Suggestions?

Join Our Community

Collarchat.com

Home Login Search

Suggestions?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> Suggestions?

Page: [1]

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Suggestions? - 7/23/2011 5:46:26 AM

chesterfieldmale

Posts: 12
Joined: 5/2/2011
Status: offline

Hi!

I've been on here for quite a while and am not getting many responses. The ones I do get end up as dead ends. I am at a point in my life where I really need a lady to share it with me. I'm a "cut to the chase" person who is terrible at small talk. I'm also in a position where I can't host and despite having been interested in bondage since I was a teen have had no luck gaining much experience.

Any suggestions?

RE: Suggestions? - 7/23/2011 6:14:20 AM

Posts: 85
Joined: 11/28/2010
Status: offline

quote:

I'm a "cut to the chase" person who is terrible at small talk.

Pardon my bluntness in saying so, but your profile is filled with small talk.
You want a fetish lady....no..... I couldnt really tell what you really wanted.
Now this is just my opinion...but consider it.

(in reply to chesterfieldmale)

RE: Suggestions? - 7/23/2011 6:15:55 AM

Posts: 699
Joined: 7/23/2011
Status: offline

My relatively limited online experience tells me that subs are really, really big on smalltalk on the web. They feel like they're in a sellers market because they're drowned with wankers, and they also feel like the situation is risky because people have been taught throughout the internet age that you shouldn't trust people on the web with so much as your last name. Now they're expected to let someone come and bind and flog them? It's a problem.

Their response, as I measure it, is to inundate the situation with small talk in order to get to know the person on the other end AS a person as well as they possibly can in order to build trust. It's not a strictly unreasonable approach to reality as they view it - if you get to know someone in every way *but* kink you have a better chance of realizing they're a sexual predator or whatever. In person there is far less of that, though naturally a relationship is very much about communication, which means talking about things which don't affect your prick. Certainly it's pretty rare to have a BDSM encounter come after 5 minutes of interaction with a stranger (though it does happen), but there's less inherent mistrust in the situation. It's not really rational, but it is the facts of it.

What this means for you is, you need to develop the patience and skills necessary to partake of that process if you're going to do this online. If you'd rather maintain your 'cut to the chase' thing, you may be wiser to seek in person, whether through traditional vanilla dating that you turn to BDSM or through your local community.

EDIT: Also, as mysouldesire noted, your profile is long as fuck. I mean, I'm debating shortening mine, and mine would look small as a footnote to yours. A maxim of sales states, 'Concision is a virtue.'

< Message edited by Epytropos -- 7/23/2011 6:18:11 AM >

_____________________________

They're only words. Don't dwell on them. They never mean what you think.

I speak only of My Way. Think it not an indictment of Your Way.

(in reply to chesterfieldmale)

RE: Suggestions? - 7/23/2011 6:23:53 AM

poise

Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline

You may get a better response rate by meeting people in person.
Try searching this link for events/meets in your area that you can involve yourself in.
Best of luck!

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to chesterfieldmale)

RE: Suggestions? - 7/23/2011 6:30:56 AM

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Lots of suggestions.

1. You say you cannot host. Never say that without explaining - it sounds like you're married.
2. "Quite a while" = two and a half months. Get patient.

The main issues with your profile are lots of words that say nothing, and excessive and-or-not logic. On to your profile:

3. Eliminate the first paragraph. Sounds like a wanker fantasy.
4. The second, Gumby, paragraph is cute. I like it.
5. The third and fourth paragraphs to me just dilute the profile. They really don't say much.
6. I like the standalone Hi! It grabs attention and is cheerful.
7. The next two paragraphs, again, say little and dilute.
8. Your list of interests is 90% kink and doesn't give much of a feel for you as a person. However, the travel, volunteerism, and beachcombing sound intriguing. Write about them on your profile and it will be MUCH more interesting.
9. The following passage: "An interest in selfbondage is a plus but not a requirement. Those interested in a serious D/s relationship are welcome as are those who see BDSM as one of many fun activities 2 adults can share. If you want to sub 24/7, that's an option I am open to, but I'm also interested in someone who wants to be a friend and equal part of the time and sub part of the time. How much you are equal and how much sub is very much open to discussion." really doesn't say anything. Get rid of statements like that.
10. Your third limit shocked me. I read first No sex. Then I read except maybe you doing oral on me. Finally I read Until we have a long term commitment. The first parts of the sentence were read first and made an impression. I would rewrite as I want a longterm commitment. Until we have that, I'd prefer to go slow with sex.
11. Replace the last paragraph with "I'm looking for a sub woman but could be open to occasional switching."
12. Your 7/22 journal entry raised red flags. If you're online only, why does race matter? It sounds like "chat" means cybering - that conflicts with what your profile said. And why Caucasian only - if it's just conversation, that should not make a difference. Also, your sentence construction is by exception, not stating what you do want. Hard to understand.
13. Your 7/11 journal entry specifies the conditions under which you want subs to contact you. It just feels wrong to me.
14. Your 7/1 entry is whining. Delete it.
15. Your 6/21 entry is too hard for me to read. It sounds like a nested if statement, with a not or two thrown in. What's the point? Are you getting so many messages from out of state Doms that you need to say that?
16. You say that you;re open to meeting Dommes and Dom men. Are you bi? Your profile gives the impression of being a straight Dom man, and then fuzzes up the picture a bit.

Here's what I'd recommend.

Hi!

I'm a straight Dom man looking for a sub or switch woman. I'm a committed Christian and would prefer the same in you. I'd like to spend time with a woman going out to dinner, doing volunteer activities together, and possibly travel a few times a year.

I'm into bondage especially, although I'm still new to it. Wanna learn with me?

