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LafayetteLady -> RE: Replacer/Filler Submissive? (11/17/2011 2:18:02 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: xxvioletdesirexx
This thought has crossed my mind more and more frequently lately. Several months ago I was released from a 5 year REAL LIFE relationship. It's been a tough road, but I finally got back on my feet, and I started to see someone as a play-partner/the ever so controversial "mentor" ....which he did do his job, he has helped guide me and get me back to a normal functioning human being. On several occasions though he asked me what I thought of him owning me potentially, or how I would feel if I were HIS submissive, even several of his friends in the lifestyle thought I was his submissive. But alas, the more time we've spent together the more I've learned about an "old flame" of his that is back in the picture, and all of a sudden the play has gone from a strong 10 to about a 5 and its fading. While we do maintain a great friendship. I'm kind of upset with myself, because I told myself I would shut off all "feelings" in that aspect towards him as he was a mentor/teacher/guide. And apparently I wasn't able to do just that.
This is the EXACT reason that so many people have issues with the whole "mentor" concept. Either the dominant is looking for a "foothold" on being able to build a relationship with the person (which is dishonest) or over time, the people involved develop those feelings they didn't think they would. A "play partner" or "mentor" should not APPEAR to be be someone's dominant nor should the submissive appear to "belong" to that dominant. Apparently, that is something you both did.
quote:
So that got me thinking (which is never a good thing LOL) and then I started to realize in my last relationship I was the "second" submissive in a poly household, I always came second, if not last sometimes (there was one more submissive), which it never bothered me (until now). And when the "first" submissive chose to exit the lifestyle completely but remain with our Master as his girlfriend, I became "first" submissive.... and then several months later, former "first" submissive wants in again, and then boom, back to "second" submissive I go... which I was fine with at the time. And I know not all of you will agree with this, and that is fine, you live the lifestyle how YOU want, this is how we chose to live it, so please don't bash it.
Don't confuse people telling you that you have made mistakes in the way you conducted your relationships in the past to be "bashing" the type of lifestyle you choose.
As littlewonder said, it would appear that at the very least, you have some subconscious self esteem issues. These issues have led you into relationships where you weren't as important to your partner as he was to you (assuming "he"). That is something within YOU, not the lifestyle.
There are a good number of people here in poly relationships who are deleriously happy. Yay for them. YOU, on the other hand need to ask yourself some serious questions, starting with, do you REALLY want to be in a poly relationship or have you felt that was the "best" you could do?
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Anyway, back to the point at hand, it has occurred to me that I have never been the "pride and joy" submissive, I have always been second, last or the replacer/filler that bides the time for the Dominant until what they truly want comes back to them.
Have any of you experienced/done this with your or a submissive before?
Honestly? It doesn't sound as if you, deep in your heart of hearts, want to be poly. It sounds like you would really llike a monogomous, one on one, commited, loving relationship that encompasses a D/s dynamic. It would seem, that upon reflection, you realized that when you got "bumped up" to "first submissive," you found you liked the position. Although, you do need to realize, you were still "second," since his primary partner simply left the lifestyle for a while.
I'm a firm believer that if one needs someone to "guide them" back to being a functional human being, they should seek a therapist, NOT a dominant (unless of course, said dominant is also a therapist). Sure, you can have a dominant friend to play with (if play partners is your thing), and people within the lifestyle that are friends. Friends are supportive of your emotional issues without expectations of behavior. Friends support your journey regardless of where it leaves you. The only "true" in the lifestyle is friends. No such thing as "true" dominant, or "true" submissive. But a "true" friend is universal. A friend isn't going to throw you over for the better deal that comes along, or the "old deal" returning.
I'm not bashing your choices, but telling you to look in the mirror and tell yourself that you deserve to be first in someone's life and damn it! You aren't going to settle for less. If once you have examined not simply what occurred in these past relationships, but the reasons YOU settled for being second, you still believe you want to be poly, go for it and good luck. But if you decide you don't want to share your partner with someone, you have that right, regardless of submissiveness.
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