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Severing without drama - 10/13/2004 2:34:21 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline 		I believe most Dommes here (and probably a great deal of the forum participants in general) have gone through what I like to call “the interview process”. What I mean by that is essentially along the lines of sub contacts Domme (sometimes it’s the other way around) and then one of them, usually the Domme, initiates a discussion either by email, by phone or in person with the goal of determining whether or not there is compatibility. If there is compatibility, then the two move to the next step. If there is no compatibility, then the two go their separate ways.

It’s usually worked just that way for me. I’ve been lucky in that so far I’ve dealt with mature adults. I tend to be able to spot the “way to needy” or the “do me” ones from a mile away but I unfortunately let one get too close to me recently.

Here is how it went, from my perspective of course. A sub contacts me with essentially an empty profile. As I do in this case, I tell them to fill out their profile and in this particular instance, it was a network that had a checklist, I told them to fill that out too and then contact me. He did just that and contacted me. On paper, he seemed fine. I told him that I would have a chat conversation first if he liked but that it would be important to have a phone conversation about limits and expectations before meeting. I feel I can tell a lot by a person’s voice and sometimes just that is enough to reassure or warn.

The conversation was alright, but I felt his need scream through the phone. He kept saying things like “I already feel you have power over me Miss”. I kept reinforcing this was an interview but also I’m not surprised he could feel my power. Most people in my everyday life feel it… it’s part of who I am.

Near the end of the conversation, he said: “What now Miss?” I was unsure. I told him that I would consider meeting him and that I would let him know in two days. He proposed meeting at a café and I told him I would let him know. I wanted time to reflect. It so happens that the proposed evening in question I was exhausted so I emailed him to tell him that I would not be able to make it that night. His response was:

May the truth be told, i was very hurt about Your cancelling the meeting. i am in the early stages of handing over control to You for the good of us both, we even discussed the transition of ownership of the penis testes to You. However, as much as it may hurt, i am convinced that you have deemed this necessary, perhaps it's because you are tired, perhaps you see this as the proper course in my new development or some other reason. So the pain and hurt must have been put there by you in order for me to have gratitude.

We never discussed anything other then possibilities. I was under the impression that I made that crystal clear. I started every sentence with “hypothetically” or “in the situation where”.

This sent off warning bells for me and I called him a few days later to tell him I had made the decision not to pursue this further. He got angry. His voice got really angry. He kept saying “can we negotiate” and I was using a firm but kind voice when saying “I know this is not the outcome you wished for but unfortunately, this is not the dynamic I am looking for. I’m sure there is a Domme out there who will appreciate such devotion but I do not have the requisite energy to meet all your needs. This is not a good match.”

He has been emailing me every day now (3 so far) with requests to explain his actions, to negotiate. I am not responding. Today’s email says:

And why do i continue to communicate with You, Miss. Well others may order their boys to perform, jump through hoops, clearly the lifestyle that You have embraced is there to enhance Your existence and that of Your boys. Another reason i continue communicating with You is part of my dysfunction

Dysfunction? Oh lovely! I’ve had a stalker once and I’m so not in the mood to have one again.

I’m not expecting anyone to give me a solution. I’m simply looking for opinions and for people to share lessons learned.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove
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RE: Severing without drama - 10/13/2004 2:57:48 PM   
LadyBeckett


Posts: 865
Joined: 2/4/2004
From: Scotland/Tennessee
Status: offline 		I call it my "knowing" (others have their own name for it), and if I move past that first email with someone then I'm probably on the phone with them shortly thereafter. Most of the time. Every so often there is that one or two that I will keep in email for a little while longer because they seem a little iffy. They come on real strong but wiggle a little bit under pressure. lol So far, 10 out of 10, I end up throwing them back. If they wiggle now, they'll be flip flopping all over the place after while. I've let a couple of them go after we've gotten to the phone stage, but it's been short and to the point. A few of them still check in from time to time, but they aren't stalking. lol

quote:

“I know this is not the outcome you wished for but unfortunately, this is not the dynamic I am looking for.


After that I would have wished him success as he continued his search, and advised him that our communication ended there. Non-negotiable.

