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Submissive Tendencies - 6/2/2006 1:17:24 AM

4u2spoil

Posts: 211
Joined: 5/1/2005
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Once in a while, I'll get frustrated with the responses I get. I'm sure most of the ladies can relate: it's either some copy and paste note which went out to every woman on the site, with no relation to what you're looking for or on the rare occasion that someone takes the time to read, you find they're more interested in how soon you'll be able to tie them down and beat them up.

With that gripe out of the way, I'm giving more consideration to vanilla ways of meeting men I'm compatible with. Of course, if you meet someone at a party or event it's tricky to say "you're attractive, seem intelligent... by the way top or bottom, D or s?"

For the dominant women, have you introduced someone met in a vanilla setting to BDSM? If so, what were the indicators you got or looked for to let you know they'd be receptive? Are there any tendencies you've noticed among men who are interested ingiving up some control?

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RE: Submissive Tendencies - 6/2/2006 2:32:58 PM

MsMacComb

Posts: 808
Joined: 3/30/2005
From: My Mothers womb.
Status: offline

Go the vanilla route. I seem to meet kinky people everywhere I go. Why? Because most people ARE kinky deep down inside. The key thing is that they feel trust with asking/telling/discussing/doing things with others.

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RE: Submissive Tendencies - 6/2/2006 3:17:34 PM

MstrssPassion

Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
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The last "vanilla" man I dated was about 3 yrs ago. He actually contacted me via another fetish site. He was very honest about not having a clue as to what any of this was about & proceeded to write an extremely interesting letter about himself & about his life in general. I was so impressed about many of the things he mentioned about himself that I decided to write him back even though he was not a submissive man.

After a couple of weeks of writing & talking by phone we got together for dinner. He was just as articulate & delightful in person as he was by other methods of communication. I was at one of those frustrating times as you mentioned & I thought, why not... go ahead & give the vanilla guy a shot.

We dated for a few months & from time to time he would ask about this 'lifestyle' & I would talk to him about it. He is an officer in the military so he expressed that discipline was not an unknown thing in his life. I never pushed anything on him & I always waited for him to ask his questions.

As the relationship progressed I knew inside that I was missing certain things that I needed from a partner. I asked him one evening to describe to me a fantasy that he has had but felt he could never explore with anyone for fear that they may not be able to deal with it... I told him to not hold back. He thought for a moment & told me his fantasy. I watched his face & his body language while he spoke. I could tell he was somewhat shy about what he was saying & he was completely honest about this being the wildest time he had ever imagined.

I had to hold back a yawn & inside I let go of a huge sigh...

I knew at that very moment that this relationship would be doomed to end in misery if it were pursued for the long haul. As perfect as he was in so many ways I knew that neither of us would be able to completely satisfy the other because of these specific differences. What we needed from each other just wasn't what the other could provide. I broke things off with him that night.

We have maintained a friendship through it all & remain in touch.

The only way you are going to know if you can date vanilla or not is to go out & try it with someone. My word of advice is not to go out & attempt to make someone into what you seek but rather accept them for who they are & what they offer you naturally. People are who they are & no amount of what we want is going to make them anything more than who they are. Be honest about yourself. It will either freak them out & they will run screaming for the hills (in that case he definitely wasn't submissive material) or they will ask you questions & remain curious about learning more.

No tricks
No hidden things to look for

Just be yourself & see what happens.

_____________________________

MstrssPassion

(in reply to 4u2spoil)

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RE: Submissive Tendencies - 6/2/2006 8:29:39 PM

Slipstreme

Posts: 817
Joined: 1/1/2006
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quote:

have you introduced someone met in a vanilla setting to BDSM?

If furry can be called vanilla, yes. I have at least 3 "converts" to my name, not including my online friends :P I don't know exactly how it happened, but I guess it is simply by being myself. I gained two temporary play partners that way, and eventually converted one of my friends who had "no interest" in BDSM into a bit of a sadist. I guess I tend to be a bit of a flaming sadomasochist, so I guess it tends to rub off on other people? Or make other people with repressed desires start to explore them? I don't know, I'll just continue to be me. For some reason, I do have an innate tendancy to be able to read people and help people. I don't know how it happens, when it happens and what triggers it. It just happens.

