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Doing Things as a Dom - 5/15/2012 1:56:33 PM

Posts: 16
Joined: 3/16/2012
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I am curious because I keep seeing it come up on here. The situation:

I met someone from here who was great while chatting online. She seemed open, genuinely ready to be in a relationship as a sub, etc. I had her come out and once she got here things degraded. She did not shower and when she did it was to just get wet, no soap involved, did not brush her teeth, pretty much thrashed my house until she was told I'd send her to a homeless shelter then the night before she finally left decided to eat any food worth anything, leaving me pretty much nothing.

On top of all that she would tell her friends how I could not do anything to her and constantly pecked at me with "I need a strong dom, I'm just going to walk all over you, anyone would."

Now, most of that I know for a fact she thought she could walk on me because I am disabled. However, I also did things, like I would give her time to herself, got flowers once (though found out she was allergic, heh), etc.

Things that I personally do not consider showing weakness or not being strong, but showing hey, I do remember you have feelings too, etc, etc.

My question is, am I wrong in that I was not showing weakness by trying to show a level of consideration? To me, and from what I have read on here, it is not about just constant beatings, but that seems to be what she expected....

As a side note, relationship was done in 3 days and she was out in a week, heh, I did not the bs continue there.

RE: Doing Things as a Dom - 5/15/2012 2:00:35 PM

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Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
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Some people want power exchanges where they are cared for, doted on, and treated as special as the sub. Some people want power exchanges where they are treated like nothing but an object with no feelings, no desires, no kindness, no nothing of theirs considered. And then lots in between.

It didn't work out. Just keep searching for someone that matches your style.

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(in reply to ahorman)

RE: Doing Things as a Dom - 5/15/2012 2:08:19 PM

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First of all, do yourself a favor... take anything pertaining to this experience off your profile. It carries with it some indications that would be red flags to people.

Secondly, some think people with any vulnerability such as disability, illness or need, as someone they can prey upon. You must without becoming bitter, find ways to detect those types. Especially in this economy.

You do not show weakness in being considerate.

Sometimes when we have something that may or may not limit us, that people will view as limiting us... people think we are hungry enough to accept little rather than what we deserve, just like anyone else. Sometimes... we may even feel that. I encourage you to strengthen yourself in this area. It is realistic to talk about what is going on in your life, but also realistic to without defense of a protective manner to let people know, you are not so needy that you will accept less just to have something.

This woman sounds like a true homeless person, one that I would have had at the shelter. There were times when you had to stand there while they showered each day, to make sure they did it and did it correctly. What a pain in the ass, but a smelly situation if you didn't. I won't comment on the other things that went on.

It isn't easy finding someone that can live or deal with what some of us have going on... but don't take it personally and don't get discouraged! Find your strengths and see if they are something that would enhance the life of someone else. Step wisely and slowly for the most part and you will find you have better chances of better experiences.

Been there... done that and damn it all... I am still there doing that!

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(in reply to ahorman)

RE: Doing Things as a Dom - 5/15/2012 2:21:20 PM

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Joined: 3/16/2012
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I did move on and am talking with someone else :) As far as the disability, that part I'm used to some thinking it weak, that is just pretty much life and one of those things that happens, I am way passed bitterness over it :). My reason in asking is not because I am dwelling, but in that I just wanted an opinion other then that persons more on my actions.

(in reply to Lockit)

RE: Doing Things as a Dom - 5/15/2012 2:24:03 PM

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
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I get told all the time about the long laundry list of things I'm not allowed to do lest I lose some of my precious domly mojo. Myself I'm not all that interested in my domly mojo. If I want to be considerate I will. If I want to rub Carol's feet I will. If I want to kneel in front of her and tell her with profound gratitude in my voice how appreciative I am of her, I will. If Carol saw any or all of that as "not dominant" I'd be fine with that. Whatever it is, it's authentic Jeff.

What SHE expected shouldn't really be of that much interest to you other than to find out that you and she were not compatible. I wouldn't be compatible with a bratty sub either. I'm kind of past that stage in life.

