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Could really use some insight - 11/29/2011 4:18:26 PM

alpine1968

Posts: 3
Joined: 2/15/2011
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Hello I'm a 43 year old male going through something of a midlife reasesment of my desires. For the last several years I have been looking into the lifestyle, kind of fell into it looking at a former employees(James Mogul) work. It triggered some real curiousity and I started thinking of myself as a dom, not really becuase of my interests, but more self profiling. I'm a big masculine outdoorsy guy, and I really just stereotyped myself into the domminant role. My wife has been quite supportive, both in participating and allowing me to explore outside our marraige in a limited way. What I have found is that I'm not sure I fit any role. When playing as a domminant, I'm not really domminant. What I really enjoy is serving women, I like being told what to do, but not in a forecful way. I guess the role I enjoy is one of a more sensuall servant. At times I'm somewhat physically aggresive, more taking the lead, than domminating, I'm not passive. Maybe an example would explain it, I'm never more aroused than when giving a woman an orgasm with my mouth. I do enjoy recieving pleasure myself, but not as much as I enjoy pleasing. I really like to look at a woman as a godess to serve. Odly none of this makes me feel at all demasculated. For some reason being the pleasure giver makes me feel powerful, and alive. I posted here in the switch section because well its a guess. My question is how would any of you more experienced in the lifestyle categorize me? Is this common? Any feedback would be appreciated?
Thanks Chris
P.S. Sorry for the horible spelling

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RE: Could really use some insight - 11/29/2011 6:14:19 PM

caelestis

Posts: 195
Joined: 9/6/2008
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Sorry, this isn't going to be what you want to hear, but...

You're really the only person that can define what you are. Also, you don't have to fit any particular label if you don't feel that they suit you.

Concentrate less on labels and more on exploring what you enjoy!

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"We are a fountain of shimmering contradictions, most of us. Beautiful in the concept, if we're lucky, but frequently tedious or regrettable as we flesh ourselves out."
— Gregory Maguire

(in reply to alpine1968)

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RE: Could really use some insight - 11/29/2011 7:43:02 PM

RexCorvus

Posts: 84
Joined: 11/27/2011
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While I'd agree that in the end you're the best person to determine what label (if any) you'd like to go with, I'll be happy to tell you what I think based on your post. Just be advised that I could be an idiot, so don't assume my take is right. And don't be in a rush to lock yourself into a particular role. Being able to describe yourself as submissive, dominant, or switch can be useful (like, say, when filling out your profile), but don't get carried away thinking you need to do it RIGHT THIS SECOND.

Anyway, it sounds to me like you're more on the submissive side than anything. I could make guesses about why you thought you might be dominant initially - maybe in your mind submissive men were physically unimposing and passive, and since you aren't either of those you figured you must be more on the dom side. As you describe it, though, what you're calling aggression sounds more like passion. You throw yourself into what you're doing, but you want to be directed by your partner. Being submissive doesn't have to mean you feel powerless or tremulous, and getting joy out of serving someone else is one of the reasons it's so appealing to many.

Could you be a switch? Sure. I mean as long as you know the secret handshake, you're in the club. But I'm not reading anything in your post that makes me think you're what most people would commonly think of as a switch. Since no one voted me the God Emperor of Switches that counts for exactly nothing, so by all means collect more data points.

(in reply to alpine1968)

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RE: Could really use some insight - 11/29/2011 8:13:47 PM

Suleiman

Posts: 1127
Joined: 9/9/2004
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I think you said it yourself - you don't feel emasculated by the act. I think you may be mistaking submissive for sissy (a common stereotype to fall into). A submissive is not effeminate, is not a doormat, is not brainless or opinionless. A submissive is just a human being who prefers to follow their partner's lead and take care of them. Problem is, that's often true for a dominant as well. Call yourself a "caring, service-oriented dominant" and you're just as right as calling yourself a "strong, assertive, service-sub". Maybe you're neither. Maybe you're *just kinky*. It needn't go farther than that.

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Think of my verbosity as a sort of litmus test for our relationship. I write in a manner identical to how I speak and how I think. If you can not cope with what I have written here, it is probably for the best if we go our separate ways.

