RE: Changing the person you're with

RE: Changing the person you're with (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

meatcleaver -> RE: Changing the person you're with (5/25/2006 11:44:15 AM)
This reminds me of that old saying ' Women get the man they want and then change him into the man they think they wanted all along.' I had to laugh when my friend was going through a divorce, he said everything his wife complained about was what attracted her to him in the first place. She said she had matured, he said she had mutated. People change with time and can grow apart but its stupid choosing someone and knowing you want tochange them from the off.

Proprietrix -> RE: Changing the person you're with (5/25/2006 11:58:59 AM)
I have to add to this discussion that as a Dominant, I find it offensive when a submissive expects me to change them into the person they want to be. I see this a lot with submissives who want to lose weight, who want to become more motivated, who want self-discipline, a better paying job, a key-holder, etc… They come to me saying "I just need someone to whip me into shape. I need someone with strength to guide me because I’m weak. I need a Dominant to take control of the things I can’t take control of on my own." Nope. It just doesn’t fly with me. It’s a crop, not a magic wand. I’m not your therapist. I’m not your personal trainer. I’m not your happy pill. I’m not your spiritual advisor. Don’t offer your submission to me expecting me to be the cure to what ails you. I’m much more content with submissives who are adults, can take responsibility for themselves, who have inner strength, perseverance, and determination. There’s no reason why I need to take on the pity case of a sniveling, self-defined weakling who can’t hold themselves accountable for their own health and well-being. I think that pretty well sums up whether or not I start relationships with people whom I feel need changed.

MistressLorelei -> RE: Changing the person you're with (5/25/2006 3:50:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Proprietrix I have to add to this discussion that as a Dominant, I find it offensive when a submissive expects me to change them into the person they want to be. I see this a lot with submissives who want to lose weight, who want to become more motivated, who want self-discipline, a better paying job, a key-holder, etc… They come to me saying "I just need someone to whip me into shape. I need someone with strength to guide me because I’m weak. I need a Dominant to take control of the things I can’t take control of on my own." Nope. It just doesn’t fly with me. It’s a crop, not a magic wand. I’m not your therapist. I’m not your personal trainer. I’m not your happy pill. I’m not your spiritual advisor. Don’t offer your submission to me expecting me to be the cure to what ails you. I’m much more content with submissives who are adults, can take responsibility for themselves, who have inner strength, perseverance, and determination. There’s no reason why I need to take on the pity case of a sniveling, self-defined weakling who can’t hold themselves accountable for their own health and well-being. I think that pretty well sums up whether or not I start relationships with people whom I feel need changed. I agree with your point... I do not want a sniveling, pity case, nor do I want someone who expects me to make him a 'whole' person. However, in the beginning stages, I might meet someone who is almost a perfect match, if only he did or didn't ...( whatever). I might bypass him based on a limitation, or a behavior which I find to be crucial, and possibly this person would have been happy to change that behavior to end up in an otherwise ideal relationship. To me, a D/s relationship gives authority and power to the dominant, who is a teacher, trainer and provider of guidance for the submissive to follow. I would imagine it would be difficult to be in this sort of a relationship and not change aspects of the submissive..

feastie -> RE: Changing the person you're with (5/25/2006 3:54:42 PM)
No one possesses the power to change another human. The only person that can change someone is that person herself. To do that, she's got to want to do what it takes to implement the changes. Some things, however, can never be changed, want to or not.

juliaoceania -> RE: Changing the person you're with (5/25/2006 4:04:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: truesub4u Julia......LA...........I now know where i'm screwing up..... I don't want no one to change me....mold me....just accept me...for me....and should I decide to change something about me....that I am no longer happy with...then support my choice to change.... Oh well..... guess i'll continue screwing up.... it makes me happy....LOL Join the crowd, I was born screwed up and I have only managed to make it worse...lol I am always trying to change myself for the better, and I do not mind encouragement in that regard, but someone that wants to really CHANGE me, I have to ask, why are they with me in the first place???

slavejali -> RE: Changing the person you're with (5/25/2006 4:17:49 PM)
I think its natural for everyone to change when they enter a relationship and as the relationship progresses. Its like dropping two different ingredients into a glass of water, if the relationship is going to work, the ingredients are going to merge and become something entirely different to what they were as individuals. If the ingredients dont meld and change...the experiement is a failure and might as well be thrown down the drain.

juliaoceania -> RE: Changing the person you're with (5/25/2006 5:53:14 PM)
Yes jali, this is true, but that is different than a conscious changing because you are inadequate in the eyes of someone you love and respect isnt it? In your scenario the dom changes too, and that sort of change happens in vanilla as well as D/s relationships.

candystripper -> RE: Changing the person you're with (5/25/2006 6:19:16 PM)
O, ExSteel......"sexually satisified" <drools> lmao. candystripper

perverseangelic -> RE: Changing the person you're with (5/25/2006 7:24:01 PM)
I figured I'd throw my 2c into my own discussion here, though I've touched on it before. I don't think I'd be able to begin a relationship with someone who needed/wanted me to change at the outset. For me, that would cause too much insecurity and would do some pretty nasty things to my self esteem. That said, however, I take a great deal of pleasure in changing to please my Owner. While I can't speak for all s-types, I think a lot of what we -do- is change ourselves to please our Owners. We change our appearance because they prefer it, we modify our speach because they prefer being addressed in x manner. We change our actions because they'd rather we behave in such a way. I think if we say that we want someone who will love us as we are, we mean that we want our -brains- to be loved for who they are, and to be accepted as a whole person, worth of...well, worthy of whatever you want from your relationship, be that ownership, love, or whatever you find fufills you in all this. When I say it, I mean that I needed my Owner to come into this relationship loving me exactly as I was then. To come in without feeling that he needed to change me in order to be with me. Because he came into our relationship like that, becuase I know he loves me just as I am, I -desire- to change to better please him. I -want- him to tell me what he likes, so that I can become it. I think that the idea that s-types change themselves for their owners gets a bad rap. It makes us sound like we compromise our identitys or give up something of who we are. I think it's part of the nature of the game, at least the game as I play it. I would be compromising who I am by not being in an ownership relationship. Once that bit's done, all the other changes are purely superficial and so I can better please the person I belong to.

