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and its gone..gone...gone - 5/17/2006 7:20:10 PM   
scratchingpost


Posts: 231
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline 		I have been taking a class this semester in school regarding death and loss...Grief of all types. We had to take an inventory of our lives of all the things we have lost...My first smart ass remark of all the things I lost I miss my mind the most...then in private I did a lot of soul searching and realized all those who have come into my life and are now gone from death to just ended relationships. I didn't quite realize how it was affecting me until I started having awful dreams of this emptiness. A complete void that made no sense. A nothingness that compared to no other emptiness I ever felt.

I started to class two weeks ago and just broke down in tears (so much for being such a strong domme hmm?) Then last week in class we were discussing cultural grief and how different people react and I remembered something my father told me ...not to be selfish not to cry they are better off dead than alive  So when he died I didnt cry.

I stopped crying somewhere along the way as a child I  stopped feeling things deeply...Then Someone special came along and opened that up for me in a way that I never had experienced before...when the door slammed shut though I didnt know how to handle it....how do you move on be it death or loss of a bdsm relationshp? How do you grieve? I know the cycle of grief I can teach it to others...I know what to look for I know how to help others, but how do I accept things myself how do I let go of a past I long for and embrace the future I can have? It is not simply a matter of "just do it" because I am the type of person who will go through the motions and repress things but how do I really get through it heal and move forward 100% not just on the surface? And how can one let go of ones dreams of the past and form new ones for the future? How can one be certain what is the right way to go?

_____________________________

be safe and smile
purrrs kitty
(=^.^=)
www.misskittys-scratchingpost.com
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RE: and its gone..gone...gone - 5/17/2006 7:25:24 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		How *I* deal with loss, generally, is to initially quietly accept it.

Later that day or the next day, when alone or with someone I'm comfortable with, I break down severly, cry, rage, go through all the mess.

Then I deal.  Over the next few months generally I'll be fine, with occasional bad days of memories and sifting and crying. 

As far as how can you move on- that's a big one.  Sometimes therapy really can help break down those locks on your doors.  Sometimes it's  just a matter of not being afraid anymore and realizing that life really is too short to limit yourself to what you had to deal with in the past.  Sometimes it's just one day at a time devoting yourself to being "the new person you envision for yourself."

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: and its gone..gone...gone - 5/17/2006 7:40:30 PM   
LadyMorgynn


Posts: 800
Joined: 11/25/2005
From: N. Carolina
Status: offline 		To be honest, I don't know the answer to any of these.  I wish I did.  When HE died 5 years ago, part of me died too.  February 10, 2001, was without contest the singular most horrific day of my life.  My own death would be but a flicker in the shadow of that day.  I can think of him now, without crying.  I don't think of him every day any more... sometimes a whole week goes by that he may not come to mind for some reason.  I no longer have those really horrific dreams in which he tells me that he's not really dead, that he's alive, and when I beg him to tell me that I'm not just dreaming this, that he's alive, he assures me that it's not a dream, and I am so happy.... and then I wake up.  And it's like losing him all over again, every time.  For awhile I hated him for that... not for dying, but for promising he was not really dead.  For awhile I even hated my daughter, just for existing, because I couldn't join him... I couldn't do that to my daughter, but I resented the hell out of it, and her.  Since we are very close, it was also hard to hide that from her, but there was a whole year there where I was what you might call dysfunctional.

I have moved on.  Like Wellington, I was finally able to "tie a knot."  It took 4 years before I could even consider forming a relationship, but I've gotten there.  I feel I'm as heart-whole as I will ever be; that is, no one could ever replace him, but certainly I have room in my heart for another.  It just won't be My Great Love as there was before. 

The only gaping wound is in the area of sex.  It's like that part of me is buried along with him.  I can't even think at a man sexually, or much less look at one, sexually.  It's not even that I can't because I feel it would be betrayal, I mean there is just nothing there.  Zip, nada.  Maybe one day it will come back.  Maybe it won't.  I don't spend much time worrying about not wanting sex, just like I don't spend any time worrying about  not liking artichokes.  It does, however, make it a helluva tough road to find a 24/7 slave!  <grimace>

quote:

ORIGINAL: scratchingpost
how do you move on be it death or loss of a bdsm relationshp? How do you grieve? I know the cycle of grief I can teach it to others...I know what to look for I know how to help others, but how do I accept things myself how do I let go of a past I long for and embrace the future I can have? It is not simply a matter of "just do it" because I am the type of person who will go through the motions and repress things but how do I really get through it heal and move forward 100% not just on the surface? And how can one let go of ones dreams of the past and form new ones for the future? How can one be certain what is the right way to go?


