finding myself again?? (Full Version)

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lilpetwind -> finding myself again?? (5/15/2006 11:56:32 AM)

i asked for release from my Master after 3 years because He said He did not love me. i was deeply in love with Him, but i knew it was best for me to leave... It has been several months now and He has asked me to play with Him once a week, ( He is lonely and cannot find what He seeks-- i am older than He is and i cannot bare children for Him so He did not fall in love with me).
Anyway, i have no problem playing with Him on occassion, but i have found that i am losing my submissive self. Not with just Him, but with potenials. i know better than to be stand offish, but i tend to pull away and not follow through with simple things. So i am wondering how can i get back to my submissive self and better myself for someone new?  It's not like i am new at this. i have been in this life for over 10 years, but this was the longest relationship i had and i think it has changed me somehow.
 
Thanks in advance.
 
graciously,
 
~wind~



mnottertail -> RE: finding myself again?? (5/15/2006 12:07:16 PM)

You are released.  How can you be of two minds, what really has changed in your relations with your ex? 

You are between a rock and a hard spot.

A monkey does not let go of the last branch until the next one is firmly in its grasp, are your arms so long?

Curiously and cryptically,
Ron



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: finding myself again?? (5/15/2006 12:23:55 PM)

1)  I have no idea what you mean by "losing your submissive self."  Can you elaborate?

2)  You don't seem to place any connection between playing with your ex and "losing your submissive self" yet you mention them both.  Is there a connection?  If so, the answer seems clear. 

Maybe you aren't yet ready for a relationship.  Give yourself time.



slavejali -> RE: finding myself again?? (5/15/2006 2:10:42 PM)

Perhaps your submission became very associated with your love for your Master...even if that wasnt it in the beginning of the relationship 3 years ago. Now you're not together and are only playing together casually, knowing he doesnt love you, that submission of love has nothing to attach itself to..because of the hurt you're also guarding against any emotional connections with others and so your submission feels like its gone walk-about.

Give yourself time to heal...and if this is what is happening..I would really consider not playing with him anymore just for the sake of your own healing.



fastlane -> RE: finding myself again?? (5/15/2006 2:34:10 PM)

Your finding yourself again and I'm lost again.....geez, if you happen to see a 6ft medium build man who looks like he just got off of the wrong bus, that's me....There's a number to call on my dogtags, but you can take me home yourself if you'd rather play with me then your ex.

[;)]Kevin



darq -> RE: finding myself again?? (5/15/2006 2:43:38 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilpetwind

i asked for release from my Master after 3 years because He said He did not love me. i was deeply in love with Him, but i knew it was best for me to leave... It has been several months now and He has asked me to play with Him once a week, ( He is lonely and cannot find what He seeks-- i am older than He is and i cannot bare children for Him so He did not fall in love with me).
Anyway, i have no problem playing with Him on occassion, but i have found that i am losing my submissive self. Not with just Him, but with potenials. i know better than to be stand offish, but i tend to pull away and not follow through with simple things. So i am wondering how can i get back to my submissive self and better myself for someone new?  It's not like i am new at this. i have been in this life for over 10 years, but this was the longest relationship i had and i think it has changed me somehow.
 
Thanks in advance.
 
graciously,
 
~wind~


Well since no one else wants to point this out ... I will.

This guy sounds like a real winner ...

He didn't fall in love with you because you can't bear him children? *sighs* I've been with a man like that before. It hurts like hell ... I'm so sorry. Now to add insult to injury he still wants to play with you because he's lonely and can't find anyone else to replace you.

You say that you don't mind playing with him on occassion but really is it good for you? You were with him for 3 years and then he released you. You need time to let go of this relationship ... You're no longer obligated to him .. It doesn't make you a bad girl to move on and spend some time just doing things for youself for a little while.

You want to improve yourself for a future dominant ... You could do what I'm doing. Sit down and really think about your life. Is there something you've always wanted to do or accomplish that you haven't done yet? Well, do it! Enjoy yourself ... Immerse yourself in whatever it is you've always wanted to do but never got around to doing.

