RE: Would I be topping from the bottom?

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RE: Would I be topping from the bottom? - 3/10/2012 9:59:21 AM

Baroana

Posts: 1480
Joined: 11/13/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ScoutsHonor

As a sub with an over active imagination I am always fantasizing about rules or commands that I would love for a Dom to make. My question is, would shareing these fantasies or asking for the rules be topping from the bottom, because that's something I really don't want to do, even on accident.

Addressing the OP, however, I agree with others here who say that you should certainly be able to share your fantasies. Sharing is not demanding. Personally, I want my sub men to tell me all about what turns them on and off. That information comes in very handy.

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RE: Would I be topping from the bottom? - 3/10/2012 10:47:49 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Baroana
In the non-pro scene, there are subs who try to make a dom service their personal kinks. Though they don't say it, there is a definite My Way or the Highway attitude there. If the dom won't dom the way the sub wants, then the sub will hit the road. That I didn't have to learn from any book.

I don't view that as TFTB but trying to get a need met. And I view both the top and the bottom here as failures in communicating because a discussion of kinks and compatibility should have been discussed before they got to the point of committing to each other in a d/s relationship.

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RE: Would I be topping from the bottom? - 3/10/2012 10:53:36 AM

Baroana

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: Baroana
In the non-pro scene, there are subs who try to make a dom service their personal kinks. Though they don't say it, there is a definite My Way or the Highway attitude there. If the dom won't dom the way the sub wants, then the sub will hit the road. That I didn't have to learn from any book.

I don't view that as TFTB but trying to get a need met. And I view both the top and the bottom here as failures in communicating because a discussion of kinks and compatibility should have been discussed before they got to the point of committing to each other in a d/s relationship.

Who said anything about a commitment or relationship? These would be people I met once or twice.

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RE: Would I be topping from the bottom? - 3/10/2012 11:36:23 AM

Alecta

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Joined: 1/19/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SpiritedRadiance

its can only exist if the dominant bottoms from the top..

Sorry your either in control, or your not, if your not dont blame it on the submissive, blame it on yourself...

That's only true on the assumption that they'd succeeded and have been doing so for any period of time. Nothing stops people from trying. There's been plenty of threads on here alone started by men attempting to top from the bottom with their rules of "how to get a sub" and etc., you should know lol

Topping from the bottom is manipulating (or trying to manipulate) Dom/me into becoming your kink delivery system, to only do the things you want, exactly when you want, how you want, generally with no sensitivity to the Dom/me's needs. It usually occurs before the Dom/me and sub are officially in a relationship of any sort (barring pro) because most Dom/mes, we like to think, spot it quickly and the relationship never happens. For Pros, though, that's part of the territory. By definition most clients are bottom toppers because they, ultimately, hold the power. Not to say that there aren't arrangements where this is untrue.

Generally, it has no place in a healthy relationship, but the qualifier must be made that not all kinksters want healthy relationships. Some Dom/mes genuinely enjoy breaking those types down, and some subs genuinely want to be broken down. *shrug* To each their own.

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RE: Would I be topping from the bottom? - 3/10/2012 12:31:30 PM

ScoutsHonor

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It never occurred to me that NOT sharing would be keeping a part of myself from my Dom and therefore be wrong but it makes perfect sense.

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RE: Would I be topping from the bottom? - 3/17/2012 12:14:43 PM

AineofTx

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Joined: 1/31/2012
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quote:

I hate to break the news for you but topping from the bottom doesnt exist..

Its emotional manipulation used by weak insecure and unskilled dominants, who cannot inspire a submissive to obey with out using extremely dirty tricks. Like making a submissive feel bad.. for their own short comings.

Ouch. I know more than one Dom who would shudder at that comment. But I think you are dead-on. Thank you for putting into words something I have had floating around subconsciously for some time. :)

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RE: Would I be topping from the bottom? - 3/18/2012 4:17:49 AM

DesFIP

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Baroana
Who said anything about a commitment or relationship? These would be people I met once or twice.

Then they aren't submitting to you, they are bottoming only. In which case both of you are still responsible for not negotiating ahead of time about what you both want from a scene.

Why the hell should someone trust a total stranger to do whatever they want when they aren't getting anything out of it? If the bottom hates needles and electricity, but those are your fav things, then you should have discussed it ahead of time. If the bottom lives for flogging and you hate it, then it should have been discussed ahead of time. That way both of you would walk away happy for the encounter.

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RE: Would I be topping from the bottom? - 3/23/2012 1:15:34 AM

MasterAutarch

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Joined: 3/6/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ScoutsHonor
I wanted to know in advance if most Doms would take my fantasies or requests as TFTB.

Don't worry about what most Doms would think. Focus on what your ideal Dom wold want or think - not on what we tell you they should but on what YOU want them to think and want. Now you know on feature you are looking for in your Dom.

The bottom line is: How do you communicate with your Dom?

If you don't communicate the relationship will sour and fall apart. It takes an effort by at least two people to communicate. If one of you is unwilling to say something or unwilling to listen the relationship will wither.

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RE: Would I be topping from the bottom? - 3/24/2012 2:52:07 AM

MissCake

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Mostly these relationships we get into are pretty mutual, open to a lot of discussion, flexible and fluid. All of that sounds undomly, but it's the truth. Yes, sometimes we talk as if we are graded by our adherence to some Dom rule book dropped from on high, but that's not really true.

This world is full of people who don't give a fuck what you think, how you feel, or what your goals are in life. Don't go out of your way to please those folks, let alone get into a relationship with them. Find the dominant who is worth your time, who seriously digs what you are about, and really wants to know what makes you tick.

But do know that your dominant is not some magic fantasy granting machine. For one thing, even if he or she wanted to be, fantasies acted out in real life are never a perfect replica of what you have in your head. They will always differ, and sometimes that thing that is so awesome in your head turns out to not feel the way you thought it would - for the better or for the worse. When it becomes topping from the bottom is when you so relentlessly pursue or push an agenda that you don't give consideration to what your dominants interests or needs are.

I have a wonderful sub friend who has taught me a lot about spanking techniques since he is such a connoisseur and because i am open to his feedback, suggestion, even initiative, I have gotten the benefit of his wisdom, instead of being so full of myself that I refused to listen.

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RE: Would I be topping from the bottom? - 3/24/2012 8:02:30 PM

ConfidencePlays

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To the OP, absolutely not. What it is is a beautiful expression of interest in the relationship, the play, and the intimacy. Personally, I would encourage this kind of input, under a few personal rules of protocol, IE; not right in the middle of a scene.

You should never be afraid to communicate your desires, preferences and needs, IMO. Relationships work or don't work based on mutual fulfillment. If only one side of the equation is getting what they need, what motivation keeps the other side involved?

Good question, I hope my answer is useful.

- Will

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