RE: Serial Abandonment As Abuse

RE: Serial Abandonment As Abuse (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

LadiesBladewing -> RE: Serial Abandonment As Abuse (5/28/2006 3:05:17 AM)
This is my personal opinion, a bit of a rant (just so nobody says I didn't warn you), is not directed at the OP or any specific individual, and may have no intrinsic value for any here, but my thought is that if you are with a person, online or offline, and that person ignores you consistently, without any explaination, it is time to forget them and get on with your life. In terms of voluntary victimization (aside from things like violent crimes perpetrated on our persons) we only become victims when we choose to allow ourselves to become trapped by our own choices. People may do things that are hurtful, unsuitable, mean, nasty, or unsafe -- and we have not only the right, but the responsibility to ourselves to decide when something is outside of what we are able to deal with, and to walk away. And when we -do- walk away, it is just as important to grieve over the issue for a bit, rant if we need to -- and then let it -go-. If we hold on to these things, and keep picking open the scabs, it allows that rude, insensitive person to continue to victimize us, practically by remote-control. (What this ends up becoming is is ongoing self-victimization by holding on to our pain and continuing to punish ourselves with it when there is no external force to punish us.) Each of us is responsible for his or her own happiness. Trying to put that responsibility in someone else's hands is asking for trouble. If this sounds like I am blaming the 'victim' here, in a way, I guess I am. As unpopular as it sounds, if someone continues to -choose- to stick around in a situation like this, or continues to accept this treatment from a variety of people, he or she is choosing the pattern. Even for those of us who are nurturing and service-oriented to the very -core-, this does -NOT- mean that we have to sit around waiting for Bozo the Dom to grace us with his online presence, get pissed off at the way we say hello, then ditch us until he's bored and decides to mess with us once again. I'm pretty damned sure people like that don't sit around at home thinking about how pitiful poor Subbie Sue must be feeling -- they're likely off talking to someone else, treating him or her just as rudely, and completely enjoying their own lives and their amazing skill at domination -- which NOBODY seems to understand... after all, they ARE the Dom's Dom, with 150 years of experience, and should be obeyed implicity just because they flipped their IM to "visible". This doesn't mean that I have no responsibility to the people that I intercourse with. Each of us has a basic responsibility to treat other individuals with common decency, respect, and to acknowledge that individual's basic human dignity. It doesn't matter whether in a leadership or support role, this is just basic common sense. I do my very best to accept and act on my responsibility to any communication going on. However, if someone does -not- treat me with respect, I am certainly not going to allow myself to be consistently victimized by that treatment. I'm going to look at that person, tell him or her that this situation just isn't working for me, and get the heck on with my life and find people to associate with who -will- show a measure of general, common respect. I won't dwell on it, and I won't feel constantly reminded of it... in fact, I'll likely never think of them again, after the first week or so (after I rant at my mate a bit about what a complete jerk-off that particular person was). To anyone out there who has accepted this behavior in the past, or is still accepting it now because some High and Mighty Person has told you you "don't deserve any better" or "you've been naughty, so you have to be punished" without giving you any idea of what you've done wrong, give yourself more respect than to allow yourself to be made miserable by idiots who have no common decency. Instead of waiting to be abandoned, if it gets beyond what you can deal with, be the one to say "this isn't right for me, and walk away and don't look back. Da'Avatar ZWD www.klashaan.org

ladyseekinglord -> RE: Serial Abandonment As Abuse (5/28/2006 3:13:22 AM)
PlayfulOne, I don't see that what you did was abandonment. If I were in here position, yes, it would have probably hurt, however, you communicated with her very clearly why you were having this time of separation and what she was to do during it. It is clear that your motivations were genuine rather than vindictive. She had a lesson to learn, and once she did, you embraced her. lady

iliv2servher -> RE: Serial Abandonment As Abuse (5/28/2006 9:20:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: juliaoceania I also wanted the dom/mes to understand that this form of punishment can end up abusive if the sub is not given a timeline of when they will be spoken to again, or how long the punishment will last. It just seems like a never ending anxiety attack to have it open ended for the sub. I see nothing positive about the treatment that you received. It was more about tearing you down in order to satisfy his own ego and lust for power, and in that sense, it probably was abuse. Hopefully, are no longer involved in this relationship. Others who may be more emotionally fragile might not have been as fortunate as you.

