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Just starting a Domme/sub with the wife - 11/28/2011 10:30:45 PM

curioussubhub

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Joined: 11/26/2011
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Hello all.

I've been doing plenty of research on my own, but nothing beats first hand knowledge, so I figured here would be a great place to seek advice.

My wife and I after 10 years of marriage have reevaluated our "place" in the relationship. We have always been 50/50, for the most part. However, in a deep discussion it started to come out that what we really need is for her to take over. She was a little apprehensive at first, but has really started to embrace the idea.

Although this has primarily applied to our "outside the bedroom" life and the discussion of D/s has never really come up - I feel several elements of D/s life truly still apply.

With that out of the way, I have two questions I've been trying to seek an answer for, unsuccessfully. The first, is aside from open communication (which we have, and do) what are some good ways of helping my wife to see the benefit of fully embracing a D/s lifestyle, as well as applying that on a more sexual area?

My second question, is my wife traditionally was slightly submissive sexually. As she begins to embrace her more dominant side and my naturally submissive side, will this translate into the bedroom? Or is it possible that outside of sex she will be in control while sexually she will look to me to be in control?

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RE: Just starting a Domme/sub with the wife - 11/28/2011 10:37:45 PM

Lockit

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Joined: 5/7/2007
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If your wife is truly into this she will be excited enough to seek out the information she needs or wants. For you to seek it and push it isn't a good idea. If she is really into it, she will seek and find. You cannot do it for her and I won't encourage you as much of the time the submissive husband is behind the change and education of the wife and in my opinion she is to become a topping service to his kink.

Bring her here if she really wishes to know anything and I am sure she will get the information SHE seeks.

< Message edited by Lockit -- 11/28/2011 10:42:25 PM >

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RE: Just starting a Domme/sub with the wife - 11/28/2011 10:50:04 PM

MistressDarkArt

Posts: 5178
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What Lockit said. All of it.

First off, kudos to you for being open with your wife about your need for this dynamic, and giving her first crack at establishing something which is hopefully satisfying to you both.

Second, we get posts like yours all the time here. As far as I recall, all were guys pushing for this. If this is more about your kinky hopes, you're doomed. If your wife can read and type, she will probably be able to get more inside skinny here than you can. Personally, I'd start you out with D/s OUTSIDE the bedroom. If you couldn't embrace that, there'd be no reason to reward you with the delicious kinky stuff INSIDE the bedroom.

Good luck, and welcome to CM. Enjoy the journey.

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RE: Just starting a Domme/sub with the wife - 11/29/2011 4:52:24 AM

Fornica

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Every relationship is different. Talk to her, explore with her, and figure out what works for you guys.
Also, what they said.

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RE: Just starting a Domme/sub with the wife - 11/29/2011 4:58:56 AM

kalikshama

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Joined: 8/8/2010
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quote:

I'd start you out with D/s OUTSIDE the bedroom. If you couldn't embrace that, there'd be no reason to reward you with the delicious kinky stuff INSIDE the bedroom.

*Snicker*

quote:

The first, is aside from open communication (which we have, and do) what are some good ways of helping my wife to see the benefit of fully embracing a D/s lifestyle, as well as applying that on a more sexual area?

Positive reinforcement.

quote:

As she begins to embrace her more dominant side and my naturally submissive side, will this translate into the bedroom?

Nothing is outside the realm of possibility, including this:

quote:

Or is it possible that outside of sex she will be in control while sexually she will look to me to be in control?

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RE: Just starting a Domme/sub with the wife - 11/29/2011 5:21:38 AM

curioussubhub

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Thank you very much Lockit, MistressDarkArt, Fornica, and kalikshama for the responses.

MistressDarkArt, I should clarify, that right now it is more of a D/s relationship outside of the bedroom. Nothing has changed for us sexually. We are still 50/50 (well, more 70/30 me/her, in that regard).

I do understand the hesitation of the responses wondering if I'm "pushing" for this, or trying to "top from the bottom." That is a legitimate concern for myself as well. I want her to be able to explore this on her own time, in her own comfort. She may come to realize that this isn't for her. Which is fine, I certainly do not want to force her into a style of relationship she is not comfortable with.

Along those same lines, I am primarily focusing on non sexual D/s type things. If it becomes a sexual relationship that would be great, but that is not my expectation at this time. Also, I should note that I am not looking for her to do any "scene" type activities at this time, nor do I think that would come any time soon. Things like kneeling, licking her boots, being paddled, etc. do not seem to be her forte, and as is I will not force that upon her.

I think what I'm seeking mostly is how I can best get my wife to embrace this new style of living. As well as tips for myself. We are coming from a relationship where I was the decision maker, I was in charge, I was the initiator. Much stress and tension has come about, and I personally feel that it is because I am not naturally inclined to lead.
With that, I am much more concerned with the well being of my home life then my own sexual perversions.

Lockit, you mentioned bringing her here. For reasons that I'm not comfortable explaining in a public forum, I don't see that as a viable option. Yes this is "anonymous" internet, but I still like to keep some things to myself. I can, however, tell you that by exploring a D/s site, it would likely bring up the sexual connection to this lifestyle. As I mentioned earlier, right now that is not the intent, and likely not something she is comfortable with. That may change, it may not, but I don't want to turn her off to the idea of living this way outside of sex, simply because she's not comfortable with it inside sex.

I hope that's cleared up a few things. Again, thank you all for the responses you've given. They have been quite helpful in pointing me in the right direction and helping me to better understand how I should be proceeding with this.

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RE: Just starting a Domme/sub with the wife - 11/29/2011 5:27:10 AM

kalikshama

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quote:

I personally feel that it is because I am not naturally inclined to lead.

It doesn't really sound like she is either...

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RE: Just starting a Domme/sub with the wife - 11/29/2011 7:15:59 PM

curioussubhub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

It doesn't really sound like she is either...

What makes you say that?
The fact that this is something we've mutually reached I guess could give you that impression. The fact that she/we are overcoming 10+ years of living as a male dominating couple, I suppose could also give that impression. But I don't think it's too far out there to think that although it is harder for her to "come out to the open" with this than it is for me that she is unwilling or unwanting.

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