xssve
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Joined: 10/10/2009
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A lot of it has to do with mindfullness, I think, focusing on what you're doing, if part of you mind is focused on consequences and what people, especially your partner might be thinking about you, that can be distracting: if they hear the thing they're most apprehensive about, it pushes them over the edge, there's no point holding back now, they can immerse themselves in the role, the act - for me personally, there's nothing worse than a chick who doesn't talk, you have no idea what's going through their heads, I'd almost rather hear abuse than think everything is great and find out later there is big gulf in our perceptions of what is going on.
And I also mention that because that's another dynamic, where the bottom abuses you back, kind of a reverse objectification thing: "hurt me/fuck me harder you bastard"! You don't hear a lot abotu it in here, but it crops up occasionally, and it can get more into non-consent/reluctance, forced sex, etc., but it can often just reflect the passion of the moment.
We all, or many of us anyway, have mixed feelings about our sexuality and how we express it, we have things drilled into us both formally and informally from the time we can talk - at some point we're told not to walk around the house naked - that's just the beginning, and it doesn't end when you become and adult and you're long past the point of needing to give a shit what other people think, but the hooks can go pretty deep.
In BDSM we're going even beyond the average experience, there are people who are humiliated to be seen naked in public, like in the changing room at a public swimming pool or the gym, much less exposing their deepest desires and needs of a sexual nature, things that would get them stared at or openly ridiculed in a more stereotypical social setting, and hearing those fears verbalized is often cathartic in that once it's verbalized it can be dealt with on a conscious level instead of being internalized subconsciously "you think I'm a slut", <pout> - "no, I know you're a slut now get your slut ass over here and act like the slut you are".
i.e., in a sense, you're giving them permission to act like a slut, it past the point of judgement, in for a penny in for a pound. i.e., once the fear is verbalized, it's no longer nagging at the back of your mind, it's out in the open where you can deal with it head on instead of chasing shadows which can be enervating.
I think the harder part is figuring out how far it should go. For some people it's a constant need, they need regular verbal humiliation to stay in that headspace, other need to shift gears, kick out of it, change faces - there is no rule here, it's a highly individualistic thing, even moreso than the sex act itself, which after all, there are only so many ways to do.
The only relevant research I can offer is that self objectification does appear to suppress cognitive function in women at least, and in general I think, there is a fairly large distinction between craving verbal abuse from someone else as catalyst for entering a particular headspace, and external reinforcement of an internalized self loathing - which is at least anecdotally, common among gay/bi men, not surprising given the amount of public censure associated with homosexuality.
Again, don't really have a rule for that, but it is something to be aware of, and verbal abuse can be a method of setting them up for a switch to approval, which may be what they really need - it can be a very subtle interaction, it is a form of communication, they are telling you something, and you have to pay close attention to their responses to figure out what that is, and for you in particular, you may want to set aside some time now and then to just talk about it with him in a neutral way.
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Walking nightmare...
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RE: Verbal Humiliation Q - 
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