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RE: Is BDSM a choice? - 11/28/2011 12:26:39 PM

LillyBoPeep

Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadamDouceVoix

I enjoy who I am now but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't curious every now and then as to what I would have been like were I not so terribly manipulated in My youth.

I wonder this, too.
I mean, there are plenty of people who get here via the road of clear pasts and happy families, so I don't think it matters for everyone. But I do still wonder if, for some of us, it does matter.

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica

(in reply to MadamDouceVoix)

Post #: 81

RE: Is BDSM a choice? - 11/28/2011 12:29:15 PM

MistressDarkArt

Posts: 5178
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: submaleinuk

I honestly believe being dominated and humiliated is the most damaging think for the mind that there is.

For your mind, perhaps.

I personally know many submissive men who are among the happiest, engaging, fulfilled, loving and well adjusted people I've ever met both in and out of the lifestyle. Two of them happen to be my partners. They both thrive on domination and one enjoys humiliation, as long as I am dishing it out in context. I know which buttons to push without damaging his psyche and emotional core. These wonderful men grew up in loving homes, were not abuse victims, and have healthy self-esteem. They've simply learned to reconcile their D/s leanings with the other elements of their life by choosing partners who treat them honorably, affectionately, and with respect.

Lifestylers can be perfectly functional, well-adjusted people. If you read nothing else, that's your take-away from this post.

< Message edited by MistressDarkArt -- 11/28/2011 12:30:32 PM >

(in reply to submaleinuk)

Post #: 82

RE: Is BDSM a choice? - 11/28/2011 12:32:56 PM

MadamDouceVoix

Posts: 17
Joined: 11/23/2011
Status: offline

That's the beauty of individuality and diversity.
When I was younger and a lot angrier, I was terribly jealous of people who were able to have "normal" relationships, devoid of violence and "perversion".
I felt jipped and disoriented, clutching the shitty end of a very warbled stick.
But I am, for the most part, very self aware and happy with who I am as a person and while I may not have had a choice in My formative years, I have one now...I am utterly and ecstatically a Kinkster and a Domme.

_____________________________

Teeth like razors, mouth full of honey...
Always for the Love, sometimes for the money...
Voice to make you solid, blades to make you bleed...
Always for the Pleasure, never for the greed...

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 83

RE: Is BDSM a choice? - 11/28/2011 1:25:48 PM

submaleuk12

Posts: 92
Joined: 9/4/2011
Status: offline

But your only a domme because of abuse, it's like you've accepted that and settled for it rather than dealing with the emotions behind it.

(in reply to MadamDouceVoix)

Post #: 84

RE: Is BDSM a choice? - 11/28/2011 1:29:25 PM

MadamDouceVoix

Posts: 17
Joined: 11/23/2011
Status: offline

It's not ONLY because of abuse. It played a moderately governing role when I was younger...but having dealt with most of My issues in this regard, as I itemized in My last post, I made the choice in the latter and present part of My life.

_____________________________

Teeth like razors, mouth full of honey...
Always for the Love, sometimes for the money...
Voice to make you solid, blades to make you bleed...
Always for the Pleasure, never for the greed...

(in reply to submaleuk12)

Post #: 85

RE: Is BDSM a choice? - 11/28/2011 1:32:35 PM

submaleuk12

Posts: 92
Joined: 9/4/2011
Status: offline

Ok I can only do what's best for me, and feels right for me, if I go with my own feelings id day it feels unhealthy so I guess I got to work towards getting away from it.

(in reply to MadamDouceVoix)

Post #: 86

RE: Is BDSM a choice? - 11/28/2011 1:35:31 PM

LillyBoPeep

Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadamDouceVoix

When I was younger and a lot angrier, I was terribly jealous of people who were able to have "normal" relationships, devoid of violence and "perversion".
I felt jipped and disoriented, clutching the shitty end of a very warbled stick.
But I am, for the most part, very self aware and happy with who I am as a person and while I may not have had a choice in My formative years, I have one now...I am utterly and ecstatically a Kinkster and a Domme.

I can really relate to all of this. ^_^ Except i'm on the other side of the slash.
I was really jealous of other people, but angry, and bitter, and I took it out on others sometimes, knowing I could get away with it.
Always feeling like I had to protect myself, or strike first in case they tried to make a move on me. :p
But I've dealt with a lot of it, and found a pretty happy place over on the /s side of things.

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica

(in reply to MadamDouceVoix)

Post #: 87

RE: Is BDSM a choice? - 11/28/2011 1:38:30 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

I'm completely content and happy being submissive and humiliation has no place in my relationship. You are painting things to look like everyone is as you are and they are not. If it's unhealthy for you then by all means get out of it. I have never been happier since finding my spot in this type of life and I look forward to the future. It's always a danger to enter a conversation making assumptions about others.