_____________________________

---
Lady Morgynn
www.farhorizons.net/LadyMorgynn

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RE: and its gone..gone...gone - 5/17/2006 8:04:52 PM   
puella


Posts: 2457
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		Hello scratchingpost,

What a lovely thought process you had.. That might seem odd, to think of your struggles with death and loss as lovely.... what I mean is this... for what ever reason, in this day and age, we think of death and the approach to it as a disease rather than a part of life.  Death is just as organic as birth.  It frightens us because we do not know what comes after.  It saddens us because we left behind must grieve the loss of someone sacred to us.

The fact that you can hold someone in that space, in the sacred says a lot about you.  It shows you that that numbness you felt is not a wholesome. 

With such deep feeling often comes great fear.. and a part of that fear is the fear of the pain of loss.  It is beautiful that even feeling that, knowing that.. you still choose to love, consciously and fully.

Soak up when you can.. we can not always determine the span of time we get to feel it.  Good luck.

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RE: and its gone..gone...gone - 5/17/2006 8:31:59 PM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear scratchingpost, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
I have had so many people die on me in the scene.  Just wears me down into an emotional grease spot.
 
There are no one answers to the grieving process, as each death of an individual is somewhere in the tapestry that has created the fabric of your life.  No matter how prepared you are, or think you are, when the time comes--you're never prepared; even when medically you know they are dying and it is a matter of days and hours.
 
I grieve equally over the loss of my horses.  To me those where my dearest connections, so honest and so giving to me.  Unconditional love.
 
I think of my first slave, which like first of anything, will hold a more entrenched memory and the loss would be deeper.  Loosing him was crippling.  When you have somebody take care of everything, suddenly you're alone--don't know where he filed this or that. [Chuckles]  Other slaves and Master friends who have passed have deeply effected me, as I was at their bed's side.  Family of theirs abandoned them and or partners.  That is when you know who 'really' is your friend.  I've lost a few other slaves to death. 
 
But, I think when my parent died--I hurt more than I thought I would but, I was more bonded with this particular parent.  Now, I am left with the remaining parent, to whom made life miserable for us both--yet, they live and all the stress caused in addition, don't know if I'll die in harness before the parent dies first.  As things are sorted that belonged to the dead parent, it is just so easy to cry all over again.  It has been 8 months.  My parent passed away a day before the training academy started for Masters.  I accompanied my surviving parent and sibling and made the plans for burial and such.  The viewing held, I changed my clothes and went to the academy, sat at the formal dinner, did my class and made it all the way through.  I couldn't do anything for my parent--but, I could do for those students.  After the burial services, I returned to the academy to finish up.  Frankly, I don't know how I did it but, I didn't miss a beat--just very tired and sensitive.  I think the academy staff and students broke down more than I because they knew what an effort I made to be there.  So this next class this weekend will be a reminder of 8 months ago, with a new class of Masters.  The slave training classes haven't had the raw emotions.
 
I think as a Nation and as a culture--we all lost and grieved on 9-11.
 
Anything that connects us will cause a sincere grief, that only can be dealt with by the individual.  Some need a ritual to close the door as to start the healing process.  Some can deal with it other ways. 
 
The Master-slave conference in DC will have a workshop on grief.  I attended it and it really is on how we all share our stories and how we support each other.
 
Right now--I just do the best I can.  I don't consider myself weak when I cry.
I am human and we have a right to be human.  I know my compassion, I know my ability to heal others and open to those who know how to heal me some.  I've hugged so many people giving comfort to them.  But, even I need a few hugs to.
 
So, to all who are grieving {{{BIGGGGGGGGGGG HUGS}} to you all.
 
Respectfully shared,
Lady Hugs
 
 
 

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RE: and its gone..gone...gone - 5/17/2006 8:34:10 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		The same way you grieve anything else.

