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RE: Dom Lateness - 8/30/2011 10:13:52 PM

MistressDarkArt

Posts: 5178
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: gorgeoushair

@ annie -
Thanks for Your response. He just admitted to His lateness (and that it is not a good thing). Left it up to me to decide whether or not to continue. i replied that i felt He was letting Himself off the hook by making it my decision, unless He was saying that He has no interest in altering His conduct in order to continue a relationship He says He enjoys...i said i thought the question was whether or not he was interested in/willing to alter His conduct in order to continue (especially since He agrees/admits it is a problem that He has manifested)....to be continued...

Some dom...that's passive-aggressive bullshit. Your time is every bit as valuable as his. If a sub of mine pulled that excessively late crap for no good reason after I had taken hours (maybe days) to prepare for a meeting (it has happened) I'll have him take me to dinner, then send him home with no scene. Happens again without a really, really good verifiable reason out he goes because I don't like repeating myself. Remember too...you're a female in the lifestyle. Plenty of other opportunities out there. There'll be another bus along soon.

< Message edited by MistressDarkArt -- 8/30/2011 10:45:21 PM >

(in reply to gorgeoushair)

Post #: 21

RE: Dom Lateness - 8/30/2011 10:20:48 PM

Tantriqu

Posts: 2026
Joined: 12/29/2006
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Sounds like a classic narcissist/passive-aggressive drama king; chronically late, he thinks his time is more important, and as you called him on it, he tried to put the burden of his lateness back onto you 'leaving it up to you whether or not to continue'. A good man would have said, 'Wow, I'm sorry, that's really disrespectful. It will be very easy for me to leave twenty minutes earlier. Looking forward to seeing you!'. A dick would shrug and say, 'Deal with it, baybey, it's just me being me!'

Or, as above, married and cheating with you and just in it for play, and now that you've threatened to withdraw, he pwomises to twy to change.

Good luck finding a good man.

< Message edited by Tantriqu -- 8/30/2011 10:23:47 PM >

_____________________________

"Then I did the simplest thing in the world. I leaned down... and kissed him. And the world cracked open." - Agnes de Mille

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Post #: 22

RE: Dom Lateness - 8/30/2011 10:25:02 PM

Endivius

Posts: 1238
Joined: 8/22/2011
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Well now that I see he left it up to you, dump his ass. It is a disservice to you, not just as a D/s relationship, but also as a partner.

Edit: changed my respons when I refreshed the page with new info.

< Message edited by Endivius -- 8/30/2011 10:29:53 PM >

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Post #: 23

RE: Dom Lateness - 8/30/2011 10:46:04 PM

anniezz338

Posts: 1183
Joined: 8/17/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: gorgeoushair

@ annie -
Thanks for Your response. He just admitted to His lateness (and that it is not a good thing). Left it up to me to decide whether or not to continue. i replied that i felt He was letting Himself off the hook by making it my decision, unless He was saying that He has no interest in altering His conduct in order to continue a relationship He says He enjoys...i said i thought the question was whether or not he was interested in/willing to alter His conduct in order to continue (especially since He agrees/admits it is a problem that He has manifested)....to be continued...

Well, if you guys are talking to each other like that, there seems to be something missing in the compatability/connection department, with the lateness just being a symptom. Two wrongs do not make a right. Drama sucks. So does incompatability and disconnect.

_____________________________

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Post #: 24

RE: Dom Lateness - 8/31/2011 2:37:33 AM

HannahLynHeather

Posts: 2950
Joined: 4/4/2011
From: where it's at
Status: offline

fr

adios training dom.

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Post #: 25

RE: Dom Lateness - 8/31/2011 3:13:47 AM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
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You know, people are late for all kinds of reasons that do not have anything to do with whether or not they think you are valuable. Sometimes it's cultural, sometimes it's about time management, sometimes it's their own concerns. Who knows? I will tell you that I am ALWAYS late. yes I am. And with good reason. I spent a decade being ruled by the clock as a therapist. I'm not doing it anymore. Also, when I'm able to meet up with people from the USA by phone or what not, that takes precedence because there is such a small window. The people who know me know that. When the muse has struck, and I'm in writing mode, nothing, and I mean NOTHING will get me out of it. I am totally 100% committed to it. I will cancel every dang thing (emergencies and such excluded of course). I respect the muse for she does not always come around. Also, I've lived in cultures where they can actually tell you why being late is about respect. And it made sense!

