safety tips for first time encounters (Full Version)

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AngstyMary -> safety tips for first time encounters (3/12/2012 6:20:45 PM)

Hi, I'm new to this scene and am looking for advice from more seasoned folk about safety tips for first time encounters. I'm a domme, but still have some concerns about meeting a strange man met off the internet for the first time. What are some ways y'all screen potential subs?

An obvious one is to meet him/her in a public place first, and get to know him/her in a "safe zone." Anything else?




hausboy -> RE: safety tips for first time encounters (3/12/2012 7:20:47 PM)

Hi AngstyMary;

http://www.collarchat.com/m_266/mpage_1/tm.htm

above is an old thread on the topic for reference (please don't reply to it because it's been long retired) Most of the safety tips are however, from the bottoms point of view.

Meeting in a public place during daytime hours is always prudent. I always let someone know where I'm going and who I'm going to see--I had one very close trusted friend who would text me at 10 min, 30 min and 1 hour. I fully disclosed to my "date" that it was a safe call text, and that's why I was answering it. (didn't want to appear rude) She totally understood--and she had a safe call as well.

When possible, I try to meet them at a play party--esp. if they are playing with someone else. Gives me a chance to observe them at someone else's "expense". I have asked for references, but that was back in the days before internet and chat rooms.

I usually engage in dialogue with them about their likes, dislikes experiences and expectations. If they don't have the time to write thoughtful, clear correspondence, they aren't the right person for me--they are probably out for a quickie.

I always keep two types of handcuff keys someplace where I can access them, as well as a knife if I have to cut myself free. (I've learned quite a few escape and contraband hiding tricks over the years. I ain't telling.)

Trust you gut--if something feels wrong, don't do it. Better to leave him/her wanting more than going too far first time out. Take separate vehicles. Don't share too much info about yourself until you feel safe.

good luck




peppermint -> RE: safety tips for first time encounters (3/13/2012 11:42:48 AM)

Safest place to meet someone new is at munch. 




hausboy -> RE: safety tips for first time encounters (3/13/2012 6:59:57 PM)

I totally agree peppermint.
Munch is my first choice, a play party is my second--and coffee at a well-light, quiet cafe during the day is 3rd.

quote:

ORIGINAL: peppermint

Safest place to meet someone new is at munch. 





cincydom1958 -> RE: safety tips for first time encounters (3/14/2012 6:15:35 AM)

Hi there: I would follow the Craigslist internet safety rules (for buying selling, but they work here too):

Meet someone only in highly public place. (I suggest Cracker Barrel/Olive Garden which always have people in them)
Do not get in their car.
Do NOT give personal address info and full name (yet).
You may give a cell phone number to help with logistics at rendevous. Get a disposable cell if you think that too risky.

The above may be stand-offish, but not getting killed is worth it.




Aileen1968 -> RE: safety tips for first time encounters (3/14/2012 7:00:02 PM)

Uh oh....
I got in his car. He knew my full name and address and my cell number.

Gut instinct goes a long way.




PateSucree -> RE: safety tips for first time encounters (4/3/2012 8:46:55 AM)

Mace is legal in RI. I tuck it in my bra, and when I'm nude, keep it under my pillow. They also make like, mace rings you can wear, if you're ok with looking like one of the wonder twins.




fucktoyprincess -> RE: safety tips for first time encounters (4/3/2012 6:35:11 PM)

In addition to other comments will add:

Try to get sufficient information about them through correspondence that you feel you can trust to meet them even for a coffee. Someone who isn't willing to share much information is probably hiding something or untrustworthy for other reasons. Don't ever agree to play at a first meet. Make it clear that the two of you have to get to know each other first (however long you feel that takes) before moving forward. The better you get at screening up front, the less trouble you are likely to get into later on. With that said, dangerous people don't generally go advertising that about themselves. So I would ask them the questions you feel you need answered before you feel comfortable meeting, and do not settle for partial or non-answers to basic critical information. Use your common sense. Anything that sounds off, probably is.

Have a safe call set up if there is someone you can trust to play that role for you.

Write out everything you know about them, and the date and time of your first several meetings on a post-it and put it on your computer screen before you go to meet them.

Agreeing to move forward/agreeing to play/etc. requires a whole host of other considerations given that this is a BDSM site. I would say that even though you are a Dominant, some of the same considerations as a submissive apply. You have to be able to trust someone to play, regardless of your role. Because consent is such a critical piece of BDSM, and the only thing that separates much of what happens from criminal assault, or worse, be sure you understand the risks from a Dominant's perspective, and screen your potential partners and negotiate play accordingly. Ignorance of either person is really not an excuse.

