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Couple o' newbies - 11/17/2011 12:31:07 PM

abusetoi

Posts: 2
Joined: 8/6/2010
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Hello. I wonder whether I might be able to get some advice. I am currently in conversation with a potential mate, but I think she may have a personality that, to some degree, is dominant.

She denies this, and says she loves me, but there is the problem of her behavior being inconsistent with her beliefs about the nature of her personality.

What can I (should I) do to more accurately determine the extent of her dominant tendencies; at what point do I give up and release her (we go way back 28 years to high school); and if I can show her the extent of her dominant tendencies (behavior), how can I attempt to persuade her into considering the value of letting go of her dominant tendencies and embracing more submissive behavior?

Thanks in advance for any advice you may offer.

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RE: Couple o' newbies - 11/17/2011 12:46:12 PM

NiceButMeanGirl

Posts: 2756
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From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
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It sounds like you'd rather mold her to be what YOU want, rather than letting her be what SHE wants. For that matter, maybe she's just not sure where she lands yet on the D/s continuum.....D, s, or switch. Would you be willing to let go of YOUR Dominant tendencies for someone else? There are lots of Dom/Domme couples out there......

NBMG

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RE: Couple o' newbies - 11/17/2011 12:58:49 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14414
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
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quote:

ORIGINAL: abusetoi

Hello. I wonder whether I might be able to get some advice. I am currently in conversation with a potential mate, but I think she may have a personality that, to some degree, is dominant.

So?

quote:

how can I attempt to persuade her into considering the value of letting go of her dominant tendencies and embracing more submissive behavior?

What is that value? Because I don't see a lot of value in giving up part of who you are, just because someone else can't handle it.

quote:

Thanks in advance for any advice you may offer.

I'm an alpha. Most dominant men would tell you I'm not submissive, when the reality is that they're not alpha enough to get me to feel submissive.

So, really, this is your problem, not hers. You can't accept how she is and figure out how to deal with it, so you want her to change.

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RE: Couple o' newbies - 11/17/2011 1:06:17 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
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I'm dominant at work, equal outside the bedroom (although I do serve him domestically), and submissive in the bedroom. Works for us!

Where exactly is her dominance a problem?

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RE: Couple o' newbies - 11/17/2011 1:18:20 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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You either want to be with her or you don't. It IS that simple. If her personality bothers you now it will bother you even more down the road. You can't change a person's personality. It is who they are.

If you think she's a dominant personality towards you then you're probably right and if you're looking for someone more submissive she sure as hell isn't going to work out for you.

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RE: Couple o' newbies - 11/17/2011 3:54:32 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: abusetoi

Hello. I wonder whether I might be able to get some advice. I am currently in conversation with a potential mate, but I think she may have a personality that, to some degree, is dominant.

Conversation? What about developing a relationship? Perhaps it was just your wording.

quote:

She denies this, and says she loves me, but there is the problem of her behavior being inconsistent with her beliefs about the nature of her personality.

Perhaps the bigger question here is, do YOU love HER?

quote:

What can I (should I) do to more accurately determine the extent of her dominant tendencies; at what point do I give up and release her (we go way back 28 years to high school); and if I can show her the extent of her dominant tendencies (behavior), how can I attempt to persuade her into considering the value of letting go of her dominant tendencies and embracing more submissive behavior?

Ok, so you are only in conversation, you want us to tell you some kind of "test" you can give her. You obviously don't love this woman, but more what she represents, regardless of how long you have known each other.

Would you like someone to try to change who you ARE in order for you to love them? "Persuading" someone to do something in a relationship is really more like "pushing" and "bullying." Never bodes well for the relationship when you are talking about "persuading" a person to change the nature of who they are for you.

Here's a whacky thought. What kind of conversations are you having beyond, "I think you are dominant, not submissive?" Ok, she is "denying" it and professing love, but do the two of you have conversations where you say, "well, when you do this, it is contradictory to what I believe a submissive would do? Be sure to include that bold part, because it really is just what YOU believe, not the rule, regardless of what it is that she is doing that you deem dominant.

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RE: Couple o' newbies - 11/17/2011 6:30:19 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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Perhaps she has to be dominant because you don't make good enough decisions for her to feel comfortable submitting to you. After all, she would be foolish to let someone make decisions that aren't in her best interest.

Beyond this, it sounds like you're talking to an old school girlfriend you haven't seen in years. Which means you're both carrying preconceived notions of who the other is. You aren't the people you were nearly 30 years ago. Why not meet and date and see if you actually like the people you now are.

In general, attempting to rekindle those long last relationships is not a good idea. After all, you weren't sufficiently compatible back then, so why would you assume you magically will be after such wildly different adult experiences?

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RE: Couple o' newbies - 11/17/2011 7:29:18 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
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I'm not exactly sure I understand the nature of your dilemma. Any relationship, whether it's kinky or not, is based on the compatibility of the people in it. If you aren't compatible with her than you don't hold out hoping for her to change, you do know that usually leads to frustration yes? She thinks the two of you will work, if you don't believe that to be true then let her go.

