The Little Girl Made of Blood (A Poem)

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The Little Girl Made of Blood (A Poem) - 5/29/2012 3:51:50 AM

PiratesAhoy

Posts: 19
Joined: 3/24/2012
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I originally wrote this poem in 2007, and it honestly came out of the blue during my Sophomore year. I like to think I wrote it for a certain family member that I was very close to whom died when I was 10. It really hit me hard, so something in me made me write this.

I warn you it does contain blood, possible violence, slight self injury, and general angst. Comments are welcome, and criticism is deeply appreciated.

The Little Girl Made of Blood

Don't forget to make it count
Take you knife and cut it out
Think back to how it all got started
And then cut deeper to keep out the horror

Watch the blood pour from your scars
And then look around and see the bars
Good little girl, papa's little girl
Isolated in her own little word

Death can be scary
But something else can be worse
And knowing your loved one died without a word
Can leave you in a place, that no one deserves

Everyone shouting, everyone screams
All the little girl can do is drop to her knees
She turns around and sees others smiling
And wonders how they can seem so inviting

With her world crumbled, her heart gunned down
She couldn't do anything but sit down and frown
The others stare, they don't understand
Their worlds are still on balanced land

This little girl, has grown through the years
But nothings changed and the tears still appear
She changed schools, got back some health
But still she feels like she's living in Hell

Each day she tries
each day she dreams
each day she remembers
that hazy, old dream

She doens't want to try,
She doesn't want to dream,
She doesn't want to remember
She just wants to let it all be

But each day comes, and each day ends
And all she can do is go with this trend
So she closes her eyes, counts to ten
And lets the blood flow from her hands
and hopes that no one can hurt her again.

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RE: The Little Girl Made of Blood (A Poem) - 5/29/2012 10:04:01 AM

RemoteUser

Posts: 2854
Joined: 5/10/2011
Status: offline

Since you asked for criticism (and editing is something I use to do) ~

Strengths: the feelings you want to convey come through well, and you give a sense of perspective that guides the reader.

Weaknesses: the method of expression felt crippled by the rhyming couplets. I felt that you had a lot more to say, but that constrained to rhyming words, they just didn't fall out the way they could have.

Criticism is just an opinion, so take what you want from this. I think you have a strong potential that hasn't developed because you need to explore more. Don't be afraid to break the rules, there are no absolutes when it comes to expression through art.

Keep writing and have fun with it.

_____________________________

There is nothing worse than being right. Instead of being right, then, try to be open. It is more difficult, and more rewarding.

(in reply to PiratesAhoy)

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