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What gave you a problem? - 5/1/2012 9:49:06 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		When i first started out i had a LOT to learn.  As a matter of fact12 years later i am still learning.  I had a mentor who was very patient with me.  He did not teach me the sex part i had that down pretty well  <weg>.  He would gwr frustrated because when he gave me an order i would analyze it and  see what i would get out of it.  Obedience i struggled with a bit.  Then one day i got it,  what was in it for me was pleasing him,  It just clicked.  Everything else came  pretty easy it was just the obidence part that i strugged with.

What if any part did you struggle with or had a hard time with  when you were being trained?

Matt's littleone

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RE: What gave you a problem? - 5/1/2012 10:01:59 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		I've always been very independent and self sufficient. It was easier to set that aside when I was with a Dominant that I wasn't living with because it was just short bursts of time together. When Master and I moved in together, it became a real issue. I just automatically did things without consulting him thinking that I was taking the weight from him. I also had a hard time letting him take care of me. It was a lot of conversations and time.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: What gave you a problem? - 5/1/2012 11:20:48 AM   
Lucifyre


Posts: 1067
Joined: 3/27/2012
Status: offline 		Control issues. Simply stated, I am a complete control whore. I have to be the one running the show and I have to have the answer all the time. I am in a complete state of mental dissarray if I am unable to see the outcome of any given situation.

This is something Mr and I have been working on for the entire 20 years we have been together and for the 17 we have been involved in BDSM. Due to the way things have gone in our lives we have been unable to devote the time and attention to the D/s part like we would have liked to from the beginning. So now, at the 17 year mark of the kink part of our relationship, we are almost having to rewrite the "rules" so to speak. It's taking a LOT of work on BOTH our parts. He and i both are used to vanilla being 80% of our daily lives and kink only being allowed the remaining 20%. In our vanilla life/relationship etc I am the one who is in control and makes decisions.

Now we are at a point in our lives where we can give over more to what it is that we really want to do. So, I am working on giving up that control, he is working on how to use the control he has.

Hard to explain, hope I was clear LOL

Lucifyre

_____________________________

"Batteries? OMG, Bitch Please! My Shit plugs in!"
I do this because it fucking feels good.
I like girls who like girls
The thing about standards is: There are SO many to choose from.

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RE: What gave you a problem? - 5/1/2012 1:38:35 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littleone35
What if any part did you struggle with or had a hard time with  when you were being trained?

For Carol it was in giving up her "self". It was the fact that she doesn't own her "self" any more... I do... and that means that some or all of the things which are self-identity to her were jeopardized. The fix to this was to redefine her "self" to be "the woman Jeff owns" rather than something else.


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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RE: What gave you a problem? - 5/1/2012 4:57:07 PM   
lostsub2012


Posts: 8
Joined: 3/5/2012
Status: offline 		Giveing up full controll and trusting another human being to the extent that i could submit to them fully was the hardest thing for me and it is still something i strugle with. Be best thing to rember is that your dominant should always be the first thing on your mind and you have to trust them to take care of you

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RE: What gave you a problem? - 5/1/2012 5:31:18 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		help.

I'm used to doing everything for myself and everyone else around me. I had to get used to him wanting to help me and I had to learn to ask him for help. Years later and I'm still trying to learn that. "Training" in that hasn't succeeded very well lol.


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Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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RE: What gave you a problem? - 5/1/2012 6:43:24 PM   
camille65


Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline 		Giving up control to him was really easy for me but what was hard was learning to be always open with him. It took me an awfully long time to understand he wanted to know and that it was safe to tell him things that I'd always kept hidden.

After a few months he told me to use an online journal, that way I could write my feelings which has always been easier for me than speaking them. I'd write and he would read. Eventually I needed that journal less and less because I was turning first to him.

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~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).




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RE: What gave you a problem? - 5/1/2012 8:55:09 PM   
RaspberryLemon


Posts: 422
Joined: 7/18/2011
Status: offline 		Hmm...there are a couple of things.

In the beginning, when I met my Master, I was very much a hardheaded and stubborn person (I still am.) I didn't like taking orders from anyone, and when I was challenged I could not back down. I knew I needed someone who would challenge me. What I didn't know was that I needed someone who would challenge me and win. That's what I got with my Master, and I naturally found myself deferring to him even before our relationship began. In ways, this was infuriating to me and at times I'd rear up and stubbornly challenge him and he wouldn't back down--he'd win. This made me grumble indignantly. But at the same time it felt good. Over time, him "winning" and my internal inclination to follow him became easier for me. I stopped fighting my desire to follow him when I realized it was what I wanted and needed--I thrived on it.

The other thing that I had (and sometimes still do) have trouble with is letting him take care of me or help me when I need it. I appreciate that he cares about me and I really love his insistence, but...I sometimes feel like I'm being a burden, and I feel like I'm the one supposed to be helping HIM. It's easier for me to accept his taking care of and helping me when I realize that this is what he wants to do, it makes him happy, because he's fulfilling the responsibilities of owning me. Reminding myself that I'm his to do with as he pleases helps me calm down and accept him taking care of and helping me.

(in reply to camille65)
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RE: What gave you a problem? - 5/2/2012 12:02:40 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Great topic.

For me, it has been financial decisions. I have always handled the money in previous relationships, so giving that over to someone else has been difficult.

Not that he is bad with money, he is very responsible and makes great choices; this has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me.

Yesterday I was at the dentist, and I will spare the gory details, but I'm going to be having a largest dental bill. And before I could proceed with treatment, I had to call and explain and get permission, as we have an agreement about how much money I can spend on my own.

