RE: He wants me to change....?

RE: He wants me to change....? (Full Version)

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graceadieu -> RE: He wants me to change....? (2/26/2012 11:19:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JeffBC quote: ORIGINAL: Jessymarieh See when you write it like that it's clear he is asking too much of me! Actually, let me put a different spin on that. I'm not one for least common denominator when it comes to relationships. I tend to prefer going for the most I manage. Towards that end, the spin I'd put on this is not that he's asking too much of you, it's that he's delivering too little to you. All of the things you mentioned are things that I have asked of Carol. She's mine -- period. I think the key difference here is that Carol doesn't feel cheated somehow. I ask a lot of her. By her assessment, I deliver value on her investments. She's happy to comply because doing so works out well for her -- she's not the only one giving into the relationship. Like Kana, I tend to view this through the lens of TPE/ownership. But even without that, I like the idea of two people giving the most they can into the relationship rather than the least. Whether that's possible in this situation is, in my opinion, exactly what you two ought to be talking about. That's a great point. [:)] If you know that your partner makes good, responsible choices for you that enrich your life, it makes it a hell of a lot easier to say "yes" every time. Quitting my job to go back to college, for example, wasn't a choice I ever would've made for myself - but it's made me much happier and been really good for me. It was a little tough to accept, at first, because I'm very risk-averse, but even then I knew it was the right decision.

SoftBonds -> RE: He wants me to change....? (2/26/2012 11:21:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Jessymarieh Hi there, I just wanted to share my situation and see if any of you have been in a similar situation. I have been together with my Master for 3 years now, we live together and are usually very happy! Have known him 8 years so we are very close. I just feel like recently he wants me to be something else. For example he wants me to lose some weight. I am not fat, I go running 3 or 4 times a week and eat well! So I joined weight watchers and have stuck to it for 2 months with only 2lb loss. I am human at the end of the day and the fact that he doesn't like how I look is making me upset and my confidence is at an all time low. I have talked to him about it and he said not to get upset about it. He is also annoyed at me because time and time again I refuse to get a tattoo. I told him this when we first met, and I will never change my mind. He always wants me to turn down a promotion at work, which is a 6.5k pay increase. It is just getting to much to handle now, I just feel like I love him, but will never be what he wants me to be. Maybe he just wants me to be a skinny girl, that always says yes, and stays at home all day. I think we need to sit down and talk about what we want. I think you knew the answer before you wrote this. I think you just needed to know that you have support. You do... Sub/slave/whatever, you are still a human being, and if he isn't giving you what you need... So have your talk, but make sure he knows it is a human to human talk, not a sub pleading with her master. Either he will accept you for you, or he will end the relationship (either formally or by refusing to treat you the way you need/deserve to be treated). If he keeps you, then if he wants to spank you or something after, that is his prerogative. I think I'd want to keep open the ability for a sub/slave to use the safeword and have a "outside dom/sub relationship" talk, but I'd probably do at least a mild punishment after so it doesn't become an everyday occurrence... maybe I'm wrong?

graceadieu -> RE: He wants me to change....? (2/26/2012 11:27:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kana Let's go further grace and point out that this weight loss thing need not be negative if handled correctly. As long as it's not an unhealthy amount of weight, of course. (I figured if he wanted her to be anorexically thin she would've said so, and that would've been a whole nother issue.) quote: Yeah-I'm pretty sure my weight loss program wouldn't work. Hahaha, that does sound like a pretty effective incentive. [;)]

MistressEllen444 -> RE: He wants me to change....? (2/26/2012 11:35:26 AM)
My question after looking at this is: What are the consequences if you do not do as you think he expects or wants? I have not seen any mention of what you think will happen if you do not succeed 100% or make the choices he prefers. I want a lot of things and agreeing to a hard limit does not make me want it less and I am not shy about stating what I want. Now, that said, would I force my property to violate a hard limit already agreed upon - never. There is a line between preference and selfishly setting up a situation that makes me look bad and him to lose respect for me. If you do not meet these stated things then what does he say he will do differently than he has in the past? If he is just pushing you because he can and has no sense of your stress (and you have not agreed in advance that you want/need to be pushed) then I would imagine more than just a talk is in order. Some people are very passive aggressive and set you up for failure to increase control - not my style but it happens in all sorts of relationships. As people have said, the demands seem harmful to you on a physical, emotional and financial level. No time with someone is worth that amount of damage - these things once lost are not easily regained.

