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Disabled - 3/28/2012 11:38:31 PM

ahorman

Posts: 16
Joined: 3/16/2012
Status: offline

I am new to the lifestyle (a friend introduced me to it about a month ago) and I am disabled. My disability has me in a wheelchair and affects my joints, my arms and legs are stuck at 90 degree angles (though I still have nearly full range in my hips) and my muscle has not developed as it should. It is called Arthrogryposis.

It is difficult to start a vanilla relationship due to this, the main reason being how comfortable the person is with the disability. I am curious how I can relay that my being disabled does not take away from a D/s or M/s relationship, that because I am not able to do everything someone else could that it it does not mean I cannot do anything at all without sounding "fake" or coming off as trying to cover weakness.

I was a security officer from my chair outside a bike bar and helped quite a few get away from abusive marriages on the side, among other things, and have been on my own with no nurses etc since 18. I just am not sure how to relay that after reading quite a few that want that 250 lbs, all muscle, 6' guy that can toss them around.....

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RE: Disabled - 3/28/2012 11:47:10 PM

ahorman

Posts: 16
Joined: 3/16/2012
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Just to clarify because I think I muddled that, I am not looking for the vanilla relationship, they have never worked out due to my getting bored or them thinking I would let them abuse me (in a bad way :P), I just was thinking if it was hard to find vanilla relationships this may be harder for me.

(in reply to ahorman)

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RE: Disabled - 3/29/2012 12:09:14 AM

mynxkat

Posts: 240
Joined: 5/7/2011
Status: offline

Welcome to CollarMe. I looked at your profile, and aside from some minor typos, mostly it looks ok, though (if you don't mind me offering the suggestion) you might try to focus more on the mental and emotional side of what you'd like in a submissive and put less emphasis on the stuff you've acquired. I might suggest that if you really feel you must mention your ink, move it down into the body of your profile as well, it's not something that really grabs the attention as the header of your profile. To me, the most impressive thing I see is the double degree, and the fact that you're obviously well motivated to succeed. Capitalize on your intelligence.

In all honesty, you probably will find it fairly tough to find a D/s relationship, but the arthrogryposis probably won't have as much to do with that as the fact that males outnumber females here something like 10 to 1, no matter which side of the kneel either of them are on. You migh also check and see what events and groups are in your area, munches are a great place to meet people. Fetlife is often better than CollarMe for finding local events, and wouldn't hurt to set up a profile there as well. I do wish you luck and happiness.

(in reply to ahorman)

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RE: Disabled - 3/29/2012 12:23:38 AM

MistressDarkArt

Posts: 5178
Status: offline

Welcome to the boards, ahorman. Thanks for joining us.

There are many folks posting here on the forums with varying degrees of disability. Some are quite serious. The good news is many are in happy lifestyle relationships. You are not defined by your disability, and many people will look beyond your physical limitations. I'm not saying it's going to be easy, and that has as much to do with the ratio of women to men on this site as anything else.

You sound like you're quite mobile. Check out your local community and get to know people there. Generally, lifestylers tend to be fairly accepting and open-minded about a person's circumstances. Meaning real-life, in person...not in online venues where there's quite a lot of chaff to wade through to get to the wheat. That's a good game plan for anyone wanting involvement in the lifestyle, not just folks who might need an extra leg up from time to time.

Wishing you someone wonderful! Good luck and enjoy the journey.

ETA: being new to the lifestyle, you might want to rethink the 24/7 dynamic for now. It's a dang lot of work and most people don't really understand what it entails. Consider focusing more on just meeting people, getting involved in your community, and learning. When you meet someone special, you can reassess once the two of you have a chance to get to know each other.

< Message edited by MistressDarkArt -- 3/29/2012 12:31:46 AM >

(in reply to ahorman)

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RE: Disabled - 3/29/2012 12:37:16 AM

peppermint

Posts: 5159
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
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As mynxkat has already stated, so often men have a harder time finding a partner as in many places men outnumber women. However, that does not mean you have no chance in finding your perfect sub. It might take you longer. It might mean you have to work at it harder. I would suggest that you go to munches. Munches are a great way to get started in your community. If you need to find your local munch, read the FAQs or search fetlife. Go to regional or national events. There are so many more people at these larger events. Make friends. Network and keep in contact with your new friends. Wow people with your super personality. Many people will start to forget the chair as they get to know and enjoy talking with the man in the chair. It won't be easy. I won't promise you success. However, if it's something you really want then it's worth the effort required.

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(in reply to ahorman)

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RE: Disabled - 3/29/2012 2:31:39 AM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
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Welcome to CM.

Patience is the only thing I can suggest. You come across as a decent bloke, so I reckon she's out there somewhere man.

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(in reply to ahorman)

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RE: Disabled - 3/29/2012 6:44:16 AM

ProlificNeeds

Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
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FR~

If you're worried about the disability turning women off, then show them in action what words cannot. I'd reccomend really pushing to get active in local events, or just meet up right away face to face if they are from a personals site. Anyone with preconceived notions about what your disability might mean will be enlightened faster by seeing you in action, instead of having only words to go by.

(in reply to crazyml)

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RE: Disabled - 3/29/2012 8:22:48 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

Fetlife is often better than CollarMe for finding local events, and wouldn't hurt to set up a profile there as well.

The only reason I have a profile on FL is for local events, for which it is far superior.

Welcome OP!

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(in reply to mynxkat)

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RE: Disabled - 3/29/2012 10:22:57 AM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ahorman
I just am not sure how to relay that after reading quite a few that want that 250 lbs, all muscle, 6' guy that can toss them around.....

