Collarchat.com

Join Our Community		 Collarchat.com

Home  Login  Search 

Would love feedback on a story, scene, that i wrote today.


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> Would love feedback on a story, scene, that i wrote today. Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Would love feedback on a story, scene, that i wrote today. - 8/23/2011 1:04:40 PM   
submichael65


Posts: 3
Joined: 2/18/2011
Status: offline 		Below is my first journal entry and i would be honored to hear what the Ladies, or anyone else i guess, think of it. Thank you. michael

You're laying back on Your bed with that cute yellow top on that i love and nothing else. Legs are spread, hands are up above you're head and that killer smile is mesmerizing me as usual. You order me to stand at the end of the bed and to slowly strip. i do as i'm told, my cock rising quickly. You nod to the long shoestring on the bed and You watch me and giggle at me as i tie my C&Bs up. The nipple clamps go on next, ouch and YES! You spread Your legs just a little bit more and i know what i am to do next. i bend over and lick Your toes, the bottom of Your sexy feet, Your ankles, Your calves. i crawl up on the bed and lick the back of Your knees, Your inner thighs. I look at Your essence from close-up, admire it, worship it with my eyes, smell how clean and delicious it is. It's time. i lick a circle around it, blow on it lightly, You moan just a little. My tongue starts at Your perfect ass and licks right up over Your pussy. i go back down all the way. my tongue gets just a little deeper each time i lick You from Your ass to above Your clit. It starts to open. i come off just a little to admire Your perfect pussy opening for me. my fingers pull it apart more and dive into You tongue first. i'm in You deep licking up and down. My god You're delicious, i swallow Your wetness. Yes! Yum! Your hands grab the back of my head and shove me into You deeper. my nose tickles Your clit while i lick Your insides. So soft, so wet, i want to crawl up inside You to show You how lucky i am to be allowed to service You, to bring You the pleasure that You crave and deserve. i lick up to Your now throbbing clit, i lick around it, flick it. As i go down on it like a whore sucking a cock, my fingers slip inside you. i move them around to get as much of Your juice on them as i can and suck them quickly. They go back inside You as i continue to blow Your nub. Up and down, up and down i go on Your clit while my fingers massage Your G-spot. i switch to my thumb rubbing the top of Your vagina and my middle finger slips easily into Your other hole that is soaked with Your pussy juice. With my middle finger pumping Your asshole and my thumb pumping Your pussy i continue to bob up and down on Your big clit. You're getting close. Your hips start to come all the way off the bed as You meet my hand and my mouth that are now all perfectly in unison. my free hand reaches up to pinch one of Your rock hard nipples. You cry out. We don't slow down. You're cumming, loudly gushing. Your fluid is all over my face and my hand. i expect You to push me away because it's too much for You. You don't. i keep going. You cum again even longer and more intensely than the first time. Wow. You finally push me away and order me to lick You clean, gently, very gently. You're too sensitive to have my tongue on Your pussy right now so You order me to just clean Your ass. i do so lovingly. You order me to next lick up the huge wet spot that You left. i do my best to lick the sheets clean. You laugh. You tell me to kneel on the end of the bed in front of You and i know what i'm to do now for You. Jerk off for You? No chance, You won't let me do that yet. I move my finger over the opening on my cock and get some precum on it and lick it, swallow it. i squeeze the underside of my cock to bring more precum out, i put it on my finger and lick it and swallow it for You. One last time You say, i get the remaining precum out, that big glob that comes out as i start to go soft, i eat it.

You tell me to go get You a glass of wine for while You shower and to make You dinner. Oh, one last thing, slut, You say. No, three last things. Nothing to drink, you say, so that i continue to taste myself and no washing my face so that i continue to feel You on me . Also, stay naked with your C&Bs tied up and those clamps on your nipples. You warn me that You may be having company later so stay prepared and You slap me on the ass as You head off to the shower. 
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Would love feedback on a story, scene, that i wrote... - 8/23/2011 1:10:22 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		what IS it with all the crossposting lately?

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to submichael65)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Would love feedback on a story, scene, that i wrote... - 8/23/2011 1:15:10 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		They have a creative writing section for this kind of thing.  Perhaps a Mod will be good enough to move it there.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Would love feedback on a story, scene, that i wrote... - 8/23/2011 1:15:26 PM   
peppermint


Posts: 5159
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline 		They want to make certain that no one can possibly miss their posts.

Micheal, stories belong in the creative writing section or just leave it in your journal. Crossposting to more than one forum is against the TOS (terms of service) you were supposed to read and you agreed to follow when you joined the site.

I didn't read your story. A story without paragraphs is just too difficult to read. Divide it up where it should be divided. That will make it more reader friendly.

(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Would love feedback on a story, scene, that i wrote... - 8/23/2011 1:43:29 PM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline 		I read it, don't bother. It sucks. Seriously sucks.