I went through the loss of my first BDSM relationship on Thanksgiving of last year. We knew each other for 3 years, became closer for over 2. It felt like I lost so much. It took a lot to give me closure, in fact I only quit hoping that it might turn out differently at the end of March. I cried so many tears for this relationship, not only after it was over, but during it as well. I think I just got tired of crying.

Everyone is different in how they process grief, and there seem to be cycles of loss in life. At times we seem to be losing more than at other times. You are right, when you lose a relationship you valued it is not only the relationship itself you grieve, but the hopes you have for it in the future you must grieve also.

I found this site when I decided I had to move past my grief over this person.  It helped not because it was about processing grief rationally, which is what you seem to be used to doing,.. Instead it helped because it was a collection of poems about loss with affirmations. It mixed this with giving validation that ALL feelings are normal at this time. I normally do nto read things like this, but I needed this site when I found it, and it really helped me to cry cleansing tears.. to read other's heart felt thoughts about loss. Maybe I am supposed to pass it on to you, or someone else reading this post. I am sending you light, and yes it does get better!

The link to the book (it is a whole book with chapters that the psychologist that wrote it published for free on the net) http://www.mcwilliams.com/books/sur/srtoc.htm

On Edit: I read the last sentence over again, about not crying when your father died. I was also told not to cry when my father passed when I was 14, and it took YEARS for me to learn how to grieve even minor things because of that happening... I didnt cry and it really harmed me emotionally. Believe it or not, I think that this last relationship and the loss of it was to teach me how to grieve, because it is not something we are born knowing how to do. Again I send you good thoughts...

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 5/17/2006 8:41:03 PM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

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Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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RE: and its gone..gone...gone - 5/17/2006 8:54:53 PM   
leakylee


Posts: 747
Joined: 7/2/2004
Status: offline 		hello scratchingpost,
It seems like when we lose parts of us. They go away for a bit. I know that I personally can't face the onslaut of the greif all at once. Somehow  it filters through by degrees. I cry when i need to, cuss when the need is there, or just find a spot that brings that person closer. Sometimes I often think that the death is the easier part to deal with, it is final. There is not the languishing issues of what ifs, and maybes for the future.

I find that the easiest way to handle it all for me is to remember. The love and the times shared are still very much a part of who we are. That part can never change, but I guess that is the part that comes with time. As strange as this may sound losing my god-son to cancer made death much easier to face. His was a bright soul, and his passing taught many of us that there can be peace in going. I dont mean to sound morbid. But I learned to see things through his little eyes that i will treasure always, and if the angels that he kept pestering us about, truly were there to take him home. Then he is cool. I guess that I learned to value what time there is, versus what is going. I still raged, but in the end there was peace.

sorry didnt mean to ramble on or get all mushey..

peace and love
lee

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RE: and its gone..gone...gone - 5/17/2006 10:09:15 PM   
Sinergy


Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline 		 
Hello,

I had a job driving forklifts with a co-worker I have known for a few years.  We were on board a cruise ship, and as we are allowed to do, we wandered up to eat lunch on board.  Their food was not something I would rave about, but it didnt cost anything and there was plenty of it.

So my co-worker, a late 50ish man, and I are yakking about this and that.  And I asked him some questions about his family and suddenly, dramatically, he opened up.

Now dont get me wrong, this sort of thing is something that I am used to.  For some reason, people tend to open up to me about the most painfully intimate details of their lives.

He discussed his marraige, and how much he loves his wife, etc.  But then he veered off into talking about the child they lost maybe 10 years ago.  Tears streamed down his face.  I didnt say things like "perhaps it was for the best" or "you should get over it" and the like.  I simply listened.  I even asked questions about it, knowing he had more emotions tied up in there. 

Emotions are what they are.  The brain floods with certain chemicals which cause responses.  The images which bring these changes about may vary from person to person, but I do not feel it is my place to pass judgement on whether an issue is "tear-worthy" or not.  I have seen dozens, hundreds of people fight for their lives behind a viel of tears.  I suspect the reason people use minimizing statements (you should get over it) is more because of their own discomfort around tears, than anything else.  I personally think that people need to process their grief and their own way.

Just me, etc.

