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Chemical castration as a cure? - 1/1/2012 2:38:39 PM   
lildude81va


Posts: 30
Joined: 12/10/2011
Status: offline 		I have often wondered about the dynamic between my very low self-esteem, depression, self-hatred and my kinky sexual preferences. It's obviously not something I would feel comfortable discussing with a professional as some of my kinks are really out there and while not illegal are looked down upon by vanilla and lifestyle folks alike. I started getting interested in just about anything BDSM related when I saw a couple of adult movies around the age of 10 or so. The joys of growing up in Europe where TV wasn't heavily censored and porn was regularly shown after 2AM. One of the movies was about a plantation owner who brutally whipped and sexually abused her slaves and the other was Tokyo Decadence which showed a variety of fetish scenes involving bondage, whipping, humiliation, asphyxiation, and watersports. I don't fully understand what drew me to it since at that age I was otherwise still innocent and haven't even had my first crush yet. Still, those images were somehow imprinted and between a lack of normal interaction with women coupled with an excessive sex drive have turned into an obsession.

While I have always had low self esteem, depression and self-hatred really seemed to take a hold of me around age 14 or 15 and have been present ever since with episodes of suicidal thinking starting around the age of 18. My sexual needs have gone completely unfulfilled for the most part; at age 18 I hired a dominatrix which was a wonderful experience but other than that and a few one night stands in college I have not had any kind of physical relations with a woman. I'm now 30 years old and it's been close to a decade since I did as much as kiss someone. Given my ever deteriorating mental state, complete lack of social skills, unremarkable appearance, and now even unemployment and soon homelessness there is obviously no chance for me of ever meeting any woman willing to enter a relationship with me, let alone finding someone who is open to my kinky desires. I tried professional counseling and various medications but to this day nothing has helped and my doctors ended up forcing me into a hospital and severing the relationship after months of no progress and increased suicidal thinking. This was a few months ago and due to my financial situation I have not been able to seek any further treatment, not that it would do anything anyway.

Part of the problem is that I feel tremendous guilt over being a "pervert" to the point where it oftentimes seems to be worsening my depression. Of course there is also an opposing view to take as my sexual fantasies, unfulfilled as they may be, have been able to distract me in situations of extreme distress. Still, overall I would prefer to live without any sexual desires whatsoever and be free of the guilt that results from them. When I was prescribed Zoloft it completely killed my sex drive for close to 3 weeks and it was wonderful, I could go through my day without a single sexual thought. It was nice to be able to view even good looking women as just people without having any dirty thoughts creeping up. Something that is impossible when my sex drive is intact, as little as a woman wearing high heels will arouse me and I'll spend the next 20 minutes fantasizing about being crushed under them, it's ridiculous and obviously utterly disrespectful even if I don't act on it and don't say anything. Unfortunately none of the antidepressants had any lasting effect on my sex drive, even when prescribed at higher than recommended doses my sex drive always returned with a vengeance once my body adjusted to the drugs. I am starting to wonder if maybe chemical castration would be something I should consider. No idea what the cost is but it can't be any worse than the money I have wasted on porn and other ways of satisfying my needs. Anyone have any experience with this?
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RE: Chemical castration as a cure? - 1/1/2012 2:52:05 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
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Status: offline 		I think your assumption that your sexual preferences would be met with disdain were you to talk to a professional is in error... some might be that way but were you to find a kink-aware professional you would most likely find yourself accepted -as is- there.

I think your perception has to do with the self-disdain you feel.

My opinion (for what it's worth) is that professional counseling with someone who does cognitive behavioral counseling would help you to learn control over your own desires... more work than taking a pill, of course but it would be empowering for you; and you could work on your low self-esteem issues as well.

Edit to add:
https://ncsfreedom.org/resources/kink-aware-professionals-directory/kap-directory-homepage.html

Some people there might be willing to either offer sliding scale or a referral to someone else they know who is not listed.

