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RE: Dating - 11/13/2011 2:07:14 PM   
HeatherMcLeather


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RE: Dating - 11/13/2011 2:31:24 PM   
seekerofslut


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Awareness

Initially, fucking three women at once sounds positive, but on reflection it would be a fucking nightmare.


My kind of nightmare

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RE: Dating - 11/13/2011 6:19:37 PM   
hausboy


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I'm taking a break on dating too (had no luck on POF or Match)  Most of the women were just plain...well... plain.  So I go to munches, I go to play parties...and I do lots of other things that interest me in the hopes that I'll hit the jackpot again.  I was with my spouse for 14 years and we were very compatible in terms of BDSM.  Hoping next time it is forever.

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RE: Dating - 11/13/2011 6:48:41 PM   
tiggerspoohbear


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I had quite dating, completely for well over 5 yrs.  And I wasn't going to go on that damned merry-go-round when all the men wanted was D/s from the start.  Sorry, nope, doesn't work that way for me.  It's taken 8 yrs loooong years to find the man who fits me perfectly.  And another 30 before that where I just picked em wrong all the time.

I finally decided I wasn't going to settle anymore, that I'd rather be by myself than with someone where it was one sided, and poof, there he was.   We'd been friends on here for about a year, juts chit-chatting, when after 2 disastrous attempts, 1 for each of us, made him ask and "why aren't we together then?".  Had to take a few days to think about it, figured out "yeah why aren't we?.  And now here we are, together, happy, L/D for now, but we talk, text and IM all the time, and I go there at least once a month.  It's working out beautifully so far.

We'd finally come to a place in our lives where we knew what we wanted out of a partner, had been hurt enough in the past not to want to make the same mistakes again, and have been keeping up with open communication and honesty.  When I wasn't looking, it happened, to both of us.


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RE: Dating - 12/4/2011 1:56:34 PM   
BillieAnn


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Hey guys, what do you think of this?
Did not really the case?
All this with dating, searching for partner ... I think they are right:
http://www.youtube.com/user/datinginthezone#p/u/8/gEC05wARWLE

(in reply to andromeda06)
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RE: Dating - 12/4/2011 2:46:37 PM   
DesFIP


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You think they are right not to talk about what you like and don't like? So what happens if your top activity is face slapping and he won't do it?

Beyond that, they assume that all men are happy to be sexually dominant and we know that isn't the case.

Lack of communication is never a good thing.


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RE: Dating - 12/4/2011 3:59:18 PM   
LafayetteLady


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Personally,  I make it a habit never to get my dating advice from youtube.

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RE: Dating - 12/4/2011 4:52:36 PM   
SimplyMichael


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I hate being single, lets get real even masterbation is better with a partner!

Yes, work on myself, enjoy my own company and all that but I want to share it with someone special. So do you date to fill the time? No cause if they arent someone you want, you either break their heart or you are bored. If they are amazing and you arent ready to settle down, they move on. The public scene is great for a lot of people but most are not my cup of tea. I meet some great women here but they never seem to be local.


Uh, there wasnt a requirement we offer solutions or anything was there?

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RE: Dating - 12/4/2011 7:51:54 PM   
SailingBum


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

That is a big part of why I am poly. I don't expect every single person to be everything to me.


That's a big part of why Im NOT poly. I don't expect one person to be my everything. I have lots of different kinds of relationships. I dont have to screw them tho.

BadOne


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RE: Dating - 12/5/2011 8:45:39 AM   
FrostedFlake


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From: Centralia, Washington
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quote:

andromeda06

I also can't seem to decide what's more important in order... do I look for a dominant man and then try and find one who is intrinsically a "good" person? Or do I look for a good person and hope like hell he's kinky and rely on my natural instincts to find one who's dominant?


