/7/2004
Status: offline 		I'm new to this site and the forums, but I was just hoping to get advice on something that has been troubling me for months, even though I've tried to get over it...
My Master and I got together the first week of May, and had a connection like I'd never experienced from day one. My birthday was June 30, and I mentioned it a the week before, when he was saying that his daughter's birthday was on the 28th. My birthday came and went without a word from him, and I was so sad. A couple of days later, after him asking me what was bothering me, I was able to tell him in an e-mail (I'm not very assertive) that I was really hurt that he hadn't even acknowledged my birthday. He wrote back right away, saying he was sorry and would make it up to me. And I waited and waited, but he never said or did anything.... :(
About a month later, we had a sort-of break up; I didn't really want to break up with him, I just wanted him to treat me more like he cared about me. When I was talking on the phone to him about breaking up, one of the things I mentioned was how he'd never done anything about my birthday, not even a card or saying happy birthday. We got back together within a couple of weeks, and he collared me in the beginning of September. I was still so sure that he'd do something, or surprise me with something, for my missed birthday... but nothing ever happened.
So it's now more than three months later, and it's still like I never had a birthday. I've tried to forget it and get over it, but I still think about it, and it makes me really sad. I love him so much, I have a connection with him like I've never had, and I don't want to be with anyone but him, but I still just feel so sad and hurt when I think about it, and how he pretends like my birthday and my being so hurt by him because of it never happened. I mean, he know when it is/was... we even now have a couple profile on the website we met through that states our birthdays. So it seems like he decided that we'd both just forget about it. But I haven't been able to forget, and in some ways, even though it's 3 months later, it hurts even more now, because I'm owned by him, I'm getting a tattoo to mark me as his, and it feels like he doesn't care enough, even now, to in some way acknowledge my birthday that passed.
I've tried to forget about it and put it out of my mind.. but the opposite has happened, because each day that passes without him saying or doing anything feels like rubbing salt into the wound. I know I should just get over it and deal with it.. it's probably stupid and immature for me to care so much, but I can't help how I feel. And even if I were good enough about speaking up to say something to him now, I'd feel stupid for still thinking about it more than 3 months later.
Well, I'm sorry this turned into a long whine (I thought it was going to be a quick question when I decided to post!), so thank you to anyone who got this far!!! *L* But basically my question is: what would you do if you were in my place? Any replies will be much appreciated! :) TY.

Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Master never acknowledged my birthday.... :( - 10/11/2004 6:48:31 AM   
cynnacent1


Posts: 340
Joined: 6/25/2004
From: Massachusetts
Status: offline 		inadazey,

i've been where you are right now with your feelings about your birthday having not been acknowledged. At that time, in regard to feeling as if the one i was involved with didn't care enough ... i took a moment to stop and look back. i did my best to remember WHAT he HAD done up until that point that demonstrated to me whether he truly cared or not, and then did my best to analize the relationship. i made it a point to not base an entire relationship on the fact that he either forgot or chose not to acknowledge an important date. i had to decide for myself, based on the degree of qualities that he had expressed in the past, whether the incident was a red flag, and whether the relationship was worth continuing or not.

i know that in speaking for myself (and what being collared means to me), if i were in a situation where i harbored questionable feelings of such, i'd not accept a collar with such doubts running through my heart & mind.

That said, in questioning whether i am justified to feel certain feelings in a relationship: If i can feel it, it is real and worthy of my stopping, taking note of said feelings, and addressing them accordingly.

(in reply to inadazey)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Master never acknowledged my birthday.... :( - 10/11/2004 6:51:34 AM   
sweetpleaser


Posts: 689
Joined: 8/5/2004
From: Florida
Status: offline 		I understand how you feel about not getting attention on your birthday. It was an oversight on his part and he said he was sorry. That was the end of the issue in his mind, I assume. You are hanging on to that resentment and it is VERY bad for your relationship. You must talk to him about how you feel. Resolve this now or it will get worse. Do you really want to ruin what you have started to build up with him? Obviously he cares for you or he wouldn't have given you a collar. Sometimes men do not see birthdays as being that important, not to excuse it, but if it hurts you that bad you need to tell him so. Don't feel stupid about this, you have a right to your emotions. Men can't read our minds. Tell him what you want to show you he cared about your birthday, i.e. a belated birthday card or flowers.

Good luck,
ann

_____________________________

~ann~

It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men.--Mae West

(in reply to inadazey)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Master never acknowledged my birthday.... :( - 10/11/2004 7:47:51 AM   
FortWayneSub


Posts: 14
Joined: 9/27/2004
Status: offline 		Sweet pleaser is on the right track here. He likely thinks that this is no longer a issue. Try talking to him about it.

