Playboy club inspired BDSM romance... or maybe thats just me (Full Version)

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tolovetolaugh -> Playboy club inspired BDSM romance... or maybe thats just me (9/10/2011 10:26:38 AM)

I saw a commercial for the playboy club, and this is what popped in my head. Enjoy! Or hate on the bad writing technique. Proper editing and critique is always welcome. ----
He walked into the club. A man just by looking at him who had connections, money, power. I didn't know his name, but the manager gave us the signal we should be "nice".
He was 6'2 with broad shoulders, a powerful physique, and hands the size of a dinner plate. And that presence, that is almost a person in itself, with the way it grabs you and demands subservience. The dealers and servers fawned over him at the poker table.
As bunnies we enthusiastically surrounded him, our fluffy tails bobbing about as we ran our hands over his arms and cooed over the muscles we felt. He shooed us all away, with a promise he would play with us later.
Everyone laughed.
He ran his hand over my ass as I was leaving- nothing I wasn't used to, I giggled the silly giggle we are taught and shook it a bit as I walked away. I am 5'2, my tits are big, my ass curves out over my tiny waist, and I have long brown hair that bounces with my boobs when I walk. I love the silly bunny ears that serve as my hair piece, and relish the jokes and attention the fluffy bunny tail on my ass brings.
I forgot about him for a bit, until I heard a commotion over by the bar- I turn my head and there he is. He had grabbed a blonde bunny roughly by the hair and was holding her with her face against a wall as he ran his hand over her body. Blondie was a good girl, who knew how things worked and made no fuss. She stood meekly as his other hand circled her neck and gave it a squeeze. His hand started to move downwards, over the curve of her breasts giving them a little squeeze and brush over her nipples.
I looked around and everyone was watching her humiliation, but no one was doing anything. The bouncers just stood around grinning and laughing, and the bunnies were watching like deer with their eyes wide open. A hush had fallen over the smoky room. Another customer stood up and he looked like he would intervene, but a dealer whispered something in his ear about who the man was and he abruptly sat down.
I turned my head back. The mans hand had drifted lower, slowly inching over blondies ass and than pulling back to give her a hard smack. SMACK!
He hit the other ass cheek. She jumped and squealed, but made no further protest.
He seemed unsatisfied and tossed her away from him. She collapsed into a corner and was instantly surrounded by a group of bunnies trying to kill the man with their glares. He just laughed at them and looked around.
As he turned his eyes locked on mine. I was angry and glaring, and a smile curved over his lips as he walked over. I opened my mouth, "Don't you fucking d-"
I was cut short as his expression turned harsh and he grabbed my hair and slammed me into the wall. He Tsked, "That's not how you talk to me, little bunny... or bad things could happen." His grip in my hair tightened and I made a little sound of protest, trying to push myself away from the wall.
He slammed me back, put his hand on my throat and started choking me via pressure points in my neck. I scratched at his hand around my throat but it was like prying at rock, he just squeezed harder and shook me by my hair until I started seeing spots and my grip on his hand loosened and my hands fell away useless.
I was almost limp now, and the only thing holding me up were his hands. He released his grip on my neck, and as the blood rushed back up I felt a huge rush, and it was like everything was dreamlike. I couldn't bring the will to struggle. Free now, his hand started the slow drift over my body, over the curve of my shoulder and the side of my left boob. He picked it up and held it a bit before brushing lightly over the nipple. His hand started to move away and than I heard him laugh. He brought his hand back to my nipple and I started to feel hot and embarrassed.
It was hard!
He leaned down and whispered in my ear.
"It's not cold in here little one, what has you so excited?" As he spoke he was playing with my nipple, ending his question with a sharp twist. I gasped and my back arched involuntarily, my hips jerking.
I was too embarrassed to say anything, so I just stayed quiet, and started trying to break away again. He simply held firm to my hair, and twisted my nipple harder until I stopped. I managed to move my head to the side, looking and praying no one had seen me responding to his treatment. The other bunnies were watching, and I knew they had seen something, they looked confused and disgusted. The men in the room mixed from disgust to lust.
I started feeling panic, my heart beating and my whole body feeling sickeningly heated. What would they all think of me?!
He didn't like my attention off him. He slammed my head back where he chose, and moved his hand to the other nipple, squeezing and holding it tight until I was whimpering. He released my nipple and his hand moved slowly... so slowly it was like a lit match being dragged down my side. He got to the curve of my ass and gave a sloppy grope, laughing at how indignant I got.

He pulled his hand back, and I knew what was coming. I tensed up. SMACK!
It hurt so much, and I the little layer fabric they called a costume did nothing to absorb the blow. I bit my lip, and tears formed in my eyes, but I couldn't help responding to it. My ass moved into where his hand caressed it, before he pulled it back and hit again. SMACK! I bit harder, determined not to give him the pleasure of a sound.
SMACK! The tears started coming out, running my mascara over my face as the humiliation got to me, and my face got even redder.
SMACK!
He hit again and again until I couldn't take it anymore. My ass was burning, I felt humiliated, but my pride couldn't hold it in anymore. I cried out!
SMACK!
I started begging him, "please... please stop!" Crying uncontrollably now.
I felt him draw back again and I sobbed... than his hand came back and gently rubbed my sore ass.
He turned my around with his grip on my hair, his hand sliding on my ass as it turned. He brought it up and wiped the tears from my face, and smiled at me. My breasts were bobbing up and down with how quickly I was breathing, and I stared into his eyes, mine filled with fear and panic, and his calm and amused.
"I like you." He said softly, an evil smile spreading across his face. "You will be fun to... break."
He caressed the word break as it came out his mouth, and I stared at him, hypnotized by my own fear and the strength behind his words.
He grabbed the little tuxedo collar around my neck and tied it off so the Velcro clasp wouldn't come undone. He took his tie off and tied it to my newly made collar, and started to lead me away. I came back to myself a bit and protested, until he grabbed me by the hair as well. "You will be coming along... and I agree, the easy way isn't nearly as fun."

