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RE: What qualities make a Dom? - 5/7/2012 6:35:48 AM

Exidor

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi

I'd like to ask utterly without snark, how it is that you don't know the qualities of a basic decent person?

Utterly without snark, a lot of people *don't* know the qualities of a basic decent person. That's why you see questions like this so often, from people trying to get a handle on something they see as a structured system of behavior vs. random actions of self-interest.

Things like "don't lie", "don't abuse the other person", and "consider the other person's feelings" are basic ways of handling interpersonal relationships to most of the people here, but there are people out there who don't know any better.

It's the type of thing you're supposed to pick up from your parents, but there are plenty of feral parents out there, and the home is still the primary means of socialization of the young. People ask questions like this not because they're ignorant assholes, but because they don't know any better.

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RE: What qualities make a Dom? - 5/7/2012 9:46:29 AM

JeffBC

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when does 'polite' become 'wimpy'?
These debates come up all the time in various forms. I see them all the time online. Here they tend to come up as "You can't be dominant if you rub your girl's feet." At one point I actually had a list of all the bajillion things I wasn't allowed to do with Carol for fear I'd lose my domly mojo. My general response was, "I'm not good enough at following rules to be a dominant". That's the point. A dominant personality does not submit to random strangers. I'm not John Q Public's bitch.

To give you an example - I ran into a debate a while ago about munches. Some people felt that anyone who considered themselves a Dom shouldn't be met by a greeter. It's Ok for subs to be a bit nervous and shy, but it's 'unDommish'. How can you even think you'd be able to dominate someone when you don't have the nerve to walk into a pub? So clearly, there ARE people who have these expectations.
This is where you need to make some decisions about what YOU mean by "dominant". What I mean by that word is not some surface level analysis of dress code or behavioral standards. When I think of someone as "dominant" I'm thinking about an internal mindset. So what I'd say to the question above is, "My being greeted at the door has nothing to do with my dominance. It has to do with basic courtesy. I don't need anyone to make me less nervous. I do, however, appreciate people making me feel welcome. More importantly, I laugh at anyone who thinks that my dominance hinges on whether or not someone says hi to me when I enter a munch." I'm actually struggling to believe that you have heard such conversations in the real world. I never have.

Not lying or anything, I agree thats pointless, but just - making an effort.
I get "making an effort"... really I do. And I'm not trying to be a pill here. But the question is "make an effort at what"? If you allow some random strangers to define your own sense of civility for you then you are submitting to them. How is that dominant? If I allowed folks here on CM to tell me that I can't rub Carol's shoulders when she's got a sore back then how is that "dominant"? Wouldn't a "dominant" personality be more inclined to say something like, "How about you let me worry about what I can and cannot do in my own marriage?"

I understand that you want to "look the part". But you cannot "act" like a dominant and "be" one at the same time. Either you play one on TV or you're the real deal. Either "dominant" means "I own a sexy pair of leather slacks" or it means "I am in control of myself and the world around me".

So I think "polite becomes wimpy" when you are polite because people told you that's how a dom behaves. Polite, when driven by your own internal sense of self is never wimpy although the leather slacks crowd may perceive it that way.

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RE: What qualities make a Dom? - 5/7/2012 9:53:17 AM

poise

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quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC
Polite, when driven by your own internal sense of self is never wimpy although the leather slacks crowd may perceive it that way.

Thank you Jeff... I now have one other attribute to look for in a man.
Someone who can be polite while wearing leather chaps.
*Saaaaawooons*

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RE: What qualities make a Dom? - 5/7/2012 10:07:58 AM

jennileigh8182

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kalthus

I'm new at the BDSM thing, and I'm told that being a nice guy (fairly shy on first meeting) makes it hard for people to actually see me in that role. I'd like to get an idea of what personality qualities subs relate t in order to make that initial snap judgement.

