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Suggestions and thoughts for my situation - 10/28/2004 3:36:58 PM

submike2004

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I have met a wonderful Woman through this site and after a great meeting with her, I went to her house. I helped her clean her house a bit. She taught me a lot about how she wants things to be done. No BDSM occurred and I don’t know when that might happen, it was just a light experience of a D/s relationship. After we were finished she noticed that something was wrong. I told her what I was feeling. I felt very afraid of what was happening, scared of what I was doing and I experienced some uncomfortable situations. She sat and talked with for at least an hour and a half and still contacts me. I left that night feeling afraid, scared and ashamed that I was feeling this way. I am very unsure of myself and lack confidence in myself. I have no experience in the lifestyle and yet after all of this she still says that I have great potential and wants to see how things go with her. This is another concern of mine. Why is she doing all of this for me? I asked her this and she gave me a good answer, that she sees great potential in me, but it still blows my mind that she would do so much. I feel so very fortunate to have met someone like her. Basically what I am asking for is any thought anyone might have on this.

Also, because I have broken the trust that once existed with her she has asked me to make a sacrifice to her. I need to prove to her and to myself that I am worth the time and the effort. Nothing kinky just a sacrifice to her. I implore anyone who has any suggestions to contact me. I thank anyone who does in advance.

< Message edited by submike2004 -- 10/28/2004 4:05:47 PM >

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RE: Suggestions and thoughts for my situation - 10/28/2004 4:26:05 PM

typesgirl

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Submike: Can you be clearer about what scared you? Was it just the reality of it? Did it not feel right?
typesgirl

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RE: Suggestions and thoughts for my situation - 10/28/2004 4:35:15 PM

submike2004

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The reality of it scared me, that I was actually experiencing it. The reality that, here I was helping clean her house was a strange experience for me. I hadn’t expected anything different upon my arrival, but the fact that I was actually doing these things scared me.

It was all very new to me and that scared me. There were others around and even though they were knowledgeable about the lifestyle it made me uncomfortable. At times it didn’t feel right, but if it doesn’t feel right with her then it never will. I can’t imagine there being a better person to guide me on my journey.

< Message edited by submike2004 -- 10/28/2004 4:44:14 PM >

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RE: Suggestions and thoughts for my situation - 10/28/2004 4:52:22 PM

Mercnbeth

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mike,
This probably isn't going to go over well with others in this group, but there is one main and legitimate reason for how you are feeling....

you're 20!

Hell, I wish I was, but appreciate that thinking about it, masturbating to it, and dreaming about it 24/7 is a lot different then actually doing it for the first time. Take a deep breath, talk to your wonderful woman. Be honest and open about how you feel. You say no BDSM occurred, but mentally it did. It started the minute you agreed to come to her house, and in some respects it's still going on inside your mind. Try to remember that feeling. Of course it was fear, but I'm sure it was mixed with excitement, and even lust. Were you sexually excited on the drive over to see her?

The good news is - you only have to deal with one first time. Don't be ashamed. Why is she doing this? Because she wants to. It's important to her. It's part of who she is.

I'm sorry, but at 20, and based on what you are saying, I don't know if you are sure it's who you are. You are in the process of finding out. Enjoy the journey.

As far as a sacrifice, well I'll assume that hopefully she isn't asking for anything monetary. It may not qualify under the 'nothing kinky' but at least it would not be anything permanent. I suggest shaving your genitals. You don't have to show her, but you can tell her that was your 'sacrifice'.