Sinergy



_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle


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RE: and its gone..gone...gone - 5/18/2006 3:36:36 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sinergy


Hello,

I had a job driving forklifts with a co-worker I have known for a few years.  We were on board a cruise ship, and as we are allowed to do, we wandered up to eat lunch on board.  Their food was not something I would rave about, but it didnt cost anything and there was plenty of it.

So my co-worker, a late 50ish man, and I are yakking about this and that.  And I asked him some questions about his family and suddenly, dramatically, he opened up.

Now dont get me wrong, this sort of thing is something that I am used to.  For some reason, people tend to open up to me about the most painfully intimate details of their lives.

He discussed his marraige, and how much he loves his wife, etc.  But then he veered off into talking about the child they lost maybe 10 years ago.  Tears streamed down his face.  I didnt say things like "perhaps it was for the best" or "you should get over it" and the like.  I simply listened.  I even asked questions about it, knowing he had more emotions tied up in there. 

Emotions are what they are.  The brain floods with certain chemicals which cause responses.  The images which bring these changes about may vary from person to person, but I do not feel it is my place to pass judgement on whether an issue is "tear-worthy" or not.  I have seen dozens, hundreds of people fight for their lives behind a viel of tears.  I suspect the reason people use minimizing statements (you should get over it) is more because of their own discomfort around tears, than anything else.  I personally think that people need to process their grief and their own way.

Just me, etc.

Sinergy


Nicely said. I'm a very emotional person, and I think one should feel things, and feel them honestly. But keep one eye on whether or not you're using those feelings for attention, or to manipulate.

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RE: and its gone..gone...gone - 5/18/2006 4:40:29 AM   
twicehappy


Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		I wish i could answer you, many are those i have lost, brothers in the wind, a grandchild, a parent, a blood brother; some cause me more grief than others. Most i do not think of often though i remember them still. 

A few I mourn heavily on special days, yet to this day and it has now been 7 years there is one i mourn daily. The first couple of years i threw myself into racing, going balls to the wall abandoning all my prior caution, until i crashed good. I still raced then but a tad more carefully. 

Now i have two people i love in the same way, they fill me with the same kind of love that is all for them. Yet still there are those times when i can hear him, feel him and my heart bleeds afresh. I think it will until the end of my days. 

I am druid so i do believe they have all moved on to the next cycle for them as i will someday as well. I do not cry because they are gone from this span of years, i do not think i mourn out of selfishness, i think it is simply pain i cannot heal, no one can truly heal. 

Most of us are capable of letting the wounds scab over until they are but a memory, some wounds continue to exist.

Yet would I change things if I could? No, I would not. I could not be where I am now if I did, nor would I deny a spirit its walk along the wheel of its existence. So you keep what you learned from them all, and move forward yourself.

"My heart has rooms that sigh with dust
And ashes in the hearth.
They must be cleaned and blown away
By daylight's breath.
But I cannot essay the task,
For even dust to me is dear;
For dust and ashes still recall,
My love was here

"I know not how to say Farewell,
When Farewell is the word
That stays alone for me to say
Or will be heard.
But I cannot speak out that word
Or ever let my loved one go
How can I bear it that these rooms
Are empty so?

"I sit among the dust and hope
That dust will cover me.
I stir the ashes in the hearth,
Though cold they be.
I cannot bear to close the door,
To seal my loneliness away
While dust and ashes yet remain
Of my love's day."
 
from Thomas Covenant the Unbeliever



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Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

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RE: and its gone..gone...gone - 5/18/2006 5:25:03 AM   
MissyRane


Posts: 1032
Joined: 5/11/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

How *I* deal with loss, generally, is to initially quietly accept it.

Later that day or the next day, when alone or with someone I'm comfortable with, I break down severly, cry, rage, go through all the mess.

Then I deal.  Over the next few months generally I'll be fine, with occasional bad days of memories and sifting and crying. 

As far as how can you move on- that's a big one.  Sometimes therapy really can help break down those locks on your doors.  Sometimes it's  just a matter of not being afraid anymore and realizing that life really is too short to limit yourself to what you had to deal with in the past.  Sometimes it's just one day at a time devoting yourself to being "the new person you envision for yourself."

Like spoken from my heart! Are we related or something?

