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balance between domination and affection - 9/27/2011 3:12:47 PM

Vidwan

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I met a Master from Collarme this past weekend. It openned up some questions for me.

He is a very relaxed and open Master, and very affectionate. Not a strict Master in terms of protocol... well, not with me on our first meeting. That was what he had decided for our meeting.

I'm a very affectionate man, needing affection, and needing to give it. At the same time, i also require structure, discipline and boundaries.

We had a good 48 hours together, and he is a very kind man. I enjoyed the time together, even thought it lacked the more rigid boundaries that i've been used to with previous Master's i've served. Yet, with previous Masters, the affection showed was almost 'staged', and used to manipulate, rather than genuine.

How that balance between intimacy and control is found could be difficult... but not necesarily. I feel that the right chemistry is always the priority, and the rest falls into place. Finding the right Master where the chemistry works well is something i haven't yet discovered, and i'm still looking and hoping to find it, tso what i'm saying here is through projection and not experience.

I suppose i'm trying to work things out before they happen, which is not a good thing. I'm told by some Masters that a slave should not think, but simply obey. But if i don't think and learn to understand myself, then how am i to be able to offer the best of myself to a Master?.... hmmm.

I'm in early stages, and lack experience, so maybe i just meet more Masters, and take things as they come. The experience teaches me.

michael

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RE: balance between domination and affection - 9/27/2011 3:25:13 PM

xxblushesxx

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Of course you should think! What good is a zombie slave? Anyone who tells you that is saying it in the middle of a hot scene and for effect, or they're just playing at bdsm.

Now, a master who's style does not match yours may not work in the long run, as you may always be craving a more structured type relationship. However, you may decide that affection and caring is well worth the trade-off.

Congrats on meeting someone wonderful. You may be starting a new bdsm relationship or at least a wonderful friendship. Just take your time, and relax. I suggest you think very carefully about what you REALLY want. It's easy to forget that when someone who has almost all the things we're searching for is right there. Prioritize your needs and trust your instinct.

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RE: balance between domination and affection - 9/27/2011 5:03:06 PM

Vidwan

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Thanks for your reply, Christine,

My instinct is that it wouldn't work for me longterm, as although we got on well in terms of frienship, the basic chemistry wasn't there for me. He seems very keen, and i do plan to visit him again. But you know when something is right and when it is not. Sometimes it's not simple to pinpoint things, and other times things are much easier to define. The gut says a lot, and my gut is that i'd be as frustrated as hell in the longterm.
Even so, i feel i would have a good friend in him, and that's worth a lot.

But the search goes on.

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RE: balance between domination and affection - 9/27/2011 5:30:20 PM

stef

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Intimacy and control aren't at opposite ends of the spectrum and not necessarily something that needs to achieve a balance. My most rewarding relationships have been ones where the two coexisted. Finding someone who can show both at the same time is a wonderful thing, but that's just not how everyone is wired.

Good luck with the new relationship and I hope you find what you're looking for.

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RE: balance between domination and affection - 9/27/2011 6:24:10 PM

Vidwan

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Thank you Stef,

the 'new relationship' is definitely a longterm one that i seek, but i've learned something from it.. even if it's just how to take a good spanking without resistance.... I'm new to spanking *blush*

I've been told by numerous Masters that it will be very difficult, if not near impossible, to find a Master who will properly control me, and also exchange affection and intimacy... but looking back, the ones who have said that have always been sadists... maybe that's why?

< Message edited by Vidwan -- 9/27/2011 6:25:04 PM >

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RE: balance between domination and affection - 9/27/2011 6:28:10 PM

nancygirl34652

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it is really possible to meet a Master who not only gives you the structure you need but also the affection you need....there are plenty of them out there....just need to find them...lol

Just follow your heart and think all you want....and best of luck to you in finding what you need!

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RE: balance between domination and affection - 9/28/2011 2:18:49 AM

Vidwan

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Thank you Nancy. The responses here give me plenty of hope.

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RE: balance between domination and affection - 9/28/2011 10:09:17 AM

ashjor911

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congratulations are in order,

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RE: balance between domination and affection - 9/29/2011 5:06:55 PM

LanceHughes

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I carefully read your profile and journal.

I'm getting mixed messages about your desired Master. Maybe that's why you're having trouble finding him - that is, you yourself are uncertain and that uncertainy makes it difficult for potential partners to sort out in their own minds whether you might be a good match.

The mixed messages are: "I want a god to worship" and "I want a Daddy." Men that lean heavily one way or the other are finding themselves thinking "Well, I'm a god and don't 'do' Daddy." The other direction being "I'm a Daddy type. I wouldn't know how to react to being worshipped."

Myself? I'm about 60-65% Daddy, the rest a Master, moving toward more Master. One of my screen names is "LthrDaddy" and that's what I asked for over my avatar. (The Mods gave me the "hot" part w/o me asking. LOL!)

So, my reaction to your profile is "Sure, I can 'do' the affection thing, but that 'worship' part?" I get the sense that you have a heavily religous background, and that's why I use "god" in ths post. Possibly a seminarian, maybe a monk having given up Holy orders?

ALL humans have "feet of clay," so I'd suggest looking a little more realistically.

Short version: Maybe the problem you are having is that you are looking for someone to worship and in this 21st century, few men are looking for worshippers. The other 'side' of what you are looking for is probably scaring off people who do not want to be smothered.

Having typed that, you say "UK only" and maybe that's an idea: Being a valet to the Lorded gentry might give you the relationship you are looking for. One of my best friends teaches at "Starkey's School of Household Management." Always fully enrolled, they train (and polish) folks to serve the very wealthy or people in high positons. She tells me that many of her students are gay males - especially the Armed Forces' non-coms being trained for Generals and Chiefs of Staff. WOOF!