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RE: Suggestions and thoughts for my situation - 10/28/2004 6:44:07 PM

typesgirl

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Mike: First of all, congrats on being brave enough to admit that the situation scared you a little. I think all too often we (subs) might think that fear is an integral part of a first experience and it need not be.
Second, I agree with Mercnbeth. You're not only new to this, but also new to who you are. Believe me, I knew when I was 20 that this was a lifestyle I wanted but it took me a long time to be ready to embrace it so congrats on that also.
One of the best things about knowing a great Dom/me is the level of communication you can achieve if you open yourself. Let her know how you feel (my Master and I used scene reports that I wrote for him).
I'll leave the sacrifice issue to others except to say that your sacrifice should be in proportion with what you're being given IMHO. Small to begin with and grow as your relationship grows.
and lastly...
Welcome!
t

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RE: Suggestions and thoughts for my situation - 10/28/2004 6:52:45 PM

BeachMystress

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From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
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I do not see how you have broken the trust... You are a new sub and have fears. That is normal. I've talked many newbie subs through the feelings associated with starting BDSM. You didn't break any trust. Breaking trust would have been leaving and not telling her what was going on. It sounds like you were willing to have open communication and were willing to work things out. Never be ashamed of feeling afraid. We all feel afraid at some point in time. The shame would be in how you react to it. From what you've told us, you did well. Many new subs run and hide when they hit that first set of OH MY GOD WHAT AM I DOING?!?! I see why she feels you have potential.

Now.. as to the "sacrifice" it depends upon what form it takes. If it is something like performing a service for her, I feel that is fair and forwards your training. If it hits the monetary realm, I'd be uncomfortable. To me, flowers are one of the few exceptions to that. They are such a traditional way of apology, that if she wants flowers to continue playing with her, I'd say do it.

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RE: Suggestions and thoughts for my situation - 10/28/2004 11:13:04 PM

submike2004

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I thank you all for your thoughts and suggestions. I am in a process of finding out who I am. I have very little experience in life not just in the lifestyle, but in vanilla life as well. I maybe only 20, but I should have much more life experience. She suggested that I go somewhere or do something and I will do that. In next few days I will be going to Miami for a few days. I have done very little traveling and she believes and I agree that it would be good for me. The sacrifice isn’t monetary. I believe it is action or service for her.

As for me sexually excited, this is not about sex for me. There will be no sex with her. She is married. I was not excited while there or on my way there. For me, this is about a experiencing something new and learning something about myself.

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RE: Suggestions and thoughts for my situation - 10/29/2004 5:09:20 AM

inadazey

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In my experience, actually feeling submissive to someone for the first time is a scary thing. Even if it may be what you've longed for for a very long time, the intensity of the feeling can leave you feeling vulnerable and scared. You can run from it or you can embrace it; I think you're being very brave, especially at such a young age, by embracing it, acknowledging your fears to yourself and to her, and working on this blossoming relationship.
You're fortunate, especially being only 20, to know what you want, have the courage to pursue it, and to have found a wonderful woman to guide you on your journey. But you don't seem to feel like you're deserving of it, or her. I don't think that there's any reason for you to feel so undeserving; it seems more like you don't place enough value in yourself and your worth. You're still growing, learning, finding out who you are and what you want to do with your life, so your self-esteem and self-confidence should naturally improve as you age. But I think you've also been presented with the wonderful gift of someone who sees your value, and can help you to see it, and believe it, also.
I disagree that you "should" have more life experience than you do; everyone learns, grows, and experiences at his or her own pace.. there's no shame in being a late bloomer. And you're certainly an early bloomer for this lifestyle!
I think you're doing wonderfully; for someone new to D/s, you really are doing remarkably well. I hope you can come to see that as I do. So my advice is to keep doing as you are; your fears should lessen in time. You are not undeserving of this woman; you're as much of a gift to her as she is to you.
I wish you the best on your upcoming trip, and most importantly on your journey of growth and self-discovery. Keep the communication open, and try not to undervalue yourself or your gift of submission. Congratulations and good luck! *hugs* ~Daisy~

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RE: Suggestions and thoughts for my situation - 10/29/2004 1:59:55 PM

strongnsubmissiv

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.

Just take it slow Mike. There's so much to learn, about bdsm and about yourself, and doing it at the right pace is just as important as it is fun. Being scared is a natural way to feel. Although i'm submissive, i've always been confident in my abilities and even then, i was quite scared when i first came out of the closet and served my first Domme.