I suggest you NOT make this decision and instead focus on seeking genuine affection. A man without real feeling for you cannot be worth your time, whatever skills he may be able to show off. A man with his heart set on you will want the entire person. I make the assumption you are looking for just one and you seem to be doing that too, but looking down this thread shows an alternative that seems to make some people very happy. Maybe you should date more than one man. Not so much to see which is best, but what is best.

quote:

HeatherMcLeather

I have no idea. I have "dated" two women in my life, and they both moved in. Either I am really lucky, or I'm in for a major fall soon.


You ARE lucky. Very. And you might fall. I doubt that is going to happen. If it does, it will hurt. But you need only stand up and you will be fine.

Sweat not, lest ye sweat.
FF


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RE: Dating - 12/6/2011 1:23:36 PM   
BillieAnn


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

Personally,  I make it a habit never to get my dating advice from youtube.

Video is more educational and safer then the forum, why not?

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RE: Dating - 12/7/2011 3:16:56 AM   
kalikshama


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Between the pauses, incoherence, and misconceptions, that clip was painful to listen to.

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RE: Dating - 12/7/2011 3:27:29 AM   
kalikshama


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quote:

I also can't seem to decide what's more important in order... do I look for a dominant man and then try and find one who is intrinsically a "good" person? Or do I look for a good person and hope like hell he's kinky and rely on my natural instincts to find one who's dominant?


I've had more success sizing up if alpha will translate to kinky IRL than online.

Sexual compatibility is very important for me so I go for kinky first and hope for relationship potential.

I met some great play partners here on CM, but I met the guy I'm now living with on OKCupid. We both alluded to BDSM in our profiles.


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RE: Dating - 12/11/2011 4:26:46 PM   
BillieAnn


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Why you think that?
That video has a point!!

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RE: Dating - 12/11/2011 6:01:41 PM   
Kaliko


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That was truly hard to listen to. He immediately translated the desire for a dominant man into sexual kinkiness within what...the first 30 seconds? And honestly, they sound like a couple of hornbags chuckling about the fact that they're willing to be agressive, "as long as she doesn't want to be slapped, and shit" as if that is a step or two beyond what a D/s relationship could reasonably include. It's like listening to teenage boys talk about something they obviously know nothing about.

What, exactly, is the point that the video has?


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RE: Dating - 12/11/2011 10:29:17 PM   
Casteele


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From: Near Sacramento, California, USA
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Still reading all the posts, but wanted to respond to this one now..

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady
Is it different for men looking for a woman? Who the hell knows, I only have my perspective as a woman looking for a man. However, given the number of men who want sex and then to see if they can build a relationship, it seems doubtful that we are going to here from many guys saying how all a woman wanted from him was his dick.


In my experience as a guy (not that I've had any as a gal :-P).. Yes, it's very different.

Like so many gender related issues, we seem to be wired in opposite directions in this regard, as well: Women I meet seem to want a relationship in hopes of building a great sex life. Why the difference? I could probably write a whole book on the topic (and still not be 100% certain I'm seeing things clearly..), but the obvious things aside.. (and acknowledgement that this is biased strongly in terms of male-female relationships only--again, I've no experience with other types)..

Imbalance: Whether it be due to social reason, or whatever reason, I've always seen an imbalance in dating. With some exceptions, the general rule is that for every female, "ten" guys are competing for one woman. For the most part, the only two attributes I've seen that really matter are that she be female, and appear approachable (some might interpret that to mean available, some as easy, but I think there's a blend of both there..). On the other hand, I only see maybe one out of ten guys that seem to have what it takes to get women to flock to them and vie for his attention.

The thing is, this reinforces itself.

Women have a larger pool in which to select a mate from, and become more selective; wanting only the best. She pretty much knows she can get sex if she wanted, so it's not such a big issue. (Again, there are exceptions, but this is a forum post, not a research paper :-P) Instead, she can focus on what this guys does or does not do for her. Does he make her feel special? Make her feel like his touch would tingle her from head to toe? And so on.

Many men have to pretty much have to take what they can get. They simply cannot afford to be selective. Especially when nature kicks in and tells us to start spreading our seed to insure our line carries on. While sex is not the most important thing in a relationship, even for a guy, I would argue that intimacy with our partner is a very important issue. And sex is one of the most intimate ways that we can be with our partner. We have many friends with whom we are not intimate with, and that is why they are just friends, not partners.