Btw, I don't think people push others around on this board or try to Dominate them. I see a lot of healthy people with excellent BS detectors debating topics and giving their opinions. All in how you look at it. You may want to discuss with your therapist why you have such a victim mentality.

(in reply to submaleuk12)

Post #: 88

RE: Is BDSM a choice? - 11/28/2011 1:43:33 PM

submaleuk12

Posts: 92
Joined: 9/4/2011
Status: offline

I don't think I have a victim mentality. Just to me it feels unhealthy so I'm getting help for something that I feel is damaging, I don't like handing over power or being controlled it annoys me, I feel depressed if I allow it to happen, like the other guy on the last page he hates it too but doesn't know how to get out of it, I think him also getting help would be a good things, you say not to make assumptions yet in the next paragraph you make an assumption about me.

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 89

RE: Is BDSM a choice? - 11/28/2011 1:47:28 PM

submaleuk12

Posts: 92
Joined: 9/4/2011
Status: offline

I wont tell other people what to do, I'm sure I sound like a hypocrite with this user name but i tried it and didn't like what it did to me, any men who's dominated is gonna feel bad, certainly any I know, I would say I fucked up by trying it but hopefully I can move on.

(in reply to MadamDouceVoix)

Post #: 90

RE: Is BDSM a choice? - 11/28/2011 2:50:14 PM

Arienos

Posts: 161
Joined: 10/5/2011
Status: offline

quote:

any men who's dominated is gonna feel bad, certainly any I know, I would say I fucked up by trying it but hopefully I can move on.

If you feel it necessary to justify or confirm your truth and logic or establish the soundness of your conviction, this is not the place to accomplish that. Go within, listen to the guidance there, then have the courage of your conviction.

(in reply to submaleuk12)

Post #: 91

RE: Is BDSM a choice? - 11/28/2011 3:03:59 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: submaleuk12

I don't think I have a victim mentality. Just to me it feels unhealthy so I'm getting help for something that I feel is damaging, I don't like handing over power or being controlled it annoys me, I feel depressed if I allow it to happen, like the other guy on the last page he hates it too but doesn't know how to get out of it, I think him also getting help would be a good things, you say not to make assumptions yet in the next paragraph you make an assumption about me.

No assumptions made on my part, you have made a case for your victim mentality all by yourself by your own words throughout various posts. Btw, I wasn't looking down upon you for viewing yourself as a victim....see how you're making assumptions again? Just that since you're getting help you might want to look into that part of things. You could have asked if you weren't sure instead of assuming I was snarking.

I'm sorry that you feel the way you do and yes, submission is unhealthy for you if you feel taken advantage of and unhappy. However, it is not that way for everyone. Just because you and one other guy feel the way you do does not mean that the rest of the people into doing what they do are unhappy about it.

(in reply to submaleuk12)

Post #: 92

RE: Is BDSM a choice? - 11/28/2011 3:23:35 PM

hangemhigh1953

Posts: 245
Joined: 7/8/2011
Status: offline

I've been wondering. Because I know for a fact my dad watches bondage porn but he's so sexually repressed he never would have actively tried to get me into it.

_____________________________

"Chains of love got a hold on me,
when passion's a prison you can't break free"

(in reply to MrBukani)

Post #: 93

RE: Is BDSM a choice? - 11/28/2011 3:33:31 PM

Tantriqu

Posts: 2026
Joined: 12/29/2006
Status: offline

Beautifully said!

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressDarkArt

quote:

ORIGINAL: submaleinuk

I honestly believe being dominated and humiliated is the most damaging think for the mind that there is.

For your mind, perhaps.

I personally know many submissive men who are among the happiest, engaging, fulfilled, loving and well adjusted people I've ever met both in and out of the lifestyle. Two of them happen to be my partners. They both thrive on domination and one enjoys humiliation, as long as I am dishing it out in context. I know which buttons to push without damaging his psyche and emotional core. These wonderful men grew up in loving homes, were not abuse victims, and have healthy self-esteem. They've simply learned to reconcile their D/s leanings with the other elements of their life by choosing partners who treat them honorably, affectionately, and with respect.

Lifestylers can be perfectly functional, well-adjusted people. If you read nothing else, that's your take-away from this post.

_____________________________

"Then I did the simplest thing in the world. I leaned down... and kissed him. And the world cracked open." - Agnes de Mille

(in reply to MistressDarkArt)

Post #: 94

RE: Is BDSM a choice? - 11/28/2011 3:44:26 PM

Mazterlock

Posts: 24
Joined: 11/28/2011
Status: offline

I lead a very vanilla life, I walked away from BDSM for a few years. I came to understand that for me, my sexuality and my passion for M/s experiences are tightly intertwined. My earliest fantasies during puberty rooted in BDSM long before I had any idea what that really meant. I spent years not realizing that there were whole communities of people who would understand what I was all about. For me, being a Master is deeply rooted in who I was born to be.