I don't know much about this Domme you saw, but from what you've written, she seems very nice, patient and sincere. Women such as this are extremely hard to find in this lifestyle, at least in my experience. Even if you find that perhaps the two of you arnen't a perfect D/s match in the end, her friendship will be a big help to you as you try to figure all this out.

Good luck

sns

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RE: Suggestions and thoughts for my situation - 10/29/2004 2:57:31 PM

Estring

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Don't feel weird submike, most 20 year old males are afraid of housework.

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RE: Suggestions and thoughts for my situation - 10/30/2004 12:41:13 PM

submike2004

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Last night, I talked the woman that I have mentioned and she gave me an ultimatum. She told me that I had to do something or it was over. I will be the first to admit that it was not a very hard thing to do. She asked me to go to a party and help her clean before and after. I had no problem with the cleaning, but I did have a problem with the party. Other Doms and subs would be there; this was part of my discomfort during my last visit with her and has caused me to be afraid. I just didn’t want to be around that many Doms and subs at this point and I told her that. It did take an extra call to her before I realized myself why I didn’t want to go to the party. I truly can’t explain why I am afraid or uncomfortable about being around other Doms and subs, but I am right now. I know that in time I will get over it, but I just didn’t want that right now nor was I ready for it. Right now, I am very confused about my wants, needs, and desires in the lifestyle. I know that I am submissive, but I just need some time to adjust to things. She doesn’t have the time to wait for me to discover myself and I don’t expect her to wait for me. I completely understand her reasoning behind issuing the ultimatum and still respect her and value her very highly. In the little time I have known her she has already had a positive impact on my life. I feel that I may seriously regret my decision sometime soon in the future because she is a great woman, but I just needed time. I feel regret and unhappiness because I wasn’t able to do what she asked of me at this point. I ask anyone for their thoughts on my situation and my reaction to what I have experienced.

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RE: Suggestions and thoughts for my situation - 10/30/2004 12:44:07 PM

submike2004

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I have never felt like I deserved her. I could fully understand what she saw in me and the fact that I couldn’t always disturned me. I know that I don’t value myself very highly and I know that I should.

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RE: Suggestions and thoughts for my situation - 10/30/2004 1:51:33 PM

inadazey

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I went to my first lifestyle event in my late 20's, and I was really nervous beforehand. Now, I'd been active online and been in relationships with doms, but going to a large lifestyle event was really intimidating. And I'm secure with myself and not shy. I could *never* have done anything like that when I was 20.
Hon, don't be hard on yourself. You're young, and all this is new and rather overwhelming. If you couldn't do it, you couldn't do it, and there's no shame in that. It might be best for you to just spend some time by yourself, maybe making friends with other doms and subs online, and figuring out yourself and what you really want.
Can you ask the domme if you can still have a friendship with her? Explain that it's too hard for you right now to do the things she asks, but that you don't want to lose her as a friend? I think she could be a positive person for you to have in your life. Even if that can't happen, you can find other people, doms and subs, online if that's what you're most able to do right now, learn more and developing friendships before jumping in headfirst. You'll do fine. *hugs*

Also, and I hope this isn't too forward for me to say, but have you considered some brief thereapy or self-help books to help you feel better about yourself? This rang so true: "I know that I don’t value myself very highly and I know that I should." Yes, you should, and you *can." :)

< Message edited by inadazey -- 10/30/2004 1:55:08 PM >

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RE: Suggestions and thoughts for my situation - 10/31/2004 12:21:25 AM

submike2004

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I thank you for your advice. I guess I am too hard on myself, but I fear that I may have missed a great opportunity. I would love to her continued friendship. I haven’t asked her yet and I don’t know if I will. Improving my own opinion of myself is a process and I believe I have started in the right direction. Therapy is an option for me and may help me in more ways than one, but I am uncomfortable about that as well.

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