Am I more submissive or dominant (Im a switch but cant decide)

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All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Switch >> Am I more submissive or dominant (Im a switch but cant decide)

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Am I more submissive or dominant (Im a switch but cant ... - 11/24/2011 9:41:14 AM

l0stKitt3n

Posts: 2
Joined: 11/23/2011
Status: offline

Hello Everyone,
I am caught in a dilemma. Please forgive me in advance Im horrible at explaining things but will try my best;
I have had many relationships, most "normal" & vanilla. I have been with 3 doms, 1 sub, & 1 tranny sub. (all male if that makes a difference)
For me it is a turn on to submit someone into doing what I ask & require of them. It is satisfying to see they will do all I ask with no question just to love & satisfy me & get the same in return. I love my subs, & will do anything for them to make them happy and satisfied. However for me dominance is mental & emotional. When it comes to me sexually Im more of a sub. Yes i love to tie a man up & force them to do what they are told, but to be on top or be in dominant positions I get bored easily. I like to be rough housed & forced into position. I love to be restrained & slapped around in bed, how can this be? I dont want to confuse my sub & ask them to play a dom role in bed so I always lead an unsatisfied life in the bedroom as a dom.

When I have been in relationships that require me to be sub it is very hard for me mentally & emotionally. I am stubborn, I rebel & often test my master. i keep telling myself If i can find the proper master i will be able to relinquish all control & that one day these boundaries can be broken down. Ive given myself fully to my doms only to be hurt & let down & left stranded with no further training. This has taught me to only rely on myself. Because of this distrust it is hard for me to become close to a dom, or perhaps I just havent found the right one. For me control is a constant battle. I feel confident being in control, but just cant sexually get off o it. I have been told numerous times Im a switch.. this seems like some sort of bi-polar battle & I dont know whether to focus on being dom or sub & just maybe in time with the right training & knowledge I will be what makes me & my sub or dom happy. Whatever my calling I want to be it 100%. Im tired of being both.
What do I do?

< Message edited by l0stKitt3n -- 11/24/2011 9:45:00 AM >

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RE: Am I more submissive or dominant (Im a switch but c... - 11/24/2011 9:53:00 AM

tolovetolaugh

Posts: 648
Joined: 4/30/2008
Status: offline

Concentrate less on finding a Dom or sub, and work on finding an amazing kinky guy you can have a healthy relationship with.
Once you have the trust and fun down, since you are so adaptable the kink might just fall into place and work itself out.

_____________________________

That which yields, is not always weak. —
Jacqueline Carey (Kushiel's Dart)

I wrote a porn!
http://www.collarchat.com/m_3840531

(in reply to l0stKitt3n)

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RE: Am I more submissive or dominant (Im a switch but c... - 11/24/2011 9:48:01 PM

Ilayda

Posts: 58
Joined: 9/3/2011
Status: offline

Let me preface this by stating that I'm not and have never been active in the lifestyle, so someone more experienced should refute me if they see fit.

That said: Does it really matter?

You say you want to find your "true calling" and be one or the other entirely... but you're drawn to both. Maybe your true calling is to be a mixture, or maybe it's to be one or the other at different times. Maybe it's to be one or the other in different relationships at different times or simultaneously.

My advice is simple: Explore it. It might be useful to find a Switch to explore it with (as you might find one who's okay with submitting to you outside of the bedroom and domming you within it - or at least alternating in one or both places). Otherwise, if casual play is your thing, that's an avenue you could explore to figure out whether dominating or submitting is more sustainable for you in a long-term relationship. Lastly, and I say this a little hesitantly, if poly is something you're not opposed to/can handle/you're capable of, then you could always attempt to pursue a relationship with a dominant while pursuing one with a submissive (that brings up all kinds of potential problems, but I thought I'd throw it out there).

I guess my other piece of advice is... If what you're looking for is a long-term relationship, it might be better to figure out who you want to be with in one before "deciding" you'd like to be dominant or submissive. If you have the capacity to be happy as either and you meet someone you want to date, you shouldn't bar yourself from trying a relationship arbitrarily. That's different than deciding you can't sustain, say, submission long term - this is more of a warning against arbitrarily deciding so you no longer carry the label of "Switch." As you alluded to, you might not actually be content fitting into either one 100% all of the time - and that's okay. Also as you said, it might just be a matter of finding "the right person."