_____________________________

Lady Beckett

_______________________________________________

"Submissive boys yearn to fall into their proper place, so the rest of their life will." ~ Lady Beckett

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
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RE: Severing without drama - 10/13/2004 5:44:43 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyBeckett


After that I would have wished him success as he continued his search, and advised him that our communication ended there. Non-negotiable.


Wise woman.

I decided to respond the following before this gets out of hand:

As I said to you kindly yet firmly in my parting words on the phone this past weekend, I wish you success in your search for a Mistress. I will not be me.

Our communication ends here and this is non-negotiable.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to LadyBeckett)
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RE: Severing without drama - 10/13/2004 6:12:57 PM   
ShadeDiva


Posts: 1005
Joined: 3/31/2004
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline 		I had one fellow that sounded SO perfect.

We chatted for several weeks - he talked very well, by that I mean there were no red flags, we seemed on the same wavelength, he was smart, funny, and could carry his side of the conversation.

Then we hit the point of development where we'd meet. I made it VERY clear: "I will NOT wind up playing with you on the first meet - this is a fact, and not something I will change my mind on, so do NOT expect this under ANY circumstances - understood?" He replied that he understood, and of course, it made sense, and he respected me moe for making that line in the sand and it was the farthest thing from his mind, he just wanted coffee. Well wonderful! I thought.

Then as we were hashing out the where and whens he made the comment that if this went well, perhaps I'd do a short session, maybe some spanking, if our chemistry was right.

I stopped cold. I flatly said that I had said I would NOT play nor go to a private place with someone on the first meeting, and I had thought I was quite clear on that. He apologized profusely naturaly and said he was just daydreaming aloud. Nonetheless the red flag had gone up, and I started rethinking this. He at some pont in a later conversation mentioned that he would like to see a playspace, and wished one was near him, at the time the Scenery was like ten minutes drive from him, and thinking I could help him realize what he had been wishing was in fact very within his reach, I mentioned it to him.

He was excited, of course, as he had been wanting to get into the scene he said for many years but didn't know where to start. He asked if we could see it maybe, since he had never been in such a place. I understood the desire, being that I had the same when I was new - so casually mentioned (mistake! LOL!) that if there was an event going on that we could pop in and take a quick look, as I still hadn't made the time to go see it myself and it would be nice to see the playspace they had. I mentioned this would be purely a social thing, as I never play in a space that I have never been in before, I like to get a feel for the space, the energy, and the regulars or people that frequent that space before I decide to play there - I'm picky like that.

Well then came the second comment - well if things are going well between us mistress, maybe you could session me while we are there! Um hello? Am I talking to a wall here? You speak English right? Red flag number two came blaring up screaming its warning.

I immediately pulled back in the conversation and said you know this is the second time you've said that and I refuse to repeat myself on my solid rules. Once is enough. And I cancelled that night's meeting for coffee - right then, right there, and explained in detail why.

I thought maybe yanno, theeagerness, the excitment overwhelemed him, and me pulling back would send the message I aint kidding here - quit any jokes, any comments, any implications of play on the first meeting or this won't happen, and told him that even.

He was of course very contrite, apologizing up the yen yang, and went into perfect conduct. For another week we spoke, and he was perfect in conduct, tone, attitude, and word. I started thinking well gee Shade, maybe you overreacted here - little paranoid are ya? etc etc. So I thought okay stop being so blasted rigid here, it's just coffee fer christ out loud, big deal, so I mentioned that I'd be open to having coffee with him the following Wednesday evening (it's Thursday the week prior), and he was at first delighted by this.

Then came the turn around, which part of me had been idly wondering would happen. He wanted to do this TONIGHT. I replied nope, no gas, no extra cash in my budget, I'd have to wait until I was paid, which would be Wednesday. He countered with I'll pay for your gas and your drinks or whatever. I declined that offer saying I do not like for a complete stranger to pay for anything - I prefer to pay my own way, thanks very much, and I could wait until Wednesday.

