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A quick question - 6/9/2011 2:37:01 PM

dragi1371

Posts: 1
Joined: 2/26/2011
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Hi, I've never posted on here before. I've always classified myself as a switch; however, I've been primarily submissive with men and dominant with women. There have been exceptions. I've been with someone who initially classified himself as a dominant with the ability to switch on occasion. Recently, my owner has informed me that he has been feeling submissive lately due to situations in his life. I've never really switched with one person...I more take on a role depending upon who I am with. Any recommendations? I find the scenario to be emotionally difficult.

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RE: A quick question - 6/9/2011 2:41:41 PM

RapierFugue

Posts: 4740
Joined: 3/16/2006
From: London, England
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quote:

ORIGINAL: dragi1371

Hi, I've never posted on here before. I've always classified myself as a switch; however, I've been primarily submissive with men and dominant with women. There have been exceptions. I've been with someone who initially classified himself as a dominant with the ability to switch on occasion. Recently, my owner has informed me that he has been feeling submissive lately due to situations in his life. I've never really switched with one person...I more take on a role depending upon who I am with. Any recommendations? I find the scenario to be emotionally difficult.

At a guess, he's a sub male who couldn't find a Dom female, so came up with the oft-used wheeze of pretending to be switch, then falling back on the sub side.

If it works for you, and you enjoy it, then cool. If you don't, then kick him to the kerb.

All the best.

(in reply to dragi1371)

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RE: A quick question - 6/9/2011 4:05:02 PM

sunshinemiss

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Joined: 11/26/2007
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Talk with him about the concerns you are having. You could consider a triad or you could consider a professional for him.

In the end, dragi, it's about what will make your relationship work... this means that YOU are a big part of that. If it doesn't work for you, it doesn't work for the relationship.

Good luck,
sunshine

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(in reply to RapierFugue)

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RE: A quick question - 6/10/2011 11:34:52 PM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
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quote:

ORIGINAL: RapierFugue

At a guess, he's a sub male who couldn't find a Dom female, so came up with the oft-used wheeze of pretending to be switch, then falling back on the sub side.

If it works for you, and you enjoy it, then cool. If you don't, then kick him to the kerb.

This.

Personally, I'd kick him to the curb. Deceit is a hard limit, for me.

But you won't really be able to prove whether or not he deceived you, absent hard evidence- so go with what you know. Feel your way, and act accordingly. Look at his deeds-not (just) his words.

(spelling edit)

< Message edited by dreamerdreaming -- 6/10/2011 11:37:13 PM >

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RE: A quick question - 6/11/2011 12:11:24 AM

BendingGender

Posts: 176
Joined: 1/15/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: dragi1371

Hi, I've never posted on here before. I've always classified myself as a switch; however, I've been primarily submissive with men and dominant with women. There have been exceptions. I've been with someone who initially classified himself as a dominant with the ability to switch on occasion. Recently, my owner has informed me that he has been feeling submissive lately due to situations in his life. I've never really switched with one person...I more take on a role depending upon who I am with. Any recommendations? I find the scenario to be emotionally difficult.

You say he's recently informed you of his feelings of submission... and that there are circumstances in his life that have brought him to this point.

If you've been with him for a period of six months or more... has he been the Dom you'd expected him to be? Has he given orders... established protocols... engaged in and enjoyed activities from a Top perspective? Or have you gotten the impression that he might have been subbing from the Top? Only you can decide whether or not you feel that he's been what you've wanted and needed from a Dom.

As for the second issue, the situation or circumstances that make him inclined to switch, do you personally know what they are? (I'm not asking for you to share them here, necessarily.) I'm just wondering if he's communicated to you what the issues are. Perhaps how they've affected him.

If you feel comfortable with whatever answers he provides... and you don't feel as though he's tried to sell you a bill of goods with regard to who he is at his core... perhaps as sunshinemiss has stated you might want to try finding a third or contacting a professional if you feel that you can't effectively fulfill the role he'd like you to assume. You might also want to try a kink-friendly couple's therapist, if things in his life are upsetting enough to make him feel compelled to switch. He may just be a Top heavy switch in most cases, but occasionally feel the need to bottom. He may be a bottom in disguise. Or perhaps even in denial. But the only two people who can get to the core of that are you and your partner, whatever he may be.