< Message edited by angelikaJ -- 1/1/2012 2:54:59 PM >

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RE: Chemical castration as a cure? - 1/1/2012 3:16:05 PM   
lildude81va


Posts: 30
Joined: 12/10/2011
Status: offline 		The psychologist I was seeing was a specialist in cognitive behavioral therapy but it seemed like it would be ineffective as long as I'm too depressed to make an active effort to better myself. I don't think that seeing a kink-aware therapist would be particularly helpful in my case, I understand that kink can be integrated into a normal and healthy sexuality but in my case is just seems to be something that gets me into more trouble, both psychologically and in other areas of life. I have been relatively good about not letting it affect everyday life and most people who know me seem to assume that I'm either gay or asexual because I have learned to hide my sexuality. Still, I have found myself engaging in ever riskier behavior such as buying dirty panties and worse things that I'd rather not mention online that could obviously be very detrimental to my health. Probably even more dangerous is engaging online dommes as there is always the risk of exposure if the other person is so inclined. A few weeks ago I made the mistake of throwing caution into the wind while my judgment was clouded by too much Ambien and I ended up finding myself in a non-consensual blackmail situation after humiliating myself on cam. She was able to track down one of my old employers on the Internet and threatened to expose me if I didn't give in to her financial demands. I made it very clear that it's no longer a game and that I did not wish to talk to her anymore but she refused to leave me alone until I paid her about $700, way more than was originally agreed to. Keeping in mind that she didn't advertise as a financial domme and I never agreed to any kind of blackmail I was seriously upset that she did this to me but I guess why not, she obviously had nothing to lose by exposing a loser. I still feel sick just thinking about it, considering I'm getting evicted sometime next week I really could have used that money for a hotel room but I guess in some ways I deserved it, it was a harsh lesson I needed to learn.

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RE: Chemical castration as a cure? - 1/1/2012 3:23:52 PM   
xxblushesxx


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From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		That's when you get the police involved. Blackmail is only fun if both parties agree to it. (in writing, and hopefully on cam as well)

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RE: Chemical castration as a cure? - 1/1/2012 3:35:12 PM   
tazzygirl


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Status: offline 		Even with the agreements the court may not agree.

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RE: Chemical castration as a cure? - 1/1/2012 3:36:32 PM   
xxblushesxx


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From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		Yes, I know. I was just speaking as to what was happening to him.

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RE: Chemical castration as a cure? - 1/1/2012 3:46:42 PM   
Rule


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quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx
That's when you get the police involved. Blackmail is only fun if both parties agree to it. (in writing, and hopefully on cam as well)

Indeed. Go to the police.

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RE: Chemical castration as a cure? - 1/1/2012 3:47:20 PM   
lildude81va


Posts: 30
Joined: 12/10/2011
Status: offline 		Didn't seem like a good idea considering I had none of her personal information other than her PayPal address and you can easily open an account with fraudulent information so the chances of finding her would have been slim. She obviously knew what she was doing so I'm sure she's taken the proper precautions like using false names and addresses and using proxy servers to ensure the IP can't be traced back to her. That's assuming the police would have even been remotely interested which I highly doubt, not a lot of people will feel motivated to protect perverts if you know what I mean. It's not like a single mom getting ripped off online, people would sympathize with that. If anything it would have just pissed her off and she could've easily used my information to expose me to the world or worse. Find the right place to expose someone and all of the sudden that person may be facing a lynch mob of vigilantes. No thanks.

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RE: Chemical castration as a cure? - 1/1/2012 3:47:33 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		lildude, forget about a relationship for now and forget about castration.  Put your dick away and focus on your life.  Good luck.


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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Chemical castration as a cure? - 1/1/2012 3:52:43 PM   
Rule


Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline 		Medications will not help you.

Stop the risky behavior. Limit yourself to masturbation.

Unfortunately, though you provide a lot of information in your posts, your profile is empty.

If you want to, you may CM-mail me on the other side. I guarantee full confidence and I will not blackmail you.

(in reply to lildude81va)
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RE: Chemical castration as a cure? - 1/1/2012 6:05:50 PM   
hausboy


Posts: 2360
Joined: 9/5/2010
Status: offline 		Rule: with all due respect, you have no business telling someone that medications will or won't help them unless you are their medical provider.

