Vanilla Girlfriend with very Domme attitude

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Vanilla Girlfriend with very Domme attitude - 10/14/2004 7:59:08 AM

DFWServes

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Joined: 8/27/2004
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I've been in a vanilla relationship for a while, but they never seem to fulfill my need for submission to my significant other. At present, the girl I'm dating is very sexy, agressive, and bossy. She meets the criteria of a very promising Dominatrix, yet doesn't quite take full control. I have offered to let her wear the pants in the relationship, which she happily does, yet at times I don't get the fullfilment that she has accepted me as her sub. I find that the more submissive I become, the meaner she acts. The problem with that is, as many subs probably feel, it's nice to be appreciated for your efforts. Any ideas on pushing this forward towards being a more fulfilling relationship on both sides? If she's not happy, then it's hard to be happy serving her needs. Honestly she can be very bitchy. especially when in my submission I obey her orders and she gets the results she wants, why should she be nice?

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RE: Vanilla Girlfriend with very Domme attitude - 10/14/2004 9:57:36 AM

strongnsubmissiv

Posts: 197
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DFWServes

I've been in a vanilla relationship for a while, but they never seem to fulfill my need for submission to my significant other. At present, the girl I'm dating is very sexy, agressive, and bossy. She meets the criteria of a very promising Dominatrix, yet doesn't quite take full control. I have offered to let her wear the pants in the relationship, which she happily does, yet at times I don't get the fullfilment that she has accepted me as her sub. I find that the more submissive I become, the meaner she acts. The problem with that is, as many subs probably feel, it's nice to be appreciated for your efforts. Any ideas on pushing this forward towards being a more fulfilling relationship on both sides? If she's not happy, then it's hard to be happy serving her needs. Honestly she can be very bitchy. especially when in my submission I obey her orders and she gets the results she wants, why should she be nice?

Hey DFW...

With making a few assumptions about you and your relationship, it looks like you are a genuine hardwired male sub. I've experienced first hand the very thing you are talking about, so if we're as similar as i think we are, allow me to share my thoughts and what i've learned.

quote:

She meets the criteria of a very promising Dominatrix

Assuming your girlfriend isn't a closet Domme and just doesn't know it, the word "promising" is a huge red flag for me. It's my experience that you'll never mold, make or turn on your partner to Domination if it's not already in her. Sure her bitchy attitude is probably what attracted you initially, it would the same for me, however bitchy attitude doesn't = hardwired Domme.

quote:

I have offered to let her wear the pants in the relationship, which she happily does, yet at times I don't get the fullfilment that she has accepted me as her sub.

I'm sure you probably find, that being submissive to her, and serving her in your own way is somewhat fulfilling for you, however there are huge elements that are missing, and really can only be found in the dynamic that comes from being with a compatible woman. Your girlfriend doesn't accept you as her sub, because the dynamic you seek does not exsist between the two of you. I'll bet she finds it convenient and perhaps a little fun that she can push you around, but a hardwired Domme would also be physically excited by seeing you in a subservient role, which is a key ingredient that's missing from your current relationship. Her assertiveness turns you on, but your submission does not do the same for her.

quote:

The problem with that is, as many subs probably feel, it's nice to be appreciated for your efforts.

Absolutely! Admiration is the trophy for a job well done! For me, it's almost all about admiration and i strive to constantly be admired. I'm sure that with your girlfriend, she appreciates you cooking dinner, or cleaning the house, or rubbing her feet after a long day... whatever, but the kind of appreciation you are craving is being missed. She's simply not capable of giving it to you.

quote:

Any ideas on pushing this forward towards being a more fulfilling relationship on both sides?

My suggestion: Find a relationship that is more compatible with you.

There are women out there that will nurture that submissive man within you. Nurture it so that it will allow you to live in a way that will be fulilling to you, and to her as well, yin and yang. It will do no good to constantly run yourself in circles, by submitting to a vanilla woman, only to almost always be let down emotionally because the chemistry isn't correct. Try not to confuse "bitchy" with "Domme". Bitchy is a simple attitude or character trait. Being geniuinely Domme or sub, is deep rooted in our sexuality, and the depth of happiness you are looking for can only be found there. Try not to believe that you can teach someone to have that kind of sexuality, otherwise it's my guess you'll be unfulfilled in the end, and after much pointless effort on your part.

Hardwired Dommes do exist out there, although very tough to find. The numbers are definitely not on our side, but can you possibly fathom how happy you'd be, if you found the right woman to nurture that genuine submissive man that's within you?

Good luck..

sns

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*** Strong and submissive are not contradictions ***

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RE: Vanilla Girlfriend with very Domme attitude - 10/14/2004 10:25:29 AM

DFWServes

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Ironically - the more Dom I act, the more she retreats from her bitchy attitude. It's almost as if she doesnt notice it unless I really unload on her. In the past, especially early in the relationship, steering the boat was an easy task for myself. I suppose, over time, that I slowly moved into the sub position to see if she would pick up as the Domme. Possible she is more of a closet switch?

Anyhow! You're message was very well received and informative. Thanks!

