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RE: molested as child/sub as an adult - 6/4/2006 8:12:35 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Again I see this as absolutely nothing to do with Ds or what orientation a person is.

Knowing who you are with is important to forming a strong long term commitment to them.  How much detail a person "knows" might be negotiable, but certainly being AWARE of major events like this in a persons past and how it affects their present seems to be sort of a "duh" for me when getting seriously involved with someone.

Whether it's dom, sub or vanilla.

_____________________________

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(in reply to whtsubf4DOM)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: molested as child/sub as an adult - 6/4/2006 12:28:21 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: whtsubf4DOM

I know what you mean about the tears. I've been crying all day today. My friend is completely broken. He wants so much more for his life, but is scared sh--less to pursue counseling because he doesn't want to dredge all that pain up again. He just sticks with the familiar because it's "safe."

My heart hurts for him...


Sometimes we stay in hell because we know all the street names. he's very familiar with the pain he currently has and had fear about what life would be like without the pain, because that's the unknown.

Relationships of any kind shouldn't be used as therapy. It's unfair to your partner to expect them to heal you; you have to work on healing yourself. Healthy relationships can help overcome the pain, but aren't the proper source of therapy.

I feel for your friend, too. Molestation and rape are traumatic things. Point out that if he does nothing, he has no hope of getting better. If he tries, there's a chance that he will.

Master Fire


_____________________________

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(in reply to whtsubf4DOM)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: molested as child/sub as an adult - 6/4/2006 12:37:16 PM   
electro3180


Posts: 10
Joined: 10/19/2005
Status: offline 		Well, lissen here...
I was 10 when my baby-raping cousin.... "DID ME".... It was mostly my fault because I was curious about his ThXXg!
I don't feel bad about it.... it just happened.
Yes, it probabably made me "BI"... but I like it that way!
electro3180

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: molested as child/sub as an adult - 6/4/2006 1:12:26 PM   
Proprietrix


Posts: 756
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Ohio/West Virginia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Level
As for "masters caring", some do and some don't. Dominants are human beings, not some fountain of super-ethics. Your friend does indeed sound as if he could use some professional help, maybe it would assist him in seeing how destructive his behaviour is. 
Level


I absolutely agree. This plays right in with all those myths of the lifestyle, including the one that Dominants are supposedly these PhD carrying, cure-all, honest, integrity-flooded, know-all and be-all cures to their submissives.
The OP question was:
Do they care? Should they care?
Some do. Some don’t. It depends on the relationship. It does no one any good to assume that just because someone is a Dominant, that their relationships are these 24/7 TPE, lovey-dovey, monogamously coupled for life, happily ever after, fairy tale love stories.
There are some Dominants who just want to have a good time with casual partners, boss around their part-time subbies a bit, get their feet rubbed, and have some fun S&M or kinky sex, without having to fill the shoes of therapist, lover, teacher, parent, etc.
For them, no, they shouldn’t have to necessarily ‘care’ about the baggage and childhood trauma/crisis issues of others.
They both come to the tables as adults.

_____________________________

IMO, IMHO, YMMV, AFAIK, to me, I see it as, from my perspective, it's been my experience, I only speak for myself, (and all other disclaimers here).

(in reply to Level)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: molested as child/sub as an adult - 6/4/2006 3:58:03 PM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		As a survivor of childhood abuse (sexual and other) and as one who also blocked out most of my childhood memories, i would strongly agree with the need for some professional help. Reliving the situations without actually dealing with the pain may at times be cathartic but can also be reaffirming a lack of self-worth, like a self fulfilling prophecy that he is not worth being treated better, which in his case (from your description) seems to be happening.

i know that the pain of dealing with the wounds of the past can be very scary and can seem to be completely devastating, but not dealing with it, it wounding him now and he remains the victims of those who abused him. Please tell you friend that he is not alone, there are others who have walked the same path and if we have walked through the wall of pain, he can to.

(in reply to Gem)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: molested as child/sub as an adult - 6/4/2006 4:11:58 PM   
masoslave111


Posts: 2
Joined: 4/4/2006
Status: offline 		At certain ages, we do not have any choice as to what happens to us; at certain ages, we do if we are proactive.

Our pasts makes us who we are today and we can either be victemized by the past, or we can fight the past, or we can embrace the past and make it work for us.

Do not think I am being flippant by saying "if life hands you lemons, make lemonade."  Sometimes the choices are just that easy but we get caught up by trying to rectify or change or come to terms to the past.