Go ahead and spend time with new Doms while you're at it ... Maybe you'll even meet the new Dom *while* you're doing this new thing ... Then you would have something in common with him besides D/s ... Tend to your own garden for a little while and you never know, you might find what you're looking for when you stop looking.



bandit25 -> RE: finding myself again?? (5/15/2006 3:02:18 PM)

Gotta agree with Darq.  He sounds like a winner.  Hey I asked to be released cuz my Master refused to tell me he loved me (among othe things) and I didn't want to go through the rest of my life not hearing those words.  Well, he hasn't found anyone either but I refuse to play with him.  It's not been that long and I can't get close again...and get hurt again.



artemis01 -> RE: finding myself again?? (5/15/2006 3:03:28 PM)

i have been in a similar position and played with my ex master after we split up. My friends advised against it but i was so heartbroken and still so much in love that i couldn't let go. The more i played the more it tore me apart. i could not move on and accept another. i did not think i was worthy of another. It was only after i made the decision to have no more contact with him that i fnally "got over him".

There is nothing wrong with your submissiveness, just as there was nothing wrong with mine. you are simply grieving. This takes time. Have patience and cut your ties from him. It will be easier in the long term even though it may hurt now.

Good Luck
xxx





mixielicous -> RE: finding myself again?? (5/15/2006 3:04:55 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali

Perhaps your submission became very associated with your love for your Master...even if that wasnt it in the beginning of the relationship 3 years ago.


i know that love is the only reason my master was able to Own me, i do not believe i could be such a faithful one in terms of what i do, or how i act unless i was His. Only such a love could evoke that complete gift from me.



defiantbadgirl -> RE: finding myself again?? (5/15/2006 3:37:14 PM)

You are hurt and you have every right to be. Especially since all the time you wasted with him got you nowhere. I have been hurt alot too, so I know what you're going through. Being hurt like that often causes feelings of resentment and you probably consciously or unconsciously fear that being a submissive will get you hurt in future relationships as well. Have you ever considered becoming a switch? At least then you could punish a guy if he took you for granted and not have to just sit there and take it. As for this master, he is very selfish and inconsiderate. Anyone who would string someone along for that long knowing the whole thing was one sided is a real jerk in my opinion. He should be offering to help you find someone else. That's the least he could do.



babysburnin -> RE: finding myself again?? (5/15/2006 4:22:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilpetwind

i am older than He is and i cannot bare children for Him so He did not fall in love with me).



If he were able to love you, he would have loved you regardless of your ability to bare him children.  He would have worked with you to seek alternatives...Sounds like a lame excuse - one that has put all of the burden on you.

You shouldn't keep re-opening your wounds by continuing to see him.  You need to let your wounds heal. 

Sorry you're feeling down - but time will help, and you will feel "right" again soon enough.  Maybe spend this time re-defining what you want/need from your next Master to serve Him well and feel totally loved.  



piscess -> RE: finding myself again?? (5/15/2006 6:58:53 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilpetwind

i asked for release from my Master after 3 years because He said He did not love me. i was deeply in love with Him, but i knew it was best for me to leave... It has been several months now and He has asked me to play with Him once a week, ( He is lonely and cannot find what He seeks-- i am older than He is and i cannot bare children for Him so He did not fall in love with me).
Anyway, i have no problem playing with Him on occassion, but i have found that i am losing my submissive self. Not with just Him, but with potenials. i know better than to be stand offish, but i tend to pull away and not follow through with simple things. So i am wondering how can i get back to my submissive self and better myself for someone new?  It's not like i am new at this. i have been in this life for over 10 years, but this was the longest relationship i had and i think it has changed me somehow.
 
Thanks in advance.
 
graciously,
 
~wind~


wind,
 
I think you will find yourself again after you let the past go.   Seems he is having his cake and eating it too.
 
piscess



feastie -> RE: finding myself again?? (5/15/2006 7:06:06 PM)

You absolutely must not play with him, really, not even talk to him.  It's gotta be a clean break if you expect to heal yourself and move on.  Only when you've healed, will you be able to talk with him again.

Been there, done that, got the tshirt.