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RE: Vanilla Girlfriend with very Domme attitude - 10/14/2004 12:28:34 PM

ChrisGreen

Posts: 103
Joined: 10/9/2004
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I think you are letting your expectations get in the way of your relationship; it might be a good idea to forget about bdsm for a while and just try to be the real vanilla you.

Apart from that have you actually talked to her about your submissive needs?

From where I sit, over here in England, it sounds as though you have not had a heart-to-heart with your girlfriend.

From the reaction you have described it sounds as if she prefers to have a male friend who stands up to her, someone she would regard as an equal; I think you may find that she does not like men whom she would regard as 'weak'.

However, if you were to tackle her and be truthful, then you could show that you are very far from being 'weak', and that you need to express a side of you that she has not 'seen or registered' as being part of her male friend.

You may also find that she has some form of interest in this, or perhaps has no knowledge, in that case, I would get her to talk to ladies who are in the scene, but in a vanilla setting, say a munch.

Hope this helps.
Regards
Chris Green

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Chris Green

Matron, sister or nurse wanted,
to administer discipline to unruly patient.

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RE: Vanilla Girlfriend with very Domme attitude - 10/14/2004 1:08:23 PM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
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First things first, I really appreciated sns’s comments to you. I believe they are filled with wise advice from the submissive male perspective.

We don’t have enough information here to tell you whether or not your girlfriend is a hard-wired Domme. However, you might. A heart to heart with her such as Chris suggested might be a good idea.

Now let me talk a bit about the hard-wired Female Domme perspective.

quote:

ORIGINAL: strongnsubmissiv
Assuming your girlfriend isn't a closet Domme and just doesn't know it, the word "promising" is a huge red flag for me. It's my experience that you'll never mold, make or turn on your partner to Domination if it's not already in her. Sure her bitchy attitude is probably what attracted you initially, it would the same for me, however bitchy attitude doesn't = hardwired Domme.

The first time submission was offered up to me in a relationship setting, I had no idea how to handle it. To have someone offer up such vulnerability was intense. Part of it excited me and part of it overwhelmed me. I very much liked the feeling of someone wanting to serve me and offer up their body for use. At the same time, their need scared the hell out of me. I was much younger then and still learning about relationship dynamics in general.

Some of the original fears that I had was of going to far, of hurting her emotionally or physically. She saw dominance in me because she felt it. But when push came to shove I ran away. As much as I wanted to be bossy, mean and unleash my sadistic self, that part of me scared me. Wasn’t I supposed to be someone who nurtured? Didn’t help that this was a girl-girl dynamic and all that lesbian propaganda around us was all about non-violence.

I never really understood it until I understood the basis of power exchange dynamics. I learned the dynamics slowly and did a lot of introspection. I switched for a while and that helped me understand parts of myself. I never really submitted but I bottomed. One of the most beneficial experiences that I had was being quite intensely physically and mentally tortured by a man who I knew had unconditional and nurturing love for me. If he could do it, why couldn’t I?

Sometimes it takes time for us to come to terms with who we really are.

- LA

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RE: Vanilla Girlfriend with very Domme attitude - 10/14/2004 1:31:35 PM

MaitresseEden

Posts: 477
Joined: 8/8/2004
From: Houston, Texas
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There is literally not a single day that goes by where I don't hear from some frustrated male sub who complains that he was attracted to his girlfriend or wife at first because they were assertive and they thought that maybe she would "Grow" into being a Domme. Some do, Some don't.

I have so many thoughts I want to insert into this thread I'm struggling with organizing them, so forgive me if I find the bulleted means the easiest way to lay them out.

* First off, there is a big difference between being dominant and being domineering, It is not wise to confuse the two. One is trying to lead, the other oppress.

* I question how someone can be in a relationship or even enter into one with someone without talking about these kinds of issues. If your conservative and your Gf is libral, you talk about it. If your an Athesist and your Boyfriend is a devote Catholic you talk about these issues, up front and they often figure into the the structure of the relationship in and off itself. WHY do so many people leave their sexual preferences to the roll of the dice and not speak about them? Say for example, you enjoyed oral sex. why would you marry, commit to or otherwise get involved with someone who didn't like it? PEOPLE DON'T change. Ok.. so say.. they don't know if they like it or not. Then it is up to you to reassure them that it is ok and to make thier experience a pleasant one.. SO Often people end up making some smart ass comment such as.. " you look so trampy with cum on your mouth" or.. Geez.. did you have to gag" If this is a new experience for someone, you just ruined it for them.. Those comments come much later on once you learned thier level of comfort.

* DFW is you want her to be Domme then why do you "become dominant" causing her to retreat from her bitchy attitude? I am confused.. do you want her to be a bitch Domme? Not all Dommes are bitches..

* I think chris green has a good read in that your expectations are getting ahead of you and that you need to communicate with her. Why be in a relationship with someone you can't freely communicate with. This to me is the biggest quandry of all.

* Last, alot of women grow into power and become more comfortable with it as time passes but only if they are encouraged in embracing it. If they are sent mixed signals and expected to still maintain some socially submissive postureing it often diminishes the growth. If you really want to empower her, talk to her, and encourage her, to be confident in all things, not just those things sexual or related to you. Furthermore, when she does.. don't resist.. thank her.

Ms. Eden

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