kitkat105 -> RE: He wants me to change....? (2/26/2012 4:36:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kana quote: ORIGINAL: LoreBook I don't find any of those requests unreasonable (except the promotion one - who doesn't want an extra 6.5k?). I thought that things like that were the prerogative of a "Master". If your "Master" wants you to lose weight; you do what it takes to lose weight. If your "Master" wants you to get a tattoo; you call and make an appointment. If your "Master" wants you to turn down a promotion (I can't imagine why); you turn it down. Otherwise your "Master" isn't your "Master" at all. He may be your Dominant, but if you don't do what he tells you to do, he's not your "Master". Out of the mouth of babes :-) (Referring both to hotness factor and post count-not being derogatory) edited to add smileys I agree with this. Either you sit down and seriously discuss the direction of the relationship, or you leave. Communication is vital, no matter whether you are vanilla, D/s or M/s. As for weight loss, your current fitness/exercise regime is probably at a plateau. It might be worthwhile getting a personal trainer to kick your ass in conjunction with weight watchers. The job promotion may only be a problem if it'll interfere with the time needed for this relationship, or your Master feels threatened by a pay increase. I would think though usually a Master would be supportive of personal and professional development.

yammy600 -> RE: He wants me to change....? (2/26/2012 4:44:38 PM)
If he is making those requests then its time to move on and find someone else that has more respect for you then this person that you mention has Remember i can only comment on what you say an there is always two sides to one story

Baroana -> RE: He wants me to change....? (2/26/2012 5:26:22 PM)
About the weight thing, consult a doctor to find out whether or not it would be healthy for you.

jennileigh8182 -> RE: He wants me to change....? (2/26/2012 5:44:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kana Let's go further grace and point out that this weight loss thing need not be negative if handled correctly. I'm gonna skip the tattoo thing because that's a straight up talk-you had a limit expressed at the beginning, he wants otherwise. But the diet, hell, make a game out of it. Give rewards for each pound, small things, bigger rewards for each 5 pound block. Take her shopping. Do something she likes to do (Maybe even, gag, see a girlie type movie), give the slut orgasms! Lay out lots of positive affirmations, encourage her in every way. And not just that, but I think we are missing out a key fact here-it's hot as fuck when a slave/sub/slut denies herself pleasure as an act of service. In fact, it's kinda the root of all of what we do. that giving of self over and beyond ones personal expectations or rewards because the giving itself is the reward. And self denial can be a smoking hot and sexy part of it. Chain her hungry ass spread-eagled on the bed. Kiss her all over. Start at the face, Cradle her head. Stroke her cheek. Nibble her nape. Blow in her ear while you stroke her all over. Tell her how proud of her you are, how hot her suffering and self denial is, how horny it makes you to watching her give of self to please...even, especially when its something like food. Lick her nipples slow, slide your hand up, down, all around her thighs, vulva, hips, cunt mound...but never actually touch the cunt. Move lower, mouth everywhere-light kisses that flutter and burst, hands busy, coming so close but never making cuntular (Hows that for a coined word!) contact. Drive her to a point of passion that she is arcing her body, begging to be fucking, penetrated, hell just touch my cunt already sorta stuff. Then go to town with every Doms best friend, Mr. Rabbit. Slam that fucker home. No foreplay now,. No fooling around. Just top end vibrating, balls churning on high, slam that puppy in as high, fast and furious, pushing it as far in as humanly as possible... All the while grinding those lovely rabbit ears against her greedy little clit, hard press, soft press, hard press, soft... Wait till she is on the edge of her first orgasm (Which should occur in about .1 seconds), then finish off just as she's letting go by driving a big fat plug up her ass. Make her world explode. I'm talking stars, rockets, fireworks, the whole nine yards. I'm talking break the bed, wake the neighbors, set off car alarms type screaming and bucking. Then continue for about 2, maybe 3 hours like that, smashing her through orgasm after orgasm till she is a sopping spent mess with a big fat well used puffy cunt begging like the broken soul that she is to, "Please, please, no more orgasms. I can't take any more" as she lays in a puddle the size of Lake Ontario. Yeah-I'm pretty sure my weight loss program wouldn't work. I want this weight-loss program. For the OP, I would try to clarify some things. Did he state how much weight he wants you to lose? What type of tattoo is he talking about? (Though, as an accepted hard limit, probably doesn't matter much) What are the specifics of the promotion? When I very first started talking with the dominant I'm seeing, he was annoyed with my job several times because he felt they were taking advantage of me...and we hadn't even met in person yet! I can't imagine he'd ever ask me to leave it, but he did express that he felt badly for me and he felt as if they weren't appreciating me...and that was over the fact that I had never gotten out on time. I was regularly leaving an hour after scheduled and the nurses before me were leaving lots of extra work for me to do. Would your promotion mean lots of travel? Lots of extra hours? Is the compensation just for the increased responsibilities? Is he encouraging you to hold out for a better offer?

