Once trust is lost (Full Version)

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mstrslve4fun -> Once trust is lost (1/2/2012 5:25:49 AM)

in a Dom is it possible to regain it?

My husband and I started a couple years ago venturing into this lifestyle. Hindsight is 20/20, and now I know that we probably should have put off getting into this lifestyle until we were a little more sure of each other, having just come off a separation, but he had really gotten into it while we were separated, and it is something that I always wanted myself.

So, when we separated, he was quite angry with me, and we didn't know it, but he was still subconsciously angry with me, and because of that, he went too far with his Dominance, doing humiliating things to me that I complied with to make him happy.

In the intervening time we have wrestled with the lifestyle, going back and forth on whether we want it. Honestly, mostly it's me. He knows he wants it, but I don't know if I can trust him again. He acknowledges that he went too far last time, and that he wouldn't do it again, but I'm afraid to trust him again.

He thinks I should just blindly trust him again, because that's what he wants, but I try to tell him it isn't that easy. And I've read enough to know trust is one of the most important things in this lifestyle.

Can trust be regained?



fragilepieces -> RE: Once trust is lost (1/2/2012 6:07:32 AM)

That is one of those questions only you can answer===personally I have had someone lie to me or cause mistrust and I have forgiven and moved forward with that person and had it work swell on the other hand---I have forgiven someone trusted him/her only to have them commit the same offense---then I moved on.


Personally---having no trust for someone makes me miserable and personally I need to forgive and forget and move forward or forgive and not allow them to be part of my world and move forward---hanging onto it just causes me misery.



myotherself -> RE: Once trust is lost (1/2/2012 6:13:06 AM)

Firstly, he has admitted that he went too far before. He says it won't happen again. You both want to move forwards.

Now you have to decide together if the issues that drove him to go too far before are still there. If they are, you need to talk. Maybe even talk to a marriage counsellor, as well as to each other.

And you need to take it slowly. I wouldn't be able to give full trust over immediately, with that kind of history. Maybe you could agree a series of stages where you work towards what you want. It's going to take time, but if he's really committed to making the relationship work then he shouldn't have a problem with it.

In the end, it's up to both of you and how committed you are to each other. Only time will tell.



DarkSteven -> RE: Once trust is lost (1/2/2012 6:56:34 AM)

I agree with what MOS said, and I'll add a couple of thoughts.

The timeline is
You got married.
You got separated.
He played with others while separated, and experimented with D/s.
You got together again, and experimented with D/s together.
He did things that you considered "too far".
In subsequent discussions, he admitted he went too far, stated that it was due to unresolved anger, and accepted full responsibility for his actions.

1. You were compatible enough to get married when you were vanilla.  Add in the lifestyle, and the two of you should be a very good fit.
2. Him going "too far" is a subjective thing.  If this had been rephrased as "he was experimenting and tried some things he shouldn't" or "he was punishing by doing this", it would have seemed more acceptable.  I suspect there may have been elements of other things present, but his anger is what you two have focused on.
3. You as a submissive need to communicate as well.  When you complied to make him happy, you were agreeing with what happened.  In other words, it was not HIS fault that things went too far, it was your JOINT failure.

My thoughts:

1. I consider your question to be "Is this relationship worth pursuing?"  I vote yes, strongly.  Not only do you two have a lot of compatibility, but you have no idea how many fake-Dom men are out there who would prey on you if you were truly open and looking.
2. You are focusing attention on the humiliation stuff that went too far.  In so doing, you are overlooking the cause for the separation.  This needs to be addressed - the fact is that he likely has unresolved feelings that have been buried for the moment.
3. Individually and jointly, review what happened regarding what originally brought you together, what caused the separation, what brought you back together, and why the two of you went too far recently.
4. You HAVE to trust someone.  It will be him, it could be another man, or it could be yourself.  I get the feeling that he's pretty solid and not that impulsive, and that you tend to be the more impulsive one.  From everything you've said, I think that he has proven to be capable of seeing when he's been wrong.  I say that he should become worthy of trust again.  But I don't get a feeling for how often you have done the right thing for yourself, and I don't know if you've even asked yourself that.

Good luck with it.





Kaliko -> RE: Once trust is lost (1/2/2012 6:59:51 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: mstrslve4fun

in a Dom is it possible to regain it?

My husband and I started a couple years ago venturing into this lifestyle. Hindsight is 20/20, and now I know that we probably should have put off getting into this lifestyle until we were a little more sure of each other, having just come off a separation, but he had really gotten into it while we were separated, and it is something that I always wanted myself.

So, when we separated, he was quite angry with me, and we didn't know it, but he was still subconsciously angry with me, and because of that, he went too far with his Dominance, doing humiliating things to me that I complied with to make him happy.

In the intervening time we have wrestled with the lifestyle, going back and forth on whether we want it. Honestly, mostly it's me. He knows he wants it, but I don't know if I can trust him again. He acknowledges that he went too far last time, and that he wouldn't do it again, but I'm afraid to trust him again.

He thinks I should just blindly trust him again, because that's what he wants, but I try to tell him it isn't that easy. And I've read enough to know trust is one of the most important things in this lifestyle.