He insisted. I insisted that I wouldn't take a dime from someone I didn't know. He replied I knew him, we'd been talking for weeks. I replied that one, I considered this arguing with me and trying to manipulate my decision which had been made, and this wasn't doing him any favors, and that for me - I don't call someone a friend until I've known them more than 6-8 months, and that a few weeks of IMing with someone did not constitute me knowing them at ALL - I would still consider them a complete stranger for some time even after meeting them a few times. I figured hey thats a clear warning, keep it up and you will now know you are disobeying my wishes to not be argued with and thus displeasing me, how he handled that would tell me everything I needed to know.

And what did he do? *smile* He insisted again. Said 6 days was TOO long, he couldn't wait. Said I had already backed out a few times, and he felt I was stringing him along. Normally I'd have cut this crap off a long time ago but he had said he was a newbie, and I know sometimes how eagerness can override one's sense, so had cut him slack, but this was it for me. I figured I'd at least help him learn WHY his approach was creating the obstacle.

I mentioned that 6 days wasn't really all that long, normally I wait MONTHS before meeting someone from online, I was actually going much faster than I normally would. And that the mere fact he was trying to manipulate me with guilt for backing out prior without taking accountablity for his actions that caused me to decide this, was unacceptable. That I had told him often challenging my decisions, trying to top me frm the bottom, and then pushing me to do something I didn't want to do was not something I'd tolerate in someone I'd be considering, and that I was no longer interested.

And the dude lost it. Totally lost it. His passive-aggressive nature rose to the surface, called me all sorts of names (fat bitch, man posing as female, fake, etc). I replied well now that I see your TRUE nature, I see all my red flags were as usual right on target, and I am glad I had the sense to listen to them and NOT meet the person I see you as being, good day, good luck, and good bye. And I blocked him.

Then came the emails. Pandering, cowering, contrite, blah blah blah. I answered once to say I am not interested, thank you. Have a good life, and the next contact shall be deleted without being read and I shall block your emails.

Then came all the other screennames. he contacted me under about 30+ different screennames, emailing, IMing me, each one was obvious it was him, and he was blocked each time. Then he started going into any chatrooms I was on on any server I happened to be visiting that he found me on. Accusing me of this, of that. eeing if he could arrange a meeting with me as someone else. It was ridiculous. I just blocked him without a word and let him spew to himself. <shrug>

He finally dropped it. But somewhere out there in the San Jose/ Hayward area there's a nutcase waiting for a lady to be less cautious than I.

Sometimes the drama just comes for your throat - no matter how well you handle it, or what you do.

He taught me a very good lesson - my gut is still dead fucking on, and I should ALWAYS heed it, even if I don't understand *why* at the moment ... in time, it always shows why. And that me taking my time and making them wait tells me far more than by rushing into meeting them. How they handle the wait, and how the handle the pitfalls everyday life might throw at you preventing you from meeting can tell you far more in a few seconds than a few months of talking. Same for your wishes - if they go against them once, okay if they didn't know, but once made clear and they can reiterate them back to you clearly and then say they understand, there should be NO reason why it should occur again of their own doing.

Time is my first test. I'm open about that, I will specifically tell them how time is the first test - and not one person from online has EVER passed that first test, even though I make sure to tell them what the test is and ghow I grade that test, they have all the info in their hands to be able to pull it off, and none have. RT, yes. Online, nope.

Says it all right there and is one reason I am not actively seeking anything online. lol

~ShadeDiva

_____________________________

~ShadeDiva
My projects of love:
theFetishForums
HumanFauna
Kinked
DommeWorld

(in reply to LadyBeckett)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Severing without drama - 10/13/2004 8:04:03 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline 		Shade,

I can totally feel your energy when you write this. Your interactions with this guy sound like the ones I had. This guy only met 3 ProDommes in the past but really wanted a D/s relationship based on more then paid service. I have a boy who is my submissive lover but I am open to having secondary boys for D/s play, no sex. He was hoping we could develop something in that vein. I understood he was eager. As you said, people get trigger happy when they have a new opportunity.