(in reply to caelestis)

Post #: 95

RE: Is BDSM a choice? - 11/28/2011 6:31:25 PM

sheisreeds

Posts: 578
Joined: 7/8/2008
Status: offline

I have to echo some other responses, and say:

Yeah technically it's a choice but it's one between happiness and misery.

All my kinky relationships, the good, bad, and just plain ugly? I look back on fondly, I felt alive, whole, and content.

Vanilla relationships? I look back and feel empty, somber and sad.

My ex switch partner pulled me aside right before my wedding and told me he was worried for me because the light had gone out of my eyes. For people who knew me all the way through it was a noticeable shift.

I'm a hardwired masochist, I feed on struggle (internal or external), power plays and pain get me going, soft touches and cuddles do not. They are nice, but I'm not in the mood until someone's hair gets pulled.

I think for me it is part experience, and part temperament which likely has some connections to genetics. Likely someone with my same genes, but completely different life experiences wouldn't turn out like me. The reverse is likely true as well.

But it is something that was always there. I knew I was a masochist when I was 5, I had predicament related fantasies from a young age, the sadist was there too, but needed to be nursed to health in my twenties.

When I turned 18 my best friends took me to the kink club because they knew that was where I belonged.

However, I don't think kink is the same in everyone. I think it is a complex thing, and what causes it to become an interest for a person is variable. I think the degree to which it is a need (vs desire) is variable as well.

_____________________________

~ s.

Oh my darling, give me reason
give me something to believe in

You need a spankin' baby!

(in reply to Mazterlock)

Post #: 96

RE: Is BDSM a choice? - 11/28/2011 8:00:35 PM

MalcolmNathaniel

Posts: 1394
Joined: 9/20/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LookieNoNookie

It has to do with (and I've actually done college level work on this) vegetable eaters.

Vegetable eaters (non meat eaters, to be specific) are more attuned to the BDSM lifestyle.

It's a protein thing.

It may be sad...but it's science.

Bad science. Not bad as in evil, bad as in poor thinking. I like beating women and I eat meat. A lot. Vegetables are what food eats.

I don't know what college you went to, but they didn't teach you the scientific method or strict scientific protocol.

(in reply to LookieNoNookie)

Post #: 97

RE: Is BDSM a choice? - 11/28/2011 8:12:22 PM

MalcolmNathaniel

Posts: 1394
Joined: 9/20/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Epytropos

Nothing is choice. Free will is in opposition to both causality and quantum probability. I realize this sounds like sophistry, but it's highly applicable - there is no practical difference between heredity, genetics, nature, nurture, choice, or whatever else. None of it is substantively different. It all comes from causality, much of which we can trace through chemistry and the rest of which can be drawn a priori.

That is a very dark way to view the universe.

Here is another view of the same phenomena: Maybe freedom of choice exists in the cloud of probability that Pauli's uncertainty principle gives to each and every electron. Maybe a certain cat will be neither alive nor dead but will claw it's way out of the box instead of waiting for the phial to break.

Maybe free will exists between the particles. If you take the totality of all particles in the universe and the unlikelyhood of their position and velocity then you will begin to realize that....OH! LOOK! PRETTY GIRLS!

Wait, what were we talking about? Never mind, I'm sure I'll remember what it was.

(in reply to Epytropos)

Post #: 98

RE: Is BDSM a choice? - 12/1/2011 5:37:23 AM

submaleinuk

Posts: 19
Joined: 10/12/2011
Status: offline

Here's a good article on bdsm

http://www.gaystraitjacket.com/smcause.htm

(in reply to MalcolmNathaniel)

Post #: 99

RE: Is BDSM a choice? - 12/1/2011 5:39:52 AM

submaleinuk

Posts: 19
Joined: 10/12/2011
Status: offline

Sorry lizi but I feel angry just racing your posts, I don't agree with any of it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi

quote:

ORIGINAL: submaleuk12

I don't think I have a victim mentality. Just to me it feels unhealthy so I'm getting help for something that I feel is damaging, I don't like handing over power or being controlled it annoys me, I feel depressed if I allow it to happen, like the other guy on the last page he hates it too but doesn't know how to get out of it, I think him also getting help would be a good things, you say not to make assumptions yet in the next paragraph you make an assumption about me.

No assumptions made on my part, you have made a case for your victim mentality all by yourself by your own words throughout various posts. Btw, I wasn't looking down upon you for viewing yourself as a victim....see how you're making assumptions again? Just that since you're getting help you might want to look into that part of things. You could have asked if you weren't sure instead of assuming I was snarking.

I'm sorry that you feel the way you do and yes, submission is unhealthy for you if you feel taken advantage of and unhappy. However, it is not that way for everyone. Just because you and one other guy feel the way you do does not mean that the rest of the people into doing what they do are unhappy about it.

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 100

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