(in reply to sweetpleaser)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Master never acknowledged my birthday.... :( - 10/11/2004 9:02:09 AM   
theroebabe


Posts: 3155
Joined: 7/25/2004
Status: offline 		Well my two cents are these:

you seem to be having some trouble on and off again, in the relationship and this is adding to it for you. SO talk it out before you get permament marks of any kind. Try to be calm and not upset, but make sure you get the answers you need to resolve this and let it pass.

There are various ways to look at this: 1. he isnt a holiday gift person. 2. as the relationship was new didnt want to make a big deal of it. 3. Since it is 3 months ago it is now too late to address it. 4. he is the dom and what the dom says goes, as far as how he celebrates your birthday. and 5. there is always dom time which means when the dom wants to it will be and not a minute before.

So my suggestion is to be calm and ask him for some help with this issue. and see how it goes. If that is the only thng that doesnt show his feelings for you, then maybe you are placing too much importance on this one day or he needs to understand how important it is to you. Either way you need to speak to him about it.

Good luck and happy belated birthday! Roe

_____________________________

Roe

People always ask me why I do these things . . .
It's because I can!

(in reply to inadazey)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Master never acknowledged my birthday.... :( - 10/11/2004 5:52:33 PM   
jillwfsub4blkdom


Posts: 375
Joined: 7/2/2004
Status: offline 		let me see if i understand this. i know you were upset about your birthday and you had brought it to Your Master's attention. He had said He would make it up to You and didn't at that time. Then you broke up with Him based on His lack of caring. Again at that time you brought up the situation and how you felt about the birthday and nothing was done. Then you got back together and were collared. you still remain upset about your birthday and His lack of doing anything for it. Why would you think He would do something if you mentioned it twice and nothing was done? i think you need to seriously think whether this is the type of Master that you want to be involved with. Obviously birthdays are symbolic for you and His lack of attention is something you can't get over.
i don't see Him changing since it was already mentioned twice. Just examine yourself as if this is something important enough to you to be a relationship breaker. just my opinion.

jill

_____________________________


"It's the moment that transcends
Our physical into a more spiritual level of understanding" - Musiq

(in reply to inadazey)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Master never acknowledged my birthday.... :( - 10/11/2004 8:26:55 PM   
magiqual


Posts: 27
Joined: 9/19/2004
Status: offline 		What is it about us Moon Children and birthdays? (Mine's the day before yours and is very meaningful to me.)

You really need to resolve this with your master before doing anything more "permanent" (e.g. a tattoo), as collars, tattos, etc. won't make your relationship more stable and secure -- they're really just reflections of what's in both your hearts.

I've been relationships where my partner has known (and acknowledged) one of my desires, and has promised to do something, and it hasn't happened. Either I need to 1) remind her what that particular desire means to me (so she knows it's still important), 2) help her figure out what would be satisfying (e.g. does it need to be a birthday party, a dinner with friends, a good long spanking, ...?), or 3) realize that the whole relationship is good and just let the one thing go.

So, what are you willing to do to have your dream birthday?

(in reply to inadazey)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Master never acknowledged my birthday.... :( - 10/11/2004 9:32:45 PM   
subbiejenn


Posts: 631
Joined: 7/12/2004
Status: offline 		Oh my goodness hunnie!

First off why did you accept a collar when you knew some things bothered you? Need to be sure before you are collared to someone...

OK we know about the birthday thing, is He caring otherwise? Seems to me your a lot like me and the little things count a lot. Does he make you feel special otherwise? Show His love for you? If you answer no to these you really have to rethink this collar thing.

My advice is to talk to Him that you can’t help it but till are thinking of Him missing your birthday. Explain to Him how you need to see He cares. Explain how you need to feel special.

If this is still bothering you then it is a big deal and not something that should be overlooked. If you have the relationship you should with Him being collared then He will understand. it's not silly, this can ruin the relationship if it is eating at you all the time. Get it out in the open then go from there.

Hugs Good luck with it!
JMO

_____________________________

~Subspace is my perfect paradise vacation from busy-mind... blessed be to the Dominant who can stamp my ticket there.~

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away"

(in reply to inadazey)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Master never acknowledged my birthday.... :( - 10/13/2004 5:12:09 AM   
MistressKiss


Posts: 295
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I agree with subbiejenn - this is clearly a big issue to you, and it needs to be discussed "person to person" as well as "dom to sub". I can see that this could be a huge indication of other issues - if your birthday is not significant to him....will your concerns about a scene gone wrong be significant? Time for a long heart to heart, and I would not move forward on the collar until it's resolved. Don't feel "guilty" for having these feelings, either....you're sub AND human.