Now, all that said, there are certain things where I am always on time - work for example, catching the bus, getting the plane, etc. Those are because *I* don't make the time decision. My friends all know that I will be ten to thirty minutes late. It's a given. It's such a truism that when we talk about the time we will meet we ask - is that 7 sunshine time or 7 the rest of the world time? And we're all good. My friends know that I will move mountains to be there for them, to support them, to have their back. They tend to think that is worth more than the ten minutes (or 20 minutes) that I'm late. I happen to have enough trust and faith in them to not think the worst of them, to know that they care for and respect me. I would expect the same caring and respect to be reciprocated with a sweetheart.

As an aside, I also wouldn't expect them to wait around for hours for me. Twenty minutes and move on.

best,
sunshine

< Message edited by sunshinemiss -- 8/31/2011 3:14:21 AM >

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Post #: 26

RE: Dom Lateness - 8/31/2011 3:53:34 AM

CelticPrince

Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline

g

At 64 your a fairly well experienced lass in life and I will assume that your intellect matches your age so it causes me to ponder this period called training. How did he explain it to you? In reality it is more accurately described as exposure to each other and the expectancies attached.

As far as lateness is concerned, that may well be part of his life. Often people pack too much into their life and expect those around them to adjust....... not so hot an attitude.

His giving you an out just tells you that he does not place sufficient value on the relationship and is amenable to end it. Do it.

A few years back I had a great relationship with a married lady that was on line only. Our interludes were truely connected and then she started the late issue which was not acceptable for my time values;. so as much as it pained me to do it on the 3rd time I simply explained it to her and ended a fine relationship

CP

(in reply to gorgeoushair)

Post #: 27

RE: Dom Lateness - 8/31/2011 4:16:19 AM

gorgeoushair

Posts: 114
Joined: 4/30/2011
Status: offline

@ tantriqu -

You have hit the nail on the head, though i won't recite the particulars/facts. I told him that it was not up to me, but up to Him to alter His conduct, if He wants to continue. My point of view is either He alters His conduct, or i am terminating the relationship. Period. i need someone -- a fully grown man -- who is respectful of my life and time, Dom status, notwithstanding. There are two people, not one, involved in a D/s relationship. In my view, unless agreed to (and i would never agree), a sub does not give up rights to normal (adult, non-narcissitic) courtesy -- honesty -- in making and honoring meeting times. Having said all that, i know for sure that this is His problem to solve, or not. If the latter, then, it's over. Thanks tantriqu and everyone

(in reply to Endivius)

Post #: 28

RE: Dom Lateness - 8/31/2011 4:20:33 AM

gorgeoushair

Posts: 114
Joined: 4/30/2011
Status: offline

@ Celtic -

Thanks, i understand what and why you did what you did, and if i had to call it, i think that i will probably have to do the same thing. Something tells me that He is not ready to alter his behavior. i will find out very soon whether or not He says that He is willing to change it, and then whether He actually does. Time will tell...

(in reply to gorgeoushair)

Post #: 29

RE: Dom Lateness - 8/31/2011 4:35:59 AM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

*Gasp!* A submissive who knows her worth and expects to be treated as a person! What is this world coming to?!!

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Post #: 30

RE: Dom Lateness - 8/31/2011 4:36:21 AM

gorgeoushair

Posts: 114
Joined: 4/30/2011
Status: offline

@ sunshine -

Thanks for your response. You obviously have people around you who are willing to accept your lateness (i would not be one of them). in my life and career, which is a demanding, i do not feel ruled by the clock but by reciprocal civility and courtesy. I am a creative person, myself. If i find myself in such a creative run that i could not tear myself away from my work, it would be a rarity (and therefore understandable, if not acceptable), not the norm. (i know some incredibly successful, creative, prolific, famous people and they are not always late, which is what i am talking about.) i am talking about admitted chronic lateness, and cancelling at the last moment -- at this moment, at least the Dom i am referring to sees that His conduct is disrespectful and wrong. Hope your creative life is thriving....

< Message edited by gorgeoushair -- 8/31/2011 4:46:48 AM >

(in reply to CelticPrince)

Post #: 31

RE: Dom Lateness - 8/31/2011 4:38:18 AM

gorgeoushair

Posts: 114
Joined: 4/30/2011
Status: offline

@ xxblushesxx -

(in reply to gorgeoushair)

Post #: 32

RE: Dom Lateness - 8/31/2011 4:42:56 AM

gorgeoushair

Posts: 114
Joined: 4/30/2011
Status: offline

@Hannah --

i am prepared to say adios if it He does not both tell me that He is willing to change and He *does*...thanks for your post

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

Post #: 33

RE: Dom Lateness - 8/31/2011 5:30:09 AM

HannahLynHeather

Posts: 2950
Joined: 4/4/2011
From: where it's at
Status: offline

quote:

if it He does not both tell me that He is willing to change and He *does*

ummm, he already fucking told you to just suck it up babe.

quote:

He just admitted to His lateness (and that it is not a good thing). Left it up to me to decide whether or not to continue.