Play safe...oh, and have fun [:)]








Aswad -> RE: safety tips for first time encounters (4/5/2012 9:15:11 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: PateSucree

Mace is legal in RI. I tuck it in my bra, and when I'm nude, keep it under my pillow. They also make like, mace rings you can wear, if you're ok with looking like one of the wonder twins.


Seriously creepy. This will do nothing to enhance your safety, a lot to create a false sense of security, and a bit to increase the odds of a harmful misunderstanding. Put quite simply, if I wanted to do something inappropriate, the most likely place for that mace to end up would not be my face, but rather your rectum.

Aileen makes a good point: gut feeling goes a long way... pun not intended.

Health,
al-Aswad.




PateSucree -> RE: safety tips for first time encounters (4/5/2012 12:46:30 PM)

Dude, I make cupcakes for a living, I'm about as uncreepy as it gets. Isn't it a bit creepy to consider putting mace up someone's ass? Obviously letting people know the mace is there is unwise. My sessions are pretty tame compared to what some people do, there is absolutely no reason under normal play circumstances why a sub would make an unexpected sudden move toward me or grab me in a rough way or really do anything at all to make me feel threatened. So I don't think there will be any misunderstanding. Play nice, no problem.

I would never play with someone who made me feel uncomfortable anyway, but I've lived in the shitty side of town long enough to know that it never hurts to take precautions. I always have mace on me, even when I go to the grocery store- there's just too much shit that can happen to a 115 pound girl physically incapable of running.




PateSucree -> RE: safety tips for first time encounters (4/5/2012 1:25:33 PM)

I guess really my point is, if you live in Olneyville, you should own mace anyway, even if you're not in the habit of undressing for unfamiliar men.




LafayetteLady -> RE: safety tips for first time encounters (4/5/2012 11:17:25 PM)

Your profile indicates you are a pro (even though you don't consider yourself one) and that you have a "sister" Domme that you share a dungeon with.  Why would having them come to that dungeon (where presumably your business partner would also be) be unsafe?

If you prefer to meet your cliets face to face prior to scheduling a session, meet in a public place.  If you don't care if you meet them prior to a session, since it is a paid for session, it would seem there is nothing inappropriate with someone else being present.




Aswad -> RE: safety tips for first time encounters (4/8/2012 1:23:09 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: PateSucree

Dude, I make cupcakes for a living, I'm about as uncreepy as it gets.


Never said you were creepy.

I said keeping mace around for a meeting was creepy.

This is similar to the concealed carry problem: by the time you think to reach, it's too late. Nails and pointy shoes will do a better job, and they are always available and concealed in plain sight. If you get a chance to spray someone with mace, it's either (a) because there was no reason to do so, or (b) because you got lucky.

quote:

Isn't it a bit creepy to consider putting mace up someone's ass?


Nah. It's great fun. [:D]

Mace isn't CN-gas anymore, it's capsaicin, which means it will burn like hell, but it won't do any lasting damage. At least as far as I know. I haven't actually tried it, seeing as I would like to stick something else in there later, without getting it covered in capsaicin.

But you kind of missed the point:

If someone is looking to assault you, he will take the mace from you, and then use it on you. Unless you've already got your mace out before things start to happen, it'll be too late, because the attacker has the reaction time advantage and is already surging with adrenalin from the moment they cross the mental line of "I'm really going to do this." and onward. Instead, just be aware of the risk, pay attention to your surroundings and your gut feeling, and get away if the situation starts looking problematic.

Violent crimes and sexual assaults have steps to them. The mace only becomes relevant after you've already failed to preemt an attack at every one of the preceding steps, and it's sadly a common misconception that the chances are going to be any better at the last couple of steps, or that the mace will radically alter the odds. Your best bet, if you've already arrived at that point, is to surprise him by clawing for the eyes or kicking for the knees while yelling "fire!" at the top of your lungs, and then running like hell in the brief moment the surprise lasts.

The majority of rapists will abort when they're faced with any real resistance, and while the risk of sustaining some minor injuries will increase, the risk of getting killed or penetrated will dramatically decrease; also, you're maximizing the likelihood of securing DNA evidence and witnesses with flashbulb memories of his face, even if he aborts.

Mace is a control weapon, which is how and why police use it.

It's far more useful to a rapist than a potential victim.

In the course of planning fantasy "rape" scenarios, I've given a fair bit of thought to the various ways to do one, and one of the first things I thought of was mace, simply because it puts control in the hands of the "attacker" right away and gives a shocking "diving in" start to the whole experience, with fear, pain, adrenalin, blindness, gagging and so forth. Of course, for a non-masochist, a xenon flashbulb will also induce temporary blindness without that persisting burning sensation, but a real rapist is unlikely to be that sophisticated (aren't we all glad pondersome perverts like me stick with willing women?).

If carrying a can of mace makes you feel safer, then don't carry one.

