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Trying to overcome fears - 5/29/2006 10:47:51 PM

littlepetkana

Posts: 26
Joined: 11/23/2005
From: Kansas
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One of the reasons- of which there are many, too many to list and some to vague even to my own mind to articulate- I enjoy my slave position is because I have a hard time explaining what I want.

In vanilla and BDSM, I can always make my partner understand what is right for me, but it is very hard for me to articulate some of my fantasies, because my first "real" relationship with a man it was made clear to me that these were inconsequential, even bothersome and disturbing.

My Master requested of me tonight when He left me to email Him a list of my kinkiest fantasies for us. I have REALLY tried to sit down and write, and if He asked for a story, or anything of fiction, I could comply. But I am having a lot of problems doing this.

I am really concerned with disappointing Him again, since we... not fought, but He argued his extreme disappointment with me that I have not trusted Him to have my best interests at heart about my health, and about my well-being when it comes to dealing with my male company I sometimes keep. He was correct, of course, and I want so much to show Him that I am willing to obey and be a good pet. But this is a very difficult task He has set before me.

I have written (but not sent... yet) an email explaining this, and asking for more time to compose myself and work on this- both His task and my emotional state- for Him.

What I ask of you is, how does a slave show that they want to be obedient if they are having problems completing a task in the stated amount of time, and am I being... too liberal with myself, letting myself ask for this?

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RE: Trying to overcome fears - 5/29/2006 10:58:09 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
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How long did he give you to complete the story? Rather than ask for an extension right off the bat (that's what it sounds like, unless I have misunderstood), what if you tried to write it, and only if you came up against roadblocks, then ask for help?

As for having trouble writing about something you would like - - do you like to please him? If so, write a story about doing something that pleases him. Put yourself right there in it. Include how you feel about what is taking place - both physically and emotionally. Close your eyes and visualize it happening. Write in detail. Pick something "safe" at first, since it appears this is your first time doing it. Rather than get bogged down with the pressure of coming up with something, take a deep breath, close your eyes, and think about something really cool you would like to do with him. Then let your fingers take off on the keyboard...

(in reply to littlepetkana)

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RE: Trying to overcome fears - 5/29/2006 11:30:53 PM

diamonddreamlove

Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
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i understand how this feels completely as i have the same type of problem. i am fine in person and enjoy plzing so much but when asked to share my fantasies i freeze and find i have no voice. With a patient Sir i am learning to let that part of me out a little at a time. Until i can let the fantasies out i will not be whole and can not give all of myself to One. It is certainly an incentive. Ty ownedgirlie your suggestion will come in handy as i try to work on my own problem. Ty littlepetkana for having the courage to ask the question i too have struggled with. Hopefully we will both get help on this thread.

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RE: Trying to overcome fears - 5/29/2006 11:31:15 PM

leakylee

Posts: 747
Joined: 7/2/2004
Status: offline

hello,
I dont know how to advise you exactly on your whole delimma, but if you can let yourself come through in your words it might help. If you can picture what your responses might be, try small things, like your breathing, the sounds you might make. Sometimes just writing down a series of actions can be daunting, but if you attempt to put yourself into the situation like Ownedgilrie, mentioned it really helps. Then breaking it down into the small details can help narrow the scope, so to speak. I hope that helps.

love and light
lee

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I am so not right, that I left..

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RE: Trying to overcome fears - 5/30/2006 1:05:44 AM

Padriag

Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
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Two suggestions

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlepetkana

I have REALLY tried to sit down and write, and if He asked for a story, or anything of fiction, I could comply.

First is, do exactly that. Write up each fantasy as though it were fiction. Create a series of short stories. I would be delighted to have a slave write such stories about her own fantasies for me to read. Its very much in the vein of A Thousand And One Nights. However, you might want to ask your owner if this is permissible. I imagine it will be, but better to ask than be sorry.

Second suggestion, pick up a copy of The Right to Write by Julia Cameron, you may find it helpful not only in writing fiction but in learning to express yourself in general.

Best of luck,

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Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

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RE: Trying to overcome fears - 5/30/2006 1:29:09 AM

keme

Posts: 163
Joined: 4/26/2006
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Ok gonna try to not confuse anyone with my ramblings...
First if he is your Master then you trust him enough with your body... to not share your heart, mind and soul is stealing and lying...
Second if you are not yet ready to share that intimately give him some of the less fearful fantasies and tell him you need time to properly word the rest.
Third be completely honest that this has brought up a 'landmine' in you and you would like his understanding and ultimately help to get through to it, defuse it, and get rid of it.
Fourth there are tons of threads pouring through this venue find someone whom you have come to respect and ask them if they would mind hashing this out with you. From what I have seen most regular post-ers here may get frustrated with stupidity but if asked for honest help they have a plethora of information or real time situations to pull from.
Fifth ask him if you can use writing a story to be able to get that fantasy out... sometimes being able to get it out that way makes it easier to accept.
Mix and match any of the above anyway you wish BUT know you should always be completely honest with your Master... and if you need understanding I pray he is able to give it.

< Message edited by keme -- 5/30/2006 1:32:48 AM >

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The path I choose is not for everyone... it is mine alone... and my responsibility to reach the end of it making as much positive influence as I am capable of and being as true to myself as I can be.
~keme

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RE: Trying to overcome fears - 5/30/2006 7:00:07 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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I'm going to bet that this master guy is pushing too hard too fast and making you feel bad about your communication problems rather than actually being constructive and taking the time to go the distance in the long term.

There's a time to push and a time to let you push yourself. The road you seem to be going down is the wrong one. I know that's not very good or helpful advice- your master is wrong and going about things in a sucky way, but I think it's true.

Do what you can in the email, and then have a long talk with him about the fact that you think you should take things slower. In 5 years you will be together- what's the rush to write down all your fantasies in one night?

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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