Though I believe it is unfortunate that you went through this, I'm at least appreciative of the fact that you shared it with me. At least I know I'm not the only intelligent, bright woman who has been foiled by the passive-aggressive sneak attack.

quote:

He taught me a very good lesson - my gut is still dead fucking on, and I should ALWAYS heed it, even if I don't understand *why* at the moment


Yes. Me too. Our instincts are never wrong.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

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RE: Severing without drama - 10/16/2004 6:31:08 AM   
MiladyElaine


Posts: 1086
Joined: 10/10/2004
Status: offline 		I beg to differ about online training. I too have a gut instinct. I've always trained online first and can safely say that if they are not attentive and obedient online, they cerainly won't be in person. And yes, I have reached the actual meeting and playing stage with a select few!

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RE: Severing without drama - 10/16/2004 7:57:33 AM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline 		Elaine,

I don't think anyone here was trying to say there was anything wrong with online training. In anycase, it was not my intent. So no need to beg to differ...

And I'm glad you agree with us about instinct. It is our biggest asset.

On a side note, the emails have stopped for now.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

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RE: Severing without drama - 10/16/2004 8:58:30 AM   
Sylph


Posts: 38
Joined: 8/26/2004
Status: offline 		I had one of these passive agressives. He the first one I let serve after my divorce. The IM and phone conversations went well. I met for lunch and had a gut feeling that something was not right. I could spot no flags, just a feeling.

I let him serve twice- basically just domestic. He was a school teacher and on a snow day called and offered himself for service. I told him kindly that my daughter was home and that was not an option. This he just would not hear. So I told him that he would no longer be needed period.

Well this set him off I was told I was mentally unstable , leading him on ect. He never did anything I did not agree too. It pretty much degraded to me telling him that i recinded all acess to me. He was no longer welcome and I would tell security to remove him if he was spotted on the property. He sent me a bunch of emails and IM's from alternate screen names , which where blocked. He emailed me with his origional screen name 6 months later saying he lost 30 lbs and is a different person, would I consent to see him again. Well you know this was promtly deleted.

There is something about the gut feelings. Anytime in life I have ignored them, there was some sort of drama.

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
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RE: Severing without drama - 10/16/2004 10:46:03 AM   
newflowers


Posts: 292
Joined: 5/23/2004
Status: offline 		I don't often slip into this forum, but this thread has been interesting reading. I am not a Domme and am very happy with my submissive nature so I hope you din't mind my butting in here. Reading thses posts, I have to wonder if the reactions are less about Domme/submissive and more about Female/male. I wonder because I find that dominant males often react in a similar manner.

When he says he would like to talk on the phone, I ask if I may call him - so many get so upset with recriminations and accusations. I have already explained that I have my girls at home. I think it is safer in the initial stages to make calls with my number blocked (call through the operator)rather than receive them. On the rare occassions I get to the phone stage where he calls me, I ask politely to be called after I have finished my mommy chores for the night. Partly because I do not want my girls answering the phone when he calls and partly because my attention is not divided and I can focus on the conversation. Again, you'd think I'd ask for right arms and baby toes the way some carry on - again, the accusations and recriminations and name calling.

I used think of it in terms of questioning their domliness, but I have begun to wonder if it is more about a male thinking he is being refused something that he wants that must be given exactly the way he wants it.

Perhaps not, but it seems to me a simple request, let me call you as it is one of my safety measures or let me call you or call after a certain time so I am able to pay attention to you. In the initial stages preparing to meet, this seems very reasonable.

So Ladies, do you think it is a male thing, or simply a red flag personailty that I have no wish to deal with thing?

newflowers

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RE: Severing without drama - 10/16/2004 3:33:07 PM   
topcat


Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline
quote:

So Ladies, do you think it is a male thing, or simply a red flag personailty that I have no wish to deal with thing?


Midear Flowers-

Funny, but as I was reading this thread, I was thinking that (IMX, of course) women are far worse at dealing with rejection than men.

I have had women show up at my place of work, and demand that I leave to talk to them. In one case, I had caught her cheating on me four times in less than two years, and she was shocked that I would 'abandon' her, going so far as to try to spread the word that I was a 'bad dom' for casting her off so cruelly (fortunatly, both of us being know in the community, and the facts being known, my rep survived<g>).

I've been subjected to behaviors that would have gotten me arrested if I tried them. I have been stalked, harrassed, and assaulted.

(actual conversation "But why? why can't you come back?" -"Nancy, you hit me- repeatedly!"- "I didn't want you to leave!")

