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D/s searches by subs - 10/15/2004 11:04:41 AM

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Joined: 10/8/2004
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Greetings. Having been realtime in this chosen lifestyle for 20 years, having checked out several sites in the years, having chatted in both open and closed IM with O/others. there are one or two questions that never seem to get answered:
1-why don't more submissives/slaves(having been in the lifestyle 20 years I believe they are the same. Difference decided by default in "socially correct" cyber world)reach out to Dominants?(Remember: It is not just Us that feel that way)

2-why do so many in the sites not give their profiles more consideration, as in being serious and to the point, shortening their profiles as to what is really important to them and what they seek?

RE: D/s searches by subs - 10/15/2004 11:21:26 AM

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Joined: 6/25/2004
From: Massachusetts
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1. .. i don't know as it doesn't apply to me. It's never been an issue for me.
2. .. i can't answer this one either, as it doesn't apply to mine.

Perhaps you could start a thread on the query under the General BDSM or the Submssives/Slaves section? You may get a better response there.

Regardless, Hello & welcome to the collarme forums 2foryou2serve !

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(in reply to 2foryou2serve)

RE: D/s searches by subs - 10/15/2004 11:59:58 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: 2foryou2serve

2-why do so many in the sites not give their profiles more consideration, as in being serious and to the point, shortening their profiles as to what is really important to them and what they seek?

Because we have personalities?

(in reply to 2foryou2serve)

RE: D/s searches by subs - 10/15/2004 12:17:30 PM

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Joined: 7/25/2004
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Hi and welcome to the forums at CM!

You may want to repost your question to the other forums where it will get much more opinion and discussion.

So jump on into the forums, the water is fine.

I would say though in answer, not everyone waxes poetic or cares to. some are lazy, and some do not feel comfortable conacting others or have been trained to wait until spoken to.

and also as someone said, we are individuals who want to share parts of ourselves not just the scene activites we are into.

_____________________________

Roe

People always ask me why I do these things . . .
It's because I can!

(in reply to 2foryou2serve)

RE: D/s searches by subs - 10/15/2004 3:15:54 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: 2foryou2serve
why don't more submissives/slaves reach out to Dominants?

Well, it's hard to be sure, since your profile seems to be inaccessible at the moment, but if you're looking for a female, I could hazard a couple of guesses:

1) Men outnumber women here by around 7:1, so most of the available women already have plenty of people mailing them. Half of the unavailable ones, too!
2) If you look over profiles of couples, you will notice that a whole lot (most?) of them are looking for female subs. If you look over the profiles of female subs, you will notice that few of them are looking for couples, and many specifically exclude anything other than monogamy. (My personal favorites are the ones who want a guy all to themselves, but who also want to be shared.)

Put (1) and (2) together, and you get at least 20 seeking couples for every matching female sub.

(in reply to 2foryou2serve)

RE: D/s searches by subs - 10/16/2004 7:20:14 AM

Posts: 315
Joined: 1/16/2004
From: Brisbane, Australia
Status: offline

I will write to dominants who fit my criteria, and seem interesting. I won't write to anyone who doesn't fill out their profile, and will limit the people I contact to those who live in my general area (south east Queensland). I'm fishing from a very small pool, so I don't approach too many on here.

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(in reply to 2foryou2serve)

RE: D/s searches by subs - 10/16/2004 7:55:34 AM

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Joined: 7/12/2004
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I have and do contact Doms when i see one in which i could be interested in. i don't have a problem sending a e-mail to a Dom which catches my eye and even if nothing serious comes out of it usually always make a good friend.

i have to admit i think my profile needs work and could say a lot more. My life has been very busy and i am not actively looking for a Dom right now, if i happen to email or get an email from one that i fall madly in love with then GREAT! i think most do searches with pictures only and when i had a pic up and a nice long profile on wants/ desires and such i got annoyed at all the trolls i would receive e-mails from and had to weed though to get to a half way true sounding Dom.

Guess W/we all have O/our reasons for what W/we do. If Y/you like a submissive who took the time to fill out her profile totally and really pour herself into it then i think Y/you should look for just that and skip over these others because they are not who Y/you are looking for. W/we all are looking for something different and go about different ways on really finding it. It takes time and isn’t a easy task as others have said Y/your fishing from a Big pond with not very many fish in it. Don't get discouraged because once Y/you find what Y/you’re looking for it will be worth the wait!

JMO

Good luck to Y/you

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(in reply to 2foryou2serve)

RE: D/s searches by subs - 10/16/2004 9:28:05 PM

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Joined: 5/10/2004
From: New Castle, PA
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quote:

1-why don't more submissives/slaves(having been in the lifestyle 20 years I believe they are the same. Difference decided by default in "socially correct" cyber world)reach out to Dominants?(Remember: It is not just Us that feel that way)

some subs/slaves feel it is not their place to 'reach out' - that it would be a violation of their 'submissiveness' to be the one initiating contact

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(in reply to 2foryou2serve)

RE: D/s searches by subs - 10/17/2004 10:44:22 AM

Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline

quote:

some subs/slaves feel it is not their place to 'reach out' - that it would be a violation of their 'submissiveness' to be the one initiating contact

M. Thanatosian-

That's always a problem for me- The first thing I want- nay- need in a submissive is the ability to know and express their needs. She has to able to take responsibility for her desires before I can take responsibility for fufilling them.