Otherwise, you state that you're sexually submissive and otherwise can be dominant - maybe you're capable of being dominant but don't enjoy it. If that's the case, well, I don't think you'd be incorrect to call yourself a submissive and be done with it. If that's not the case, you might simply get something from domination that is valid and gratifying but not sexual, which is also fine.

I can't tell you what you are, but I'll mention that this description of you makes you seem like you're leaning submissive. But that's just my impression based on a few paragraphs. *shrug*

(in reply to tolovetolaugh)

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RE: Am I more submissive or dominant (Im a switch but c... - 11/24/2011 9:51:54 PM

JanahX

Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline

I love it when things are way overthought.

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The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

(in reply to l0stKitt3n)

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RE: Am I more submissive or dominant (Im a switch but c... - 11/27/2011 11:15:02 AM

BoxwineForBrunch

Posts: 184
Joined: 11/14/2011
Status: offline

you're more submissive. i can tell by your pouty expression and the way your hair falls into your eyes.

you're welcome.

yr pal,

boxwine

_____________________________

you have achieved success. but have you achieved success at success at success?

(in reply to l0stKitt3n)

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RE: Am I more submissive or dominant (Im a switch but c... - 12/2/2011 9:23:13 PM

LookieNoNookie

Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: l0stKitt3n

Hello Everyone,
I am caught in a dilemma. Please forgive me in advance Im horrible at explaining things but will try my best;
I have had many relationships, most "normal" & vanilla. I have been with 3 doms, 1 sub, & 1 tranny sub. (all male if that makes a difference)
For me it is a turn on to submit someone into doing what I ask & require of them. It is satisfying to see they will do all I ask with no question just to love & satisfy me & get the same in return. I love my subs, & will do anything for them to make them happy and satisfied. However for me dominance is mental & emotional. When it comes to me sexually Im more of a sub. Yes i love to tie a man up & force them to do what they are told, but to be on top or be in dominant positions I get bored easily. I like to be rough housed & forced into position. I love to be restrained & slapped around in bed, how can this be? I dont want to confuse my sub & ask them to play a dom role in bed so I always lead an unsatisfied life in the bedroom as a dom.

When I have been in relationships that require me to be sub it is very hard for me mentally & emotionally. I am stubborn, I rebel & often test my master. i keep telling myself If i can find the proper master i will be able to relinquish all control & that one day these boundaries can be broken down. Ive given myself fully to my doms only to be hurt & let down & left stranded with no further training. This has taught me to only rely on myself. Because of this distrust it is hard for me to become close to a dom, or perhaps I just havent found the right one. For me control is a constant battle. I feel confident being in control, but just cant sexually get off o it. I have been told numerous times Im a switch.. this seems like some sort of bi-polar battle & I dont know whether to focus on being dom or sub & just maybe in time with the right training & knowledge I will be what makes me & my sub or dom happy. Whatever my calling I want to be it 100%. Im tired of being both.
What do I do?

I'm confident you've gotten some excellent advice here, but....it's all bullshit.

Only I know the correct answer:

Purchase a BMW (no more than 3 years old...leather seats, CD player, etc....preferably gray.....shows less dirt), drive to Spain (or have it delivered there and fly). Put $3,200.00 in your purse.

Hit the nearest on ramp.

Head North.

Turn left a lot.

Call me in the morning.

(in reply to l0stKitt3n)

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RE: Am I more submissive or dominant (Im a switch but c... - 12/2/2011 11:55:19 PM

Clickofheels

Posts: 603
Joined: 10/23/2011
Status: offline

I am sooooooo glad someone started this thread. I finally have the opportunity to address this with MY experiences!

I can't begin to count the number of messages I've gotten from male switches AND MALE DOMINANTS who, when I say I am interested in neither of their preferences (thank you anyway), come out with this "Oh! I'm actually more submissive than Dominant" line, and the nightmare is on.
Although it clearly states in my profile that I am not into Switching of any kind, I am suddenly bombarded with insults, name-calling, swearing, and any number of
accusations from my message senders to the point that necessitates me blocking them.

Although I don't begrudge people their interests (for the most part), I refuse to play mind games nor be bullied by these folks. I am not a person that assumes one role one day, and a different the next. Nor am I on this website to help you figure out who you are (I've had SEVERAL requests for that too!)

If you wish to be a Switch, by all means do. But please, I am truly NOT interested in starting nor maintaining a relationship with you!

Thank you!
Clickofheels

(in reply to LookieNoNookie)

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Post #: 7