I suppose it isn't a gender thing, after all...

Stay warm,
Lawrence



_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

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RE: Severing without drama - 10/16/2004 3:48:44 PM   
newflowers


Posts: 292
Joined: 5/23/2004
Status: offline 		Lawrence -

Then a red flag I do wish to deal with your personailty disoder kind of thing. If someone were to show up at my work with that kind of drama they would be escorted from campus by the police. Holy cow, and I was complaining about emails and phone calls. Of course, the reason for my phone call policies is to avoid that sort of in-person drama.

I think drama is supposed to be when I get to go to the theatre and see actors on stage - not show up at my home or work acting like a complete and utter crazed maniac.

Don't you think it is interesting that both women and men encounter similar bizarre behavior from the opposite sex that we complain about to each other?

newflowers


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RE: Severing without drama - 10/17/2004 2:52:22 AM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Don't you think it is interesting that both women and men encounter similar bizarre behavior from the opposite sex that we complain about to each other?


And I know those who encountered stalking situations in same-sex relationships too.

As Lawrence said, it's not a gender thing at all. It's a personality thing. Passive agressive comes in every size & flavour.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

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RE: Severing without drama - 10/17/2004 4:33:32 AM   
ShadeDiva


Posts: 1005
Joined: 3/31/2004
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline 		What Angelika said.

What I voiced wasn't the only one, nor was it the worst, but it seemed to be the closet example of one of my experiences to what she had written.

I'm also not limited to male submissives. I top/dominate females as well. I've had a couple of really whacked out passive aggressive encounters with females as well, though most of those were rt, and thank god I take so long in getting to know someone before I play with them, so I had time to spot it befoire I made the mistake of getting in deeper.

Although, I did find myself in a sticky situation once (this year actually) as a result of a female submissive admirer.

I met her at a munch - I was an hour late, so everyone was involved by then, the FIRST thing she says when seeing me is ohhhh wow who are YOU? fairly loudly prompting everyone to stop talking and look at me (egads! I HATE that LOL) I took a seat near some friends so had to oass by her at which she loudly commented on how wonderful I smelled - it was nice, but it's sorta odd to have someone sorta shout it out when you've never laid eyes on them.

She eventually made her way to my table, to the point that it was obvious she had been flirting really heavily with the other ladies there, but she started putting so much attention on me it was downright ride to the other ladies at the table and very close to being insulting. It made me uncomfortable to have a virtual stranger literally lush lovey doveys to me within the first hour of meeting them, while almost insulting the other dominants in the same breath was even more disconcerting.

I chalked it up to being bubbly and excited and eager, giving her the benefit of the doubt. She wound up saying a few things that shot up a red flag but I was being nice so talked myself out of them thinking that perhaps I was being to rash and judgemental.

She lived on my way to the munch, complained that she didn't have a ride, so I offered. Bad mistake. During the night she professed her love for me (what??? after TWO meetings lasting maybe 2 hours each and a bunch of IMs??) how awesome I was, how attractive I was, etc. etc. She asked me to come into her home, I declined politely, and made a mental note that I would not be offering a ride again. I tried to distance myself a little, she'd IM me upset and anrgy and hurt that I didn't talk to her, I replied that I had warned her that I was a VERY busy lady and when online - I am usually working my ass off. I am focused and coding, and that tends to suck up my attention.

Then there was a play party. She asked if I could give her a ride, I declined, saying that I was bringing my spanking bench (true) and there would be no room (true). She spent the entire night hanging on me, and I DO mean hanging on me. I was thumbing through this vintage book, and she would leap into my lap, along wigh a lot of other actions that really were a violation of personal space. I had never been at this house, or with these people at a play party, so I was trying not to be rude, or obnoxious, so I took a hell of a lot more than I normally would have.

She'd wrap herself around my legs, tug on my shirt when I was talking to someone or doing something, ask me permission to do things, to which I'd reply, I'm not your dominant, do as you like, why ask me? She made a huge continuous show of wanting to play, other dommes were calling her on it, well fine, you want to play then stop playing on the equipment, take off your clothes, and lets do it. To which she'd do the oh no Im too scared only to start it up again.