Note: to me, the relationship is more important than the kink. So let's spend the time to get to know each other before the toy box gets opened. That said, I am open to simple play meetings but would prefer a full relationship.

--------------

Also, explain your situation - never married, divorced, widowed. Do you have kids at home or on their own?

Welcome to collarme!

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to poise)

RE: Suggestions? - 7/23/2011 6:36:21 AM

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

I'm going to be blunt, OP.

From the sub/slave perspective, if I was looking and got a message from you, I wouldn't reply.

The reason is, your profile looks like a wanker's fantasy. It's all about the sex and the play, and very little about the man. I'm not looking for a life support machine for a fantasy. I'm looking for a man I can laugh with, cry with, talk with, shop with, and all that other everyday stuff.

Play is fun, but it's not the be-all and and end-all. Try advertising yourself as a man, not a kink. That way you might have a little more luck.

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to DarkSteven)

RE: Suggestions? - 7/23/2011 6:54:05 AM

Posts: 2237
Joined: 6/19/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: myotherself

I'm going to be blunt, OP.

From the sub/slave perspective, if I was looking and got a message from you, I wouldn't reply.

The reason is, your profile looks like a wanker's fantasy. It's all about the sex and the play, and very little about the man. I'm not looking for a life support machine for a fantasy. I'm looking for a man I can laugh with, cry with, talk with, shop with, and all that other everyday stuff.

Play is fun, but it's not the be-all and and end-all. Try advertising yourself as a man, not a kink. That way you might have a little more luck.

This. ^^

(in reply to myotherself)

RE: Suggestions? - 7/23/2011 6:57:17 AM

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

The profile is all sex/play focused. First you demand someone local, then you say you're willing to relocate. Confusing.

You're 56 and you have no friends? Because if you know how to make friends, that's what's important. You ask the other person about how their day went and listen to their answer, not just use the time to prepare your next comment. If you can't do this, go learn how. And yes, it's a teachable skill.

In the meantime, go join your local community. Take classes and workshops in the things that appeal to you. Don't wait to learn how to tie someone safely by learning on them and harming them in the process. Gain confidence in your skills by learning ahead of time and practicing ties on chair legs at home.

And date. When you like a person you're dating and know you would enjoy taking it farther, that's when you open the conversation about what kind of relationship you would like and how you enjoy sex. My rule of thumb is that if you aren't capable of talking about it matter of factly, then you shouldn't be doing it.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to myotherself)

RE: Suggestions? - 7/23/2011 6:58:36 AM

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Well, he's made some changes in his profile. Let's see how many, and if he returns here.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to DesFIP)

RE: Suggestions? - 7/23/2011 7:13:05 AM

chesterfieldmale

Posts: 12
Joined: 5/2/2011
Status: offline

Thanks for the feedback, especially to Dark Steven. (I'm going to use your recommendation pretty much word-for-word.) That is exactly the kind of feedback I need. I'm working on implementing the changes and will be doing so for a while.

Regards!

(in reply to DarkSteven)

RE: Suggestions? - 7/23/2011 7:22:47 AM

Posts: 85
Joined: 11/28/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: chesterfieldmale

Thanks for the feedback, especially to Dark Steven. (I'm going to use your recommendation pretty much word-for-word.) That is exactly the kind of feedback I need. I'm working on implementing the changes and will be doing so for a while.

Regards!

And I'd mention...don't be blunt and tactless in chat/email with anyone.... be polite and respectful...... you'll get a woman (if that is what you seek) who responds better

(in reply to chesterfieldmale)

RE: Suggestions? - 7/23/2011 7:42:10 AM

chesterfieldmale

Posts: 12
Joined: 5/2/2011
Status: offline

PS. The "Notify me by email" does not seem to be working for me, but I WILL be back here as often as possible. Thanks to all so far and in advance to those who follow.

(in reply to mysouldesire)

RE: Suggestions? - 7/23/2011 7:48:41 AM

Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline

you've rewritten your profile and it does seem more "this is who i am" rather than "this is what i want to do," which is good. i didn't see the first incarnation but what you have sounds good.
one thing i might add is that you have a section about how any designator for a dynamic would work for you, and you list some off. the only possible problem there is that it seems more like you're focusing on the roles in a role-playing sort of way. you may not be, your profile is all about flexibility, so you're showing that you aren't super-rigid on the "type" of relationship, but there might be a better way to word that. you could say "I'm interested in a wide variety of dynamics, such as..." and then list them.

anyway, good luck -- like the others have said, no matter what, you still need to develop the patience to talk to people, and sometimes getting out and meeting them in person gives you better results. when you meet someone in person, they can get a sense of your energy, your body language, who you are in the real world, and it's easier to hold someone's focus.

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica

(in reply to mysouldesire)

RE: Suggestions? - 7/23/2011 8:40:22 AM

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

It's getting better. A lot better.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

RE: Suggestions? - 7/23/2011 12:42:17 PM

Posts: 2237
Joined: 6/19/2011
Status: offline

LOL odd I just got a cmail from a Dom in which he listed all of the bdsm things he is into. Like I can't see that from his profile. And his profile is all bdsm-related. Now, normally, I would just ignore such an email, because I am not looking for just a play partner; but i'm not busy right now, so I told him how I felt. And he came back two cmails, first he said "I'm not into bdsm, this is my life", as if kink is the only thing in his life, which would be sad. Then he said "I think it is six of one, half a dozen of another..." Some people you just can't educate.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

RE: Suggestions? - 7/23/2011 6:35:17 PM

chesterfieldmale

Posts: 12
Joined: 5/2/2011
Status: offline

Interesting technical note: I received an email notice of a posted reply about 12 hours after the post. Talk about slow!!!!

(in reply to erieangel)

Page: [1]

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> Suggestions?

Page: [1]

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2024

Terms of Service

0.086