Okay, I'm cutting myself off here.. There's lots more I have in my head, but let's see where you all can go with this as is..
:-)


(in reply to LafayetteLady)
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RE: Dating - 12/11/2011 11:56:50 PM   
Casteele


Posts: 655
Joined: 12/10/2011
From: Near Sacramento, California, USA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: andromeda06
So I go back and forth between dating for awhile and then taking a break. (I'm mostly on a break)

First question, the same one I ask myself every day when I wake up.. Is today the day I am ready to get back in to serious dating? So far, the answer for me has been "no." It's not that I don't want to date, nor that I won't, nor that I am not dating at all. More that I am taking it lightly at this point. I do date, I do look, I do consider. But I'm not making a job out of it. Maybe you're only at this point in being "ready?"

One thing I see very often is people seem to conceptualize the whole process as:
1. In a relationship.
2. The relationship ends.
3. Take some time off dating to "heal", to "find yourself", et cetera.
4. After a year (or whatever timeframe), jump right back in, all guns blazing.
5. Find the perfect person and go right back to step 1.

I strongly disagree with this view. Why does it have to have those five discreet and concrete steps? Why do they have to have such clear divisions, where you go right from one step to the next?

I started "dating" again as soon as I became single, over a year ago. But my mindset was that I was not looking for anything serious--and understand that by that I do not mean that I was just looking for fun, either--Rather, I was looking to see what was out there and how I fit in to it. (Yes, I was very direct in telling anyone that I "dated" about that, if anyone asks. I've learned the hard way not to mislead others.. or myself.) To my surprise, I found out a lot about myself, and others, in doing things this way. I've made some good friends in the process, too.

I came to realize there are no absolute steps, and no stages, either. At least not in a way that we can measure them and say "You are at step/stage X, next is step/stage Y." It's much more linear, like slowly getting in to a cold pool. Put your toe in first to test the water. Then slowly slide your foot in. Don't just put your foot in whole in one quick step--slide it in so it can adjust as you go. Then work you way up to your knee. And so on. Before anyone calls these steps/stages, however.. I call them milestones. The point (toe, foot, knee, etc) is not important except to gage how far along you are. It's the transition between them that matters most. (I'm just not sure if I'm explaining it very well :-P)

quote:

I also can't seem to decide what's more important in order... do I look for a dominant man and then try and find one who is intrinsically a "good" person? Or do I look for a good person and hope like hell he's kinky and rely on my natural instincts to find one who's dominant?

Because honestly, that's a tough call. Being with a good person, one whom I connect with and have common values, is very important to me. As is having someone who understands my submission and the kind of dynamic I thrive in.

Do they need to be in order? Can't they both be equally important?

I have profiles on both 'nilla and kink sites, and sites somewhere in between and even on the "outside." I tailor each to the type of site, yet work hard to make sure whom I am and what matters most to me still shows through. I admit, however, that I do focus more of my time and energy on sites like this, as my lifestyle is integral to who I am, and not just a "fad." But even then, my approach to dating is the same on all sites: I do not look at every potential partner as a collection of attributes to see if they match my ideal person. In other words, whether someone here is submissive, masochist, in to being spanked, etc., I still see them no different than I would when I view a profile on a 'nilla site that only tells me they are into X type of music, loves going to Y movies, and has a collection of pink teddy bears. I simply see both as what I believe they truly are: People.

By making myself see them that way, I've also found I treat them that way. I do not automatically dismiss the pink teddy bears or the painslut, nor do I focus on it. Instead, I find myself wanting to know more about this person or that person, as a whole and complete person. Only then do I start to consider in what ways am I compatible with this person--not in terms of "do they and I share similar interests," but in terms of "do I think this person might be friend material, dating material, fwb material, shooting range material, and so on, or would we just be wasting each other's time?"