Sometimes you can, sometimes you cant.  But if something bad happens to you in your past, remember, they only win if you keep them in your head because there they bother you when you are awake and when you are asleep.

My best wishes to one and all.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: molested as child/sub as an adult - 6/4/2006 4:14:29 PM   
Devilsdaughter


Posts: 8
Joined: 12/26/2005
Status: offline 		Jewel,
Lady you and I have much in common!!!  I can't believe how are paths are so similar..  Love ya..  Mouse

< Message edited by Devilsdaughter -- 6/4/2006 4:15:46 PM >

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: molested as child/sub as an adult - 6/4/2006 4:18:07 PM   
masoslave111


Posts: 2
Joined: 4/4/2006
Status: offline 		I forgot to say, my molestions began as early as 5 and maybe earlier.

I have been successfully married, raised two healthy and independent children, and now have become a full time slave to a wonderful Master.  I have quit drinking a 5th a day, quit smoking pot, have lost 40 pounds, have come off my head meds, and have focused my life on serving my Master.

I wish others the

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: molested as child/sub as an adult - 6/4/2006 5:00:06 PM   
Devilsdaughter


Posts: 8
Joined: 12/26/2005
Status: offline 		Gem,
         I thank you for your compassionate words! You said it all very well. Thank you!1
 
My thoughts are like this.
  You know the old saying don't judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes..  I have to tell you, it sure fits here..
 
There's no doubt that he needs professional help. Theres no doubt that he needs caring compassionate people to help him through this.  As Jewel said, people like him and me, need to release the agony of their past, most definately,  Cry and beat it until you can cry any more.
 
As a victim of sexual and physical child abuse, let me tell you, when it happens to you, as a 7 year old, your whole world becomes distorted,  right and wrong is a blurr, who you are is a mess.  I was ignored by my mother and, beat and sexually molested by my father.  I wasn't allowed to sleep in the house.  I wasn't allowed to sit at a dinner table with my family.  My identity, what do you think it was?  At 7,8,9,10 and 11 I didn't know what real life was!  I was removed from my parents garage at the age of 11.  I was sent to live with people who didn't want me,  my grand parents, I was an embarressment to them,  I was the shame of the family..

I blocked out most of childhood, I didn't know I needed help!  I was a functioning adult supporting my family.  Ive worked for the same company for 25 years,  I don't drink, I dont do drugs..  But there was on going problems with self esteem.  I was afraid of crowds, still am..  I wasn't comfortable with people, there was no trust.  I thought everyone was out to hurt me..  My problems grew and grew.  I know I need help.
 
Let me tell you, remembering my childhood is something I avoid at all costs.  Its not easy to go to a stranger and tell all..  Until this post, I have only told a few people of my problems.  One a theropist the other a Dom.  If not for him, I wouldn't be dealing with the issues of my past..  There is something I believe that draws victims of abuse to this lifestyle, I can't say what it is but i've met a few with, simular problems to mine.. Who really knows what are minds do to protect and comfort itself..
 
I don't believe there a wrong way to deal with abuse, I think everyone has to deal with it on their own terms.  You can't avoid it, you have to deal with it, thats the important thing.  I truly do believe professionals make a big difference but some of us take longer to get there than others..
 
The old saying says it best,  don't judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes.  For me, its surprising how judgemental some of us are here..  We choose a different path here  don't we, and I don't want anyone judging me for doing it.  How about you? 
 
I would love to sit and cry then scream with this man.  hold him until he can't cry anymore.  It feels so good to let it all out..  Just be there for him, thats what he needs..  My thoughts are with him.. I know the battle.. Slew the dragon with him!  Its to big a monster to tackle on his own.. 
 

< Message edited by Devilsdaughter -- 6/4/2006 5:02:48 PM >

(in reply to Gem)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: molested as child/sub as an adult - 6/4/2006 5:09:06 PM   
Devilsdaughter


Posts: 8
Joined: 12/26/2005
Status: offline 		Masoslave111,
                         GOOD FOR YOU!! thats wonderful!!   As a child abuse victim would like to say Way to go.!!  Someday I too, hope to have my shit in a pile.  I'm working on it.  Its good to know their is survivor's like yourself.  It gives me hope.  Thank you for sharing your recovery!
Mouse

(in reply to masoslave111)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: molested as child/sub as an adult - 6/4/2006 5:43:40 PM   
sweetbbwsub31


Posts: 331
Joined: 3/22/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you Gem for taking the time to explain a very different point of view.
 