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(in reply to ahorman)

RE: Doing Things as a Dom - 5/15/2012 2:26:00 PM

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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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It's a peculiar fact that some will pose as subs in order to get a roof over their heads, and that's true of all genders! Just move on, screen more carefully, and dont let anyone *just move in*.

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(in reply to ahorman)

RE: Doing Things as a Dom - 5/15/2012 2:36:34 PM

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The two of you were not compatible. Quit trying to assign blame and worrying about weakness vs strength.

I was too relaxed for one sub, who promptly became a slave to a man who was too strict for her. Sometimes ya can't win.

Better luck with the next woman.

< Message edited by DarkSteven -- 5/15/2012 2:55:51 PM >

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(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

RE: Doing Things as a Dom - 5/15/2012 2:52:02 PM

Posts: 6562
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From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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Welcome to the discussion side of CM.

As you have learned, there is a huge difference between being a desktop dom and the real thing. Yes, you failed utterly. But before you start beating yourself up *too* badly, think of this.

It sounds like you allowed this person to move in w/o really knowing her. Big red flag. There are reasons why you should not enter into a power dynamic with someone until both of you are ready for that. This "sub" doesn't sound very sub to me, it sounds like she was looking for a home and a meal ticket, and you were it.

But you wised up quickly. Good on you !! Don't let this one mistake cause you to have doubts in your dominance. Do see it as a valuable lesson learned.

Your profile is still very negative due to this past mistake. I would change that, most people know how to bathe (don't they?).

Best, CP

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(in reply to ahorman)

RE: Doing Things as a Dom - 5/15/2012 3:29:13 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

I've posted on here many times as to the good nature and politeness of my Dom. He is consistently kind and well-mannered, he looks out for those around him and almost never puts himself first. There have been threads over my time on these boards where people mistake kindness and a gentle demeanor with being weak. I personally don't like arrogant assholes so he and I are a good match.

I also see his caring nature as the mark of being a good leader. I'd rather have a good leader with his characteristics than the man who treats me with disdain as though I didn't matter in our relationship. That is how I feel, so he and I are a wonderful match. He treats me incredibly well and also beats on me when we are alone. We love having both sides in our relationship. He is also pretty tough on me at times when he wants me to live up to his standards. He is not a pushover. He is a leader.

You need someone who will appreciate you for who you are and click with you as a couple because she desires someone with your characteristics. No one is doing things the wrong way in pursuing whatever appeals to them, just look for the person who finds your particular mix of personal traits to be positive.

I agree about removing your negative profile comments. If I saw things like that referring to showering, brushing my teeth, and picking up after myself, I'd be instantly turned off and also wonder how you got yourself into things with a person who didn't do those things. In other words, it would make me wonder about your choosing ability that you ended up with someone like that and were more or less putting me at the same level as someone who didn't wash.

(in reply to ahorman)

RE: Doing Things as a Dom - 5/15/2012 3:33:07 PM

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Joined: 7/18/2011
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In my opinion, being considerate of your partner is NOT showing weakness. Nor does it have anything to do with how "dominant" you are. If you want to bring your girl flowers, you do it. You want to give her a massage, you do it. Because you care about her and want to do these things, right? That's your choice and doesn't imply any lack of "strength." Asserting yourself to do what you want, following your own way...is that not indicative of dominance and strength?

My Master is very affectionate with me and very considerate. He likes taking care of me. He likes showing that he cares about me and loves me. It makes him happy to do these things, and it makes me happy to know in no uncertain terms that I am loved and appreciated just as I love and appreciate him. Not once have I ever interpreted these actions as "weak" or "not dominant." It's just him doing nice things for me because he loves me, and him taking care of what he owns in the way he wants to take care of it. Because that's his right and responsibility as my owner. He's just being himself, and that is precisely what I expect from him--authenticity. I don't see how that could possibly be construed as contrary to his position of authority.