truesub4u -> RE: Serial Abandonment As Abuse (5/28/2006 10:42:22 AM)
Abandonment....... I have to admit.... I really never have i guess experinced this. Because I prepare for it? Someone wants to "teach me a lesson" by disappearing..... I write them off and go about my business. If and when they show their face again. I just tell them straight up..... the lesson learned.. is don't try to "teach me a lesson".... talk to me... or forget me..as I have you...goodbye. Edits to add....yeah..i'm a submissive that is a bitch too....lol...but it works for me...[;)]

Prunesquallor -> RE: Serial Abandonment As Abuse (5/28/2006 11:17:57 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: meatcleaver It's the only reason I can think of why people are so cavalier and ready to treat people like a piece of dog crap stuck to the sole of their shoe. I'm sure most of these people wouldn't treat someone the same way if they had to look the person in the eye. There is a large element of moral cowardice involved which really makes me laugh at this idea of online doms. Nothing wrong with the first part of your statement; it's quite true. What is wrong is that you then use this to imply that all online doms are cowards. As someone who has owned an online sub for over a year, I can assure you that I am not a coward. I treat my submissive with the greatest of care. Indeed, in many respects, an online relationship requires more care and empathy than a real time one, because you have to manage on fewer cues. A moral coward is a moral coward, whether they are online or not.

mellian -> RE: Serial Abandonment As Abuse (5/28/2006 1:57:39 PM)
My first Domme did that sort of, but did state how long it would last and we did still stayed in touched a bit on msn during that week or two of banning me from her as punishment. In hindsite, she punished me over something could have been better with and prevented with communication. -mellian

ownedgirlie -> RE: Serial Abandonment As Abuse (5/28/2006 5:30:37 PM)
Juliaoceania: I related to your OP in so many ways. First, to the others who say it's the submissive's responsibility for being hurt or abused, I will say ultimately and overall, yes I suppose it is. But sometimes a person enters a relationship still carrying leftover baggage she may not even be aware of. I for one, did that, and suffered the consequences. Oh if I were always as strong as I am now...but that is not the case. A level of compassion for others who are not as wise, strong, or experienced as the rest of us would go a long way. As for Julia's original post, I went through something very similar, only it was short lived. Was it real time or online? Well I don't know. We lived 20 minutes apart from each other but he only allowed me to see him a few times. He said I didn't deserve to see him. I was disrespectful. But what is disrespectful? I have seen posts here from people saying they can not fathom being disrespectful to their dom. Neither could I. But according to Michael, sending him 3 emails in one day was disrespectful because it was...hmm...how did he put it, "obsessive and irrational behavior." What did the emails say? Just some thoughts and experiences about my day, hoping he was well, thinking of him, letting him know what my schedule was, should he wish to see me. I was disrespecting him by telling him I was nervous to do something he wanted me to do. I didn't say I wouldn't do it, I just said I was insecure about it. I was disrespectful any time I didn't automatically KNOW what he wanted, even though what he wanted was never made clear. "Doms think this way, slut." So okay the guy wasn't a great guy. But this was my first "real time" experience and I was an insecure submissive who just wanted to get it right. He told me I wasn't pleasing, and that he doubted I ever COULD be pleasing. He would tell me things like, "Don't contact me for the next week while I decide whether or not I want to keep you." Or sometimes there wouldn't be a time line, he would just not respond for days...and days...and days... So, you could say he's a Master and that was his right. This would be true. But as a Master, do you want your slave to thrive or to whither? If I started out insecure, imagine what I was at the end. Fortunately another Master, who is a good friend, saw between the lines in my emails to him, which were basically emails which begged him to help me get it right so I could better please my Master. He witnessed my decline over a period of months and when he realized the problem was not entirely with me, but in large part to the way I was being handled, he helped give me the strength to walk away, which I did. I wrote a well scripted email which basically said, "Since I can not please you, and you do not have confidence in my ability to please you, and since you can not decide whether to keep me or not, I am deciding for you, and I am leaving this relationship." He replied with 2 words: "Be well." Fortunately I am with someone now who knows how to bring my mind to the right place, and who prefers to keep me close and focused on him, rather than send me off. He considers disobeying a form a disrespect. And one month into owning me, I blatantly disobeyed about something. Because of my past, I expected him to simply walk away from me, or to leave me hanging for awhile. He did not. He brought me to a cowering state with his words and told me what he thought of disrespectful girls, and told me what would happen if I did it again. But he did not leave me or ignore me, and because of that, I grew even closer to him, developed a LOT more faith and trust in him, and realized if I blow it, he will correct me - not throw me out. Julia I am glad for your thread. As someone who has had abandonmnet issues in my past, I can attest to the pain that can be caused. And yes, you did say it was a long distance relationship. I'm not sure why everyone equates that with online, or why it matters. I'm glad you're in a better place now. :)