I wish you strength in your healing process.
 
sub tara

(in reply to Gem)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: molested as child/sub as an adult - 6/4/2006 6:18:42 PM   
ownedblackbeauty


Posts: 31
Joined: 2/21/2006
Status: offline 		i was abused as a child and i was told by a few Doms that my abuse is what makes me who/what i am now... a submissive. do you think it is true that being abused does create a submissive in some cases? this Dom told me that because i allowed it to happen because i was young, it showed that i was a true submissive. i often feel bad that i "allowed" myself to be abused for so many years. i am happy as a slave, but sometimes i think because of the abuse i have some emotional issues that cause me to be a slave or what to submit because its harder for me to make my own decisions. its much easier to have Someone tell me what to do for i fear of making a mistake that could hurt myself or others. if that makes sense.

its always in the best interests for both parties that the Dom/me be caring. in order to be with S/someone there has to be something else. a sub/slave is giving their all to a Dom/me. He or She should protect and take good care of that sub/slave.

slave ty
property of Master, Sir and spankingbeauty (cm.com)

(in reply to Gem)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: molested as child/sub as an adult - 6/4/2006 6:36:37 PM   
enigmabrat


Posts: 2383
Joined: 8/1/2004
Status: offline 		Honestly He needs help and should stay out of the lifestyle till he gets it
I was molested from the time I was 5 up untill I was 20 by someone in my family I dont think this is what makes me submissive but maybe had an impact. I am in counsaling and I dont take shit from Doms nor let them walk on me as you can tell by most my posts here.
Yout friend is gunna wind up getting very hurt. He needs a Dom that will keep him safe and not use him till he gets the help he needs!!
or it will eat him alive trust me I know

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a Master that can use them all Priceless

(in reply to Gem)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: molested as child/sub as an adult - 6/4/2006 6:57:30 PM   
xxmstrchasxx


Posts: 423
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

Luckily for me most of my childhood is a blank,.. little to no memory at all.


Jewel,

That happens in War too.  My mind went blank for parts of Nam.  They have a name for that but I forgot what's it's called.  I guess your mind tries to protect you from the memories when they're not good.


_____________________________

XxMasterChasxX

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: molested as child/sub as an adult - 6/4/2006 7:48:31 PM   
BreakingGlass


Posts: 565
Joined: 4/8/2006
From: Spider-Skull Island
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedblackbeauty
this Dom told me that because i allowed it to happen because i was young, it showed that i was a true submissive.


...maybe it's just me, but if anybody, and I mean anybody told me this, it would be the last thing I would listen to from that person. 

As for the OP...yes, your friend does need to talk about this, particularly with his Dom, but he needs to talk to somebody.  It will be painful, but otherwise...well, let's just say you can only bottle it up inside for so long before something cracks.  And in time it will get better...maybe not completely as if nothing ever happened, but better.

And talking about it is just a first step...the healing process can take a while, if it in fact ever completely heals.  It's good to know you're there for him, but he does have to want to do this for himself.  I won't wish him luck, luck has nothing to do with it.  But give him what strength you can; the rest will be up to him.

Edited to add: No, my past has no determining factor on my submissive nature.  I strive to please and help those I love; I always have.  My submission brings me pleasure; that...did not.



< Message edited by BreakingGlass -- 6/4/2006 7:51:42 PM >

(in reply to ownedblackbeauty)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: molested as child/sub as an adult - 6/4/2006 8:47:04 PM   
whtsubf4DOM


Posts: 23
Joined: 1/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Tikkiee

quote:

Using BDSM to attempt to heal is bad news. So many things can happen to trigger memories. It is so very important to let your partner know what happened so they can avoid certain things. 
 

Maybe in your view, yes. But for many others, BDSM has actually been the exact 'therapy' that they needed to get past the trauma. The difference with these and the OP is that he has not informed his Master. Which is selfish, and dangerous in my eyes.


It's tough as hell for me, ya know. He has placed so much trust in me, and he knows he can tell me anything. When he first told me about the abuse, I promised him I would take all his secrets to my grave. I've never told any of his friends about his past and the destructive things he is doing.