To the original poster:  please continue to seek professional....wait...I'll repeat that... PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL HELP.....there are kink-friendly therapists out there.  Chemical castration is highly controversial and has not been definitively and clinically proven to stop behaviors, let alone thoughts.  I empathize that you are in so much pain, and I hope that you find the help that you need.  Depression is a challenging disease (I have battled it myself for most of life) and the only people who can really find the right way to help you are trained, licensed professionals--in your case, a licensed therapist working with a physician or psychiatrist who can work with you should they determine that you might benefit from a change in treatment and/or medication.  (for the record, I am not on anti-depressants but have plenty of friends who are)

I truly hope that you get the help you need.  best wishes.

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RE: Chemical castration as a cure? - 1/1/2012 6:25:09 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		You have been speaking about what might not seem to work in various facets of your life.

If you were too depressed to do therapy (if that was the therapist's opinion and not your own) then you need to be on anti-depressant medication most likely.

What might not seem to work for you, in your opinion right now would be very skewed due to your various issues.

That does not mean it can't help.

Don't re-victimise yourself by bypassing help.
The right kind of help will work if you let it.



_____________________________

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RE: Chemical castration as a cure? - 1/1/2012 7:02:12 PM   
Rule


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Joined: 12/5/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: hausboy
Rule: with all due respect, you have no business telling someone that medications will or won't help them unless you are their medical provider.

Whether or not I have business telling him such, is for him to decide. Unlike the professionals you are referring to, I do know what I am talking about.

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RE: Chemical castration as a cure? - 1/1/2012 8:22:45 PM   
MissImmortalPain


Posts: 2440
Joined: 4/1/2011
Status: offline 		You should be aware that though chemical castration has been shown to lower the sex drive of some paraphiliacs that it does not work on everyone. I agree that you need to seek out a professional that is aware of what you are doing, why, and the proper way to help you be treated.

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RE: Chemical castration as a cure? - 1/1/2012 8:47:27 PM   
hausboy


Posts: 2360
Joined: 9/5/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rule

quote:

ORIGINAL: hausboy
Rule: with all due respect, you have no business telling someone that medications will or won't help them unless you are their medical provider.

Whether or not I have business telling him such, is for him to decide. Unlike the professionals you are referring to, I do know what I am talking about.


of course you do. 
I'll be sure to refer all the suicidal people your way.

Hopefully the OP is going to get professional help and not base life and death decisions on advice from anonymous strangers on the internet.

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RE: Chemical castration as a cure? - 1/1/2012 8:50:11 PM   
hausboy


Posts: 2360
Joined: 9/5/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissImmortalPain

You should be aware that though chemical castration has been shown to lower the sex drive of some paraphiliacs that it does not work on everyone. I agree that you need to seek out a professional that is aware of what you are doing, why, and the proper way to help you be treated.


Hi MIP
I cannot imagine that chemical castration will change the OP's depression, lack of self esteem, social awkwardness or change his kinky fantasies.  Let's hope he continues to seek professional help.

(in reply to MissImmortalPain)
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RE: Chemical castration as a cure? - 1/1/2012 9:15:29 PM   
lildude81va


Posts: 30
Joined: 12/10/2011
Status: offline 		Why wouldn't it change my kinky fantasies? When Zoloft temporarily eliminated my sex drive I didn't have any kinky fantasies whatsoever which implies that they are directly related to my sex drive. It obviously wouldn't help much with depression but it would eliminate a factor of guilt and it would make being single easier and allow me to focus on developing social skills instead of running around like a horny geek-boy lusting after every woman he sees. 

