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new to this and have some questions - 3/23/2012 9:25:26 AM

youngdom25

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hi, I have been engaged to a lovely older slave for the past two years, and she is my first exposure to BDSM, we play regularly and I've been loving it, but have a few questions. My first is what exactly is a daddy dom? She has called me a ''daddy dom with a sadistic streak'' and since I do enjoy being called daddy and hurting her I suppose it's apt, but I have been trying to figure out what exactly the daddy dom bit means and have been unsuccessful thus far. Secondly, I want to assert my dominance outside the bedroom more often but sometimes have a problem doing that because I love her dearly and outside of the bedroom I tend to have a mindset of spoiling her and giving her what she asks for, but would like to firm up some and enforce rules and such, has anyone else had this problem? If so how did you get past it? Is it just something I'll have to grow into?

< Message edited by youngdom25 -- 3/23/2012 9:44:47 AM >

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RE: new to this and have some questions - 3/23/2012 9:29:20 AM

heartfeltsub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: youngdom25

hi, I have been engaged to a lovely older slave for the past two years, and she is my first exposure to BDSM, we play regularly and I've been loving it, but have a few questions. My first is what exactly is a daddy dom? She has called me a ''daddy dom with a sadistic streak'' and since I do enjoy being called daddy and hurting her so I suppose it's apt, but I have been trying to figure out what exactly the daddy dom bit means and have been unsuccessful thus far. Secondly, I want to assert my dominance outside the bedroom more often but sometimes have a problem doing that because I love her dearly and outside of the bedroom I tend to have a mindset of spoiling her and giving her what she asks for, but would like to firm up some and enforce rules and such, has anyone else had this problem? If so how did you get past it? Is it just something I'll have to grow into?

That is probably why she calls you a Daddy Dom because quite often that is how a Daddy Dom acts pampering his little girl. As for the other things, I can't help you much, I hope you get some good responses.

heartfelt

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RE: new to this and have some questions - 3/23/2012 9:31:40 AM

ProlificNeeds

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'Daddy Doms' can be different to each relationship, but often the protector/spoiling is pretty common among such dynamics. The unenlightened mistake it for age play, and to some it is, but most I've talked to don;t engage in ageplay like that, it's just that the dynamic they have ends up with the Dom being quite 'fatherly' in many regards.

You could always take it further, instead of trying to assert sadism outside the bedroom, enhance that natural daddy instinct you have. Give her bedtimes, homework checks? Make her 'earn' her allowence for the week? (IE any 'mad money' she has to get approved by you).

Exploring other things is always fun, but don't feel you have to be any particular way, do what comes naturally and what you both enjoy most. There's never a need to fit yourself into any stereotype.

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RE: new to this and have some questions - 3/23/2012 11:58:44 AM

JeffBC

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quote:

ORIGINAL: youngdom25
outside of the bedroom I tend to have a mindset of spoiling her and giving her what she asks for, but would like to firm up some and enforce rules and such, has anyone else had this problem? If so how did you get past it? Is it just something I'll have to grow into?

Let's take that as two problems, not one.

#1) You like to spoil the woman you love.
I'm going to declare this "not a problem"... or, at least, not a problem for me and apparently not one for you.

#2) You want to firm up and enforce some rules
Well, that IS a problem, assuming that these rules actually have any point. My advice is to get out of BDSM-think and into "I'm responsible for running a household" think. Make rules and enforce them when doing so is necessary to the success or happiness of the household. Avoid fluff rules. That way, what strengthens you do be the "tough love" leader is that you know actual reality supports you. It's either "enforce the rule" or "suck as a partner".

Yes, you'll need to grow into it all... as will she.

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RE: new to this and have some questions - 3/24/2012 12:57:52 PM

aaron237

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Whoa I can relate. My first 24/7 slave was older and called me a daddy with a sadistic streak. I had the same problem and it really is something you just have to get used to. I can't speak for anyone else, but my submissives and slaves have always craved my dominance. So by giving it to them - being assertive, controlling, scary, and nurturing - I in fact spoil them. You need to constantly remind yourself that when you give her orders outside the bedroom you are not being a dick...even if she doesn't like the orders right away. On some level, she needs and adores it. Many submissives will fight you on it when you try to enforce a rule only to submit abruptly and sheepishly admit that they like how firm you were.

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RE: new to this and have some questions - 3/24/2012 1:04:42 PM

ChatteParfaitt

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You have gotten some great advice.

First, learn and discover together and make your own way, don't feel you have to fit into anyone's stereotype.

And second, make the rules fun, make them pertinent to your living conditions, or both.