Can trust be regained?


I've found (in hindsight - that pesky hindsight again) that if I have trouble trusting someone, it's because I was unclear in communicating what I was having trouble with in the first place. I didn't give them the opportunity to allay my fears. This has proven true for any of my relationships, not just D/s.

Yes, it is possible to trust him again. I don't believe in someone having to earn trust back. If you love someone, it is unconditional - until you decide it isn't. If you want to trust him again, then I say allow yourself to and throw yourself into it completely, and be more open to him than you have been in the past. I don't like a relationship in which I have to be on my guard. I'd rather risk a giant drop into emotional hell than to have to always be worried about what my partner may or may not do.









sheisreeds -> RE: Once trust is lost (1/2/2012 7:25:38 AM)

One thing that concerns me about the OP's post is that it's all about him, not about her.

Have the issues that made him angry with you been resolved?

What do you need to trust him again?

Can you go slow, do things you're more comfortable with first?

Where's your responsibilities for repairing this relationship?

The marriage is more concerning to me than anything D/s, trust is required in ANY relationship.

Repairing that is a two way street. You need to communicate what you need, and how you feel. You need to listen to what he says and give his feelings space, and figure out how to address his needs.



littlewonder -> RE: Once trust is lost (1/2/2012 10:01:59 AM)

For me personally once trust is broken I can't just go back to the way it was before and most likely the relationship is over or the relationship changes but it never ever goes back to the way it was before. I will take up the slack and will always second guess him.

I would say your days of a d/s relationship are probably over unless until there comes a point where he has proven himself trustworthy otherwise and not just about bdsm but about life in general. It could take years to get back to that point.

So the question is are you willing to stay with him to see if he can be trustworthy and hopefully repair your relationship and in the meantime leaving bdsm out? Can he deal with that?

If not then your relationship is over.




poise -> RE: Once trust is lost (1/2/2012 10:47:50 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: mstrslve4fun

Can trust be regained?


Regardless of your history together, or your relationship dynamics, trust can always be regained.
But it won't just magically appear. You will have to actually let go of your fear and allow him to
prove himself trustworthy again.

The question then becomes, do you want to trust him again.



Focus50 -> RE: Once trust is lost (1/2/2012 12:56:29 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: mstrslve4fun

in a Dom is it possible to regain it?

My husband and I started a couple years ago venturing into this lifestyle. Hindsight is 20/20, and now I know that we probably should have put off getting into this lifestyle until we were a little more sure of each other, having just come off a separation, but he had really gotten into it while we were separated, and it is something that I always wanted myself.

So, when we separated, he was quite angry with me, and we didn't know it, but he was still subconsciously angry with me, and because of that, he went too far with his Dominance, doing humiliating things to me that I complied with to make him happy.

In the intervening time we have wrestled with the lifestyle, going back and forth on whether we want it. Honestly, mostly it's me. He knows he wants it, but I don't know if I can trust him again. He acknowledges that he went too far last time, and that he wouldn't do it again, but I'm afraid to trust him again.

He thinks I should just blindly trust him again, because that's what he wants, but I try to tell him it isn't that easy. And I've read enough to know trust is one of the most important things in this lifestyle.

Can trust be regained?


Whoa, he used a reconciliation as an opportunity for some payback, D/s style...???

That's some selfish immaturity there! And trust is one of the most important things in *any* relationship.

I think you should learn from the experience and move on. He's got too much growing up ahead of him....

Focus.



NuevaVida -> RE: Once trust is lost (1/2/2012 1:13:28 PM)

I saw a quote on FB today: "Don't look back - you're not going that way."

In other words, live in the present, and don't chuck things from the past at each other.

That said, trust is fragile.  I know this. I'm dealing with some trust issues myself, currently.  Particularly when you submit to another, making yourself vulnerable in the relationship.  What I find, is sometimes you have to pull the relationship way back, and slowly build a foundation again, particularly if the last foundation didn't work.  Baby steps, one small step at a time.  This develops a level of trust you can rely on, and there's nothing "blind" about that trust.

So, if you want the marriage, start there.  Rebuild the marriage.  Rejoin each other and rediscover the love you have for each other.  Small steps from there, perhaps in just submitting to "small" or "easy" things at first, and building from there.  A friend told me recently that the relationship can only really advance in the pace of the slowest participant.  So you have to start with love and patience, and throw some forgiveness into the mix, as well.  The patience and forgiveness is both for each other and for yourselves.

Keep your conversations positive.  Rather than "I can't trust you right now because you did XYZ," perhaps "I am working on trusting you again, but I need us to move forward very slowly, so I can build it in a healthy way that will last."

But it starts with having a strong foundation.  Coming off of a separation, you'll need time, love and patience to rebuild that.  The rest stems from there, when you're both ready.

Just my 5 cents.



DesFIP -> RE: Once trust is lost (1/2/2012 8:30:11 PM)

During your separation you both saw others. He's pissed that you did that although he thinks it's fine that he did.
He wants blind trust and obedience while admitting he doesn't deserve it.