My potential sub is four inches taller than I am (I'm 5'7"). We were sitting on a bench in a park the other day and she leaned her head against my shoulder and closed her eyes, and I petted her, just as though I was the physically bigger man, and we "fit" fine.

I'm not sure which profiles you're reading, but what you wrote seems like the babe version of a guy who puts "no fatties" on his profile. Do you really want to date someone so superficial? Why not just hide the profile and move on?

Great profile advice for any man, even one who is a superb physical specimen, is: "What makes you sexy and long-term interesting that has nothing to do with your body? Lead with that."

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to ahorman)

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RE: Disabled - 3/29/2012 2:33:25 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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OP, the best advice that I can give you is to expect your prospects in the kinky dating world to be pretty much like they are in the non kinky world. Don't expect the BDSM crowd to be any different than the rest of the population. The disability will matter to some and to others it won't.

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

quote:

ORIGINAL: ahorman
I just am not sure how to relay that after reading quite a few that want that 250 lbs, all muscle, 6' guy that can toss them around.....

My potential sub is four inches taller than I am (I'm 5'7"). We were sitting on a bench in a park the other day and she leaned her head against my shoulder and closed her eyes, and I petted her, just as though I was the physically bigger man, and we "fit" fine.

I'm not sure which profiles you're reading, but what you wrote seems like the babe version of a guy who puts "no fatties" on his profile. Do you really want to date someone so superficial? Why not just hide the profile and move on?

Great profile advice for any man, even one who is a superb physical specimen, is: "What makes you sexy and long-term interesting that has nothing to do with your body? Lead with that."

This is just for discussion's sake, but is it especially superficial? I'm not going at it from the height/weight perspective, but rather from the perspective of the type of kinks that people want in a relationship. Yes, it's completely possible for people to fall in love and those kinks become less important if the other person can't provide them, but is it really superficial to want them?

From talking to a number of female submissives over the years, it's really not all that unusual for some to want the Dom in the relationship to be bigger and stronger. That's especially true for those who enjoy the feeling of being overpowered or take down scenes because they want those kinks as part of the relationship.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to RedMagic1)

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RE: Disabled - 3/29/2012 4:04:26 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
From talking to a number of female submissives over the years, it's really not all that unusual for some to want the Dom in the relationship to be bigger and stronger. That's especially true for those who enjoy the feeling of being overpowered or take down scenes because they want those kinks as part of the relationship.

Sure, and some men have giantess fetish, so the desire you describe can be focused on either women or men. Maybe the most common thing I've heard though, is among vanilla women, who want a man who can pick them up easily, so they can feel like a little girl again.

Most of us, though, male or female, aren't 6'6" and jacked. Fortunately, for most women, height and muscles are wants, not needs, and other things can be just as, or more important. I absolutely do believe a woman (or a man) who won't date someone below the top 5% in height or top 5% in education is engaging in potentially self-sabotaging behavior. It just isn't the case that everyone else in the world is a bad catch.

What if the shoe were on the other foot, and we were talking about a man who would only date a giantess/amazon? Would you decline to call him superficial? I would say that he is probably too focused on his kink, and there would be a lot of quality women in the world who might be able to satisfy his fetish through creative role play, and he was blind to them.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to LadyPact)

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RE: Disabled - 3/29/2012 7:40:01 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Actually, I'd be completely cool with it. If that's a person's particular kink, I think it's in their best interest to find someone compatible with it, rather than give it up. I'd say the very same thing to folks with various kinks such as cross dressing, rape play, or pegging. If it's on a person's "must have" list and the perspective person can't or won't, that may not necessarily be a good match.

Plus, I wouldn't be so extreme with the height/weight needed to toss somebody around. The last guy who picked Me up and swirled Me about the room was the same size as you.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to RedMagic1)

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RE: Disabled - 3/30/2012 10:40:48 AM

ahorman

Posts: 16
Joined: 3/16/2012
Status: offline

I appreciate all of the responses, to be honest I haven't ever gotten helpful responses to anything when asking about something in relation with my disability before. I genuinely appreciate it here.

I do know it is going to be a thing where people are either comfortable or not, I have joined Fet and have also joined a mailing list for one of the clubs out here, hopefully I can start going to their munches. Again, thank you for the replies, I do appreciate them :)

< Message edited by ahorman -- 3/30/2012 10:42:13 AM >

(in reply to LadyPact)

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RE: Disabled - 3/31/2012 5:23:38 AM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

I guess I don't have a lot for you except to reiterate the part about getting out to events. As it was stated, the online ratio of men to women tends to be disheartening for men, but, it doesn't mean you can't try it. Just that you'll likely have better luck with things in person.

I know you said a vanilla relationship isn't for you, but I'd wouldn't discount looking for a vanilla woman who seems open to giving kink a whirl. It opens up your hunting grounds so to speak. As far as being comfortable with your disabilities, a woman in the medical field like a nurse or technician won't view you in the same light as a layperson, and they'd pick up right away on the fact that your disabilities don't seem to hinder you all that much. Therefore they wouldn't define you so much to someone who can see immediately the positive instead of the negative. It would get tricky as far as who might be kinky and not know it yet, there are a ton of good threads on this subject if you'd care to look for them. There is a search feature at the top of this page if so.

I think maybe converting someone might be a good way to find what you are looking for. It's awesome that you are also open to going to events and real life gatherings, that will improve your chances quite a bit. Yes, it will probably be harder for you to find a kinky relationship, but i've seen here on the boards evidence that it's happened now and then- so not impossible. You strike me as someone who might beat the odds as you seem to have a good attitude and don't seem afraid to work at finding your goal. Good luck