_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran


(in reply to peppermint)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Would love feedback on a story, scene, that i wrote... - 8/23/2011 1:53:14 PM   
Iamsemisweet


Posts: 3651
Joined: 4/9/2011
From: The Great Northwest, USA
Status: offline 		Is there anything worse than amateur porn?

_____________________________

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

(in reply to Arpig)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Would love feedback on a story, scene, that i wrote... - 8/23/2011 1:56:23 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: submichael65
Below is my first journal entry and i would be honored to hear what the Ladies, or anyone else i guess, think of it. Thank you. michael


Don't quit your day job.

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to submichael65)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Would love feedback on a story, scene, that i wrote... - 8/23/2011 1:57:05 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet

Is there anything worse than amateur porn?


Yes... someone actually doing that to you.


_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to Iamsemisweet)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Would love feedback on a story, scene, that i wrote... - 8/23/2011 2:13:35 PM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline 		Trite, lacks sympathetic characters or believable motivation, numerous formating, grammatical and punctuation errors, description of characters and setting is nowhere to be found, and there's no conflict to create dramatic tension.
 
That was just the first five lines.
 
As has already been stated, it's amateurish and it sucks.  The only thing worse than amateur porn is bad amateur porn.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl
"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Would love feedback on a story, scene, that i wrote... - 8/23/2011 2:28:02 PM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan
 numerous formating, grammatical and punctuation errors


That would be 'formatting'.  Sorry Sylvere, couldn't resist.  ;-)

If it helps, I used to misspell 'misspell', instead writing it as 'mis-spell', and was forever picking people up on their 'mis-spellings'. 

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com


(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Would love feedback on a story, scene, that i wrote... - 8/23/2011 2:32:39 PM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline 		Thanks, Peon.  The keyboard on my laptop is wearing out so it doesn't always print the letters I type.  *grumble*  Apparently, I'm going to have to step up my proofreading until I can replace it.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl
"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to PeonForHer)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Would love feedback on a story, scene, that i wrote... - 8/23/2011 2:40:50 PM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		Please tell me you've never done the classic typo and written 'poofreading'.  That's the worst howler of all here in the UK.

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com


(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Would love feedback on a story, scene, that i wrote... - 8/23/2011 2:41:43 PM   
peppermint


Posts: 5159
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

I read it, don't bother. It sucks. Seriously sucks.



I'll take your word for it, Arpig.  Why people feel the need to call attention to their lack of writing ability is beyond me. 

(in reply to Arpig)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Would love feedback on a story, scene, that i wrote... - 8/23/2011 2:45:04 PM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline 		Not yet, thankfully.  Though now I probably will because it's going to be in the back of my mind. 

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl
"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to PeonForHer)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Would love feedback on a story, scene, that i wrote... - 8/23/2011 3:04:16 PM   
stoni23


Posts: 178
Joined: 1/14/2010
Status: offline 		waste of 2 minutes.... i will never get those 2 minutes back

_____________________________

Aren't we all just a little bit fake and a lot real?

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Would love feedback on a story, scene, that i wrote... - 8/23/2011 3:18:07 PM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		Submichael,

I'll cut the cutting comments, because I think that they've been done enough.

Yes, break the whole up into paragraphs, because it's *very* difficult to read what people call a 'wall of text'. 

Beyond that, I think the thing to do is wrench the mind so that you can actually imagine how *both parties* in the story feel.  That's the most difficult thing of all - I'd find that hard, myself.  If you're a submissive, and a male, then it's extremely hard to imagine how a dominant, and a female, feels.  No doubt the reverse is true, too.

And I think that some detail works, but not a lot of it.  In a sketch - a simple drawing - you can convey a feeling and a mood very easily, with just a few lines.  I think the same can be done with writing.  That way, the reader is free to imagine what he or she wants to imagine.  For instance, don't mention his or her hair-colour - that way  the reader can 'see' the hair-colour of his/her choice. 

And when you do details, add some tiny little thing, that may not even seem relevant.  Like: a clock on the mantelpiece.  It just helps things seem more real.

Good luck.  And remember: the wavelength of writing is quite different to the wavelength of actually publishing.  You can - and must - get lost in your own world when you write.  But when you publish, as you have here, you have to prepare for a lot of harshness.  William Golding got it with 'Lord of the Flies', though he eventually won the Nobel Prize; J K Rowling got trashed by lots of editors.  You have to be imaginative, and sensitive, to write.  But you also need a major brick wall around you of 'Fuck them', when it comes to publishing.

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com


(in reply to submichael65)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Would love feedback on a story, scene, that i wrote... - 8/23/2011 4:26:05 PM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

And I think that some detail works, but not a lot of it.  In a sketch - a simple drawing - you can convey a feeling and a mood very easily, with just a few lines.  I think the same can be done with writing.  That way, the reader is free to imagine what he or she wants to imagine.  For instance, don't mention his or her hair-colour - that way  the reader can 'see' the hair-colour of his/her choice. 

