Worried about getting in too deep?

Worried about getting in too deep? (Full Version)

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yamyamyam87 -> Worried about getting in too deep? (2/5/2012 2:51:25 AM)
Hey everyone, I'm brand new to all of this and am thinking about exploring my sub side. One of the things holding me back though is the fear that I'll either get 'in too deep' with a dom or that I'll commit myself to something and then grow bored of it. Has anyone had this worry/fear? Or has anyone gone through this with an actual dom? Thanks for any advice/help :)

lizi -> RE: Worried about getting in too deep? (2/5/2012 5:04:41 AM)
Well, this stuff is just real life, if you get bored in real life with someone then you probably will in a D/s relationship. It's happened to me that I was with men that weren't suited to me in the end, and we moved on. Nothing mysterious, it's good at the time and then it's not. I've been with the guy I'm with now for 3 years and we aren't planning on parting but life is life. BDSM isn't a crazy cult or anything, just approach it like you do the rest of your life and you'll do fine. Keep your head on straight, think things through, don't immediately do things guys ask for unless it's something you want, watch out for your safety, act like you're dating someone- same rules apply.

sincelo -> RE: Worried about getting in too deep? (2/5/2012 8:51:10 AM)
quote: BDSM isn't a crazy cult or anything, just approach it like you do the rest of your life and you'll do fine. Keep your head on straight, think things through, don't immediately do things guys ask for unless it's something you want, watch out for your safety, act like you're dating someone- same rules apply. This. It isn't like you get involved with a dominant and are bonded for the rest of your life.

sexyred1 -> RE: Worried about getting in too deep? (2/5/2012 9:11:42 AM)
Anyone can get in too deep. The trick is, to understand where the being in too deep is. It can be either cerebrally too deep or physically; or both. It can be interesting to be involved with, just be careful and cognizant of who you are, who they are, what you want, what they want and don't lose yourself.

fucktoyprincess -> RE: Worried about getting in too deep? (2/5/2012 9:13:13 AM)
A D/s relationship is still just that. A relationship. And the usual relationship rules still apply. You start up with someone who you are attracted to and who has certain qualities you are looking for. If you get tired of each other, or something does not work out in the relationship otherwise, you break up and move on. I really don't see BDSM changing that basic equation. With that said, depending on your specific interests in the BDSM world, you have to choose partners carefully, and be sure you understand what BDSM is about so that whatever relationship you do enter, that you understand the basic concepts around boundaries, limits, safe words, SSC (safe, sane, consensual) etc. If you are new to this world, I highly recommend reading as much as possible beforehand so that you understand what aspects of BDSM you are interested in exploring, how to choose safe partners, and how to stay safe in a relationship. I think one can never learn too much beforehand. The more you read and understand, I think the less fearful you will be of exploring further (again, with the right person). Just remember, that this journey is also meant to be fun (something that I think gets lost too often). So if you are being safe, having fun, and trusting your instincts, then there is plenty to explore safely.

leatherlaceglove -> RE: Worried about getting in too deep? (2/5/2012 9:15:29 AM)
yep...I agree totally with getting to know what it's all about before you find out for real what it's all about. The safest might be the reading and such, but also? Find out where your local munches are at.....ask questions....listen to stories...these are real people....Hollywood glamorizes EVERYTHING...... Do your homework first so you can 'figure out' who you are and what you want.....ask questions, questions, questions......then you will start to 'get' the path you want to travel and explore..... Figuratively speaking....you need to find your compass before you start the trip...

graceadieu -> RE: Worried about getting in too deep? (2/5/2012 9:28:50 AM)
What she said ^^^^. [:)] This stuff can seem scary at first, I totally get that. It was scary for me at first how much I wanted to submit, and I too was worried that I'd get in "too deep" and end up in some crazy shit and get abused or lose myself. But after a while of exploring this and meeting people in real life, I realized those fears were baseless. First off, most people into D/s are decent regular people who care about their partners and will respect your boundaries and want you to enjoy what you do with them. Remember that. Secondly, there's absolutely no need to commit yourself to a D/s relationship now - or ever, if you decide that's not what you want. How much you submit, and when and how are all entirely up to you. The first year I was involved in this stuff, I found a couple of play partner friends and explored doing scenes with them, where I would only submit for the course of the scene and only to such-and-such an extent. Then I had a relationship for a while with a top where I bottomed/submitted only in the bedroom. And both of those things were good and helpful to me in "testing the waters", figuring out what I wanted and getting me over my nerves. I realized after a while that what I wanted was a 24/7 D/s relationship where I give up authority over most things to a responsible, trustworthy partner (responsible and trustworthy are absolutely key). But plenty of people in the "lifestyle" find they don't want that, and that's totally fine. Some people want to submit only in the bedroom, some people want to bottom but not submit, some people probably decide none of this is for them at all, etc. And it's all good. But you're not going to figure out what you want by sitting on the couch worrying. [:)]

BootyBoy -> RE: Worried about getting in too deep? (2/5/2012 10:45:09 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: yamyamyam87 "I'm brand new to all of this and am thinking about exploring my sub side." This is the standout in what you said You're brand new and exploring, this means that should not be putting yourself in a position to get in too deep with one Dom. Now is the time to observe, learn, and talk to a lot of people in the lifestyle. Figure out what it is you want, and only THEN get involved in a 1 on 1 relationship that fits you.

