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Anomoymous -> fiction or non (9/28/2011 10:52:53 AM)
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shit shit shit... what am i going to do. ugh. she wants to meet. oh this makes my head hurt.
i cant think. and no, just sitting here stareing at the message on the computer messaging a
stress induced headache is not helping. ive got to do something. no... i cant. it would be
better to just run away, after all, that's what i always end up doing anyway. god im such a looser.
yeah right. i disgust MYSELF so why in the hells would someone else want me. its obsurd. for ANYTHING!
then again, its not like she even knows everything. just what she's gleaned from emails and profile i
made from that site. sure, we've chatted, off and on... but that's just through the computer
not the same thing. i mean, so what if i used my REAL name. i had to. it was needed for
varification just TO join the site after all.
damnit damnit damnit!!! my mind keeps going in circles. she's a DOMME, a dominant. and i.. well,
im just not sure what the hell i am anymore. i know i find this frightening tho, if i really admit
it to myself. shit. one more thing that makes me so pathetic. what do i do. there's no way she'd want me.
i mean, i know a lot more about me then SHE does after all. i Think that's what it means, that she
wants ... no. no way. NO one wants me. i know this. i KNOW it!! flipping obsurd notion. i need to calm
down. yeah.
that being the case, why Cant i meet her? NO! no way. she'd ... find out things about me that
i really dont want getting out. loose what little regard she has im sure, and that'd be the end
of that. shit. ild be humiliating, to say the least. and i DONT get into humiliation. really
just cant even understand the mindset of the kind that do. sure, im a massocist... i guess. but,
that isnt the same thing. not nearly.
massocism.. WHY am i a massocist?? trama? something. i just dont get it. endorphin rush they
try to expain it away. i just dont know aout that. i just know i like it. and i dont. no, who am
i kidding. i like it, i just dont like what i see as being a psyshological imballance. im sure
some shrink would just LOVE to get his hands on me. god i hate it. but yet... but yet, i earnestly
DO enjoy it. memories surficeing of the times ive done it. damn that's been a long time ago now, but
even so some things come back clear as day. the ...rush? of feeling lightheaded, like im hyperventilating
even when i know im not. even under THOSE circumstance i can .. and have, made sure i was breathing
property just to be sure. but what IS it?
in the past ive likened the feel of the flogger as a deep tissue massage. wich is kinda funny really.
makes me smile a bit really cause i suppose it really IS. just... deep enough to leave marks. hah..
well, at least its still easy to laugh at myself. but seriously, if that's the case, then why do i also
honestly enjoy the "sting" of a whip too? granted, not as much as a really good.. oh oh GOD hard, flogging,
but still... Mmmmmm.. sighing at the memory. god its been so long. the heavy thud flogger swinging hard
onto my back, feeling the impact almost throughout my whole body. yeilding to each stroke.. yelling "MORE!"
while hanging by chains, arms stretched out high above me, all but defenceless, as she... oh god, SHE!
that brings up unpleasent feelings these days, but nevermind that... trying to get back on track..
more pleasent memories.
always loved nails too. something undeyibly feminine and Hawt about that. nails on my back.. or front,
espcially during... WHOA! Stop! your massocism is NOT about sex. remember that. it never was. after all,
only once in all the times sceening have you EVER gotten aroused. god that was embarassing. that will NOT
happen again. after all, it never has again. except for that one memory, even nails didnt "do it" for me.
but even so.. Wow what a memory. geez. the marks she left lasted for weeks. no exaduration.
speaking of marks, why are marks a "badge of pride"? a kinda "look! i took this!?" what, am i an idiot?
or should i say, was? ah shit.. sighing with bad thoughts again. i gota stop this negitive cycle.
i really need to think about what to do with this letter and how to respond to it.
_________________________________________________
to be continued...???
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