< Message edited by HannahLynHeather -- 8/31/2011 5:31:31 AM >

_____________________________

clique? i don't need no stinking clique!

fuck a duck ~w. disney

My Twitter: http://twitter.com/HannahFuck

i hope you enjoyed the post, and as always my friends....have a nice day

(in reply to gorgeoushair)

Post #: 34

RE: Dom Lateness - 8/31/2011 5:59:30 AM

Rochsub2009

Posts: 2536
Status: offline

Hmmmm, sounds pretty simple to me. The two of you are incompatible. That doesn't make either of you "right" or "wrong". It simply means that you're not right for one another.

BTW, just because someone self-defines as a "Dom", that doesn't mean that they really are. How can you feel comfortable allowing him to control you, when he can't even control himself? His decision to leave it up to you to decide whether you want to continue in the relationship seems extremely "undomly" to me. As the Dom, he should be taking control and making the decision.

Frankly, he sounds like an inconsiderate ass to me. But maybe that's what you're looking for in a Dom.

(in reply to gorgeoushair)

Post #: 35

RE: Dom Lateness - 8/31/2011 6:19:07 AM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: gorgeoushair

@ annie -
Thanks for Your response. He just admitted to His lateness (and that it is not a good thing). Left it up to me to decide whether or not to continue. i replied that i felt He was letting Himself off the hook by making it my decision, unless He was saying that He has no interest in altering His conduct in order to continue a relationship He says He enjoys...i said i thought the question was whether or not he was interested in/willing to alter His conduct in order to continue (especially since He agrees/admits it is a problem that He has manifested)....to be continued...

So, let me get this straight?
He has just admitted to his lateness.

I am wondering how many times you have actually brought it up to him before and how was this done.

There is a remedy for lateness after it has been explained and the other person demonstrates they understand that they know you have other priorities in your life and you are scheduling this time for them: and that is you show up at the agreed upon time and perhaps you wait 10 minutes to allow for traffic and if they don't show, you leave.
If they want to spend time with you then the next time they may make the effort to show up on time.

From your phrasing above, had he always tried to minimise his lateness or not taken responsibility for it? How does one not admit to lateness?

As for him leaving it up to you, actually I see that as reasonable.
You are the one who has the issue with his being late.
Either it is something you can work around or it isn't.

Look, everyone has some areas in their lives of lessened manageability. Sometimes it is conscious, often it is not.
There are no dominant partners out there who have all aspects of their lives under complete control. So the trick is to find someone whose areas of non-control are more compatible with you.

I suspect that for you it isn't only the impact that lateness has on you personally, so much as the fact that lateness really personally bugs you.

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(in reply to gorgeoushair)

Post #: 36

RE: Dom Lateness - 8/31/2011 7:15:26 AM

Iamsemisweet

Posts: 3651
Joined: 4/9/2011
From: The Great Northwest, USA
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At this point, you are dating and finding out about each other. If this lack of consideration, which is what it sounds like, is a deal killer, at least you found out early on before you were too involved. Personally, I couldn't deal with it, I also have a lot of things going on in my life. I would, and have, kicked people to the curb for this. It has nothing to do with being a Dom and everything to do with being an ass.

_____________________________

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

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Post #: 37

RE: Dom Lateness - 8/31/2011 7:17:25 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14442
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
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The canceling at the last minute would irk me. But as for this.....

quote:

ORIGINAL: gorgeoushair
Never could understand why people who are late think that their time is more valuable than mine...

As somebody that has the lateness issue: I have always found this attitude to be arrogant. I don't think my time is more important than yours, I simply have no concept of time.

If you ask me to tell you after 5 minutes has gone by, you would find I'm no where near the mark. I'm either way early or way late. I have dealt with this my entire life. I have clocks everywhere in my house. I have a cooking timer in the bathroom to set a time limit when I'm getting ready. I have clocks that rule my life just to make sure I get to work on time.

So, why don't you come down off of that high horse....

_____________________________

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Post #: 38

RE: Dom Lateness - 8/31/2011 7:17:57 AM

tolovetolaugh

Posts: 648
Joined: 4/30/2008
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In healthy D/s for me you should be diferent but equal. I don't think he sees your time as equal, or seems to care that this bothers you.
Sounds like that classic diva coming late to her own party because she thinks it will get her more attention.

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That which yields, is not always weak. —
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Post #: 39

RE: Dom Lateness - 8/31/2011 7:20:17 AM

tolovetolaugh

Posts: 648
Joined: 4/30/2008
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Does he actually apologize when he is late, or simply "acknowledge" it?

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Post #: 40

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