It just dulls the senses that'll keep you out of trouble.

quote:

Obviously letting people know the mace is there is unwise.


Hardly. It's like with guns: people overestimate the risk.

If you surprise them, it's down to a physical conflict, and chances are they will avoid getting sprayed with it. There's also a good chance they'll gain control over it, in which case you're screwed, quite possibly literally so. (Guns are much the same, except the outcome is more likely to be fatal; quite a few people are shot with their own self defense firearms.)

The goal is to avoid having it come down to an actual conflict, and leaving the mace where they can see it puts them on notice. It doesn't significantly reduce your chances of using it, and it dramatically increases the chance that they will chicken out. Courage isn't exactly a defining trait in most rapists.

quote:

I would never play with someone who made me feel uncomfortable anyway, but I've lived in the shitty side of town long enough to know that it never hurts to take precautions. I always have mace on me, even when I go to the grocery store- there's just too much shit that can happen to a 115 pound girl physically incapable of running.


Define physically incapable of running?

Obviously, this isn't detailed advice tailored to your situation, but I've rarely encountered any woman whose safety could be enhanced by planning on the use of mace or the like in a self defense scenario. I have, however, encountered women that learned too late that having false security is worse than no security at all. And I have provided advice and training that have been successful in preventing assaults.

It's not strictly speaking a major focus of mine. I just think that, as you say, there's a lot of shit that can happen, and it makes me feel useful to try to offer what I know to be proven helpful advice, along with training in those self-defense techniques I have learned.

Health,
al-Aswad.




PateSucree -> RE: safety tips for first time encounters (4/9/2012 2:19:15 PM)

Physically incapable of running as in I shattered my heel by (stupidly) jumping out a second story window last summer. I walk with a limp, and my version of "running" looks like a zombie shuffle.

Given your position on firearms, which I have/will continue to train to use and apply for a license to carry, I think we will have to agree to disagree. I agree that no one should own any weapon they have not been trained to use.

[img]http://farm7.static.flickr.com/6105/6249163673_d0fb04bf4d.jpg[/img]




mnottertail -> RE: safety tips for first time encounters (4/9/2012 2:21:24 PM)

You shoulda stayed there and went toe to toe with the slut when she came home and caught you with her husband.   I think you coulda took her.





ChatteParfaitt -> RE: safety tips for first time encounters (4/9/2012 2:32:44 PM)

You are a dom female working out of a dung and you need first time safety tips?

Er, okay. What everyone else said. The thing is, if you don't feel safe meeting your clients er subs alone in public, you won't have many. Most who seek what you offer want confidentiality above all.

I suggest you meet in a public place: restaurant, bar, coffee shop, and have "security" seated close by, just in case. You don't tell your client, and have that security person on speed dial and within sight.

Then trust your gut. If the person gives off creepy vibes, pay attention. Most will be nervous if it's a first time meet, especially if it's a first time session, so take that into account when you are assessing vibe.

That's all I got. Meeting strange men you don't know alone for kinky stuff is risky. Deal with that.





tsatske -> RE: safety tips for first time encounters (4/9/2012 2:35:42 PM)

Ass play is not on my list of favorite things, but I think I might enjoy the mace up the arse scenero. That sounds fun, or, if not fun, at lease differant, and I'm always for differant.

I've never been maced, but my sister has, and I've listened to lectures by cops who have (where I live, in order to get certified for any cop work that will involve mace, like crowd control, you must take a class that involves being volenteerily maced.) She and the lecturer described it as pretty horrible. My sister refuses to carry it because she is convinced that, knowing what it feels like, she would hesitate to use it until it was too late, and then it would get used against her, and she does NOT want that.




kalikshama -> RE: safety tips for first time encounters (4/9/2012 3:16:38 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: PateSucree



Welcome MA North Shore from the South Shore :)




PateSucree -> RE: safety tips for first time encounters (4/9/2012 3:51:03 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

You shoulda stayed there and went toe to toe with the slut when she came home and caught you with her husband.   I think you coulda took her.




Err, the reason I jumped out the window is actually MUCH dumber. There was absolutely no one else involved.

And Hollah Kalikshama! I'm actually in Providence now (me and AngstyMary are neighbors) but I did my gun class in Tewksbury, with my mom, and we will probably continue to go to classes + practice there.




Aswad -> RE: safety tips for first time encounters (4/10/2012 10:10:01 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: PateSucree

Given your position on firearms, which I have/will continue to train to use and apply for a license to carry, I think we will have to agree to disagree.


I think you've misread my position on firearms.

Admittedly, I'm a rifle person, not a handgun person. You find a way to legalize 50BMG where I live and the first hundred rounds are on me. So, not a gun control nut. But if you're qualified to carry a handgun, then you should already know the things I pointed out.

Health,
al-Aswad.





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