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For information about "the furry thing" please check out my profile journal entry for: 1/17/2006

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RE: Submissive Tendencies - 6/3/2006 9:46:27 AM

iliv2servher

Posts: 228
Joined: 5/17/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: 4u2spoil

Once in a while, I'll get frustrated with the responses I get. I'm sure most of the ladies can relate: it's either some copy and paste note which went out to every woman on the site, with no relation to what you're looking for or on the rare occasion that someone takes the time to read, you find they're more interested in how soon you'll be able to tie them down and beat them up.

With that gripe out of the way, I'm giving more consideration to vanilla ways of meeting men I'm compatible with. Of course, if you meet someone at a party or event it's tricky to say "you're attractive, seem intelligent... by the way top or bottom, D or s?"

For the dominant women, have you introduced someone met in a vanilla setting to BDSM? If so, what were the indicators you got or looked for to let you know they'd be receptive? Are there any tendencies you've noticed among men who are interested ingiving up some control?

Often the indicators are just not there, espeically with men. This is probably because men are under more social pressure to exhibit agressive (non-submissive) behavior in public (and especially with collegues with whom they work). It is probably easier to spot a submissive woman than it is to single out a submissive man in a vanilla setting.

And then there are those men like myself who are rather hiigh profile in the corporate world, and who are used to taking the lead and making decisions above those around them. No one would ever guess why my BDSM preference is -- even at a social gathering.

(in reply to 4u2spoil)

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RE: Submissive Tendencies - 6/3/2006 2:56:50 PM

4u2spoil

Posts: 211
Joined: 5/1/2005
Status: offline

lol, yes, that's my fear. I'll get to know someone, share various interests, then find out his idea of a wild fantasy is using CoolWhip or something.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrssPassion

As the relationship progressed I knew inside that I was missing certain things that I needed from a partner. I asked him one evening to describe to me a fantasy that he has had but felt he could never explore with anyone for fear that they may not be able to deal with it... I told him to not hold back. He thought for a moment & told me his fantasy. I watched his face & his body language while he spoke. I could tell he was somewhat shy about what he was saying & he was completely honest about this being the wildest time he had ever imagined.
I had to hold back a yawn & inside I let go of a huge sigh...

I'm definitely not looking for someone to change completely. Polishing a diamond in the rough is more my perspective. I know that I've needed to be dominant in relationships before I knew what D/s was and put a name to it. At the same time, when all I knew about BDSM was the general misconception of people who liked to get beaten and wear latex, I probably wouldn't have had a positive reaction to a guy approaching me saying "ever thought about taking a slave?"

I don't want to waste time trying to build something with someone if they won't have an interest in D/s, specifically in submitting. But, I know that what's comfortable and normal for me might repel someone who only knows of BDSM through stereotypes.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrssPassion

The only way you are going to know if you can date vanilla or not is to go out & try it with someone. My word of advice is not to go out & attempt to make someone into what you seek but rather accept them for who they are & what they offer you naturally. People are who they are & no amount of what we want is going to make them anything more than who they are. Be honest about yourself. It will either freak them out & they will run screaming for the hills (in that case he definitely wasn't submissive material) or they will ask you questions & remain curious about learning more.

No tricks
No hidden things to look for

Just be yourself & see what happens.

< Message edited by 4u2spoil -- 6/3/2006 2:58:05 PM >

(in reply to MstrssPassion)

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RE: Submissive Tendencies - 6/3/2006 3:09:38 PM

4u2spoil

Posts: 211
Joined: 5/1/2005
Status: offline

I actually end up being more attracted to submissive men who are aggressive, or at least normal acting in social situations. I've never equated doormats with subs, because I think submitting takes a certain strength that's not there for someone who is completely passive.

My kinky mind usually wanders when I meet men who are outwardly aggressive, project confidence, have a level of power and professional responsibility, etc. I begin to think that they would probably like to turn some of that power over in their personal lives and enjoy being the one who receives discipline and direction. Of course, it could go the other way, and they could want the same level of professional control at home. Such a crap shoot.

If approached in a non-business social situation though, are there certain things you'd respond to positively from a woman trying to assert herself? Or would it just be a matter of chemistry, and a pleasant surprise if the D/s pieces fell into place from a social meeting?

quote:

ORIGINAL: iliv2servher

Often the indicators are just not there, espeically with men. This is probably because men are under more social pressure to exhibit agressive (non-submissive) behavior in public (and especially with collegues with whom they work). It is probably easier to spot a submissive woman than it is to single out a submissive man in a vanilla setting.

And then there are those men like myself who are rather hiigh profile in the corporate world, and who are used to taking the lead and making decisions above those around them. No one would ever guess why my BDSM preference is -- even at a social gathering.