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RE: and its gone..gone...gone - 5/18/2006 7:12:11 AM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		Although i also go through the whole process, what helped me move on is something that hasn't been mentioned so far, but it was to forgive them. When i realized how angry i was, i knew that i would be stuck unless i forgave them. Sometimes that has taken tangible form, like writing the person a letter (even if i never sent it, as sending it to someone who has died is really difficult) and other times it has been more of a mental thing.  However, i have found each time that i used this method, it released something in me to be able to start moving on.

Also, because of my spiritual viewpoint, i have also at times had to "forgive" God (i realize that can sound strange) for what happened. But for me forgiving the person for going and forgiving God for "allowing", "causing" where ever i happened to be at the time has really helped me.

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RE: and its gone..gone...gone - 5/18/2006 7:20:16 AM   
Dustyn


Posts: 1044
Joined: 4/5/2006
Status: offline 		Emotions aren't what they are cracked up to be... complicate way too many things all too often... but that's just me... never felt it was a sign of weakness to cry, or anything else like that... just not something for me...

How do I deal with grief? Accept what happened as inevitable and move on with the day... then again, few people would ever say I had a heart...

- Dustyn


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Murderer?! Murderer! Let me tell you something about murder. It's fun; it's easy; you gonna learn ALL about it. - Tin Tin

Can you be more amusing?

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RE: and its gone..gone...gone - 5/18/2006 9:32:02 AM   
scratchingpost


Posts: 231
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline 		you have a very interesting point I tend to hold on to that anger I wonder what would happen if I let it go? Will they completely disappear? I sit and think about it and I am angry at the abandonment. I am angry about being left behind. I'm angry that there is nothing I can do to change it. I'm angry that I can't be certain I do not like feeling out of control. I'm angry that things end and I'm supposed to just "go on with life" as if nothing changed or that the past was meaningless. It makes me feel meaningless. I'm angry at some relationships that ended that hurt me as much as my partents dying. I'm still kinda pissed at my mother for putting my cat to sleep without letting me say goodbye and I know that is stupid especially since she has died but I never told her I felt hurt that she lied to me about it. (I had a cat from the time I was 2 until I was married and it was sick so mom put it to sleep out of its pain but told me it was natural causes until years later) I'm angry with myself for not being better than I was. For every mistake and hard time I gave those I loved. For every rift mistake I made when they were in my life.  Like the time I used my emergency money dad gave me as a teenager to go out drinking with my friends instead then lied to him about using it....I later confessed but I never got over feeling guilty and I wish I could take it back because It was a rare moment that I actually lied to my parents to anyone really... I hate living with guilt so I just dont do it. (I know guilt in the case of being human is silliness conciously but emotionally I am still pissed at myself for every mistake I made concerning those I love)

I hate that this class has done this to me. That what is supposed to be education teaching me how to teach others to go through these processes has ripped open every wound that I have sucessfully avoided all these years. From screwing up the best relationship I ever had to the pain of losing people to death that I love.  I know that on one hand there is no better teacher than experience but on the other hand it really hurts and I can't fix any of it and I dont know how to deal wtih it staying that way unable to change it because you cannot undo the past. I hate that it came at a point in my life where I was happy when everything was going exactly the way I wanted it and that I let it affect me so much when I have a good life. I do not want to deal with these losses right now. I dont want to look at them and feel all that I feel.  I dont know how to enjoy today and mourn yesterday at the same time and now I seem to be happy one moment and crying the next and it is strange to me.

I am sorry for rambling and ranting I have so much to be grateful for in life. Why are these pasts haunting me so much? I know my professor would say it is unresolved issues (she should know she made me face them) But, the conflict is so out of place. To have everything but math class going right  right now in the present, yet grieving over somethings that happened a year 6 years 8 years 18 years agi seens to have collided in my heart at once. GRRR it makes no sense and how long will this last? How long before I can let it go and finally close the chapter on the past and never go back there again?

_____________________________

be safe and smile
purrrs kitty
(=^.^=)
www.misskittys-scratchingpost.com

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RE: and its gone..gone...gone - 5/18/2006 9:49:38 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: scratchingpost
GRRR it makes no sense and how long will this last? How long before I can let it go and finally close the chapter on the past and never go back there again?

"What you resist, persists"

Life has a way of slamming you in the face eventually with what you won't deal with.