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RE: Could really use some insight - 11/29/2011 10:22:46 PM

domincalifornia

Posts: 88
Joined: 6/7/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: alpine1968

Hello I'm a 43 year old male going through something of a midlife reasesment of my desires. For the last several years I have been looking into the lifestyle, kind of fell into it looking at a former employees(James Mogul) work. It triggered some real curiousity and I started thinking of myself as a dom, not really becuase of my interests, but more self profiling. I'm a big masculine outdoorsy guy, and I really just stereotyped myself into the domminant role. My wife has been quite supportive, both in participating and allowing me to explore outside our marraige in a limited way. What I have found is that I'm not sure I fit any role. When playing as a domminant, I'm not really domminant. What I really enjoy is serving women, I like being told what to do, but not in a forecful way. I guess the role I enjoy is one of a more sensuall servant. At times I'm somewhat physically aggresive, more taking the lead, than domminating, I'm not passive. Maybe an example would explain it, I'm never more aroused than when giving a woman an orgasm with my mouth. I do enjoy recieving pleasure myself, but not as much as I enjoy pleasing. I really like to look at a woman as a godess to serve. Odly none of this makes me feel at all demasculated. For some reason being the pleasure giver makes me feel powerful, and alive. I posted here in the switch section because well its a guess. My question is how would any of you more experienced in the lifestyle categorize me? Is this common? Any feedback would be appreciated?
Thanks Chris
P.S. Sorry for the horible spelling

Forget about labels. The title "sub," "domme," "switch" or whatever isn't meant to put you in a little box that dictates which of your behaviors and likes are "wrong" or "right." The titles are meant to be only broad categorization so your basic attitude toward BDSM.

So instead of saying, "I am LABEL," simply say, "I like ABC" and "I don't like EFY."

If you approach things that way, you can never be wrong, because you'll simply be you.

(in reply to alpine1968)

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RE: Could really use some insight - 12/1/2011 4:44:01 PM

stellauk

Posts: 1360
Status: offline

Okay, let me start here a different way.

Let's say you have Congress which approves $250 million to set up a new welfare program.

Coming from the Republicans this would be conservatism with social justice.

Coming from the Democrats it would be called something different.

However the decision and the action remain the same.

Similarly I enjoy doing stuff to make people happy. I can do this on either side of the kneel.

As a sub, I can be a service sub. As a dom, I can be a servant leader type.

Same interaction, same activites, same effect. Only the labels are different.

The bottom line here is that it is person to person, human to human.

The labels are just there to define, communicate, give other people an idea.

What the labels actually mean when they refer to you is something which is as individual as you are.

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Usually when you have all the answers for something nobody is interested in listening.

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RE: Could really use some insight - 12/2/2011 1:12:37 PM

ejmichaels

Posts: 51
Joined: 11/11/2010
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Like the previous person said, labels can be somewhat helpful, as long as they don't put restrictions on you. People sometimes need to know what to call things, at least temporarily. If you need a label for now, to help think about this, here's what stands out to me in your post:

"What I really enjoy is serving women, I like being told what to do, but not in a forceful way. I guess the role I enjoy is one of a more sensual servant."

= Submissive of some kind, or at least a bottom. (Yes, that's obvious. Keep reading)

I'm not passive.... I'm never more aroused than when giving a woman an orgasm with my mouth. I do enjoy receiving pleasure myself, but not as much as I enjoy pleasing. I really like to look at a woman as a goddess to serve.

Again, some sort of bottom, but possibly not very submissive.

"For some reason being the pleasure giver makes me feel powerful, and alive."

Subs/bottoms have a type of power and strength. Among other things, everyone should be able to feel they are good at what they do. Submitting does not make you less of anything.

I could be wrong about the label, but if you wrote me a letter asking to serve me, and explained it this way, this is the impression I'd form at first.

Did I put enough qualifiers in here? I'm just trying to address the question about what category/label this resembles, even though that's not how things are in real life.

< Message edited by ejmichaels -- 12/2/2011 1:15:21 PM >

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RE: Could really use some insight - 12/6/2011 4:56:25 PM

alpine1968

Posts: 3
Joined: 2/15/2011
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Thanks, to all of you who took the time to give thoughtful responces. You gave me allot to think about, really appreciate you sharing you insight.
Chris

(in reply to ejmichaels)

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Post #: 8