susannah
Posts: 79
Joined: 10/19/2004
Status: offline
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Try to forget him, Quietgirl. I certainly wouldn't let him chase me off the boards - everyone has a right to be here - and Collarme has something like 58,000 members - he is only one. I know it hurts, but it will pass. I do know how this feels, and it is hard, because you think things maybe were going to work out. Personal story and maybe TMI - too much information (but here I go anyway...). I am a quiet girl, too. The following just happend to me last Spring and Summer:
Before I found out my husband was willing to try bdsm, I was friends with an on-line mentor, who I fantasized a lot about, and I think he knew it. He was also 10-15 years older than me, which I loved. He had a great profile up on the DungeonNet personals board - and honestly I can't remember how I literally just stumbled upon it - I just read a lot, if I get "lost" researching stuff on the internet, and am no techie, but curious, so this happens to me occasioanally, and I found DungeonNet. After I found out what DungeonNet was about, I read almost all the categories in the entire board - it was soooo interesting to me.
I read this man's profile, and he was so debonair, and sounded so smooth, and it was all so new, and he had a great pic of himself up there. He knew exactly what he wanted - but had not found it and had been revising it - I'd kept my eye on it for a few weeks without contacting him. I just wrote him a letter one day, introducing myself - I wanted to learn more about D/s, and he seemed to know so much.
There was a huge experience gap between us (I read a lot, and have about bdsm stuff since, but - looking back, I realize now just how much he knew that I didn't about what he was looking for. I think he played me a little, too. Had it continued, I am sure maybe I could have been accused of playing him, and he was very dominant, and maybe could have been great for me, and maybe would have ruined my entire life. I really have no way to know - but meeting him would have required I turn my entire life upside down - a move across the country, to Washington, D.C. - I know I would have been cut-off from everyone I know now had we continued. He also wanted his sub to wear a 24/7 steel neck collar w/a padlock. To me this meant (finally dawned on me - he is looking for "the One" - I could really mess up his life, as much as he could mess up mine. But he was so charming - truly. I was almost ready to do it. But - *Fate fortunately stepped in* at the right time.
Looking back, I think he may just had been trying to answer my questions, too, and that's all he was trying to do, but - I wanted this so badly (D/s) for so long that I built him up in my head, and dreamed about him all the time. He was great at giving me the personal attention I craved just by passing along info or answering questions (and most of his answers were given back to me in a non-sexual context).
It was maybe or maybe not obvious to him by how much I wrote to him, but he always answered my e-mails. I wanted to meet him and mentioned maybe attending the Black Rose convention with him in November coming up. But he was a big lover of the notion of the 'mindfuck' and he "tried out that notion on me in ways that might have been more appealing had I known him better - but that should have been a "red flag" to me to simply STOP (true for me only, here, in that situation).
Twist of Fate and stroke of dumb luck - My husband found the (Story of "O", and "Different Loving") on my night table (where I'd left them on purpose, and which he'd ignored for a long time, too - never even asked why they were there. One day, for some reason, he just started asking me what "O" was about.
I still missed my on-line mentor and was still fantasizing about him, but I wrote him and told him I could not write him anymore, that I felt so guilty, thanked him for answering my Q's and apologizing for any notion of 'leading him on' he might have (and cried the whole time I did it). He was so adult, and so mature - I am pretty sure he'll be okay. I am now (but it took awile, and I still occasionally wonder what he is doing and with who, and a wistfulness fills me that I cannot explain.
His profile is now gone from the DungeonNet personals site - and I remember when I discovered it had disappeared, I was so upset. It had been on there for 3 years, and just 2 months ago, was suddenly gone. He must have found someone, and I can still get kinda wistful thinking about what "might have been" (I have a very vivid imagination, and am pretty sentimental). I did contemplate contacting him two months ago - just to say "hi" - but it would have been an unwise move. I tried to stay busy with other things (and have plenty to do, so that part is easy).
I know our two situations aren't exactly the same, but - maybe the feelings resulting from them are. But maybe, I will send him a bdsm Xmas card, and we can be friends - I can thank him for getting me started in the right direction and giving me so much good information - because it IS working out w/my hubby as far as incorporating this stuff into our lives, and his info was "the catalyst" for that - his willingness and fate pointed me in the right direction.
In retrospect, knowing him turned out to be a good thing (I am pretty sentimental when it comes to thougtful gestures, and that took some retrospection, to reach that conclusion for me). Don't write him - someone else out there will want you and give you what you need - I just know it. Just try to have faith and see what happens.Something good is coming, it will happen when you least expect it, I think. Good luck. - susannah
< Message edited by susannah -- 10/26/2004 11:39:26 PM >
_____________________________
" I had been my whole life a bell - and never knew it until at that moment I was lifted and struck".
- Annie Dillard (1945 - )
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