I personally believe that life hands us lessons exactly when we need them- as sucky as it might be.  Keep it going, I think you're exactly where you should be right now.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: and its gone..gone...gone - 5/18/2006 10:20:21 AM   
composer83


Posts: 101
Joined: 2/14/2006
From: Oklahoma City
Status: offline 		emotions are energy just like anything else.......i have found that old Albert E was right & that energy never disappears....it merely changes form.....so just as the spirit, or energy of a person is freed in death (to whatever realm your prefferred religeon chooses) likeweise, we must channel our grief and sadness (also forms of energy) to something productive......
for me it is music & poetry......for you it may be working outside.....or just giving your sub a good ass whipping.......
it is that these feelings of grief, sorrow & emptiness will never subside.....but can be used as invaluable sources of inspiration.....

~m

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~Love is Pain~


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RE: and its gone..gone...gone - 5/18/2006 10:33:03 AM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		i found when i forgave, the only thing that disappeared was the anger and the desire for restitution. It was then that i could hold on to the good memories about the person without being pummelled by the bad ones.

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RE: and its gone..gone...gone - 5/18/2006 1:07:19 PM   
scratchingpost


Posts: 231
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline 		I would like to take a moment and thank E/everyone who is supportive of Me during this time..I greatly value your imput and it is providing Me a way to express things I dare not say to those who are closest to Me...(they tend to believe I am capable of more than I am ...even I grieve I guess...) I am right now thinking of the moment I stepped out of the hospital room the last time I saw My dad...I said good-bye to him a ritual we vowed to never say to each other it is always so long see you later whatever but never goodbye...I sat down on the floor outside his room not looking back. I wanted to cry and my step mother came outside the room at that moment and said "You cant be breaking down now your our strength" I wrote his eulogy I did all that I could to provide thier comfort and after they moved on with thier lives and  healed they never asked if I was alright...they just expected it. It wasnt fair I was his only biological child they were a step family that met him later in life why were they allowed to mourn him and I was forbidden to? and WHY the hell did I obey their desires?

I am thinking about when I argued and lost a fight with my brothers over my mothers death. She had always said to never have anything amputated she would rather die and when the cancer overtook her the doctor gave her two weeks to live without surgery or three months with I said let her go that is what she would want. When she (under tremendous amounts of medication) signed the paperwork for surgery she said I hope Im signing my death certificate I dont want this. Again I was forced to console those who put themselves first even before her at that time (they said two months is better than two weeks we're not ready to let go yet)

I am thinking about the most important relationship I had in My past and how it felt to be left. And how I would give just about anything to be able to open up and be heard about what I went through with that person. To let them know I carry it in me still.

I am thinking about how my ex husband made a tombstone for my cat and till this day don't want my parents  house to be sold outside the family because she is burried there. (a child's love for a first pet I guess)

I am thinking about what a morbid child I was when I said my prayers I prayed the world would end all at once so that no one would have to suffer grief. Being the youngest I always feared everyone disappearing from My life even as young as 5 years old. I had made a decision to not "do death" I made a decision to not let people into that part of Me that could hurt me that deeply if they left. But yet...no matter how many safeguards I put up...it seems to have happened anyway. I think sometimes of my own children and how they will feel one day when I am gone and I wonder if I can teach them to grieve and go on with life and to not feel guilty for it. That their mistakes are part of growing and that I fogive them no matter what...so they don't have to carry it around inside them like I have been doing...

Part of my assignment this semester was to form a curicculum for doing that for children. I guess so that they don't grow up to have that particular dysfunction as I do about this subject matter. I recommended that teachers and councelors before teaching this or while teaching this to others to basically do what I am doing adress losses and confront it once and for all so they can move on. Let it go. Right now however, I wonder...will I be able to do that Myself?

