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Rookie - 10/24/2004 4:58:35 PM

willing2serve

Posts: 385
Joined: 4/6/2004
Status: offline

This is addressed to the experienced subs...I was involved in a wonderful exploring relationship with a Dom for two years, not much training and disciplined involved and I had a long leash so to speak...The relationship was purposely structured that way to allow me to explore with him without boundaries or limitations into this new exciting world. We both knew because of our lives and jobs we would not be together forever, he knew there would be other stricter Doms that would come into my life, so the exploring and teaching self discovery was the role he wanted to lead me in, and I am thankful to him and for him. However, as I grew in my desires, cravings...I knew I needed structure and discipline and I was ready to undertake it..So I moved on with his blessings and friendship. I have very recently met a stricter Dom, which we do have some obstacles of frustration because of my lack of training in obedience and discipline, but I am very excited about the path that we are taking and I see some growth in me in a matter of a few weeks. Here is my dilema or question...the teacher of my past, I have not yet made aware that I am seeing someone...The Dom I am currently seeing is fully aware of my past Dom experience. The past Dom is inviting me for coffee and now to a place of memories that has sexual overtones to it. My question is...I am in a grey area, no direction. Even though there has been no commitment to the new Dom, do I tell him of my inner conflict to see the past teacher? To the Teaching Dom, Do I tell him I have met another and am working to see where that relationship goes and forget all of the times and memories we had? I'm not one to play games, but I feel at this moment I am in a maze. I will admit and have to add, both Doms are very intelligent and wise. I have been so very blessed in the quality of these two men. Has this happened to you? Please be kind with your advice, this is my very first post...

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RE: Rookie - 10/24/2004 5:14:36 PM

velvetvixen

Posts: 378
Joined: 1/19/2004
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I think it would be best to tell both Doms everything. It's a bad idea, IMO, to start things off with a secret.

Good Luck

(in reply to willing2serve)

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RE: Rookie - 10/24/2004 5:27:13 PM

willing2serve

Posts: 385
Joined: 4/6/2004
Status: offline

Thank you velvetvixen for your advice...you are correct..I do not want to start out on the wrong foot...I do not plan to meet past Dom, but the temptation is certainly there from the loyalty I once felt for him. That is why I pondered if I should tell the new Dom since it is just an internal conflict.

quote:

ORIGINAL: velvetvixen

I think it would be best to tell both Doms everything. It's a bad idea, IMO, to start things off with a secret.

Good Luck

(in reply to velvetvixen)

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RE: Rookie - 10/24/2004 6:08:50 PM

subbiejenn

Posts: 631
Joined: 7/12/2004
Status: offline

Oh Yes, no doubt (JMO) you should tell both Doms. One great quality is a submissive is "truthfulness". i had a Mentor/Teacher when i was new to the real life part of BDSM and when i felt i needed more and wanted more in a relationship He helped me find a Dom. He was my safe call, He made sure He seen no red flags as well as talked to me extensively to make sure i didn't see any. The Dom i picked didn't work out but i grew from that experience as well. i still talk to my Mentor a lot but did not see Him in any sexual manner while i was with this other Dom and He was OK with this and understood. I don’t know that much about your relationship with this “old” Dom.

Just because you have moved on and want to explore with this other Dom doesn't mean you have to forget memories with your teacher Dom. Good memories are great and are one thing no one can take away from us. If you have respect for your old teacher Dom you should tell Him out of respect and if He is as intelligent and wise as you say He will understand. Just explain how you feel, even tell BOTH Doms you are confused ... Lay it all out then work through it with them.

BTW – Welcome to CM Boards! Glad to see you posting and hope to see many more from you. Boards here are great for learning and asking questions. You will get many different views and opinions which can help you develop your own ideas on things that are new for you… Best of luck!

Be Well…
~jenn~

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~Subspace is my perfect paradise vacation from busy-mind... blessed be to the Dominant who can stamp my ticket there.~

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away"

(in reply to willing2serve)

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RE: Rookie - 10/24/2004 8:00:27 PM

Suleiman

Posts: 1127
Joined: 9/9/2004
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I would have to agree with the general concensus so far. There is no shame in loving two people, nor in respecting and admiring a past teacher. There is shame in keeping secrets, and it is unbecoming for us to do so. As Subbiejenn asserts (and I wholeheartedly agree), truthfulness is a great quality in a submissive. As you have come to a place where you need more structure in your life, this structure is going to require a foundation of communication and trust. Betray that trust, and you will not have the domination you seek, because you will have damaged the very foundations of it. Whether your duplicity is ever discovered, or if it is and is forgiven, in some part of your own mind, by keeping this secret, you have resisted submission. Of course, it is far more likely that such a deception will be discovered, and that it will not be lightly forgiven, but those ramifications I am sure you have sense enough to consider for yourself.

It's an exciting thing, to be caught in a dilemma like this. You feel terribly vulnerable, and must do so twice over, fearing the consequences each time. Personally, I find it much more tittilating than merely being bound and flogged. I wish you the best, dear, and good luck in your continued search.

~S

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Think of my verbosity as a sort of litmus test for our relationship. I write in a manner identical to how I speak and how I think. If you can not cope with what I have written here, it is probably for the best if we go our separate ways.

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RE: Rookie - 10/24/2004 9:48:14 PM

inadazey

Posts: 69
Joined: 10/7/2004
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I think, in a D/s relationship, honesty and forthrightness are so important.. really fundamental to a good relationship. I can't lie to my Master, even if I wanted to, and I'm grateful for that. So, even though your relationship with the training dom has ended, it sounds like it was very helpful to your growth, and I think you should keep the communication open and honest. So I would definitely tell him about your current situation; he may even be able to provide you with guidance and support. And you don't need to forget all the good memories you've had with him; you should hold onto them as you would any special memories. :) But, if you go ahead with meeting him, and worry that you might do something you'd regret if you meet him where you've spent intimate time together, I'd be up-front about that, and tell him you'd prefer to meet elsewhere, like at a coffee shop.

I think it's vital to be completely straightforward with your current dom about what you're doing, and to make sure, before you spend any time with the training dom, that he approves of your doing so. If he doesn't approve, the training dom will surely understand that your current dom has the right to make such decisions. I wouldn't really volunteer information about your sexual feelings/sex life with the training dom to your current dom; be honest if he asks you, but remember that the training dom is the past, your dom is the present, and he probably doesn't want to hear much about that, anymore than he'd want to hear about your sex life with anyone else from your past.

I've not ever been in a situation like yours, but I've learned and grown a lot over many years, much of it learning the hard way, and my Master has *immensely* helped my growth as a submissive. So I hope my advice is of some help to you, and I wish you all the luck in the world with your new relationship!
*hugs* Daisy

(in reply to willing2serve)

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RE: Rookie - 10/25/2004 10:52:29 AM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
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Ok, from what I understand, the relationship with your first Dom is now just friendship? The new Dom must be told BEFORE the meeting that you are going to do it. If you don't, it can cause trust issues that will have long reaching impact. I have several ex-subs that I have remained friends with and see on a friendship basis. I do not expect that any Dominant will ever get in the way of our friendships. I have never asked a sub of mine to break off contact with any friends, male, female, Dominant or not. I'm am secure enough in myself, my subs honesty, my power over my sub and our relationship to not feel threatened by other friendships. BUT if I found out that a sub of mine was seeing someone secretly I'd question why- especially if it was someone with whom they'd had a prior relationship. Secrecy equals something to hide. Be open and honest with your new Dom. It sounds like you have a wonderful new relationship developing. Don't damage it. Good Luck :-)

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