JanahX -> RE: He wants me to change....? (2/26/2012 6:26:32 PM)
Im just going to be truthful here. He wants you to slim down because he wants an ideal looking woman. You are not physically doing it for him anymore. What do you think the consequences of not being physically attractive to your partner anymore are? The tattoo thing -----> what tattoo is he wanting you to get and where? The job thing ------> does this position require more hours? Thats the only reason I can think of that he would want you to refuse it. (So you can spend that time serving him and devoting that time to his needs.) That. or he wants to keep you financially dependant on him, so he can control you and keep you financially and firmly under his thumb. You give a variety of issues, but dont give much detail. Its hard to give advice when you dont have the full picture.

Kaliko -> RE: He wants me to change....? (2/26/2012 6:56:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Jessymarieh Hi there, I just wanted to share my situation and see if any of you have been in a similar situation. I have been together with my Master for 3 years now, we live together and are usually very happy! Have known him 8 years so we are very close. I just feel like recently he wants me to be something else. For example he wants me to lose some weight. I am not fat, I go running 3 or 4 times a week and eat well! So I joined weight watchers and have stuck to it for 2 months with only 2lb loss. I am human at the end of the day and the fact that he doesn't like how I look is making me upset and my confidence is at an all time low. I have talked to him about it and he said not to get upset about it. He is also annoyed at me because time and time again I refuse to get a tattoo. I told him this when we first met, and I will never change my mind. He always wants me to turn down a promotion at work, which is a 6.5k pay increase. It is just getting to much to handle now, I just feel like I love him, but will never be what he wants me to be. Maybe he just wants me to be a skinny girl, that always says yes, and stays at home all day. I think we need to sit down and talk about what we want. I would expect that a dominant man would let his submissive know of his preferences for her looks. Weight, hair, makeup, dress. That would be not only okay with me, but expected and appreciated. To me, that's kind of a major point of my being submissive. To please him. (If you were moving into an unhealthy weight, of course that is a different story.) A bit of tact is called for with some personalities and perhaps that's where he's lacking. Since you mentioned the tattoo at the outset, I would think that is unreasonable for him to expect. Perhaps I feel that way because I, too, would never, ever get one. The job? Well, there are a lot of factors that would play into that. Since you already are uncomfortable with his other demands, you don't feel safe with this one. If you felt as safe as you should with him (emotionally safe, I mean), you might view it differently.

littlewonder -> RE: He wants me to change....? (2/26/2012 9:08:32 PM)
you two need to sit down and discuss just what kind of relationship you have because it doesn't sound like a 24/7 TPE one and that's not a problem but you do need to figure that out so you both know where you stand on issues and what both of you are willing to tolerate and not tolerate. As Master has already said, we're 24/7 TPE....he wants me to lose weight, I've been doing everything I can do to that (well except for the last 10 days while I've been on vacation but I'm back as of tonight lol). Will it be unhealthy for me? Probably not. I want to lose the weight just as much as he wants me to because we both like the small petite look. I actually want to lose more weight than he probably wants me to and at that point it will be his decision to make. Once day he's talked about more tats, piercings, headshaving and many other kinds of changes in store for me. I knew that going in and while some of them petrify me, if that's what he wants then that's what he gets because we both walked into this eyes wide open and me knowing what I was getting into. None of it was a dealbreaker. There are things he wants of me that I don't like but I do them because that's what he wants. It may sometimes be what I want as well but that's just a happy note along the side. So you both really need to take a step back and ask yourselves...do you want the same things? Can you do the things he wants? Is he willing to give up on the things you don't want? Stop and start over again from the beginning and this time really talk to each other and find out where you both stand.