_____________________________

be safe and smile
purrrs kitty
(=^.^=)
www.misskittys-scratchingpost.com

(in reply to heartfeltsub)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: and its gone..gone...gone - 5/18/2006 3:08:57 PM   
maybemaybenot


Posts: 2817
Joined: 9/22/2005
Status: offline 		Scratchingpost:

I think if you step away from yourself for just a moment, you will see what you are doing right here, right now is grieving. From your posts, you seem to have supressed grief at the time of the loss and now it is all coming out. The problem is, normally we grieve each loss as it happens. Dealing with one loss at a time is hard enough, when you are grieving multiple losses it can be overwhelming.
On the upside, what you are doing now is beginning the grieving process, that you were unable to do years ago, or in the past. So you are going thru the normal process, in a delayed time period. Harder to do, but you seem to recognize it and want to work thru it.
My advice, for what it is worth is to feel everything you are feeling right at the moment. If you are angry, be angry. If you are sad, be sad. You did not or were not allowed to have these feelings at the time, so you need to let them out and have a place to put them. Where do you put them and how do you put them there?  It's a process, and as you grieve each loss and feel every feeling, you will find that there is a little place in your mind they can be filed. After the anger, after the pain, after the despair comes peace and you see things differently. You see the good parts, you rememeber the fun things, you soften a bit. Everyonce in a while the saddness returns, but it is fleeting.

There are two wonderful books I use in my practice < hospice> that you may like to take a look at.
The Courage to Grieve- J. Tatalbaum
Good Grief-- G.Westburg < has religous/spiritual overtones, but excellent read and deals with loss other than death >

Shakespeare once said: Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break. 
 
I am not sure what area of study you are in, but I can tell you from personal experience, that the study of grief,  and working with berieved families/individuals is very different and it is so much easier to see it clinically and have the right answers, than it is to deal with on a personal level. When dealing with our own losses, remember we are not the clinician, but the berieved person and it's OK for us to go thru all the same processes others go thru. And just because we have
* better knowledge*, does not make it easier, nor are we exempt fropm the same feelings everyone else has.
 
 
I wish you well on this journey, as painful as it is to go thru, it is equally freeing.
 
                                                       mbmbn
 

_____________________________

Tolerance of evil is suicide.- NYC Firefighter

When tolerance is not reciprocated, tolerance becomes surrender.

(in reply to scratchingpost)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: and its gone..gone...gone - 5/19/2006 10:35:18 AM   
scratchingpost


Posts: 231
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline 		Well I turned in My paper and I did My presentation last night.  I didnt follow my notes though I sort of just winged it.It was the first time a presentation did not leave Me freaked out (My toy is the exhibitionist Im rather shy) It went well...somehow I managed to be able to throw in some humor, which the class desperately needed earlier in the class due to the stress of giving presentations a peer had a seizure and needed to be sent to the hospital just as we were about to begin them.

I let the words flow naturally about how to cope and face these things. My professor was pleased, the class enjoyed it...and I sucesssfully did not cry nor reflect upon My past.ummm horay for avoidance?

I tried communicaitng with someone who I needed to share these feelings with  but they were not met wtih the response I had hoped for. I had hoped for understanding but as expected, received the view of just get over it already...I said that is what i am trying to do...finally heal the right way. I guess I am going to need to form closure in another manner I realize I have to learn to accept that what I wanted for closure on that was agreement understanding and that is not going to happen. I guess that too is a lesson to be learned I cant have it My way...(I hate that)

I have moved from NY to CA to get far far away from all of this, perhaps it is time to go home for a visit and say good bye. I did not go to My parents funerals.  I was fortunately able to give My fathers eulogy via the phone. I had surgerya few days before  he died and had gotten an infection so the Dr said I couldnt fly as for my mom well I had just adopted children the day prior to her death so I couldnt leave them behind and couldnt afford 5 tickets across country.  Since the children are going to visit their father this summer I might fly to NY for a few days to visit My parents and My cat and say good-bye. tell them how I feel and perhaps even write them letters to leave there with them instead of flowers.

My mom hated flowers she said they die and were a waste of money and such a disappointment to see something so beautiful wither away, I am thinking of giving My professor a white rose plant. (the mini indoor plant version) since white roses were her favorite. For some reason I feel that it would make Me feel better a sign of hope. Perhaps I will visit some of My family as well, I havent seen them since she took ill and have not spoken to them in 4 years at all since I entered into this life more formally instead of as a kink player.

I wont have to face it alone though as I have a friend who I think might go with Me to do it. Where I wont have to hide or be strong but just be...we shall see if I am able to do so..

_____________________________

be safe and smile
purrrs kitty
(=^.^=)
www.misskittys-scratchingpost.com

(in reply to maybemaybenot)
Profile   Post #: 20
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