So -

Do you prefer confident or arrogant? Confident
For a dom to be quite formal, or to very freely touch you (take your hand, arm, stroke your cheek - just assume it's OK for him to handle you?) Formal until comfort is established...I don't like others in my space until I feel ok with them being there
To ask questions about you, or give you orders? Ask questions...get to know me!
To ask what you'd like to drink, or just order for you? Again...initially, you better ask. Within a relationship, feel free to order
To comment on your clothes, but say what he would prefer to see you in. Initial meeting - it better be just a compliment
To be very polite - almost posessively so. Leading you to your chair, holding the door open so you have to walk through it? Depends
To openly ask you sexual questions, or to respect that this might be a bit embarrassing in a coffee shop? Inappropriate at a first meeting
To be critical of your behaviour, appearance, taste in music? I don't enjoy men that are critical of me
To be quite assertive with waiters, taxi drivers, etc, or come across asa generally nice guy? Nice guy, but confident

Just trying to get a sense for what subs initially 'click' with.

Thanks,

Kalthus

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RE: What qualities make a Dom? - 5/7/2012 10:40:16 AM

kalikshama

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I like men who are gentlemen in public and nasty sadistic kinky fucks behind closed doors.

Don't confuse "dominant" with "domineering" and you'll do fine.

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RE: What qualities make a Dom? - 5/7/2012 11:09:49 AM

kalthus

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quote:

when does 'polite' become 'wimpy'?
A dominant personality does not submit to random strangers. I'm not John Q Public's bitch.

I get that, but lets be honest, we do it all the time. When I go into work, I wear a shirt and tie, because thats what expected. I could argue the point with my employers, but they would argue that this is what the public expect. Like it or not, we are ALL John Q's bitch to some extent.

quote:

When I think of someone as "dominant" I'm thinking about an internal mindset. So what I'd say to the question above is, "My being greeted at the door has nothing to do with my dominance....

I'm actually struggling to believe that you have heard such conversations in the real world. I never have.

It was on another site. Maybe it was a troll, but it kicked off some argument.

Again, I would entirely agree with you, but the pointis how other people would percieve it. And this brings us back to the basic point I am trying to unpick - how do you externalise your own view of yourself? Particularly in a short space of time.

quote:

Either "dominant" means "I own a sexy pair of leather slacks" or it means "I am in control of myself and the world around me".

Thats really nicely put, and I do get your point. There's definately a contraditction in trying to act like someone elses idea of a Dom. But then - at least to some extent - we all do it. For example, if your wife said she really liked you in a particular colour shirt, would you say 'well, I prefer this colour, so I'm not doing it.' My guess is that you'd do what most of us do - mutter how it's not really your favourite shirt but go along with it to make her happy. I know thats different to thinking 'OK, I'm going to a munch, how does a Dom dress? Executioner hood, chaps, shitkicker boots and - and - shit, better carry a whip, too'

quote:

Polite, when driven by your own internal sense of self is never wimpy although the leather slacks crowd may perceive it that way.

Thats cool. I'll stand with that.

Thanks for some thoughtful input!

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RE: What qualities make a Dom? - 5/7/2012 11:14:02 AM

LadyConstanze

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kalthus

I don't mean to offend, but you're coming off as pretty clueless.

Gosh, how could I possibly take offense at that?

Clueless is a bit harsh. If you look at the first option, I'm generally moving from what I think is polite, reasonable etc, to the kind of uber-domish assholery that people complain about. I'm aware that throwing someone over a table and tonsil-wrestling her into submission isn't going to work, but what I'm getting at is - when does 'polite' become 'wimpy'?

To give you an example - I ran into a debate a while ago about munches. Some people felt that anyone who considered themselves a Dom shouldn't be met by a greeter. It's Ok for subs to be a bit nervous and shy, but it's 'unDommish'. How can you even think you'd be able to dominate someone when you don't have the nerve to walk into a pub? So clearly, there ARE people who have these expectations.

I take the point about 'just be yourself', but as with any dating, you don't have a long time to make a good impression. Its kind of like saying 'look, you're normally a bit of a slob, so why not turn up to meet her in ripped jeans and a Greateful Dead Tour shirt, bitch endlessly about your boss, the cancellation of 'Firefly' and - seriously - how often do you actually wear aftershave or polish those shoes? So why are you doing that?' Its natural to make an effort, and I think it's just as natural to 'be on your best behaviour.' Not lying or anything, I agree thats pointless, but just - making an effort.