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RE: Chemical castration as a cure? - 1/1/2012 10:23:22 PM   
hausboy


Posts: 2360
Joined: 9/5/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lildude81va

Why wouldn't it change my kinky fantasies? When Zoloft temporarily eliminated my sex drive I didn't have any kinky fantasies whatsoever which implies that they are directly related to my sex drive. It obviously wouldn't help much with depression but it would eliminate a factor of guilt and it would make being single easier and allow me to focus on developing social skills instead of running around like a horny geek-boy lusting after every woman he sees. 


lildude--
I'm not a psychotherapist so I can't really answer that question.  I know quite a few kinky folks who take meds--it sometimes suppresses their sex drives too, but it didn't take the "kinkiness" away.  The bigger thing here is that you have some really serious issues to deal with and that's why many of us are pointing you towards professional help. I do know this about pharmaceuticals--they can help with anxiety, depression, and pain....but they don't take away "guilt."  A good therapist can talk you through that, along with social/coping skills. Chemical castration to cure guilt would be like chopping off a hand to curb masturbation.    I really do wish you the best.

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RE: Chemical castration as a cure? - 1/1/2012 11:07:24 PM   
lildude81va


Posts: 30
Joined: 12/10/2011
Status: offline 		I understand that professional help would be ideal but it's also very expensive and considering that I don't even know where I'm going to live a week from now it's obviously out of the question. When I was in therapy the cost of treatment, depending on which medication I was on, ranged from $400 to over $1k a month. I know there are providers that have a sliding scale but even then the cost between therapy and medication does add up quickly. While there are some low-cost options provided by the county I live in their resources are stretched very thin and it takes a minimum of two weeks before being seen. I'm also worried about the possibility of being hospitalized again, my previous therapist made it very clear that he felt I needed more intensive treatment than outpatient therapy can provide so I am concerned that others would come to the same conclusion. I'm not categorically opposed to in-patient treatment but from what I have seen it's not very helpful, being locked up and stripped of all your possessions and freedom (funny, in a different type of setting I would love it!) and having nothing to do other than watching TV, eating bland hospital food, and participating in 2 - 3 group therapy sessions seems counterproductive. Between group therapy and a quick checkup by the attending psychiatrist you get maybe like 10 minutes of therapy a day with very little focus on the current problems. The system is purely designed to prevent people from harming themselves but doesn't really do much to help them resolve the underlying issues. It's quite frustrating to be honest, I feel as though I have been trapped in a vicious cycle. Too poor to get the help I need and too depressed to do what it takes to get to a point of being financially stable. Had I not had family helping me out financially I would've ended up on the streets months ago but I obviously cannot expect them to just keep throwing money my way. It just seems so hopeless!

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RE: Chemical castration as a cure? - 1/2/2012 1:40:15 AM   
stellauk


Posts: 1360
Status: offline 		Having read through everything being honest I cannot tell if it's you talking about your chemical castration or your issues.

There's just so much and all what I can give here is no more than an opinion based on my own superficial understanding.

You have far bigger issues than sex or kink.

I am already regarding you as homeless, simply because you are at a significant risk of being homeless. Not sure whether this means rough sleeping, having to sleep on someone else's sofa, or being in a night shelter but it doesn't matter - you're still homeless and going through the stages.

This is what you need to be concentrating on - getting support, networking. Being homeless is a struggle, it's tough, and you need all the support you can get here. How much support you have and can find determines how difficult or how traumatic the experience can be.

Never ever give up on yourself. Keep working with medical professionals and keep working with therapists.

I would also seek out secular support and if you get the opportunity, get yourself a support worker. Make sure that your support worker is aware of the issues. When you come across non-secular support keep it to yourself. It's not an issue they need to know about, it's enough that you're homeless. Deal with that first and foremost.

Look at the positives here. The homelessness itself whilst traumatic, especially as its happening at this time of year, might actually lead to some sort of solution or compromise.

In effect you will be socially castrated anyway. Do NOT under any circumstances get involved in kink or sex with other homeless people. People become homeless for a variety of reasons, some have substance issues, some have emotional and mental issues, and some have HIV. You need to put that side of your life to one side and to focus on your homeless situation.

Another positive here of course is that this alone is likely to occupy a lot of your thinking, time and attention. Your time is likely to be taken up trying to find the bare necessities of life, where to sleep, where to find food, where to wash clothing and take care of your personal hygiene.

But it's how you network and how you develop your support which is going to get you through this.

I wish you well, I really do.

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