Attachment (1)

_____________________________

"I assure you, Your Honor, I don't have to practice...I'm very good at them..."
(The Marquis de Sade at one of his trials for the sexual perversities he practiced)

(in reply to subbiejenn)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Master never acknowledged my birthday.... :( - 10/13/2004 5:54:14 AM   
BeachMystress


Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline 		One thing we've all figured out by this time is that men are different than women are.. fact of life. What is important and life shattering to us, can be nothing more than blip in the road to them. YOU need to make sure he knows that this thing, forgetting your birthday, is one of those very important, life shattering things. Men forget dates all the time. He probably doesn't care much about celebrating his birthday. If you forgot his, he'd probably not take it as a denial of your love for him. It wouldn't say he wasn't important to you in his mind. Because of this, unless a man has been given a crash course in how to deal with females somewhere along the line, he just isn't going to get it. You need to give him that crash course. Sit him down. Tell him. (since you have problems with confrontation, write a letter if need be.. or copy this post to him.) Do not let something that on his part, is probably nothing more than being male, cause a true rift between you. Let him know that you equate how he celebrates your birthday to your value to him. I'll bet you ten bucks he isn't meaning to hurt you. He just doesn't understand.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to inadazey)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Master never acknowledged my birthday.... :( - 10/19/2004 2:21:12 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: inadazey

"...But basically my question is: what would you do if you were in my place? Any replies will be much appreciated! :) TY.


this slave would get down on her hands and knees and BEG for release if she were in your shoes. unless, u are in one of those online relationships, this slave is not sure what the protocol is for ending one of those. after the begging was over, this slave would spend some time uncollared and if she still felt strongly about the acknowledgement of holidays, she would spend some time and get to know someone past a major holiday that was important enough to be a relationship breaker if we weren't on the same page with regards to it, before accepting a collar and a permanent mark such as a tattoo!
warmly,
beth

(in reply to inadazey)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Master never acknowledged my birthday.... :( - 10/19/2004 5:55:58 PM   
SentForu


Posts: 303
Joined: 3/23/2004
From: Middle Tennessee
Status: offline 		Something like this happened to me with my last b/f. It had nothing to do with my birthday. He never kept his promises. I'd go somewhere to pick him up and he just wouldn't be there. Then, would come up with this lame excuse. He'd never call when he had promised to. He never acted like he cared, until it got to the point of my leaving him. Then, he'd only come out with things like "please don't leave, I'm sorry, I love you". Without, even an explanation of his actions. I'd get tired of being the only one making an effort, nicely tell him it was over, that's when I'd get sucked back in. Till this last time, I had taken all I could. It really doesn't matter how much you honestly love somoene, you can only put up with so much.

I'm not saying this is the situation with you and your Master. This is just an extreme of your example. I agree with some here. If that's all he's overlooked, just talk to him more about it. However, if it goes deeper than that, you should probably question somethings in your own mind relationship wise.

_____________________________

Myra

(in reply to inadazey)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Master never acknowledged my birthday.... :( - 10/19/2004 6:47:04 PM   
susannah


Posts: 79
Joined: 10/19/2004
Status: offline 		I agree with Merc and Beth. If I were with a Dom who knew that remembering my birthday was a big deal to me (to some folks it's not a big deal), and he forgot about it, and I mentioned it in a nice way, and he still blew it off, I'd say he was either:

1) Extremely forgetful OR

2) Didn't have an interest in building a respectful D/s relationship where both persons' needs are taken into account. In which case, I'd probably want to have a talk about that whole general idea (reciprocity as far as needs, which is different, if one has an intelligent Dom, than "topping from the bottom".

But I Do think it depends on whether he did in fact know how important it was to you. If he knows and he's blowing it off, to me that's mean, and I have better things to do than make tiem for "mean" (that which I don't invite or state I need, anyway). Good luck

- Susannah

(in reply to inadazey)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Master never acknowledged my birthday.... :( - 10/19/2004 10:25:50 PM   
ShadeDiva


Posts: 1005
Joined: 3/31/2004
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline 		Personally I think you ought to point him at this thread and say THIS is my biggest obstacle inside myself that has something to do with you that I really HAVE to have addressed in some form or the other.

You've ALREADY written it, and why it bugs you and how badly its affecting you - so there is no extra work outside of saying read THIS please, it's important to me.

I'd suggest doing this BEFORE you run and get a permanent mark.

Either it will open communication bewteen you or it will show you what he's made of. THEN decide.

JMO.

~ShadeDiva

_____________________________

~ShadeDiva
My projects of love:
theFetishForums
HumanFauna
Kinked
DommeWorld

(in reply to susannah)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Master never acknowledged my birthday.... :( - 10/20/2004 1:42:47 AM   
Sylverdawn


Posts: 1123
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		OY VAY!!!!!

I have always said.. un met expectations are what kills relationships.. You were sure he would do something.... blah blah blah... I didn't want to break up with him I just wanted him to act more like he cared.. so we have some emotional manipulation going on.. and you are creating situations in which he can prove how much he cares for you. Darlin sub or no.. only you can be responsible for your own personal happiness... You have spoken twice about this.. he isn't getting it for whatever reason.. and that's not his issue.. that's your issue. He missed your birthday...either accept that and move on or move out.. pouting, whining and bitching about it isn't going to get you anywhere.