He gripped my collar tight and cut off the blood to my brain again, but this time held on until I blacked out completely...





Mr4sg -> RE: Playboy club inspired BDSM romance... or maybe thats just me (9/11/2011 9:26:44 AM)

Editing is a tough job. I write short stories and poems, some of which got published.
I'll try to give you a mindset through which to evaluate your own work.


- writing style: dont use past tense. Write in current tense to increase readers identifying with the story as it involves. You are not writing a travel guide or a history novel.

quote:

A man just by looking at him who had connections, money, power.

- incorrect grammar. Suggestions " A man who, by looking at him, has connections, money and power." Alternate: "A man who clearly has connections, money and power".

quote:

I didn't know his name, but the manager gave us the signal we should be "nice".

- bad story line: you are introducing new people: A manager, who doesnt need additional introductions. But by the use of "us" you imply you are not alone. You can not correctly refere to "us" without naming the parties involved first.
Suggestion: introduce the "other woman/women" in a single line like: "me and my girls were standing at the bar in the club as he walked in".

quote:

The dealers and servers fawned over him at the poker table.

- bad story line: he just walks in and now he has been playing poker? Shouldn't he go sit down and join the poker game first or something?

quote:

As bunnies we enthusiastically surrounded him, our fluffy tails bobbing about as we ran our hands over his arms and cooed over the muscles we felt.

- bad narrative: sentence is too long with too many actions happening in one sentence. Split in at least two sentences.

- In general, you have a nice story written down.
- Try put more words for the atmosphere, the lighting, the surroundings. Be the camera of the reader and lead them into the story. Make them see with your words.





tolovetolaugh -> RE: Playboy club inspired BDSM romance... or maybe thats just me (9/11/2011 9:30:07 AM)

Thank you :) Your criticism and advice is exactly what I wanted, and now I can work on it a bit more.

Editted to add:
I am not sure I know how to do the present tense very well. And I can never seem to do dialog right in my writing- I always passed my writing classes through past tense. Probably not a good thing in retrospect.

But I will work on it after the games. Go Steelers!




kalikshama -> RE: Playboy club inspired BDSM romance... or maybe thats just me (9/12/2011 6:47:44 PM)

That was fun, thanks!

I think the narrator needs to struggle more :)

You left out a few apostrophes - for example, mans should be man's, and Mr4sg gave you good advice.

Go Patriots!






RexDarcy -> RE: Playboy club inspired BDSM romance... or maybe thats just me (9/12/2011 10:38:09 PM)

I like the story - a good start for sure.

I agree with what Mr4sg suggested. I like to visualize the story I am reading. The smoother the story flows, the clearer the "picture".







tolovetolaugh -> RE: Playboy club inspired BDSM romance... or maybe thats just me (9/13/2011 8:22:32 AM)

Thank you for all the advice, going to work on tweaking it a bit today.


Annnd... what happened to the edit button for my original post? Its not next to the reply/quote/fwd buttons...




MileHighM -> RE: Playboy club inspired BDSM romance... or maybe thats just me (9/13/2011 10:20:29 AM)

Good start to a damn hot fantasy...

Certainly give a man a lot of ideas.

Free some time ;) lol


PS, you can only edit for about 30 minutes--just repost it.




tolovetolaugh -> RE: Playboy club inspired BDSM romance... or maybe thats just me (9/16/2011 10:00:37 AM)

Oooook, apparently I need to say something. If you read my story... While I love compliments and thoughts, I do not have any desire to see what it did to your anatomy. Seriously. >< No more penis pics using this as a justification.




MCLady -> RE: Playboy club inspired BDSM romance... or maybe thats just me (9/20/2011 5:53:02 AM)

I thoroughly enjoyed this story!
I hope to read more from you as you implement the above suggestions[;)] 
(The narrator was a bit "soft" & more struggling would have been nice but this is a great start)!




Contentment -> RE: Playboy club inspired BDSM romance... or maybe thats just me (10/12/2011 10:02:21 AM)

Well, your tag says it's porn or romance, but it really is just porn. The key is that you don't have a plot beyond the one sexual encounter.

In porn, this is stupidly common. In romance, less common.

If you spend more time "getting to know your character" and exploring how she got to and from the encounter without constant sex, you could make a solid romance. Be a bit dark romance for sure, but romance all the same (not dark for this site, just dark by definition).

If anything, it reminds me of a comic book/graphic novel, an artsy tale. I mean, you've got the visuals down, but everything's a bit abstract. I mean your guy is a meager 6'2" and he's got those giant hands and tough body, I'm picturing a gorilla shaped person. Then his lines are always so dead on to what your protagonist is thinking - sort of like he's reading her thoughts. He really reminds me more of a super cool hero/villain - can almost picture his dark and foreboding costume.

Then you've got the "bunnies" which also paints interesting images in my mind. He's the predator and your the prey established early on in the story. I'm actually stuck on this one, it's almost like I can picture him as a wolf and you as sheep or something like that....

But, yeah, I like where the story is going.

It does leave me with questions though. I mean, you left it with him saying he's going to break you (we assume in a dominant manner, not a serial killer sort of way), and then you pass out. You haven't been broken yet, so that's the next part of your "journey."




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