Evanesce -> RE: finding myself again?? (5/15/2006 7:32:31 PM)

quote:

i asked for release from my Master after 3 years because He said He did not love me. i was deeply in love with Him, but i knew it was best for me to leave... It has been several months now and He has asked me to play with Him once a week, ( He is lonely and cannot find what He seeks-- i am older than He is and i cannot bare children for Him so He did not fall in love with me).


It's in your best interest to leave this man, yet you'll go back and play with him just because he's LONELY???  Nerts to that!  How are you going to find what YOU seek if you're busy giving him what HE seeks?
 
If you're going to find your submissive self again and prepare to serve someone new when that person comes along, you need to sever ALL ties to this individual because, right now, he's interfering with your healing.



CrappyDom -> RE: finding myself again?? (5/15/2006 7:32:53 PM)

I am a little stunned at people's reaction to this post. 

The man was honest about what he wanted, told her before he started looking, it doesn't get much better than that, well it does in chat rooms but not so much in real life.  He wants to play with her, he isn't dangling lies to get her legs spread, again, it doesn't get much better than that.

She is an adult, she can chooses not to play with him, but he isn't an ass for wanting a bit of company while he searches.

Plenty have done FAR worse than the dominant in this thread and are considered respected members of their community.

Now, before anyone jumps down MY throat, I just lost a woman whom I love dearly and who left me because SHE wants children and I don't.  I spent the last four years with her and was looking forward to spending the rest of my life with her.  Trust me, I am not just siding with this guy, I wish people could just set having children aside, but for some it is a very strong drive.



juliaoceania -> RE: finding myself again?? (5/15/2006 8:16:47 PM)

Im not gong to jump down your throat, but  he is the one that does not love her, he knows she loves him, and yet he still keeps her emotionally tied to him through play. I do not respect that. It is not unethical to many I suppose, but I would not want someone to treat me that way and I treat others the way I like to be treated. It is called the Golden Rule.

Different people have different values, and I suppose women and men often view sex differently. Not always,but often. Women attach a lot of intimacy to sex that men often don't, hence the reaction of the people posting to this lady. We empathize with her, and can put ourselves in her place.

On Edit: I thought an honorable dom sought first and foremost not to damage a submissive in anyway... that includes, but is not limited to emotional damage, and using someone's love for you can inflict emotional harm, that is my opinion anyways.



BitaTruble -> RE: finding myself again?? (5/15/2006 8:51:47 PM)

 

quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

You are hurt and you have every right to be. Especially since all the time you wasted with him got you nowhere. I have been hurt alot too, so I know what you're going through. Being hurt like that often causes feelings of resentment and you probably consciously or unconsciously fear that being a submissive will get you hurt in future relationships as well. Have you ever considered becoming a switch? At least then you could punish a guy if he took you for granted and not have to just sit there and take it. As for this master, he is very selfish and inconsiderate. Anyone who would string someone along for that long knowing the whole thing was one sided is a real jerk in my opinion. He should be offering to help you find someone else. That's the least he could do.


This post is so bitter. The man was honest with her. He told her he didn't love her and I'm sorry, but you can't 'make' someone love you. He wants children and he has every right to want them. I don't see that he is selfish at all. He 'asked' her to play with him.. she can always say no. There is no harm in asking and there is nothing to indicate in the OP that he strung her along at all, so I don't know how you're getting that from her post. As far as finding her someone else, she is the one who asked for release. He has no obligation to help her replace him. They had three years together.. that's not time that was necessarily wasted just because it ended. The advice to go switch is probably the last thing she should do if she's seeking her submission. That can really screw with your head when you are very well aware of all the aspects of yourself anyway.. to advice that for someone who is a submissive just so she can beat on people.. not cool IMO. Not cool.


This whole thing would be quite different if he told her that he did, in fact, love her and it was a lie, but from what I read, the man treated her as an honorable dominant, was honest with her and, while the truth may have hurt, at least it was the truth. He didn't tell her what she wanted to hear, so she was able to make her choice to move on and that's what she did.

If a relationship has to end, that's the way I would want it to go. Yes, hurt now because I didn't get what I want, but a long term opportunity to find what I do want because my partner was honest with me.