She KNEW I hated manipulation, and that I can't stand it when people play little games, so I was determined to not play with her - as she was just trying to put me into a situation where I would do what she wanted, and I had already decided yanno this is most likely not a good idea. Unfortunately several of the dommes were somewhat new, and hadn't had experiences with someone wanting to push someone into playing with them that perhaps didn't want to.

She evidently started telling them how badly she wanted me to play with her. So all a sudden I had multiple dommes coming up to me and whispering things like, she really likes you and would like to play with you, or why dont you take her to the benches, etc. They didn't know me and thought that perhaps I was shy or didn't know she was interested. I replied that I knew. I figured that ought to be enough.

It wasn't enough. Finally it esculated to the point where I'd have to be outright rude and say look, I know she wants to but I don't - and I didn't want to hurt her as that would have done, and I didn't wish to make the other ladies feel badly like that in public in someones house I barely knew with people I didn't know that well. (I DID speak to each lady privately one on one about this later and let them know that if one party brushes it off, there is likely a reason and they are trying to be polite, and not to push them or place them in such a situation)

End result was that three other ladies were playing with her and she kept whining about me, so I figured oh what the hell, fuck it, with three other dommes as a buffer, it's not really intimate, I knew what she liked and didn't like, and thought if I just jumped in at the end for a bit it wouldn't do much harm.

BAD BAD BAD idea. LOL. Scene was okay, nothing really grand, though it was fun to bounce off the other ladies. They gave her aftercare so I was relieved of having to do that and increase the chance of creating more intimacy (thank the gods for that), but as she was recovering she lets the fact fly that she has no way home, no ride. So yeah, guess who gets to drive her home?

So on the way to her house, she professes her overwhelming love for me (it's 2:30 am BTW), asks me if she could cuddle me (I said no as politely and gently as possible), she asked for a kiss (I declined as nicely as possible), and then starts in about how it's so late and she can't imagine me driving home and that I need to spend the night. I replied that Ray has already called me since I'm out so late (I'm not normally out that late, so he was understandably a tad concerned until he reached me), and that I need to get home, but thanks for the thought.

She starts in on this tangent BIG time, I lost count of how many exaggerated yawns and sighs of howwwwwwwwww TIRED she was and HOW worried she would be if I drove home and how she wouldn't be able to sleep to which I replied look, I'm the dominant here, I SAID I'm fine, that MEANS I'm *fine*, if I wasn't I am perfectly capable of saying that I'm not and it's a freaking 15 minute drive for petes sake, you know someone is expecting me at home and is waiting for me, and to stop asking me. (she didn't stop - ugh) She asked to cuddle me again to which I replied no, and then she shoves her hands under my ASS - I swear I couldn't GET her home fast enough! LOL.

I finally pull up to her place and as she's leaving she begs me again one last time to come up and sleep with -- oh I mean sleep over so I don't worry her. Nice slip, and especially after I told her multiple times that was SO not going to happen, it was obvious this one simply wasn't going to ever HEAR what I said. Okay so it was obvious earlier. LOL. She asked me if I'd kiss her, I demurred politely again, and she leans in close and fast and plants a kiss on my cheek anyway.

She hounded me for a while, did the I'm so hurt deal, and the angry deal, the snotty deal, the guilt deal, and finally I guess got the message.

So yeah, they exist in all genders. I learned my lesson, politeness be damned, you don't want to play and have good reasons for it, then pull the encouragers aside RIGHT there and quietly tell them what's up. I was far too nice and I allowed some of the situation to develop.

And they aren't all passive agressive - those that cause dramas. The guilt dealers and the confused ones that act like wounded deers in headlights are just as bad. The ones that use those things to manipulate or get a desired result are just as icky as the passive-agressive ones to me.

And lord knows if she reads this here and recognizes herself I'll be getting a hurt wounded email saying she didn't know and how could I say that and that wasnt what she meant and how hard she took my post.

I don't think she's a BAD person but I think she has a lot of emotional baggage and some serious issues - and I'm simply not a shrink or wanting to untangle another person's damaged pysche and baggage - I just don't have the time or the patience.

I want to have fun, not feel like I'm playing a role in soap opera. lol.