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RE: new to this and have some questions - 3/24/2012 5:35:53 PM

youngdom25

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many thanks to everyone, my problem was defined exactly by aaron, I just feel like a dick when I try to be firm and dominant. When I get around that her reaction is just the best, thank you again for all your responses

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RE: new to this and have some questions - 3/24/2012 9:59:07 PM

warlock1935

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OP said: "I just feel like a dick when I try to be firm and dominant. When I get around that her reaction is just the best:"
We all go through that at the beginning, just like we have to get over the "Decent guys don't hit girls" thing. If you're like me, you will still, even after twenty years of owning women, sometimes and with some subs tend to be a bit too gentle for their own good. It's a tendency I will probably always have to be on the lookout for.
Best of luck and have fun!

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RE: new to this and have some questions - 3/25/2012 12:21:47 AM

FrankAr

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Greetings,

My first question would be how much older is she to you ? The second one would be is how much experience has she under the belt compared to you ?

I am asking you this because it seems that you are in a ....kinky sex with BDSM...phase of life. What type of Dominant or Master would you like to be ? You should have tried to understand what types there were by reading up on it. I mean if you are ok with being a Daddy Dom, well then good for you and the relationship will develope quite well from there.

If you deeply desire to have a full on Master type of relationship with another female then being a Daddy Dom might interfer with this because your set of rules might not work well with the submissive / slave type of baby girls out there.

Just my opinion.

Frank Ar.

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RE: new to this and have some questions - 3/25/2012 10:06:13 AM

youngdom25

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in answer to your question she is 34 and I am 22, I don't know exactly how long she's been a part of this lifestyle but it's pretty extensive. Secondly I don't think it is a phase, and I am quite happy with my daddy dom role, simply trying to expand it from a bedroom only role into 24/7 and understand my role a little better, I understand everything is entirely subjective and every relationship is different, I'm just new and need the advice of those more experienced than I.

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RE: new to this and have some questions - 3/25/2012 11:26:02 AM

JeffBC

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quote:

ORIGINAL: youngdom25
I'm just new and need the advice of those more experienced than I.

No you don't. That's my advice... you don't need any advice.

Seriously, how could I help you any? I'm not there. I don't know you. I don't know the woman. What I do know is that it sounds like you two are managing just fine all by yourselves.

But yes, as others have said, I had to go through the "decent guys don't" line of thinking too. For me it was, "By what right do I take ownership of my wife, expect her to obey, and make changes to her psyche?" For me, the problem I was facing down was enslaving a human being -- not in the sense of kinky dating but rather in the sense of "she belongs to me now". Honestly, good people just DON'T do that.

For my own self. the answer to "by what right?" was, "because I can." I don't need any "right" to do what I do with Carol. It is self-justifying. That led me to the real question... but am I doing a good thing? The answer to that cannot be found in dominance or leadership. Those are just tools. In the end, they are good if you turn them to good ends and they are evil otherwise.

I just feel like a dick when I try to be firm and dominant

But are you BEING a dick? That is the question. The commands that you are giving... are they good commands or are they the commands of a dick? The commands themselves are neutral. For me, the commands I give enrich our marriage. Sometimes they are selfish. Sometimes they are giving. But always, they are intended to enrich our marriage. Carol would fully agree with that assertion. THAT is what saves me from "being a dick."

I hope any of that helped.

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RE: new to this and have some questions - 3/25/2012 1:04:06 PM

youngdom25

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actually that was very helpful, and perhaps my phrasing was a little off, I surely don't NEED advice, but I do enjoy reflecting upon the experiences of those who share a similar path as myself

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RE: new to this and have some questions - 3/25/2012 4:23:45 PM

JeffBC

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quote:

ORIGINAL: youngdom25
actually that was very helpful, and perhaps my phrasing was a little off, I surely don't NEED advice, but I do enjoy reflecting upon the experiences of those who share a similar path as myself

Actually, I didn't mean to imply that you somehow sounded desperate for advice. Quite the contrary. As I read your post it seemed you really didn't need much... or guidance for that matter. It seems (reading in between the lines a lot) that you and your sub have a good thing going. That means (in my mind) you probably are better off looking inside yourself and talking to each other than you are getting any input from random strangers on the internet.

Let me add something else now to help bolster your viewpoint on this whole "being a dick" thing. NOBODY that I know of resents a great leader. People talk in hushed and reverent tones about great leaders. These are the people that engender respect. Being in charge doesn't make you a dick. Being a great guy in charge makes you a great guy doing a lot of good. Being a dick in charge makes you a dick doing a lot of bad.

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RE: new to this and have some questions - 3/25/2012 5:05:20 PM

youngdom25

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oh no that's not how I took that, was just saying that while I may not need it it's always nice to learn from those who've been doing whatever, whether it's guitar, bdsm, etc., I have a pretty good idea of what works between the two of us, but I'm still a bit of a baby as far as domming goes and I love learning.

after reading and discussing everythin here have a good feeling that when she's over tomorrow I'll be more confident than ever about my skill and how well I'm domming.

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