Marriage counseling.

And tell him that when and if he has earned blind trust is when he can have it. That right now what he has earned is distrust and that's why he's getting that. And that the fact he doesn't believe he should have to prove himself through his actions to deserve your trust means more than anything else, that he doesn't deserve it.

It's easy to say he's sorry. Until he's willing to demonstrate that he's a changed human being, all it is is lip service.



VelvetPuppet -> RE: Once trust is lost (1/23/2012 12:32:44 PM)

Please read this - you may find it very helpful:

http://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2009/03/02/five-steps-for-fixing-a-fuck-up/



tazzygirl -> RE: Once trust is lost (1/23/2012 1:09:19 PM)

quote:

He acknowledges that he went too far last time, and that he wouldn't do it again, but I'm afraid to trust him again.


I can sympathize.

quote:

he went too far with his Dominance, doing humiliating things to me that I complied with to make him happy.


I have to ask, did he know he was going too far?

I ask because we also have a responsibility to let them know. If you did not, then, as much as you may not want to hear it, you are just at fault as he is.

Dominants cant read minds. If we dont speak up, we cannot bank on them knowing everything.



kanina -> RE: Once trust is lost (1/24/2012 1:36:19 PM)

To me trust is like glass once you break it, you can´t glue it back, won´t be the same...



tabooseeker2011 -> RE: Once trust is lost (1/28/2012 3:29:37 PM)

quote:

doing humiliating things to me that I complied with to make him happy


If you "complied" then how did he violate your trust? Did you use your safeword and he ignored it? If that is the case, then I can understand the trust issue. However, seeing as you "complied", then it is assumed he thought he could go forward. Perhaps I am missing something, but on the surface of things, it appears there was a miscommunication. Further, I am not sure how he can be blamed for crossing a boundary when he wasn't instructed clearly by a safeword to stop? As a submissive, I understand wanting to please my Sir and I know how uncomfortable it feels as he addresses my boundaries; however, it is MY responsibility to use my safeword, NOT send mixed messages, and not expect him to read my mind.




xssve -> RE: Once trust is lost (1/29/2012 9:44:31 AM)

quote:

I saw a quote on FB today: "Don't look back - you're not going that way."
Very true, but in this case, revenge has been established as part of the dynamic, and a dynamic, once established, is very hard to change - you can ignore, but it's there, and it's going to be there until you have some kind of closure on it, if you don't, there is a chance it could come back and bite you in the ass - maybe literally. [:D]

You need to talk it out, see if he's got it out of his system yet, and be honest about any issues you might have.



xssve -> RE: Once trust is lost (1/29/2012 9:51:24 AM)

Tricky stuff, because if it's not out of his system, further acting out might not help, might just solidify it - if it's something you don't want to do, stick to your guns, and find some way to resolve it other than sexual role playing.

One thing is, does that resentment have to do with sex, or was it something else entirely? You Two are the only ones who know, and if there are other issues, I think it's a mistake letting it spread into your sexual dynamic.



amaidiamond -> RE: Once trust is lost (1/30/2012 5:36:47 AM)

I think that you both Have responsibility.
I understand that you wanted to please and went along with it... But as subs/slaves/bottoms we also have personal responsibility for our actions. How was he to know it was to much unless told?
It would be different if you told him/safe worded and he violated that but miscommunication? IMHO it's BOTH peoples error if things stand as you have laid out. .

You can turn the issue on its head quite easily, how can he be sure he can trust you to let him know if there's an issue?

My point is its a two way street and you both need to do the work



ResidentSadist -> RE: Once trust is lost (1/30/2012 10:43:56 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
I agree with what MOS said, and I'll add a couple of thoughts.... etc.

Nicely put!



Clickofheels -> RE: Once trust is lost (2/2/2012 3:02:47 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

I saw a quote on FB today: "Don't look back - you're not going that way."

In other words, live in the present, and don't chuck things from the past at each other.

That said, trust is fragile.  I know this. I'm dealing with some trust issues myself, currently.  Particularly when you submit to another, making yourself vulnerable in the relationship.  What I find, is sometimes you have to pull the relationship way back, and slowly build a foundation again, particularly if the last foundation didn't work.  Baby steps, one small step at a time.  This develops a level of trust you can rely on, and there's nothing "blind" about that trust.

So, if you want the marriage, start there.  Rebuild the marriage.  Rejoin each other and rediscover the love you have for each other.  Small steps from there, perhaps in just submitting to "small" or "easy" things at first, and building from there.  A friend told me recently that the relationship can only really advance in the pace of the slowest participant.  So you have to start with love and patience, and throw some forgiveness into the mix, as well.  The patience and forgiveness is both for each other and for yourselves.

Keep your conversations positive.  Rather than "I can't trust you right now because you did XYZ," perhaps "I am working on trusting you again, but I need us to move forward very slowly, so I can build it in a healthy way that will last."

But it starts with having a strong foundation.  Coming off of a separation, you'll need time, love and patience to rebuild that.  The rest stems from there, when you're both ready.

Just my 5 cents.



Awesome advice, NuevaVida...



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