just wondering

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fadedshadow -> just wondering (5/22/2012 9:15:58 AM)
i learned a long time ago that i'm not a submissive but just someone who enjoys physical pain. however, anyone interested in playing wants me to submit to them as well which i won't do. i'd rather not be treated as an inferior. so how could i be involved with someone without having her thinking she's far above me? i realize the above question doesn't make much sense so you don't have to answer this

Missokyst -> RE: just wondering (5/22/2012 9:21:46 AM)
Makes sense to me. You are a bottom who wants a top. And yeah, there ar several tops who push that idea that you want to submit. Just make it clear that you are a masochist and not inclined toward submission. But.. for the record.. I am submissive and I never feel I am inferior, or allow myself to be treated as an inferior. It wasn't just luck that I found men who didnt believe themselves to be far above me, it was choosing my partners well. And choosing them well meant I had to make my feelings known as I got to know them. Ask questions and be open about what you want and expect. I am also a masochist who has played without submitting on occasion. It can be done.

fadedshadow -> RE: just wondering (5/22/2012 9:24:49 AM)
unfortunately, missokyst, i've had a lot of trouble with self confidence and because of that i seem to attract people who are either insane or want to walk all over me. or both. i find it very difficult to trust people as well. i firmly believe that anyone if given the opportunity will betray me

angelikaJ -> RE: just wondering (5/22/2012 9:48:28 AM)
Dungeons that have play parties seem to generally have tops who like to play with bottoms. Perhaps going to munches and declaring yourself a bottom will help to set your identity in the local community and give you a chance to get to know people. edit: typo/clarity

fadedshadow -> RE: just wondering (5/22/2012 10:08:13 AM)
yeah, i may do that sometime

angelikaJ -> RE: just wondering (5/22/2012 10:13:19 AM)
I know extending one's self into the community can sometimes be difficult especially if you have issues pertaining to your sense of self worth or are shy, but here's the thing: when you are among strangers you have the benefit of anonymity: no one need know that about yourself unless you tell them, and shyness often wears off in a short amount of time so if you can feign bravery for just a little while soon you won't be feeling shy. edit: spelling (grrr at self!)

fadedshadow -> RE: just wondering (5/22/2012 10:23:32 AM)
how would i make myself seem appealing? i'm not the most attractive of people

angelikaJ -> RE: just wondering (5/22/2012 10:38:08 AM)
I think you just show up. I think you be your quirky, geeky curious self. The usual things apply: good personal hygiene, dress in clean, neat clothing but wear something you are comfortable in... . I think you are probably likable and that will trump a pretty face with an ugly attitude. edit: perfectionism (added a comma)

littlewonder -> RE: just wondering (5/22/2012 11:56:07 AM)
Put in your profile that you're a bottom, not a sub and not a slave. Put in your profile that you have no desire to submit and that you are a sensation player, you enjoy the pain only. ETA: ok, nevermind what I just said above. After reading more of your thread, you should not play at all with anyone until you deal with your paranoia and trust issues. With such issues as yours, I'd see you as a danger to me and to you.

kalikshama -> RE: just wondering (5/22/2012 1:01:30 PM)
quote: how would i make myself seem appealing? i'm not the most attractive of people A positive attitude goes a long way. Volunteer in the BDSM community. quote: i've had a lot of trouble with self confidence and because of that i seem to attract people who are either insane or want to walk all over me. or both. i find it very difficult to trust people as well. i firmly believe that anyone if given the opportunity will betray me Therapy. Take up yoga or martial arts for the mental plus physical discipline. Learn about self-fulfilling prophecies.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: just wondering (5/22/2012 1:12:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: fadedshadow unfortunately, missokyst, i've had a lot of trouble with self confidence and because of that i seem to attract people who are either insane or want to walk all over me. or both. i find it very difficult to trust people as well. i firmly believe that anyone if given the opportunity will betray me I am a sadist. You have to be cautious approaching people like us, because not every sadist is into making sure their toys are okay at the end of the game. That means that you need to suit up and develop a NON PASSIVE persona. Lots of male subs seem to think passivity is a "submissive" trait (they are extraordinarily wrong) and that could be why you're getting read as a submissive. You are responsible for yourself, and that means stating your boundaries clearly and not taking any guff. Learn your limits and let them be known. Avoid open ended "whatever you like" phrases until you really know your playmate.

DesFIP -> RE: just wondering (5/22/2012 2:19:33 PM)
You've identified your issues, now get some help working on them. Because your distrust causes people to do things that you interpret as them not being worthy of trust. People know when you think they are lying, untrustworthy people. Nobody who is truthful and trustworthy will stay with someone who treats them this way. So either they leave you, which gives you the gloomy satisfaction after you drive them away of saying 'see, I knew they wouldn't stay and I was right not to trust them' or you can only attract dishonest types to begin with. I'm betting that it's your own actions which are making your worst fears come true. Because this is what people do unless they seek aid in changing. In the meantime, go to play parties, make friends of tops, and ask them to top you. If it's just pain play, not sexual, then you can get your pain needs met by anyone; male, female, trans. As far as a relationship goes, until you've fixed your problems you are not only going to get into another relationship which is bad for you, you are going to teach someone who is now open to relationships to treat everyone the same way you do: as though they are proven guilty to begin with. Do you really want that on your conscience?