And when you do details, add some tiny little thing, that may not even seem relevant.  Like: a clock on the mantelpiece.  It just helps things seem more real.


I have to disagree with this.  It may seem counter-intuitive, but the more details you give, the more real your scene will be for the reader.  The goal is to be specific, but not overload the reader.  If I write "a car went by" that doesn't set a scene.  It's vague and relies on the reader to supply the details.  However, readers don't like this.  They want to be put into the scene through active verbs and sensory details beyond sight.  If I write "a rusty yellow Pinto chugged down the street enveloped in a cloud of acrid fumes" it's much more evocative. 
 
Likewise, if I were to rewrite the opening line of this vignette as "She lounged on the bed, wearing nothing but his favorite butter-yellow camisole.  The color brought out the warm undertones of her skin and highlighted the golden flecks in her hazel eyes" it sets the scene and gives an idea of what the woman looks like without going overboard.  Also, never include irrelevant details because you'll lose track of them and create inconsistencies in the story.  If there's a clock on the wall at the opening, it should be important to the story or you should come back to it again later as a wrap up.  For example, the scene that seems to go on forever might only last thirty minutes.  The clock is a tangible element that grounds the reader in the scene.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl
"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to PeonForHer)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Would love feedback on a story, scene, that i wrote... - 8/23/2011 4:28:55 PM   
Iamsemisweet


Posts: 3651
Joined: 4/9/2011
From: The Great Northwest, USA
Status: offline 		LOL, good to know. 

quote:




Yes... someone actually doing that to you.
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

quote:

ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet

Is there anything worse than amateur porn?


Yes... someone actually doing that to you.



_____________________________

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Would love feedback on a story, scene, that i wrote... - 8/23/2011 4:41:27 PM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

I have to disagree with this.  It may seem counter-intuitive, but the more details you give, the more real your scene will be for the reader.  The goal is to be specific, but not overload the reader.  If I write "a car went by" that doesn't set a scene.  It's vague and relies on the reader to supply the details.  However, readers don't like this.  They want to be put into the scene through active verbs and sensory details beyond sight.  If I write "a rusty yellow Pinto chugged down the street enveloped in a cloud of acrid fumes" it's much more evocative. 
 
Likewise, if I were to rewrite the opening line of this vignette as "She lounged on the bed, wearing nothing but his favorite butter-yellow camisole.  The color brought out the warm undertones of her skin and highlighted the golden flecks in her hazel eyes" it sets the scene and gives an idea of what the woman looks like without going overboard.  Also, never include irrelevant details because you'll lose track of them and create inconsistencies in the story.  If there's a clock on the wall at the opening, it should be important to the story or you should come back to it again later as a wrap up.  For example, the scene that seems to go on forever might only last thirty minutes.  The clock is a tangible element that grounds the reader in the scene.


I . . . kind of agree with that - but I kind of agree with myself, too (no great surprise!).  I suppose that you have two contrasting things that need to be balanced, and maybe that's a fine balance.  You need to take them from the 'earthed and ordinary' to the fantasy.  So you need just the right amounts of both. 

But I think there's a special problem when you're writing porn/erotica:  people want to imagine the opposite partner just the way they want to imagine them.  For instance, mention a bearded, pipe-smoking man as the love object . . . don't you think that's going to kill it a bit for those women who (so I hear) get really turned off at the thought of bearded, pipe-smoking men?

Bugger.  I remember now why I always developed too many headaches when trying to write such stuff.  :-(

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com


(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Would love feedback on a story, scene, that i wrote... - 8/23/2011 5:02:25 PM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

But I think there's a special problem when you're writing porn/erotica:  people want to imagine the opposite partner just the way they want to imagine them.  For instance, mention a bearded, pipe-smoking man as the love object . . . don't you think that's going to kill it a bit for those women who (so I hear) get really turned off at the thought of bearded, pipe-smoking men?


Actually, people who read erotica want details.  LOTS of details.  They just have to be the right details.  Looks are slightly less important but sounds, textures, scents and, most importantly, emotions are vital. 
 
One of the "rules" of writing erotica is to slow everything down and describe things in detail.  You don't need to tell the audience she wore a 36DD bra and weighed 143 pounds.  However, foreplay is extended in order to give loving attention to the texture of sheets against skin, the scent of shampoo in hair, the sound of a partner's moan and how it touches each partner on an emotional level.  Is she reveling in the power she has over him, does he feel fearful and excited at the same time, and so on.
 
You're right; it takes a delicate balance to find the amount of detail that works best for the piece.  It's harder than it sounds.  That's why it's important to study the craft and join a good writing group or find other ways of getting your work critiqued.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl
"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to PeonForHer)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> Would love feedback on a story, scene, that i wrote today. Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2024
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.102