I'll certainly intitate contact, make the first moves, open the door, whatever, but I usually balk at invoking the dynamic without a clear statement from her that that''s where she wants to go- Otherwise I feel a bit predatory about the whole thing.

Stay warm,
Lawrence

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(in reply to Thanatosian)

RE: D/s searches by subs - 10/17/2004 11:01:06 AM

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Joined: 1/11/2004
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Most every submissive and slave I know has no problem speaking to a dominant. The majority are not looking for poly though, so they don't approach couples, marrieds, etc.

Then there is the line "1-why don't more submissives/slaves(having been in the lifestyle 20 years I believe they are the same."

Someone new, reading that line could easily be intimidated or put off by that line if it is the first impression they have. *You* consider them the same, which *could* sound like *all are slave in time* which would discard those who feel they are submissive but never would be a slave, or make them feel that in time you plan on *turning* a submissive into a slave. Since a lot believe that the main difference between a submissive and a slave is that the submissive retains the right to change what they are willing to do and a slave gives consent once, that perhaps eventually you won't honor someones wishes.

I don't know you, and am not trying to imply you don't/won't respect someones limits, but it is something easily read into what I see. It's one of the biggest problems of online. Though everyone *sees* the same words, without tone, facial expressions, and body language, it is up to *them* to interpret things they way *they* hear them....

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Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive anyway...

(in reply to topcat)

RE: D/s searches by subs - 10/17/2004 11:03:39 AM

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Joined: 7/25/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: topcat

That's always a problem for me- The first thing I want- nay- need in a submissive is the ability to know and express their needs. She has to able to take responsibility for her desires before I can take responsibility for fufilling them.

I'll certainly intitate contact, make the first moves, open the door, whatever, but I usually balk at invoking the dynamic without a clear statement from her that that''s where she wants to go- Otherwise I feel a bit predatory about the whole thing.

Stay warm,
Lawrence

Hi Lawrence

Well as a woman who knows what she wants and needs and yet, wants to go for it still very hard for many of us to make the first approach. For me personally the fear of rejection is on my mind when you do not know if the other party is even interested in you. And it makes it especially difficult when the dom is someone who is intellectually imposing (and for me) clearly more cerebral than i am accustomed to. Even though that sort of person is one who i would hold in high esteem, it is still very unnerving and makes me feel as if i could not offer them enough.

Just my thoughts on this.

Roe

_____________________________

Roe

People always ask me why I do these things . . .
It's because I can!

(in reply to topcat)

RE: D/s searches by subs - 10/17/2004 5:59:51 PM

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Joined: 7/10/2004
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Regarding Q1) many submissives often exhibit those traits in real life as well. While a Dominant, more aggressive type has no problem confronting someone with their thoughts or going out on a limb to send a note to someone that requires a part in the chemical reaction of the psyche that quite a few in the submissive range do not have.

On that note though, I am the type who desires someone who is actively and aggressively willing to devote. Sort of a catch 22 at times, but regardless it is what I myself look for and I'm not the type to just settle for less.

I will say I get quite a few emails though, very few of which are really looking for anything at all similar to what I am all about...but they get a friendly thanks but no thanks and I'm on my way.

Regarding Q2) that again is all about personality...and to that point what is a well thought out profile to me may not be one to you and vice versa. So that is all down to taste and quite honestly the ammount of thought that went into the process. If someones profile consists of "Hi, I'm a submissive" and that is all...then it's a good 99% chance that it's getting skipped over without a second thought. And that is just down to your own personal weeding system to make your way through the masses of irrelvant profiles to what you yourself are looking for.

(in reply to theroebabe)

RE: D/s searches by subs - 10/18/2004 12:09:54 AM

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Joined: 6/6/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: topcat

That's always a problem for me- The first thing I want- nay- need in a submissive is the ability to know and express their needs. She has to able to take responsibility for her desires before I can take responsibility for fufilling them.

Meeting Topcat was an interesting experience for me. I initiated contact, offered to fly cross country to meet him, and then had to nudge him to go to Paddles once I arrived. He responded with "well, you know, I usually make women petition me to play..." (he was teasing me). He's not kidding when he says you need to be very clear about what you want before he will take control.

But trust me, once he gets the message, he takes his job seriously :-)

--bailey

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(in reply to topcat)

RE: D/s searches by subs - 10/19/2004 9:12:33 AM

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Joined: 4/26/2004
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I personally think there is a gender differentiation, although I have not done a thorough study of it.

