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Dissecting Aorta - 6/30/2011 7:45:53 PM

LafayetteLady

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I'm staying with a friend temporarily to help her care for her mother who is dying. She is 88 years old, has had 6 heart surgeries, including grafts. Now one of the grafts is dissecting (is that spelled right?). She has other health issues as well, so the doctors have said this isn't something they can surgically repair. Her time on this earth is simply going to come to an end.

I've been told that this is a pretty grusome way to go, that essentially she is going to simply bleed out at the end. That there will be blood coming from everywhere and her heart will continue to beat for 15-30 minutes until there is no more blood to pump. A painful and horrifying way to die.

Does anyone know anything about this? I've only been here about a month, visited a couple times before. I've really come to care a great deal about this woman. She's had some good days where she was able to leave her bed and spend time with everyone. She is intelligent and really funny. I hate to think of her having to suffer through such a horrible thing.

My friend is becoming more and more unable to handle things. She doesn't admit that, but she is sinking into a depression of her own and spending a lot of time in her room. That actually makes it easier for me to help her aunt (82 1/2) take care of her mother since she tends to take on far too much and refuses to ask for help (hence the sinking into depression). Don't get me wrong, I don't mind helping at all and would prefer my friend get much needed rest.

The entire household is in a bit of chaos. Friend has one brother going through a heinous divorce, one sister who is an attorney and very self absorbed (doesn't help out at all) and her other sister is disabled and lives in a group home. Friend is acting snarky and vile to nearly everyone, including her fiance, who is none too happy with the situation. He was switched to the night shift, so he tends to be a bit grumpy himself.

Moving is NOT an option right now. This woman is one of my best friends and I won't bail on her and leave her to do this alone. Somehow, I have been managing to avoid all the bad moods and her aunt tells me all the time what a comfort I have brought to her by being here.

So if anyone can give me some information on how this type of death actually occurs, I would appreciate it. Also, it wouldn't hurt for people to pray, light candles or whatever they do in the hopes that when the time comes, my friend's mother's death will be mercifully quick and painless.

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RE: Dissecting Aorta - 6/30/2011 7:51:51 PM

angelikaJ

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(((hugs)))
http://aorticdissection.com/

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RE: Dissecting Aorta - 6/30/2011 9:46:46 PM

LafayetteLady

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Thanks! I can't figure out why this posted twice. Damn connection on this computer. No offense angelikaJ, but I hope they delete this one. I know how to reach you anytime, lol.

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RE: Dissecting Aorta - 7/1/2011 7:45:51 AM

DesFIP

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Has she called hospice? They have support systems for caregivers.

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RE: Dissecting Aorta - 7/1/2011 7:55:52 AM

LafayetteLady

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I'm pretty sure she hasn't. At this point, which seems to be getting close to the end, it is difficult to leave the house. I wish she would call and let me stay home and take care of her mother. She regularly talks about how her siblings aren't giving her any help, and you're right, a support group would help.

I had also talked to her about having a nurse or aid come to the house to help, even if it is only part time, just to give her a break. She moved back home about 2 years ago when her mother's illnesses so I do understand why she is finally cracking. I've only been helping about a month.

The thing is that her mom (and her aunt) are very proud. Mom is often confused these days, and even when I go up to help, I worry she won't remember who I am. So I think she might be very resentful of a stranger coming.

So do the hospices do support by phone?

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RE: Dissecting Aorta - 7/1/2011 8:28:59 AM

angelikaJ

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I think hospice home care would be a good option for many reasons.
They would get nursing support and not just any kind of nursing support but the specialised kind for end of life care that would serve not just her but the family as well.

And given that the end might be especially difficult, they should not have to do that alone. I also think that the most important thing is to keep her comfortable.
Hospice care will be the best resource for that.

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RE: Dissecting Aorta - 7/1/2011 3:59:12 PM

LafayetteLady

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Ok, so now how do you get them to accept that?

We actually talked about it today. The aunt's main concern is that since her sister got so ill, they have let a lot of things around the house go. I mean REALLY let things go. I'm trying little by little to get stuff back in order, but it isn't easy.

So apparently home hospice care is already approved, it is just getting my friend, who is a major control freak (her ailing mother is laughing over me taking some things over), the aunt who doesn't want anyone to see the house and the ailing mother who isn't going to readily accept strangers to agree.

So I guess more than information on how horrible this death may be, the better question is how do you get people to let go and allow others in to help?

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RE: Dissecting Aorta - 7/1/2011 4:21:30 PM

angelikaJ

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

Ok, so now how do you get them to accept that?

We actually talked about it today. The aunt's main concern is that since her sister got so ill, they have let a lot of things around the house go. I mean REALLY let things go. I'm trying little by little to get stuff back in order, but it isn't easy.

So apparently home hospice care is already approved, it is just getting my friend, who is a major control freak (her ailing mother is laughing over me taking some things over), the aunt who doesn't want anyone to see the house and the ailing mother who isn't going to readily accept strangers to agree.

So I guess more than information on how horrible this death may be, the better question is how do you get people to let go and allow others in to help?

By talking about things like comfort measures and the quality of end of life care and how important that is... and letting her see how in her trying to manage EVERY thing herself things have gotten to be so horribly out of control. If she lets go of the reins just a little bit in terms of the actual physical care of her mother that will enable her to actually have some energy to tend to normal household things and self care as well.
This is not something that anyone should have to handle alone...and if their goal is to keep mum/sis home till the very end they will need some help. It is too exhausting otherwise.

What you need to try to negotiate is a meeting with them to accept an initial hospice visit and hopefully they will be sent someone who has a gentle approach so that they won't feel intruded upon.

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RE: Dissecting Aorta - 7/2/2011 3:16:05 PM

hausboy

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I'm so sorry Lafayette Lady.
As Angelika mentioned, now is the time to make sure her affairs are in order. And as difficult a dialogue as it is to have, discussing her wishes are important. Make sure her legal documents are up to date--will, power of attorney, advanced directives--and discuss with her about a DNR Do Not Resuscitate Order. There are many different types--laws vary state to state--her doctor should be able to provide this information.

Again, I'm so sorry--and I hope your family can get the support they need.

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RE: Dissecting Aorta - 7/2/2011 9:27:04 PM

LafayetteLady

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Thanks. They are from a pretty ritzy area, so the wills and stuff are beyond in order. So is the DNR, and how she wants her funeral handled. Those things the family has discussed, one of the reasons that she remains home and we don't think about going to the hospital.

I'm going to try to talk with the aunt about at least having a hospice nurse come in and meet with them while my friend is asleep (which is becoming more frequent). I think if the hurdle of the aunt gets passed, then the rest will come easier. Mother seems to be rebounding again and today had more physical strength that in the last week. She was actually getting out of bed unassisted when her sister came down stairs for five minutes. Nearly gave us all a heart attack, but thankfully we got to her before she tried to come down the stairs on her own, lol.

Speaking of which.....When her physical strength is there, then her confusion is higher. When her confusion is less, the physical strength is less. Has anyone ever heard of this?

Anyway, I think even if someone were to come part time, either just a couple hours a day, or just a few days a week, the family would get a much needed break.

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RE: Dissecting Aorta - 9/26/2011 9:16:27 PM

LafayetteLady

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So my friend's mom died about a week ago. It was mercifully peaceful she simply went to sleep and her heart stopped.

Some things have occured in my life as well, and I will thankfully be looking for my own place again very soon.

The relief of being able to move out and on with my life is great. After 4 months living with TWENTY animals (only one cat is mine and she stays in my room) I don't think I will ever want more pets again!

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