marieToo -> RE: Serial Abandonment As Abuse (5/28/2006 6:46:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Calandra quote: ORIGINAL: BitaTruble Julia, Did he treat you that way because he didn't know how else to extract the behavior he wanted from you? I guess what I'm asking is 'why' someone would do this.. the post on the other thread, the submissive had disrespected her dominant not once, but twice.. and I took the away time as something the dominant needed to assess if she wanted to keep that submissive in consideration of a collar.. but from what I'm reading from you.. this may be something that is used not to assess the relationship.. but to hurt a submissive by withdrawing from them altogether.. as in teach a lesson perhaps because a dominant doesn't have the tools to do anything else? That just seems.. I don't know.. wrong somehow. IMO, that's not how you build relationships.. it's how you tear them apart. Celeste How does one define abandonment exactly??? For me, it was about being left to wonder whether or not the relationship was still in existance..That is how I would define the emotional blackmail thing. Abandonment is just that....being thrown to the curb and left. If I can use your example (If I'm misinterpreting, please let me know) You mentioned sending a sub to a different room for a couple of nights until they see the err of their ways. To me, this would not qualify as either abandoment or emotional blackmail, as it has been made clear to the sub, why this is being done and that they can come back when the lesson has been learned, or after the 2 nights in another room etc. You are in no way, scaring the submissive or causing doubt about the status of the relationship. Its simply a punishment within the relationship. That is way different than using the threat of ending it and leaving the sub in limbo as to whether or not you will ever take them back. There is nothing worse than feeling so desperate for that answer and sitting in limbo waiting for it. I would rather hear the words "it's over", than to go days and nights on end not sleeping wondering if you have a relationship left. Thats where the self esteem has to kick in and you have to say to yourself...."you know what? you fuck off, because I dont want to be submissive to someone who would do this to me". But, again, only experience can teach us these things and hopefully we grow and learn from it and we never have to allow ourselves to be manipulated in such a way ever again.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Serial Abandonment As Abuse (5/29/2006 8:42:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: PlayfulOne Truthfully at that moment I had no intention of it actually being a week, but she had no way of knowing. I think that's bullshit. Honest and communication are not just fu words and ideas to throw away when it suits your purpose. If you say you are going to do something knowing full well you have no intention of doing so- that's wrong. There are a hundred other ways you could have gotten this same point across without lying. Now- I agree with Sensual, calling it abusive isn't necessarily where I'd go with it. Breaking commitments is sucky, occasionally justified- but I'd have to see a fairly extreme case to label it abuse. Secondly, the reality is that a LOT of online doms, specially new ones, do NOT know how to discipline well or positively. A LOT of them are insecure dumbasses who seduced someone else for awhile. A LOT of them use negative manipulation tactics to scare the seducted one into going along with what the dom wants- and abandoning someone randomly and shoving irrational blame and shame onto them is an extremely common and effective way to do this. The best way to get out of this is to look inside yourself and ask if you're in this relationship because it makes you happy and fulfilled, or whether you're too scared to do anything else.

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3]

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

3.173828E-02