What's killing me now is I think I'm getting ready to betray that trust. I'm trying to track down the person he calls his "best and closest friend." She is actually an ex-girlfriend who still maintains a deep friendship with. She has no idea about any of this, because he wants her to always see him as perfect. I think she is the only one who can have any kind of real impact on him and get him on the right track to therapy or whatever. Dammit, I don't want to betray his trust, because I stand to lose a lot (a great friendship), but I can't make thits about me. I've decided that I would rather risk losing a friendship in exchange for knowing that one day he can look in the mirror and love the man looking back at him (if his ex can help get him on that path). Ya know, I care about him too much.

I don't know what else to do, but I can tell you  I AM close to walking away and just letting go.

(in reply to Tikkiee)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: molested as child/sub as an adult - 6/4/2006 11:40:51 PM   
Devilsdaughter


Posts: 8
Joined: 12/26/2005
Status: offline 		Wow does this remind me of me?  God yes!  I only told one person close to me about my abuse.  The Dom in my life.. OMG I've become so dependent on him, I'm suffocating him.   With my insecure behavior I became helpless and couldn't make a move without him.  I was choking the relationship we had.  I know he felt sorry for me and wanted to help but, my constant dependency on him was driving him away as well. 
You want to help him but you can't be the savior !   He can NOT become so dependent on you that he doesn't seek help.  Believe me thats what will happen.   He has to deal with it by seeking professional help!  If he doesn't, things will only get worse for both of you and, ultimately you'll have to walk away to save yourself..
I also don't want anyone to know about my past, I too feel like so much  less!    That's part of why he can't continue to depend on you.  It feeds his insecurities. 
 With my Dom, knowing what he knows, Well I feel so unacceptable, " oh god he knows" !   I don't feel I can do anything right, I'm that unacceptable damaged person.  Everytime things aren't perfect for him, its my fault.  The weathers bad its my fault, It has to be me.. Everything is my fault, thats so hard on anyone,  you walk around on thin glass, it gets old, I'm sure!
What I would suggest for an attempt is to, take him to a therapist, go with him, help him, get started and hope he will continue .. I can tell you thats how I started going.  I didn't continue on my own. He was still there to hold my hand, I didn't need help as long as had him.  The shelter of him was enough.. 
You might have to tell him, either you seek help or I have to get out of your life..  Push him to go!  If that doesn't work, I don't know.  Telling his ex may only put the burden on her, and he still may not go..  Get him there no matter what you have to do!   In the end if telling her  works, he gets the help he needs, he'll know you did the right thing. Once he is healthy your friendship will be restored.  If fact it will be better than ever..
Thats my opinion.  Good luck to you!

< Message edited by Devilsdaughter -- 6/4/2006 11:51:22 PM >

(in reply to whtsubf4DOM)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: molested as child/sub as an adult - 6/5/2006 3:10:03 AM   
Gem


Posts: 100
Joined: 2/11/2004
Status: offline 		Brightest Blessings
 
I apologize to the OP for going off topic but I felt the need to respond to this post:
 
Ownedblackbeauty first things first, nobody allows for this to happen to them, it just happens. You did not ask for it, you did not seduce.
 
No matter how submissive you are it does not grant permission for somebody to violate you. I don't care if you came out begging to serve, violation is on the head of the violator not on the survior.
 
As to what these few Doms told you, in most cases surviors seek to be IN control, not to surrender when we grow up( remember being passive agressive, the best super mum, having everything in order and cleaned just so are all forms of control). We did not have control long ago so we hold it two fisted now, so his assumption was wrong.
 
Your nature may very well be submissive only you know the truth of that, and while abuse does shape us mentally and emotionally as all things in our lives  do, it is not the only thing that makes us, us.
 
Blessed Be
Gem
 
 

(in reply to ownedblackbeauty)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: molested as child/sub as an adult - 6/5/2006 5:54:26 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		I watched a movie this weekend called "Mysterious Skin" which is about two older teen males who were molested as children. One of them deals by burying the memory and imagining the time he lost and things he can't remember are the results of alien abductions. The other becomes a hustler or male prostitute.

I know from experiences of people I know that the response to childhood abuse is a wide spectrum. So it is possible he behaves this way as his way to cope or similar because it has been imprinted on him as his sexuality.

You can't control him or his current dom. You can only be there to listen and to refuse to play with him until he gets help.

I'm torn between suggesting you talk to his dom or not. Does this dom know about you? Are you friends? Does he seem to be the type of man who would care if he knew?

I think you'd be wisest to not approach his dom and instead suggest this sub talk to him unless his dom approaches you and asks questions -- then I'd suggest to the dom that he needs to talk to the sub first.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to whtsubf4DOM)
Profile   Post #: 39
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