If your needs are not getting met then its up to you to request respectfully discussion about those.. but as a submissive you need to have seriously negotiated your commitment to this Dominant. He isn't required to see to your own personal fulfillment. nor his he required to read your mind... or anything else.. unless A. it pleases him to do so.. and/or B. you have negotiated with your own self interest at heart.
Collars are like marriages .. in that.. if you collar in haste you can regret in leisure.

You say you cant help how you feel.. yes you absolutely can help how you feel..each of us chooses how we feel about things.. no one makes anyone feel anything.. its all about choice.

What likely happened is you emailed.. he oh my goshed.. you waited he got busy .. then you broke up and for him that ended that specific issue.. so in his head.. its done with.. and it needs to be done with in your head because you are using it as some sort of emotional battering ram .. it is obviously giving you some sort of reward to think in this self destructive pattern or you wouldn't be so focused on it. Either Forgive and forget.. or do him and your self a favor and move on until your emotionally mature enough to handle a D/s relationship.. tattoos are very very expensive things to remove..

< Message edited by Sylverdawn -- 10/20/2004 1:51:53 AM >

_____________________________

“When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.” Elyane Boosler

Being a women is hard work Maya Angelou

(in reply to ShadeDiva)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Master never acknowledged my birthday.... :( - 10/20/2004 12:36:45 PM   
Synocense


Posts: 255
Joined: 8/8/2004
Status: offline 		Beautifully written Sylverdawn and I must agree with every point. Problems I have seen over and over again begin with expectations instead of communication.

Syn

_____________________________

Before you speak, ask yourself..
Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?
Does it improve upon the silence?

(in reply to Sylverdawn)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Master never acknowledged my birthday.... :( - 10/21/2004 11:51:34 AM   
inadazey


Posts: 69
Joined: 10/7/2004
Status: offline 		Thanks to everyone who gave me their input. Master and I had a long talk, worked a lot of things out, and our relationship is stronger than it's ever been (or any of my prior relationships) now. It was a huge step for me to be able to really express my feelings, and he listened, heard, responded, and cared... I knew he was too good for my built up hurt feelings to interfere with our intimacy. So those of you encouraged me to talk to him really helped me to make the step. And I feel so much closer to him and happier to belong to him thatn I ever thought I could. *hugs* to all who gave me support and helpful advice!! :)

(in reply to Synocense)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Master never acknowledged my birthday.... :( - 10/21/2004 1:50:12 PM   
Sylverdawn


Posts: 1123
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		dear.. if you are going to send hate mail have the balls to stand up for what you say.. as I am unable by your choice to send this to you directly.. here you go..

darlin.. you feel better now?.. had your little temper tantrum.. stamped your little foot.. am I supposed to be impressed by your ill advised email. I am sure you do a wonderful job representing your collar and your Master and I am sure he will be suitably impressed by the decision you made to send such a rude commentary to me when you asked for honest opinions. I am glad you took yourself up by the boot straps and communicated rather than continued the whole passive aggressive thing in your relationship. Adult decisions are not always the easiest choices to make.. but generally they are the most productive. I hope that choice to communicate is the first of many right choices you make... the email you sent being the last poor one.. but one can only hope

_____________________________

“When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.” Elyane Boosler

Being a women is hard work Maya Angelou

(in reply to inadazey)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Master never acknowledged my birthday.... :( - 10/21/2004 6:05:32 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline
quote:

Master and I had a long talk, worked a lot of things out, and our relationship is stronger than it's ever been

I'm glad to hear that.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to inadazey)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Master never acknowledged my birthday.... :( - 10/22/2004 6:10:49 PM   
LadySonelle


Posts: 280
Joined: 8/24/2004
From: Santa Fe NM
Status: offline 		What you need to do is turn it around. The next time an important date comes around, the week before, you mention it and begin to add things to your service. "Because it is my birthday in four days, I shall clean Your shoes with my tongue." or "Because it is my birthday tomorrow, I shall give You breakfast in bed tomorrow morning. Will You cuddle with me, Master, please?"

When your birthday comes, make it special for yourself, by giving to your Master. Chances are, he will respond! While it is good to have a Master who remembers dates, not all men are wired this way and it may fall to you to do the "heavy liftiung"... but do not feel that he does not love you! If he has given other signs, then accept that this is the way he is wired.

Who knows? It may encourage him to remember if he knows that the day will bring him (and you) many extra "perks"! Above all, do not mope nor concentrate on the slight! It only magnifies the hurt and takes your attention away from being a good slave.

Lady Sonelle

(in reply to inadazey)
Profile   Post #: 20
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