kalthus -> RE: just wondering (5/25/2012 3:50:26 PM)
quote: how would i make myself seem appealing? i'm not the most attractive of people If you're talking about the ladies, then I'd agree with what has been said before - hygene, clean clothes etc work well. When it comes to dealing with people though, theres an art to it. Social situations can be really painful, but there are a couple of thing to remember: 1) Practice being nice to everone. Take a second and say something pleasant to the bus driver, the school cleaner. Give them a smile. Most people will respond to that, and you'll pretty soon feel that you atually ARE a person that people like. 2) If you are in a social situation, look around forother people who are also on their own or looking uncomfortable. They will usually be delighted to talk 3) Keep your conversation upbeat. Talk to people about what you like, what you enjoy, what you get excited by - people respond to positivity, not negativity. 4) Make eye contact, smile. If people return it, there's a much greater chance of people talking to you when you wander across to the and start a conversation. 5) Lastly - but this is THE REALLY IMPORTANT ONE - listen!! Take a mental note of whats being said, ask questions to draw out some more information (which shows you really are interested) Say something back to show that you've understood. Beyond that - just treat each soclal encounter as a way of practicing your skills. That actually takes a lot of the fear out.

Endivius -> RE: just wondering (5/25/2012 11:19:38 PM)
Ever seen a super hot girl, she opened her mouth and spoke two words and you wanted to punch her in the face? Yah, looks don't determine much. Certainly it's a plus. Like having an ace in the hole. But if your showing butkiss on the river the ace doesn't do anything for you. Be clean, in shape, and healthy. Be you. I've seen some absolute 10's dating at best 5's. You know why? Cause looks aren't everything.

LookieNoNookie -> RE: just wondering (5/25/2012 11:42:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: fadedshadow how would i make myself seem appealing? i'm not the most attractive of people Someone told me you have a saucy little wiggle when you walk.

kalthus -> RE: just wondering (5/26/2012 1:21:21 AM)
quote: I've seen some absolute 10's dating at best 5's. You know why? Cause looks aren't everything. Its true. And the best thing is - women are a lot less shallow than men and they select their partnerrs far more on personality. Men get confused because we select ours on - er - 'initial physical signals' and miss the important stuff, like the smile and the person behind it. And that makes things even worse because the kind of women we all go after get quite used to fending off people who are just after them for their looks. The real key? Don't look for sex. Don't. Forget about tht. Every time you meet a new lady, justenjoy her company. Find out about her, be nice, assume that you've already blown any chance of ever having a physical relationship. That way, you'll be trying to find out more about HER, and that makes you much more attractive straight away.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: just wondering (5/26/2012 3:47:20 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kalthus If you're talking about the ladies, then I'd agree with what has been said before - hygene, clean clothes etc work well. When it comes to dealing with people though, theres an art to it. Social situations can be really painful, but there are a couple of thing to remember: 1) Practice being nice to everone. Take a second and say something pleasant to the bus driver, the school cleaner. Give them a smile. Most people will respond to that, and you'll pretty soon feel that you atually ARE a person that people like. 2) If you are in a social situation, look around forother people who are also on their own or looking uncomfortable. They will usually be delighted to talk 3) Keep your conversation upbeat. Talk to people about what you like, what you enjoy, what you get excited by - people respond to positivity, not negativity. 4) Make eye contact, smile. If people return it, there's a much greater chance of people talking to you when you wander across to the and start a conversation. 5) Lastly - but this is THE REALLY IMPORTANT ONE - listen!! Take a mental note of whats being said, ask questions to draw out some more information (which shows you really are interested) Say something back to show that you've understood. Beyond that - just treat each soclal encounter as a way of practicing your skills. That actually takes a lot of the fear out. [sm=goodpost.gif]

tj444 -> RE: just wondering (5/26/2012 4:10:53 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kalthus quote: I've seen some absolute 10's dating at best 5's. You know why? Cause looks aren't everything. Its true. And the best thing is - women are a lot less shallow than men and they select their partnerrs far more on personality. Men get confused because we select ours on - er - 'initial physical signals' and miss the important stuff, like the smile and the person behind it. Really??? here i always thought it was cuz the guy was loaded (with money).. [8\|] [:D]

Salinedion -> RE: just wondering (5/26/2012 6:32:54 AM)
Why not just pay a pro or go to one of the big lifestyle events? TES-fest is happening over the 4th of July. I saw plenty of people getting seriously deliriously beat last year for free in a very friendly environment. And then afterwards, you can go to a so-so cook-out.

kalthus -> RE: just wondering (5/26/2012 10:01:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tj444 women are a lot less shallow than men and they select their partnerrs far more on personality. Really??? here i always thought it was cuz the guy was loaded (with money).. [8\|] [:D] Yes - they look for well known personalities with money! There is some truth in that, though. A lot of women are looking for protectors/providers. They don't go after rich guys because they are greedy ho's (except maybe the ones still pole plunging for Hefner, who have really pushed the envelope on skank) but they just find wealth and power a genuinely attractive quality. It outweighs poor looks.

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