I wish you the very best of luck.

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Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it. ~Andre Gide
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization. ~George Carlin (RIP)

(in reply to dragi1371)

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RE: A quick question - 6/11/2011 6:30:58 PM

pwnerandpwned

Posts: 83
Joined: 4/13/2010
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Your specific situation sounds quite similar to our dynamic. I originally felt much more "switch" when first meeting my partner, but eventually developed into the dominant in our relationship. There are still times, especially when having an off day/week, where the idea of having someone else take over (primarily sexually) is something I desire. Without knowing you two, I can only say what we've done in this situation, and hope it somehow relates to the two of you...

She felt strange, at first, being a "Domme" to me when 98% of the time she was everything but in-charge. Eventually we realized it helped us both keep our identities within the relationship if we continued to address each other by the same terms we would during our normal dynamic (Sir for me, and often PetPet, Kitty, etc for her). She knows, as well, I don't expect her to act in some fantasy domme way either...just however she feels is fun...whatever is her, so that she doesn't feel comfortable trying to be a big bad mistress to the man she normally kneels to.

< Message edited by pwnerandpwned -- 6/11/2011 6:34:15 PM >

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RE: A quick question - 6/11/2011 8:32:19 PM

HannahLynHeather

Posts: 2950
Joined: 4/4/2011
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quote:

I find the scenario to be emotionally difficult.

talk it through with him, and if you can't resolve your difficulties then just tell him you can't do it.

hannah lynn

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i hope you enjoyed the post, and as always my friends....have a nice day

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RE: A quick question - 6/12/2011 8:10:06 AM

orchid77

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Joined: 5/20/2011
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Do what your gut says...listen to it...and act.

(in reply to HannahLynHeather)

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RE: A quick question - 6/12/2011 9:00:42 PM

HeatherMcLeather

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Joined: 5/21/2011
From: The dog house
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Yay! She finally gave up the keyboard!!

Unlike some of the other posters who've replied, I'm going to take this at face value and assume he's a switch.

I'm not a switch, but Hanners is, so I've had to top her. It's very difficult for me to do, probably the hardest thing, in fact. I struggle with it every time. The way I get through it is to keep reminding myself that not only is this something she really wants, its something only I can give her.

Her last experience as a submissive was not a happy or positive one, so she has a lot of trust issues with submitting. She trusts me, not just to not harm her, but to hurt her. She trusts me to put her in a very vulnerable situation, to strip her of all her defenses. This is something she feels she needs, and I can give it to her. I love Hanners, and its an honour to be the one she chooses to do this with, its an honour to be trusted with this aspect of her. It is still very difficult, but really, how important is that in the grand scheme of things. Part of loving somebody is that you do do difficult things for them, especially in a D/s relationship.

When your owner asks you to top him, ask yourself this: can anybody else do it for him, and do you trust your owner in anybody else's hands. Myself, no. Hanners is far too precious to me to allow anybody else to put her in that position.

Remind yourself of the following:
1. Your owner wants this, its your job to give it to him.
2. You love him, and he trusts you.
3. You know him better than anybody else, so who better than you.
4. This is something only you can really give him.

Sure he could find somebody to top him, or pay a Pro, but that's just not going to be the same. With you he can allow himself to let go, because of the love and trust between you, and your intimate knowledge of him.

Keep in mind the way we all say it takes a lot of guts and strength to submit to somebody. Well just imagine how much more strength and guts it takes a Dominant to do the same. Do not think him less dominant because of it, rather admire the strength it takes for him to admit he wants this and to seek it out. And remember, he asked YOU, of all the people he could have asked, he decided to trust you with this very vulnerable aspect of himself, that alone should make you very proud.

I hope this makes sense to you, and that you find it of some use.

< Message edited by HeatherMcLeather -- 6/12/2011 9:04:23 PM >

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