My advice to the OP would be to stop the play. You asked for release, you got that.. so make it a clean break. If he's lonely, he'll just have to suck it up. That's part of granting release to someone. If you are having difficulties with your submission, you can try to journal, write down everything, then review it. Meditation or something like yoga can help you stay centered and breathing properly can help you maintain your focus. Questioning your submission after a break from a long term relationship is normal, but you didn't fail.. it just wasn't the right partner for you, that's all. It happens. Sometimes it takes a bit longer to see it, but it could have been much worse.

Chalk this one up to a life experience, try to get your head together.. consider seeing a kink friendly therapist if it starts to effect your day to day living.. and allow yourself some time to mourn.  There's not a time limit on grief. It takes what it takes, so try to not push or rush things.

Good luck to you.. keep the faith.

Celeste



TemptingNviceSub -> RE: finding myself again?? (5/15/2006 9:01:48 PM)

Sighs...I fully agree with bitatruble on this one...word for word...dang!..bita would you just get the heck out of my head...[8D]...(grin)...be well...Tempting



OTKkindaGirl -> RE: finding myself again?? (5/15/2006 9:11:49 PM)

my heart goes out to you Lilpet,
from the responses in this post i am surprised how many have had this experience as i too have had pretty much the same thing happen to me.  it is heart wrenching even when you know what you are getting yourself into.  you say you have no problem playing now and then, fine but you are only defeating yourself and any potential Master of the future.

i don't know how much of masochist you are but don't be your own sadist too.
how you handle this is your decision and it is your own will that you must bend to.

the way i handled my situation, very much against my grain, but theraputic nonetheless, he let me switch, so i could work through the pain (at first) and he could work through the guilt.  he loved me too, but wanted children.  knocks me out of the running, and it hurt like hell, even for him.  the more i dominated him though the more resentful i became at losing my place.  the more resentful i became, the more sadistic i became.  the more sadistic i became the more unhappier i became.  he loved the little sadistic bitch he was turning me into and he enjoyed the hell out of it <weg> !!  but after dominating him i would go home and just cry and blame myself because i hated it so much!  i came to realize i was doing this to myself because it was pleasing him.  i turned a vanilla man into a beautiful bottom, he isn't submissive but he loves being on the bottom. if that makes any sense.

until enough was enough.  i stopped cold turkey.  wouldn't talk to him for three months until i could mourn and heal.  he has called "just to check on me" once a month now for over three years, and no, i do not cave to his requests. i guess the sadist in me just needs to come out now and then because "i am collared and fine, thank you".   i hold him in regard as a dear friend and i do love him as he is.  it just took a while for me to realize that he wasn't the one for me and that i needed and deserve that kind of love in return too.  i always kept in the back of my mind that i would want my next Master to be proud of the way that i conducted myself, and i sure didn't want somebody else trying to "fix me" when i had been empowered to take control of the whole situation, in the first place.  don't prolong the pain by holding on.... give it a rest for a little while and you will find yourself.  if he respects you at all, he will give you this time of mourning and healing.  if you can be friends without being submissive to him then great, but if not.... you should sever all ties, without a doubt and tell him why.  being honest and true to yourself  is when you'll find yourself.

sorry this is so long, i do wish you well, in whatever you decide, respectfully and sincerely....



edited to add after reading bita's.... she is right about the switching being very difficult when all your insides are screaming against you and at the time i was very well aware of my submissiveness and couldn't find the domination that i desired.  it was a very tumultuous and confusing period for me. 



CrappyDom -> RE: finding myself again?? (5/15/2006 10:23:02 PM)

juliaoceania,
 
The dominant in question is being honest and has put an honest proposal on the table.  She is an adult, she can choose to accept it or not. 

It is only if she allows herself to be "emotionally tied to him through play" will that be the result.  She has to decide her own course of action and own it.  He certainly has decided his course of action and quite clearly communicated it to her.

If I have to be responsible for all the possible emotional issues of others I would never play again.  That isn't to say I don't step lightly but I have to count on those I play with as being mature adults capable of mature decisions. 



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