Not sure how to express the point I want to make here.. It's in my head, but I'm not seeing it come out in what I am typing :-(

Anyway, my answer to the question above is that since both seem very important to you, I don't think you should make either a priority. Try to balance them together. (If you ask "how!?," wait until I've had time to sleep and figure out how to express what's in my head..)

quote:

I want to somehow take parts and pieces of the men I've known and just squish them together.

Have you considered dating Dr Frankstein's monster? o.O

Could be worse; You could want a variety--Ever read "A Spell for Chameleon" by Piers Anthony? Think of Bink and how he finally found the perfect girl--one who changed every day from super smart to super dumb, from super ugly to super gorgeous, but never in the exact same mix/proportions. I envy him.

quote:

If I were reading this, I know all I would want to say is, "Suck it up. That's just dating. Patience etc." I also know that when I feel like this it's best to just stop for awhile. Which is hard for other reasons.

It's always easy to just say "suck it up," isn't it? Much harder to actually give the situation some serious though and figure out what you want and how to go about finding it. Can't say I've always been one to take the easy way out, seems like I'm just selling myself out, and far too cheaply.

quote:

It's just frustrating. And not in the ways my friends seem to deal with. It feels different. I've only been single for over a year and much of that was just spent taking time to make sure I was in the best place possible after my last relationship ended. I thought that was fairly responsible. But I had no idea I'd find it to be this ... hard. Am I getting old? Am I too picky? Am I getting that single disease where you get so used to being by yourself? I've always been in relationships and have always found it easy to have meaningful, happy ones. So what's the deal? Advice? Tell me to relax. Something. This profile may be new but that's because I was gone for years.

You're gaining experience, wisdom, and self-knowledge/self-awareness. And you're becoming selective. Age has little to do with it, and for something like this, there is no "too picky." You've been in a few relationships by now, and each has taught you something about yourself that you've found you can/cannot live with/without. Like so many here will say, don't settle! You're single again now because what you had before just wasn't.. right. So how can you possibly believe that finding something less than before would somehow work out right next time?

And remember, there's billions of people on this planet. The proverbial "finding a needle in a haystack" is child's play in comparison. Don't expect to find "The One" right away, or even after dozens or more attempts. You'll only frustrate yourself in to giving up and settling. You're already half-way to the right mindset: You've met a lot of people and you recognize their greatness in your life, while also realizing they are not "The One."  So instead of looking at the journey as long, hard, fruitless.. Look back at all the wonderful people you've met that you never would have known if you had not tried. Look ahead to how many more are out there that, even if they are not what you seek, they will still make the journey worth every step. And most of all, set it in your mind that "The One" is NOT the final destination of this lifelong journey; It is only where it truly BEGINS.

quote:

Hit me ... please :)

::grabs a paddle:: I'm not in to abusive beating, but by all means, bend over and beg for more..


(in reply to andromeda06)
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RE: Dating - 12/12/2011 10:58:02 PM   
Joycekane


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Yup, nice advice

quote:

ORIGINAL: andromeda06

quote:

ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet

Even though I consider myself kinky, I met my love on POF.  He certainly wouldn't have described himself as kinky, but I am extremely happy that he understands my needs and is willing to explore his kinky side.

I also dated some men I met here.  While some of them were nice, and they certainly could meet some of my needs, in the end, being with someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with is more important than getting spanked.  Being with someone who is loving, has a great relationship with his family, has a responsible and fulfilling job, a happy attitude towards life, and great expectations for the future are just as important to me as meeting someone who calls themselves a "dom".  My advice?  Look for a good person.  It lasts longer.



I'm fairly certain, after a few years of living with a wonderfully dominant man, that my submission is just as important to me. :)

However, the point you're making isn't lost on me. I hear ya. Thanks.



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RE: Dating - 12/13/2011 3:34:10 PM   
SireKane


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In my opinion, If you are a submissive female and you have been searching for a considerable amount of time, and you have not found what you are looking for,  you need to refine your selection process. Woman are flooded with emails from interested men. 

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Profile   Post #: 79
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