~ShadeDiva

_____________________________

~ShadeDiva
My projects of love:
theFetishForums
HumanFauna
Kinked
DommeWorld

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Severing without drama - 10/17/2004 5:46:20 AM   
GoddessDustyGold


Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline 		Absolutely, it is important to follow that gut. I didn't and I am still dealing with the fallout of a relationship that didn't work out. Although things seem to be settling down much more now.
The lengths and drama some people will go through. They are blinded by their vindictiveness. It knows no bounds, no morals, no ethics, and no thought to who migh get hurt in the process. Absolutely My own fault. I knew, I knew, I knew, but I didn't listen to Myself. And it will never happen again. I don't have to spend months getting to know someone, (as proven by what happened!) but I sure will be following My best instincts.

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom


(in reply to LadyAngelika)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Severing without drama - 10/23/2004 7:16:16 AM   
harpomrx


Posts: 8
Joined: 10/22/2004
Status: offline 		This is a very interested thread for me. I'm a submissive male masochist who is, when it comes to BDSM play, a recovering borderline asshole. I describe myself that way because like some of the people described here, for most of my life I didn't know fantasy from reality, except when reality was disappointing, as it inevitably was. I was passive/agressive, topped from the bottom, tried to get Girlfriends to "do me", I persued Women who weren't interested...

After rereading a couple of previous posts, I have to say in my own defense, I'm not sure I was ever really that bad. But way too much of what's been described strikes painfully close to home.

In the last few years life has matured me considerably. I've come to realize that BDSM isn't about me and my willingness to serve or my willingness to suffer -- or anything else that starts with "my" or "me". BDSM, like any other relationship (friendship or love or anything in between) should be about "us". More and more, I'm finally realizing that "us" is the crucial ingredient; it has to be mutually satisfying or it's always going to lead to disappointment, if not hurt (the bad kind, not the good kind).

I've also, in the past, tried to persue relationships with Women who were clearly not interested. Again, it was about me, not about a potential us. I wasn't as persistent or abusive as some of the guys described here, but I made nearly as much of a fool out of myself. I now realize that being persued by someone you're not interested in is a very uncomfortable and distasteful situation to be in (I've been on that side of it too), and putting someone you profess to admire in that position is just idiotic. It's also rude to keep barging in where you're not wanted. The fact is, nobody can reach into somebody else's mind and turn a little switch that will make them suddenly like you, particularly after you've pissed them off by making a pest of yourself. Rejection, hard or soft, should be treated with respect. Otherwise all you accomplish is a buildup of lousy karma.

That's my two cents, anyway.

harpo

(in reply to ShadeDiva)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Severing without drama - 10/23/2004 9:43:50 AM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: harpomrx
This is a very interested thread for me. I'm a submissive male masochist who is, when it comes to BDSM play, a recovering borderline asshole.


Fantastic harpo.

I know personally how good it feels to vanquish a part of our personality we aren't so proud of. It is a sign that you are capable of evolution. Congratulations.

- LA


_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to harpomrx)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Severing without drama - 10/23/2004 10:46:24 AM   
MsDemmie


Posts: 19
Joined: 10/22/2004
From: Devon England
Status: offline 		What a fantastic thread ............ brilliant reading

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Severing without drama - 10/23/2004 4:28:34 PM   
SolidSX


Posts: 3
Joined: 9/19/2004
Status: offline 		Very entertaining. Although I'm kind of jealous. I want some girl obsessed with me lol!

(in reply to MsDemmie)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Severing without drama - 10/23/2004 9:19:58 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Very entertaining. Although I'm kind of jealous. I want some girl obsessed with me lol!


Trust me. You don't.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to SolidSX)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Severing without drama - 10/23/2004 9:42:36 PM   
stef


Posts: 10215
Joined: 1/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SolidSX

Very entertaining. Although I'm kind of jealous. I want some girl obsessed with me lol!

Be careful what you wish for!

~stef

_____________________________

Welcome to PoliticSpace! If you came here expecting meaningful BDSM discussions, boy are you in the wrong place.

"Hypocrisy has consequences"

(in reply to SolidSX)
Profile   Post #: 20
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