TemptingNviceSub -> RE: Changing the person you're with (5/25/2006 7:29:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ExistentialSteel You can help people to improve by doing nothing except making them secure, sexually satisfied, happy and not lonely. Do these things and they will stop negative behavior without you saying a word. ...Simple, to the point and IMO..accurate..a form if you will of positive reinforcement..but dont forget ExistentialSteel..there first has to be an initial attraction..and a willingness to care/love/live if changes are not forthcoming as well..Tempting

MistressLorelei -> RE: Changing the person you're with (5/25/2006 8:08:05 PM)
I would only involve myself with someone I like as a person ( his values, morals, and and character). I am not looking for someone to change, and I am not looking to change someone. But when the right person comes along, and I begin to feel there is a strong possibility of a relationship, we begin to bond, and care for one another, I would hate to throw it all away because I find out he does or doesn't display a behavior, etc which I find crucial to the relationship. There are parts of a person's character and past which no one can change, but there are also many ways to encourage a person to learn and grow, thus bringing about change in another. Typically the dominant is setting the course for the relationship, the submissive is following and often has to adapt to this course. It doesn't mean the dominant is not learning and changing as well. I think that if a dominant (or anyone) doesn't like the core person you are, then she/he still won't like you regardless of what she/he changes.

LadiesBladewing -> RE: Changing the person you're with (5/25/2006 8:35:17 PM)
One of the things that we look for is the person who is already on a road of growth. We tend to have individuals come to us who are already working on expanding their perceptions of themselves and the world, and who are both ready and willing to explore new tools in the process. I believe that it is impossible to change another person. The only way that a person will change is if he or she is motivated within him or herself to make changes, and the changes will always be the ones that are personally beneficial. An individual may attempt to change to fit someone else's idea of who and what he or she should be, but in the end, changes made for someone else without any sense of personal growth and benefit from the change in question almost always end in backsliding and a huge well of resentment. Change is a good thing. It marks our ability to adapt to our increased perceptions of our place in the world around us, and to work towards flourishing in that world. When we stop growing and changing, we start to stagnate, and eventually, whether our body continues on or not, we begin to die inside. I find it invigorating, challenging, and an incredible blessing to be able to work with people to help them to obtain their vision of themselves and assist them in becoming more "oneself" than they ever believed that they could be. At the same time, it is not my job to try to force people into becoming my vision of who and what they are. I can encourage, but the only useful motivation comes from the internal desire to do the work that comes with progression. I see my role as both a dominant individual and a spiritual and life-guide as being the structure and pillar against which an individual can strive. I provide a safe foundation on which the vision that a person has of him or herself can be built, and provide strength, direction, and tools that can be used in obtaining and maintaining that personal motivation to grow, change, and progress. What I do is not selfless. I thoroughly enjoy the success of those who serve in the House and who have grown from the experience. That enjoyment is my reward. Some will want to change just one aspect of themselves, and some will change from root to branch, but no matter how much or how little, every bit of progress is a huge rush for me. That is my "bennie" from choosing to take on the responsibility to dominate, protect, guide, direct and challenge changing human beings. ZWD quote: ORIGINAL: perverseangelic The post on weight got me thinking about the subject of changing one's partner, and rather than co-opt the thread I thought I'd start something new. What are your opinions on changing the person you are with, either physically or mentally? That is, do you think it's a good thing to find someone and mold him/her to your expectations? To find someoen who matches your ideas physically and change his/her mental outlook? To find someone whose brain you like and change his/her body? How about the degree? For example, do you think you would start a relationship with someone who -totally- doesn't match your critera or who has a factor that would otherwise disqualify him/her and plan on changing it (as in the fat thread someone who is overweight when you detest overweight people). What about getting involved with someone who is just slightly different than your criteria (a blonde when you prefer red heads). Do you think it's a good idea to enter a relationship -knowing- you want to change the person?

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Changing the person you're with (5/26/2006 5:53:59 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: juliaoceania Yes jali, this is true, but that is different than a conscious changing because you are inadequate in the eyes of someone you love and respect isnt it? In your scenario the dom changes too, and that sort of change happens in vanilla as well as D/s relationships. And that's pretty much my point as well. Before I got into a serious relationship with my local partner, he KNEW I wanted to get him going through a LOT of changes in his life. Some small, some big. Some just physical, some mental. That didn't mean I didn't love him or cherish him "just as he was" After all I'm not going to waste tons of time and energy on someone who may never get to the "ideal." But I know I'm happy to change a lot about myself to please someone else, and I'm ok with someone else being willing to do that for me. The fact that we do it because we KNOW who we are, we KNOW we will not compromise our sense of self above all else...I think that gives us a freedom that some people don't have to be ABLE to change.

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

1.757813E-02