It takes a lot to interest me in a person, and perhaps I hold myself to impossibly high standards, but I have very seldom been contacted by submissives. I have done the internet trolling for submissives various times in the past with little success. This is why
I logged off and went dancing.

Female Dominants I have spoken to about it claim that they are trolled constantly by male submissives.

It could be a male/female distinction rather than a Dominant/submissive distinction.

Just me, could be wrong, but there you go.

Sinergy

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(in reply to baileythorne)

RE: D/s searches by subs - 10/19/2004 12:33:33 PM

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Joined: 7/10/2004
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I'd believe that as well. Maybe someone should do a study.

(in reply to Sinergy)

RE: D/s searches by subs - 10/19/2004 1:49:17 PM

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Joined: 10/14/2004
From: I'm English but I live in the Netherlands
Status: offline

1/ Mmmm... I think that the Dominant is invariably cast in the role of, errrr... Dominant. [;-)]

It's a bit like lions and zebra. The lions go in searc of prey. The zebra don't go in search of predators, (unless they've had a bit too much to drink).

Obviously submissives desire dominantion; zebra et. al. don't desire predation. But the predatory dynamic is there.

I've also felt, before clubbing, (i.e. online) that you were more likely to have far more male doms than female submissives, as men being men they will try anything to have sex; I'm sure we've all encountered those to whom 'dom' is a label they take as they think it means they'll get laid easy. Female sumissives (I'm of course talking het Maledom/Femalesub; other groupings have different ratios) are in this context going to be in short supply.

In clubs, I was surprised by the number of unattached female subs, but I've rather limited clubing experience. However, as the club I've attended has just been shut down by City Hall (in Amsterdam! A Kinky night being shut down in Amsterdam because some old biddy who lived upstairs complaining about "sex orgies"), I'm, gonna have to broaden my horizons soon.

2/ Because some people aren't there to 'meet people', but just to have a chat. Because they can't be arsed? They haven't got round to it yet? Profiles, you can have a Profile?! Because they don't know what to say? Choose! [8-)]

(in reply to 2foryou2serve)

RE: D/s searches by subs - 10/19/2004 7:19:08 PM

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Joined: 2/8/2004
Status: offline

I don't know what others have said, but I am one who doesn't normally approach Dominants because I am I guess old fashioned in that way. I would like a man to approach me if he is interested.

Also, I have enough trouble being seen as submissive without being aggressive enough to approach a Dom first.. lol.

asensualpet

(in reply to 2foryou2serve)

RE: D/s searches by subs - 11/4/2004 12:50:54 AM

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Joined: 6/22/2004
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I haven't noticed this problem.

quote:

ORIGINAL: 2foryou2serve
1-why don't more submissives/slaves(having been in the lifestyle 20 years I believe they are the same. Difference decided by default in "socially correct" cyber world)reach out to Dominants?(Remember: It is not just Us that feel that way)

(in reply to 2foryou2serve)

RE: D/s searches by subs - 11/4/2004 7:50:08 AM

Posts: 1101
Joined: 2/23/2004
From: CA
Status: offline

quote:

Well as a woman who knows what she wants and needs and yet, wants to go for it still very hard for many of us to make the first approach. For me personally the fear of rejection is on my mind when you do not know if the other party is even interested in you. And it makes it especially difficult when the dom is someone who is intellectually imposing (and for me) clearly more cerebral than i am accustomed to. Even though that sort of person is one who i would hold in high esteem, it is still very unnerving and makes me feel as if i could not offer them enough.

Just my thoughts on this.

Roe

I have to agree with Roe. And I couldn't have said it better, so I won't even try.

Great thoughts Roe!

Take care,

Attachment (1)

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(in reply to theroebabe)

RE: D/s searches by subs - 11/5/2004 12:06:11 PM

Posts: 35
Joined: 7/20/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: 2foryou2serve

Greetings. Having been realtime in this chosen lifestyle for 20 years, having checked out several sites in the years, having chatted in both open and closed IM with O/others. there are one or two questions that never seem to get answered:
1-why don't more submissives/slaves(having been in the lifestyle 20 years I believe they are the same. Difference decided by default in "socially correct" cyber world)reach out to Dominants?(Remember: It is not just Us that feel that way)

2-why do so many in the sites not give their profiles more consideration, as in being serious and to the point, shortening their profiles as to what is really important to them and what they seek?

Q1/ Rejection, fear, nervousness, just plain old fashion view that the dom should be the one who does the intiating(or preying, stalking,hunting

).
I really liked the comparison to lions and zebras.

Q2/ What if you have no clue what it is you want or crave? What if its everything? For those who are newer at this lifestyle the enormity of it all is astounding, and to some a bit scary. It's hard to coose when you havent tried it all.....
but that's just my thoughts..others might have a different take on it.

(in reply to 2foryou2serve)

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