When is it appropriate to advise that you are not into casual play? (Full Version)

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shyfem -> When is it appropriate to advise that you are not into casual play? (5/17/2006 8:42:30 PM)

I have a question, I try very early on to determine if the Dom I am speaking to is seeking something more than casual play. Now I am not looking to jump right into 24/7 with anyone, but I do not want a parade of Dom's in my life either.
The problem is I am starting to feel I may be going about it wrong. I don't want to "scare" away Dom's who may be commitment minded by sounding demanding.
*So at what point in conversation do you feel this to be appropriate?
*Also, any advice on how to broach this subject without sounding needy or demanding?

Looking forward to any and all advice.

shy [:)]



MstrssPassion -> RE: When is it appropriate to advise that you are not into casual play? (5/17/2006 8:50:13 PM)

I would suggest you just put it in your profile. If you are not into casual play why not be honest & upfront about it.

There are many dominants out there that are not into casual play.



LadyHugs -> RE: When is it appropriate to advise that you are not into casual play? (5/17/2006 8:58:20 PM)

Dear shyfem, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
May I offer some consideration in using the word of "selective" scenes.  You can word it the way it feels best to you however, using the word selective does not knock out casual and or LTR; but gives the reader knowledge you will go case by case.
 
Respectfully submitted,
Lady Hugs



juliaoceania -> RE: When is it appropriate to advise that you are not into casual play? (5/17/2006 10:31:48 PM)

I know this is Ask a Master forum, but I thought I would tell you what I have done. I have profiles on other BDSM sites other than CM, and I stated unequivocally I did not want anythign casual at all. I was only into BDSM in the confines of a LTR that could lead to marriage. I have a teenage son, I have goals, I have a life basically. I am also 38 and I do not want to waste my precious time on people that are not headed my direction. I used to be like you, not want to be overly demanding, but you know what, this is MY life and I have the right to want my personal relationships to meet my needs. I only get one of these things we call a life.

I am writing this because I wanted you to know I had far fewer "just playing" responses than before I changed my profile to be as direct as I possibly could make it. These men were educated, could spell, had a flair for words. In other words I had plenty of suitable suitors. I think this was because I was soooooo crystal clear in what I wanted and needed I got the responses that I desired. You have to say what you want in order to have a chance at getting it. In fact I have noticed that there are MANY doms not interested in casual play, and if I were you, those would be the only ones I would look at seriously. Just my two cents...



heartfeltsub -> RE: When is it appropriate to advise that you are not into casual play? (5/18/2006 4:50:07 AM)

There is also the issue for those who will play casually, but non-sexually (ie no intercourse) which i have found tends to sometimes elicit comments like "All BDSM play to me is sexual." To which i reply, then i guess i won't be playing casually with you.

Though there is a Dom that i play with that i am not seeking any long term relationship with, (so in my book it is casual), He is the only one that i am having sex with, but i play publically with many others just to get a idea of the different techniques and experiences that are out there.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: When is it appropriate to advise that you are not into casual play? (5/18/2006 6:12:49 AM)

When the other person brings up the idea of playing, you just say "I only play with someone if I'm involved with them serious, but there's a lot of kinks I enjoy."

Or, if you want to bring it up, just say "I like a lot of things, but never get into casual play."



OsideGirl -> RE: When is it appropriate to advise that you are not into casual play? (5/18/2006 7:41:23 AM)

Well, I always stated that I was looking for a relationship that could develope into a long term relationship.

I always made it perfectly clear:

When I met someone for coffee and drinks, I made it clear that's all it would be. This is when I decided if I wanted to go out on a date with him.

When I had a first date, I made it clear that there would be no sex or play and most likely wouldn't be for at least 5 or 6 dates.

This tended to get rid of the people that just wanted to get laid.



MrDiscipline44 -> RE: When is it appropriate to advise that you are not into casual play? (5/18/2006 8:10:02 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrssPassion

I would suggest you just put it in your profile. If you are not into casual play why not be honest & upfront about it.

There are many dominants out there that are not into casual play.