Possibly there are similar schools in the UK.

Good luck on your continued search (and please remember "Life is a journey not a destination.")

<edited for clarity, spelling, grammar - y'know the usual>

< Message edited by LanceHughes -- 9/29/2011 5:16:04 PM >

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RE: balance between domination and affection - 9/29/2011 7:34:19 PM

LanceHughes

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The more I think on this, the more I am sure that you are looking for "Our Lord, God, Our Father" here on earth in human flesh.

Jesus was / is the Son of the Trinity and was God the Father's chosen way to appear on the earth. HE himself could not leave his throne and die for our sins. What a blasphemy to even suggest the idea. If he had died, the Universe would have disappeared. Of course, Jesus had to be made "in the flesh" so that he could die for our sins.

So, how could a man want to be worshipped to that degree - the degree we worship Our Lord and Master?
So, how could a man return the love you give as well as God the Father returns your love?

Welcome to the forums......

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RE: balance between domination and affection - 9/30/2011 11:42:06 AM

SimplyMichael

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People come to kink all to often to escape their failure to form healthy vanilla relationships. They think that they can escape their underlying issues.

Its quite common with male dominants, both gay and het to see being dominant/master as a way of avoiding the fact they are self loathing and or have trouble with being emotional. That is why all the BS around "can you mix D/s and love" because for many they fear the vulnerability that comes with love.

The whole Daddy thing is just as rife with issues. Many seek out more dysfunctional people to "daddy" so that they can feel better in comparison, classic co-dependant behavior.

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RE: balance between domination and affection - 9/30/2011 1:11:24 PM

Vidwan

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Joined: 6/28/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes

I carefully read your profile and journal.

I'm getting mixed messages about your desired Master. Maybe that's why you're having trouble finding him - that is, you yourself are uncertain and that uncertainy makes it difficult for potential partners to sort out in their own minds whether you might be a good match.

The mixed messages are: "I want a god to worship" and "I want a Daddy." Men that lean heavily one way or the other are finding themselves thinking "Well, I'm a god and don't 'do' Daddy." The other direction being "I'm a Daddy type. I wouldn't know how to react to being worshipped."

Myself? I'm about 60-65% Daddy, the rest a Master, moving toward more Master. One of my screen names is "LthrDaddy" and that's what I asked for over my avatar. (The Mods gave me the "hot" part w/o me asking. LOL!)

So, my reaction to your profile is "Sure, I can 'do' the affection thing, but that 'worship' part?" I get the sense that you have a heavily religous background, and that's why I use "god" in ths post. Possibly a seminarian, maybe a monk having given up Holy orders?

ALL humans have "feet of clay," so I'd suggest looking a little more realistically.

Short version: Maybe the problem you are having is that you are looking for someone to worship and in this 21st century, few men are looking for worshippers. The other 'side' of what you are looking for is probably scaring off people who do not want to be smothered.

Having typed that, you say "UK only" and maybe that's an idea: Being a valet to the Lorded gentry might give you the relationship you are looking for. One of my best friends teaches at "Starkey's School of Household Management." Always fully enrolled, they train (and polish) folks to serve the very wealthy or people in high positons. She tells me that many of her students are gay males - especially the Armed Forces' non-coms being trained for Generals and Chiefs of Staff. WOOF!

Possibly there are similar schools in the UK.

Good luck on your continued search (and please remember "Life is a journey not a destination.")

<edited for clarity, spelling, grammar - y'know the usual>

Hi Sir,
Thank you for taking the time to think about it and write on the thread.
You are close in some ways. The God/Daddy thing is pretty good. Although i'm not looking for a God-substitute... more, a God-channel. If i was looking for a God-replacement, i'd be looking forever, as all men are flawed and have weaknesses.
No, i think i'm more looking for a daddy figure (I was adopted, and never felt i belonged to my family... very different personalities from me), who has control, makes decisions, and who i look up to and admire.
You are also spot on with my religious background, although i never went as far as a seminary, but i have always been devout, on and off, and did at one point vaguely consider monastic orders. But even then, a monk's life is one of service and obedience. The main reason i didn't go for it was because i felt i needed intimacy and affection. That is where the 'daddy' comes in, and where the daddy, for me, needs to also be a Master. Whether physical worship is appropriate, i do wonder what people imagine worship actually is... a man can kneel before his Master and worship him without actually physically doing anything... just as someone's partner can sit across a table and look into their partner's eyes, and worship him. Worship comes in many forms.
I seek a man who is loving and caring, and can show it... but at the same time, lays down very real boundaries, demands total obedience, and will know and desire that i am his, for whatever and whenever he wants.
Respectfully,
michael

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RE: balance between domination and affection - 10/4/2011 9:23:15 PM

Keeshka

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I've understood from the start that a Good Mistress and or Master will allow a certain amount of affection and caring ... but it must never be allowed to confused the relationship or it's proper roles and place for each ... i hope for the loving stroke and hand from my Superior in the same way i'm sure the family dog does ... but i am and will always be the slave and must remember my place and not to allow familiarity to breed contempt or improper forwardness on my part. My Mistress will always be my Mistress I am not her peer nor her equal .. and i must never be allowed to forget that .. in my former enslavement my Mistress and i had a very close and loving relationship but everyday before bed she whipped me to remind me i was her slave and she my Mistress ... i always appreciated that ...

slave
k

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RE: balance between domination and affection - 10/6/2011 6:31:52 AM

Vidwan

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Keesha,

Thanks for your contribution.
I think that some Masters (i can't comment on Mistresses) stear clear of genuine affection, because they DO see it as a compromise, and also exposing themselves to some extent. That may be a reflection on their own insecurity in their dominance, or may be just that they aren't looking for a relationship with a slave which includes that aspect. Many seem to have partners for that.

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