SpiritedRadiance -> RE: He wants me to change....? (2/26/2012 10:09:30 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kana Let's go further grace and point out that this weight loss thing need not be negative if handled correctly. I'm gonna skip the tattoo thing because that's a straight up talk-you had a limit expressed at the beginning, he wants otherwise. But the diet, hell, make a game out of it. Give rewards for each pound, small things, bigger rewards for each 5 pound block. Take her shopping. Do something she likes to do (Maybe even, gag, see a girlie type movie), give the slut orgasms! Lay out lots of positive affirmations, encourage her in every way. And not just that, but I think we are missing out a key fact here-it's hot as fuck when a slave/sub/slut denies herself pleasure as an act of service. In fact, it's kinda the root of all of what we do. that giving of self over and beyond ones personal expectations or rewards because the giving itself is the reward. And self denial can be a smoking hot and sexy part of it. Chain her hungry ass spread-eagled on the bed. Kiss her all over. Start at the face, Cradle her head. Stroke her cheek. Nibble her nape. Blow in her ear while you stroke her all over. Tell her how proud of her you are, how hot her suffering and self denial is, how horny it makes you to watching her give of self to please...even, especially when its something like food. Lick her nipples slow, slide your hand up, down, all around her thighs, vulva, hips, cunt mound...but never actually touch the cunt. Move lower, mouth everywhere-light kisses that flutter and burst, hands busy, coming so close but never making cuntular (Hows that for a coined word!) contact. Drive her to a point of passion that she is arcing her body, begging to be fucking, penetrated, hell just touch my cunt already sorta stuff. Then go to town with every Doms best friend, Mr. Rabbit. Slam that fucker home. No foreplay now,. No fooling around. Just top end vibrating, balls churning on high, slam that puppy in as high, fast and furious, pushing it as far in as humanly as possible... All the while grinding those lovely rabbit ears against her greedy little clit, hard press, soft press, hard press, soft... Wait till she is on the edge of her first orgasm (Which should occur in about .1 seconds), then finish off just as she's letting go by driving a big fat plug up her ass. Make her world explode. I'm talking stars, rockets, fireworks, the whole nine yards. I'm talking break the bed, wake the neighbors, set off car alarms type screaming and bucking. Then continue for about 2, maybe 3 hours like that, smashing her through orgasm after orgasm till she is a sopping spent mess with a big fat well used puffy cunt begging like the broken soul that she is to, "Please, please, no more orgasms. I can't take any more" as she lays in a puddle the size of Lake Ontario. Yeah-I'm pretty sure my weight loss program wouldn't work. For me personally it wouldnt work, but then i dont think sacrificing myself or denial just to make someone happy is worthwhile to me... I already have enough suffering in my life... I dont need it when with a dominant partner.. that and... rabbits dont make me cum.

Kana -> RE: He wants me to change....? (2/27/2012 12:02:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SpiritedRadiance quote: ORIGINAL: Kana Let's go further grace and point out that this weight loss thing need not be negative if handled correctly. I'm gonna skip the tattoo thing because that's a straight up talk-you had a limit expressed at the beginning, he wants otherwise. But the diet, hell, make a game out of it. Give rewards for each pound, small things, bigger rewards for each 5 pound block. Take her shopping. Do something she likes to do (Maybe even, gag, see a girlie type movie), give the slut orgasms! Lay out lots of positive affirmations, encourage her in every way. And not just that, but I think we are missing out a key fact here-it's hot as fuck when a slave/sub/slut denies herself pleasure as an act of service. In fact, it's kinda the root of all of what we do. that giving of self over and beyond ones personal expectations or rewards because the giving itself is the reward. And self denial can be a smoking hot and sexy part of it. Chain her hungry ass spread-eagled on the bed. Kiss her all over. Start at the face, Cradle her head. Stroke her cheek. Nibble her nape. Blow in her ear while you stroke her all over. Tell her how proud of her you are, how hot her suffering and self denial is, how horny it makes you to watching her give of self to please...even, especially when its something like food. Lick her nipples slow, slide your hand up, down, all around her thighs, vulva, hips, cunt mound...but never actually touch the cunt. Move lower, mouth everywhere-light kisses that flutter and burst, hands busy, coming so close but never making cuntular (Hows that for a coined word!) contact. Drive her to a point of passion that she is arcing her body, begging to be fucking, penetrated, hell just touch my cunt already sorta stuff. Then go to town with every Doms best friend, Mr. Rabbit. Slam that fucker home. No foreplay now,. No fooling around. Just top end vibrating, balls churning on high, slam that puppy in as high, fast and furious, pushing it as far in as humanly as possible... All the while grinding those lovely rabbit ears against her greedy little clit, hard press, soft press, hard press, soft... Wait till she is on the edge of her first orgasm (Which should occur in about .1 seconds), then finish off just as she's letting go by driving a big fat plug up her ass. Make her world explode. I'm talking stars, rockets, fireworks, the whole nine yards. I'm talking break the bed, wake the neighbors, set off car alarms type screaming and bucking. Then continue for about 2, maybe 3 hours like that, smashing her through orgasm after orgasm till she is a sopping spent mess with a big fat well used puffy cunt begging like the broken soul that she is to, "Please, please, no more orgasms. I can't take any more" as she lays in a puddle the size of Lake Ontario. Yeah-I'm pretty sure my weight loss program wouldn't work. For me personally it wouldnt work, but then i dont think sacrificing myself or denial just to make someone happy is worthwhile to me... I already have enough suffering in my life... I dont need it when with a dominant partner.. that and... rabbits dont make me cum. Dolphin?