Best advise I've seen yet.



littleone35 -> RE: When is it appropriate to advise that you are not into casual play? (5/18/2006 8:49:17 AM)

I was also looking for an LTR and if someone said they were not looing for that i would just tell them then ther is no reason fo us to meet.  As to the first meeting to a pontital i agree with bobbi i do not play on the first meeting.  As a matter of fact my Master and i met 3 times before we played.  So just make it clear to anyone you are talking to that you want a LTR.



fastlane -> RE: When is it appropriate to advise that you are not into casual play? (5/18/2006 8:50:19 AM)

Fastlane crosses shyfem off of his list.....[:D]



shyfem -> RE: When is it appropriate to advise that you are not into casual play? (5/18/2006 9:57:53 AM)

Thank you all for your help, it seems being direct is the way to go. Like some have said BDSM activities without sex may be ok, however, being the sexual person I am this may not be for me [:D]

**LOL, Fastlane [;)]**



NastyDaddy -> RE: When is it appropriate to advise that you are not into casual play? (5/18/2006 1:24:37 PM)

Timing is crucial and there are bad times as well as worse, for example:

About the same time as when the street walker lady stops bobbing her head, looks up with her oh so sexy eyes and tells her john she also has a penis...

When you first meet... right after hello how ah ya... or perhaps just after what are you looking for...



DARKDES1RE -> RE: When is it appropriate to advise that you are not into casual play? (5/19/2006 7:16:00 PM)

This is something you need to address in your profile , letting Doms know your intentions right away. That way either of you have clear knowledge of the expectations both have.



slaverosebeauty -> RE: When is it appropriate to advise that you are not into casual play? (5/19/2006 8:52:53 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: shyfem
....
*So at what point in conversation do you feel this to be appropriate?
*Also, any advice on how to broach this subject without sounding needy or demanding?


From the getgo. Be upfront in your profile so that their is little if any reason for misunderstanding, be blunt if neccessary.Up until last night when I updated my profile :o)  it was always very to the point as to what I was looking for, friends or a Master.  I got more trollmail than I can shake a stick at, but if people would take the few moments to read it was to the point and upfront.

If you want to ease into 24/7 then say so, honesty is respected and valued. I dont' think being honest is being 'needy or demanding' its being honest. Casual relationships were NEVER my thing, I ONLY wanted 24/7 and soon, that's what I will have. Casual is fine if that's your thing, but if your ultimate goal is 24/7 don't compermise.




Wulfchyld -> RE: When is it appropriate to advise that you are not into casual play? (5/19/2006 8:59:08 PM)

[sm=applause.gif] slaverosebeuty very good.



littlemissub -> RE: When is it appropriate to advise that you are not into casual play? (5/19/2006 9:12:56 PM)

Good question to ask shyfem.  I have often wondered this question myself.  It is so hard to weed out the ones that want what you want and the ones that just want "fun".  but you gotta ask to find out.



shyfem -> RE: When is it appropriate to advise that you are not into casual play? (5/19/2006 9:18:36 PM)

I appreciate everyone's replies and have updated my profile.

*Now if only they would read it [;)]

~shy



Phoenixandnika -> RE: When is it appropriate to advise that you are not into casual play? (5/19/2006 9:30:07 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: shyfem

I appreciate everyone's replies and have updated my profile.

*Now if only they would read it [;)]

~shy


shy,
That in itself may be a challenge.
Getting them to read it and respect it.
If they don't read or respect it the block button does wonders.







Slipstreme -> RE: When is it appropriate to advise that you are not into casual play? (5/19/2006 10:28:02 PM)

Let him know up front about it. It is the best way to keep him from imploring further. If he won't wait until you two are well on the path of being together, then he isn't the Dom for you. You must both be ready to make the next step to sceneing, be sure to let him know that. Good luck.

(Nilla advice can go a long way. If you aren't comfortable, let him know. Honesty is your best policy.)



bridget2 -> RE: When is it appropriate to advise that you are not into casual play? (5/21/2006 4:58:34 AM)

agrees with letting them know up front...many doms/dommes are seeking LTR and require the affections and committments that go with them[:)]



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