In the end, it comes down to a compatibility issue. Some will want not much affection/appreciation and a lot of indifferent/cruel/harsh, some will want the opposite, and some will want something in between. It's a spectrum, and somewhere someone will match up with your personality. You just have to be patient and find someone compatible with your ideals. Don't worry about whether or not your actions are consistent with the popular image of "dominant," and don't change your ways because someone else tells you their ideal is the better or right way. Because dominant is not an image, it is a trait. A trait that says that you are in control of yourself and your life, and that you follow your own path, not somebody else's.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

RE: Doing Things as a Dom - 5/15/2012 3:42:50 PM

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I'm curious. Where do you see this situation keep coming up?

The other question that I have for you is, if you had intended this not to be a D/s dynamic, and just a regular relationship instead, would you have brought this person into your home so quickly? Your joining date shows that you have been here two months. That means you didn't know this person all that well, but all of a sudden, she's in your house. If something isn't a smart move in the vanilla world, it's not a smart move just because it's kinky.

Why would you have been sending her to a homeless shelter, when during these three days she was telling her 'friends' that you were inadequate? Were these more people that she knew from online?

Yes, you got played. It's really not that difficult of a thing to do when people don't have a lot of lifestyle experience. Usually, these things work because those who don't have experience want to get it so badly that they make a lot of mistakes that are lacking common sense. You learned a lesson.

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(in reply to ahorman)

RE: Doing Things as a Dom - 5/15/2012 3:44:06 PM

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Joined: 5/19/2007
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FR~

Fools rush in where angels fear to tred.

Just because they call themselves subs you should not trust them to come into your heart and home so quickly. Take things more slowly when getting to know potential relationships partners, it applies to vanilla and BDSM alike.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

RE: Doing Things as a Dom - 5/15/2012 7:35:42 PM

Posts: 14413
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

I'm going to be blunt:

You made a shitty choice in your partner which has nothing to do with "is showing consideration weakness?".

She's a crappy person. YOU made a crappy choice. The fact that you didn't know she was allergic to flowers shows that you didn't take the time needed to get to know what you were getting into.

So rather than whining about "is showing consideration weakness?" stop and think about why you chose her...not the superficial stuff about her....but the deep down stuff about YOU....and address those issues. Figure out WHY you made that choice, correct it and move on.

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(in reply to ProlificNeeds)

RE: Doing Things as a Dom - 5/15/2012 9:50:01 PM

Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/29/2011
From: Eating dutch crunch in the Silicon Valley
Status: offline

Being kind, considerate, caring, loving, sensual... are all qualities that Dominants can have. They are certainly not character flaws.

However, like the others have mentioned your only mistake in all of this is obviously not getting to know someone on an intimate level before allowing them into your space (home, life, etc). Keep this as a lesson to learn where you went wrong, move on and be a bit more careful in the future. I also second, third, etc, the idea of wiping this off your profile and aim for making yourself appealing to the kind of submissive you wish to find.

There are bad vanilla people and bad BDSM people.

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(in reply to OsideGirl)

RE: Doing Things as a Dom - 5/16/2012 11:16:24 AM

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Joined: 3/16/2012
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Appreciated guys :) Still being new I wanted to make sure what I thought I knew was true. The persons comments had me thinking and I just wanted to ask because I am talking to someone new. The new person is taking it slow and we're getting to know each other :) Again, very much appreciated guys :)

(in reply to kitkat105)

RE: Doing Things as a Dom - 5/16/2012 6:15:58 PM

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Talking online isn't worth the paper it's printed on. Meet them first. Go on dates. See if you like each other as people.

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(in reply to ahorman)

RE: Doing Things as a Dom - 5/17/2012 12:12:33 AM

Posts: 44
Joined: 9/26/2011
Status: offline

Clearly you two were not a good match. If you had more mobility and/or punished her for her lack of self care, etc, would it have been better? Maybe, maybe not. I would not let anyone move in with me unless I did a lot of work defining roles, expectations, limits and still would let her know the arrangement is based on a 1-4 week probationary period, and if she does not work out, she is gone...

(in reply to DesFIP)

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