I was in a public place (the dental office) and I did (very briefly) consider blowing him off, but I called him at work, fortunately he was in, and gave me the go ahead.

That I considered, even for a second, blowing him off tells me I am still struggling with this issue. That I was in public made it worse for me, but I just said, he's the man, it makes him happy to make the decisions (true), and it's good for marital harmony. So I managed it w/o too much embarrassment.


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RE: What gave you a problem? - 5/2/2012 5:41:02 PM   
Toppingfrmbottom


Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline 		I had, and still do a hard time not wanting to know wh for everything. like he was on the phone with me and he told me to go get the hotsauce and i demanded to know why an made a big production of it, and i thought he was going to have me eat some an i hate hot sauce, an i arguyed an blew it upinto a huge thing, and turns out he just wanted to see if i truste dhim enough to go get it.

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One world under lube with vibrators and dildo's for all! quote from the sex toy 101 book

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RE: What gave you a problem? - 5/4/2012 9:22:41 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Trust.

I have/had huge trust issues. I asked questions for years, trying to find a flaw, a reason not to trust him. Eventually I realized that he really did think things through, and I could trust his decision making.

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: What gave you a problem? - 5/5/2012 9:23:24 AM   
girl91


Posts: 54
Joined: 6/28/2010
Status: offline 		I would also say trust. Once I was told something to do I would second guess them, and try to wonder the outcome.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: What gave you a problem? - 5/21/2012 9:53:43 AM   
MyGift1


Posts: 3
Joined: 4/11/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RaspberryLemon

In the beginning, when I met my Master, I was very much a hardheaded and stubborn person (I still am.)



First of all I am hardheaded and stubborn, life treated me to be that way, after meeting my Master, I realized I wanted to live this lifestyle with him, which ain't easy most of the time because we are apart miles, we do not see each other too often and learning cannot really take place with being apart not only miles but with a time difference of 6 hours. When he comes back home, I will be asleep and when I get up, he will be. So..... has anybody got an idea, how I can change my stubbornness and being hardheaded? Does anyone would like to talk, so I can learn more???? I do need some help because I still have this problem!

(in reply to RaspberryLemon)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: What gave you a problem? - 5/21/2012 11:17:23 AM   
pretzelLove


Posts: 16
Status: offline 		Pride was a big issue for me, which made begging all but impossible. Oh and patience was a toughie...still working on it.

(in reply to littleone35)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: What gave you a problem? - 5/21/2012 11:54:09 AM   
littlecherie


Posts: 137
Joined: 3/29/2012
Status: offline 		Master and I have been in a M/s type of thing for 5 months. The hardest thing I have learned is that I am his. I need to ask, make sure I am allowed to do the things I usuallly do.

Still learning

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LIGHTS
(hellionsLight)

http://anewslave.blogspot.com

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Profile   Post #: 15
RE: What gave you a problem? - 5/24/2012 12:32:33 AM   
Hismouse


Posts: 34
Joined: 3/31/2010
Status: offline 		I can identify with all of the above. When I first me Him, I would do anything and everything he asked, He say's I couldn't do enough, over time I took some of the control back, and then a little more and so on and so on. I then began to question if I was in fact a submissive, and wondered if I were instead a people pleaser.
We lived together for 3 years, we both went into our own places not so long ago, and now we see each other. I am on a journey of self discovery now to try and work out where I think I fit. He believes with all his heart that I am indeed a submissive (to him) and a people pleaser to others. I have to stop second guessing him and learn to trust more.

So yes for me, trust, jealousy, taking orders, letting someone else make the decisions, all things I need to re-learn.

(in reply to littlecherie)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: What gave you a problem? - 5/24/2012 3:17:24 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		Before i met my late dom, i had spent the previous 10 years on my own, raising two kids with little assistance from my ex. Needless to say, asking permission to go to the grocery store on the way home was difficult. It seemed ridiculous and forced. And for five years it always did.

It wasn't like he ever said no, because he liked to eat as well, but i so wasn't used to consulting another. I finally rationalised it in my head (along with many other things we did together) as pleasing him. If it made him happy, thats what i did, because when all was said and done, i wanted him happy and content.

My sweetie now isn't into the day to day control, so that isn't an issue - except in my head. I was and am so used to deferring to the man in my life that it is sometimes difficult to be "me". For instance, it has taken me a year to be comfortable using his first name - because i just didn't in my first relationship. And it isn't an issue with my sweetie.

Oddly enough, it has been as difficult for me to give up learned behaviours as it was to learn them in the first place.

(in reply to Hismouse)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: What gave you a problem? - 5/25/2012 7:24:45 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Toppingfrmbottom

I had, and still do a hard time not wanting to know wh for everything. like he was on the phone with me and he told me to go get the hotsauce and i demanded to know why an made a big production of it, and i thought he was going to have me eat some an i hate hot sauce, an i arguyed an blew it upinto a huge thing, and turns out he just wanted to see if i truste dhim enough to go get it.

I tell gals "Why is a management question, not one for your pay grade."

Shuts em up quick.

If they push further, I'll say something like, "Why is a useless question for you. You don't have the authority to make decisions or changes. I do.Which means that asking why is useless to me and you and is a waste of our time. The question you should be asking is how, as in how do I actualize what he wants of me?"

That leaves em speechless.
Fuck, privates don't say why when a general gives em an order. They obey...or else. Same thing here.


< Message edited by Kana -- 5/25/2012 7:25:16 AM >

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

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Profile   Post #: 18
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