myotherself -> RE: He wants me to change....? (2/27/2012 12:07:06 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SpiritedRadiance that and... rabbits dont make me cum. ...sobs

Kana -> RE: He wants me to change....? (2/27/2012 12:08:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: myotherself quote: ORIGINAL: SpiritedRadiance that and... rabbits dont make me cum. ...sobs Too fucking funny :-)

SpiritedRadiance -> RE: He wants me to change....? (2/27/2012 12:16:35 AM)
Nope... nothing thats built for clit and insertion works because if my anatomy... its either too long or too short or just not right or the clit part fits snugly but you cant actually use the insertion... give me a simple small "finger" massager and a tilted gspot insert... and im golden.... Im not even a hitachi girl... thing melts piercings...

SpiritedRadiance -> RE: He wants me to change....? (2/27/2012 12:18:03 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: myotherself quote: ORIGINAL: SpiritedRadiance that and... rabbits dont make me cum. ...sobs Sweetie your a bunny not a rabbit... HUGE difference there hands tissue

Kana -> RE: He wants me to change....? (2/27/2012 12:24:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SpiritedRadiance Nope... nothing thats built for clit and insertion works because if my anatomy... its either too long or too short or just not right or the clit part fits snugly but you cant actually use the insertion... give me a simple small "finger" massager and a tilted gspot insert... and im golden.... Im not even a hitachi girl... thing melts piercings... Grins Well, hopefully He has some minor effect as well :-) You know, that whole long seduction thing. I mean, that's what the idea is in the end. To celebrate with a sharing of closeness. She gives of herself to him. In return he gives of himself to her. Take what could be a spiral heading down, turn it into a tornado spiraling higher as she feeds into he and he her. The vibe was just a resplendent touch

SpiritedRadiance -> RE: He wants me to change....? (2/27/2012 12:26:08 AM)
Eh, Most men arent worth the trouble to get laid..... Besides ill trade the vibes and the down the merry lain for a few sharp and shiny things any day .... Sex, orgasms are nice... High that lasts a month? So much more inciting

Kana -> RE: He wants me to change....? (2/27/2012 12:43:14 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SpiritedRadiance Eh, Most men arent worth the trouble to get laid..... Besides ill trade the vibes and the down the merry lain for a few sharp and shiny things any day .... Sex, orgasms are nice... High that lasts a month? So much more inciting Alrighty then. That says a whole helluva lot there. You know what that altruism bout not being able to please all the people all the time... I think you've kinda missed the point. I was suggesting a way to turn something that many people here have approached as a negative into a thing that could be positive for both parties involved I put out a general scenario as an example. If that particular scene doesn't float your boat-fine. Insert one that will.Whatever works for you. The idea was to take something that had become an obstacle and have them meet it together, turn this into a thing that strengthened their relationship. Something like getting out of the problem and into the solution. You know...Good stuff. Good for her. Good for him. Good for them. And with that I'm invoking Kana's Law and calling it quits on this discourse.

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