Someone may come along and decide she's the perfect submissive, the label doesn't really mean much. If her variety of submissiveness suits you is the only thing that really matters- if it's not enough, then you'll be happier in the end finding someone more in tune with you.

Plus, people sometimes think they're something that they aren't - who knows why. Their own perceptions don't match yours. It doesn't really matter though unless you don't find them appealing to be with. My man thinks he's quiet but he's come out of his shell being around me. All I can say is that there are times when he never stops talking and I cannot imagine him ever having a shell. It works for me though, even though I don't know where he gets this 'shell' idea from. I spent 17 years being married to someone that rarely spoke, so this man talking is literally music to my ears, whereas to some he'd drive them nuts.
It all comes down to what works for you....either she does or she doesn't.

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RE: Couple o' newbies - 11/17/2011 7:30:36 PM

poise

Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: abusetoi

Hello. I wonder whether I might be able to get some advice. I am currently in conversation with a potential mate, but I think she may have a personality that, to some degree, is dominant.
She denies this, and says she loves me, but there is the problem of her behavior being inconsistent
with her beliefs about the nature of her personality.

I often feel that I can take on the world without breaking a sweat, and there are many that wouldn't
doubt my ability to do so. This does not make me dominant, it just makes me capable of handling myself.

You claim she is merely a potential mate. It would be presumptive of you to expect her to
modify her behavior to suit your preconceived notion of how a submissive should act.

I don't mean to be insulting, but you are coming across like many of those men that will email submissives
demanding that they do something in order to prove how submissive they are.
If you haven't gotten past the conversational stage and yet you already have her feeling
defensive, I don't imagine there is enough motivation on either end for this to go further.

quote:

ORIGINAL: abusetoi
What can I (should I) do to more accurately determine the extent of her dominant tendencies; at what point do I give up and release her (we go way back 28 years to high school); and if I can show her the extent of her dominant tendencies (behavior), how can I attempt to persuade her into considering the value of letting go of her dominant tendencies and embracing more submissive behavior?

Easy there tiger! How would you be in a position to offer her release if she is only a potential mate?
If you want her to let go of her dominant tendencies (which many submissive women rely on as a
means for survival in the big world) then be a man thats strong enough for her to surrender that safety net.

However, if you have known her for 28 years and she still doesn't ring your Dominant bell, then perhaps
she is right for you in every way except for a Dominant/submissive relationship.

< Message edited by poise -- 11/17/2011 7:34:09 PM >

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RE: Couple o' newbies - 11/17/2011 8:01:38 PM

JanahX

Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
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quote:

What can I (should I) do to more accurately determine the extent of her dominant tendencies; at what point do I give up and release her (we go way back 28 years to high school); and if I can show her the extent of her dominant tendencies (behavior), how can I attempt to persuade her into considering the value of letting go of her dominant tendencies and embracing more submissive behavior?

I would take a ruler and start measuring by millimeters and then divide that by 3 and then weigh that factor in terms of 10 X the fourth degree. That usually .. but not ALWAYS will accurately give you the correct result of how dominant the tendencies are.

If these numbers do not add up ... kick the bitch to the curb by all means.

< Message edited by JanahX -- 11/17/2011 8:02:38 PM >

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RE: Couple o' newbies - 11/19/2011 6:29:55 AM

stellauk

Posts: 1360
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My advice?

Take people as they come, believe what they tell you, and if you want to develop something further consider what you are prepared to change, let go of or embrace within yourself to get there.

Relationships are very simple. Either you want to be with someone or you don't and generally speaking, you want to be with them to share the experience of being two individual people going through life in alignment. Expectations are there only to complicate matters, and you decide for yourself how simple or how complicated you want things to be.

Seems to me from what's presented here that you don't create a relationship by exploring or getting to know the other person, but from whether someone meets your expectations or not.

There's a lot of lonely people out there who are lonely not because there's anything wrong with them, but simply because they've convinced themselves that they haven't met their match, i.e. someone who fulfills all their expectations.

Interest yourself in art, not the frame you're walking round with. Look for the work of art knowing that when you find it, you'll have no problems finding a frame.

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RE: Couple o' newbies - 11/19/2011 7:23:09 AM

Fornica

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People don't generally fit into the labels that we try to squish them into.

Relationships don't need to be defined. Talk. Find what works for you *both*.

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RE: Couple o' newbies - 11/20/2011 11:23:42 AM

MasterSlaveLA

Posts: 3991
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quote:

ORIGINAL: abusetoi

I am currently in conversation with a potential mate... at what point do I give up and release her

1) First, this nonsensical "release" fantasy bullshit is exactly that.

2) The fantasy garbage aside, she'd have to be YOURS before even considering letting her go -- which she's VERY CLEARLY NOT.

Hint: Hey big boi, much to your dismay, "conversation" does not equate to commitment... and the probability is likely higher that she'd "release" (i.e., dump) YOU for being dominant enough for her.

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