FrostedFlake -> RE: Worried about getting in too deep? (2/5/2012 2:56:01 PM)
quote: the fear that I'll either get 'in too deep' with a dom or that I'll commit myself to something and Irrational.

kiwisub12 -> RE: Worried about getting in too deep? (2/5/2012 6:13:39 PM)
Seems to me that just as with a vanilla relationship, you have control over what you do or don't do. If you start playing with someone, and you don't like what is going on, you can speak up and say so. It doen't matter what you signed up for, you have veto rights. Don't mistake the verbage ie "giving up all rights", or "no limits" for reality. The reality is is that you can stop anything any time you need to.

LillyBoPeep -> RE: Worried about getting in too deep? (2/6/2012 3:59:18 AM)
Well what does "in too deep" mean to you? Are you afraid some guy will take over your life? Do you generally get bored of your relationships? No one can take over your life unless you let them. to me, I'm submissive to someone in part because that someone is important to me. It's a relationship first and foremost, and there are lots of ways to keep relationships from stagnating. If you thinnk in play terms, if you get bored of something... switch it up or stop doing it. BDSM isn't a brainwashing machine, or a long-term contractual obligation (unless you're into that stuff :p) - just be reasonnable, and keep your wits about you. Don't get into situations with people unless it's something you want to do. When you're new, sometimes you get a ton of bad information from people who want to take advantage of you. If you have groups inn your area, drop ito some meetings and check things out. Learn from those people, read, try things, just remember that you're in control until you decide otherwise.

kalikshama -> RE: Worried about getting in too deep? (2/6/2012 2:06:34 PM)
quote: Well what does "in too deep" mean to you? Are you afraid some guy will take over your life? Do you generally get bored of your relationships? Lilly - nice new av! OP - please do define what "in too deep" means to you.

yamyamyam87 -> RE: Worried about getting in too deep? (2/7/2012 8:45:53 PM)
Great responses everyone. I guess maybe "in too deep" is a hyperbolic and dumb phrase. Maybe what I'm worried about is that I'm not a 'real' sub. I don't know. But the advice about treating this just like any other relationship is really great. Thanks for the responses, they've been interesting to read.

FrostedFlake -> RE: Worried about getting in too deep? (2/8/2012 12:30:36 AM)
Maybe you are not a "real sub". They come in all flavors, you know. And of course, they are all real, until they meet a Domme they don't click with. And then, of course, they are "fake". If someone is so rude, self centered and immature as to say so.

hellionsLight -> RE: Worried about getting in too deep? (2/13/2012 1:59:01 PM)
I do this all the time. I think you need to look at the risks. Sometimes it's okay to take chances. It's really up to you, though.

JeffBC -> RE: Worried about getting in too deep? (2/13/2012 5:07:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: yamyamyam87 One of the things holding me back though is the fear that I'll either get 'in too deep' ...Has anyone had this worry/fear? If it helps you any, one of the things I learned on my journey was that the vast majority of the things I feared were illusory. In this case, the obvious question is "too deep for what?" The counsel I gave myself and I'll offer to you is to try to put a specific face on your fear. If you cannot construct some plausible situation in which this fear plays out, then you're worrying over nothing. It's easy to worry about everything in theory. But we don't live our lives in theory.

LillyBoPeep -> RE: Worried about getting in too deep? (2/13/2012 9:07:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: yamyamyam87 Great responses everyone. I guess maybe "in too deep" is a hyperbolic and dumb phrase. Maybe what I'm worried about is that I'm not a 'real' sub. I don't know. But the advice about treating this just like any other relationship is really great. Thanks for the responses, they've been interesting to read. Ahhhh okies... so did someone give you some idea of what a "real sub" is, and you don't feel like it's you? Well maybe you aren't THAT person's ideal, but it doesn't mean you can't feel genuine submission in a different way with someone else. Usually what people mean by all the "real vs. fake" junk is "if you do it my way, you're real, if not, you are toootally a poser." Pfft. =p By all means, spend some time examining your motivations, learning about power exchange relationships, etc etc -- but understand that there is no One True Way -- one person's "real sub" is another person's "ew go away," and visa versa. =p Just be who you are, be true to yourself, and find someone who wants what you are. (p.s. thanks kalikshama ^_^)

JeffBC -> RE: Worried about getting in too deep? (2/13/2012 9:39:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: yamyamyam87 Maybe what I'm worried about is that I'm not a 'real' sub. I don't know. But the advice about treating this just like any other relationship is really great. Thanks for the responses, they've been interesting to read. Don't worry. I'm not a "real dom" either. And I'm really serious about that. I'm not. But whatever it is that I am turns out to be just about perfect for Carol so hey, all's well.

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