I didn't call you clueless...

Well, you know making an effort is very very different from trying to change who you are to suit somebody else. Of course you make an effort when you go on a date, or you have an interview, but if you aren't interested say in horse riding or stamp collections, you aren't going to pretend that you're desperately interested in it or you wish to learn all there is about it. Or if you're into laid back pubs and clubs, you wouldn't make the first date a theater date, just to impress and make an effort because that would just really give the wrong impression and leads to frustration...

But your original point was much more about how you should behave on a first date, which might actually misrepresent you. And honestly, women have an antenna if the behaviour is put on or real. Now confidence is something you have to work for, you can't really act it, you have to be it because you feel confident in your ability, confidence is attractive, to males and females no matter what their orientation is, but it has to be real!

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RE: What qualities make a Dom? - 5/7/2012 11:24:19 AM

JanahX

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What qualities make a Dom?

That their personality is dominant to mine.

Do you prefer confident or arrogant?

confident

For a dom to be quite formal, or to very freely touch you (take your hand, arm, stroke your cheek - just assume it's OK for him to handle you?)
To ask questions about you, or give you orders?

If we are on that level = then yes.

To ask what you'd like to drink, or just order for you?

I prefer to order myself - only I know what Im in the mood for when it comes to eating.

To comment on your clothes, but say what he would prefer to see you in.

Not an interest of mine. Men Ive found unless they are flaming gay, have very little taste in womens clothing on any occasion. Then again, one of my occupations is a fashion consultant - so this is one of my areas of expertise.

To be very polite - almost posessively so. Leading you to your chair, holding the door open so you have to walk through it?

Not necessary - but from time to time its nice to be reminded that Im a lady.

To openly ask you sexual questions, or to respect that this might be a bit embarrassing in a coffee shop?

Once again, it depends on what level we are at.

To be critical of your behaviour, appearance, taste in music?

If they are critical then chances are we are not a match. I am who I am.. and thus, either you like me the way I am - or take a hike.

To be quite assertive with waiters, taxi drivers, etc, or come across asa generally nice guy?

This has to do with social edicate - you treat people the way they are behaving towards you. I dont expect people to be polite towards people that are acting like a jackass.

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RE: What qualities make a Dom? - 5/7/2012 11:54:07 AM

MASTERLIX

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quote:

ORIGINAL: amaidiamond

Do you prefer confident or arrogant? Confident - Arrogant is so offputting
For a dom to be quite formal, or to very freely touch you (take your hand, arm, stroke your cheek - just assume it's OK for him to handle you?) - Anyone"just assumed" they could touch/handle me would be risking a kick to the balls or an assalt charge.
To ask questions about you, or give you orders? - Ask questions, some guy gives me orders on a first date it will be his only date.
To ask what you'd like to drink, or just order for you? - Ask, until I have consented to a dynamic with someone they have no control over me
To comment on your clothes, but say what he would prefer to see you in. - By all means tell me if he likes what i am wearing but if he stepped into trying to dominate me without a dynamic/consent there would be an issue
To be very polite - almost posessively so. Leading you to your chair, holding the door open so you have to walk through it? - politeness is always good
To openly ask you sexual questions, or to respect that this might be a bit embarrassing in a coffee shop? - HUGE no no on the sexual questions
To be critical of your behaviour, appearance, taste in music? - Only if he doesn't want to see me again, again that is not his place before a relationship dynamic is established.
To be quite assertive with waiters, taxi drivers, etc, or come across asa generally nice guy? - Nice guy, assertive with service staff can often come over as assholeish

quote:

Do you prefer confident or arrogant? Confident - Arrogant is so offputting

I am only going to address your first line there. What is the dictionary definition of "Arrogant"?

SL

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RE: What qualities make a Dom? - 5/18/2012 4:47:55 PM

slavegirl537

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Like everyone else here has said, confidence is what makes a dominant man. Confidence is vital, a man can't be dominant without confidence in himself. He's also assertive, a natural leader. Excells in the workplace. A hero on the battlefield. Masculine and very intelligent. A gentleman but an animal in bed.

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