Diormat
Posts: 13
Joined: 6/4/2012
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Thanks for the feedback. I actually consider it quite positive.
If the intetntion of a piece of writing is to convey a particular meaning, then I would have to say that I succeeded in that aim judging by your comments. It's supposed to be slightly fantastic (yet plausible).
She is, in many senses, pandering to his desires more than her own: but not entirely. Which is why the prologue is important: the character Simon knows that this is a potential pitfall. Nonetheless, he suspends his own disbelief because he wants to believe his luck. It's not what he really wants though: which is contradictory. This is the irony and the reason why the relationship will not last: because of the need for fantasy to fuel it. The desired equality between them never develops. The act she plays actually prevents a genuine connection. Reality will eventually rear its ugly head: it does so when he asks "Who are you really, underneath the glamour?" He hints at this when he asks "Where do you come from?" He's intellectually very strong yet his social weaknesses means he can't always say precisely what he means. He knows that many women pander to the subs idea of what dominance is. But because she's socially stronger, the question gets sidestepped. It says in the prologue (they are actually monologues from the characters, introducing them and providing context for the conversation they then have) that he knows this can happen and he spots it. But because she ignores it, so does he. In short, their relationship starts of unequal OUTSIDE of their D/s relationship: because she seeks to keep it locked within that. It's his weakness socially and his desire to submit that keeps him from realising this. I made a point of skipping the conversation about what they do for a living: that part will be fleshed out later. I didn't want to break the fantastic feel of it just yet.
The character Simon is something of a retard socially: but doesn't have the sense to realise those flaws and so comes across as boorish and full of himself. He's a tragic/comic figure: the butt of the joke in the story. Unless he concentrates, he tends to say precisely what he's thinking. I can imagine that most women would read what he says and then think "Christ, if someone said that to me I'd think they were a twat then run a mile." Particularly if they were dominant. Thing is, he ends up doing what he would do at work initially: seeks to adopt control. Even though there is an overwhelming desire to fulfill her fantasies, he's conditioned himself to be socially dominant and that kind of conditioning is hard to drop (which I suspect is true of many submissive men). Part of the reason she decides upon her course of action is to take him down a peg or two.
She starts of pissed (because his late) and disappointed (he's not made much of an effort, partly because he enters the date sceptical). There's a part of her that thinks "He'll run a mile when I start dominating him." But she also sees the lack of pretence: the sheer honesty that is evident when someones mouth has eaten their brain. She's having fun playing the act: which I don't think is necessarily untrue of dominant women. They aren't going to be the super vixen all the time and it's something many women compartmentalise. One of the ideas I have for her is that playing Domme is a strong part of her particular fetish. By the same token, it sabotages the relationship from the off. The relationship becomes about the power dynamic: not the fact that they actually like each other.
And I guess that will be the point of the story: the impossibility of equality within human relationships, irrespective of their basis. Examining this within a D/s relationship actually makes a huge amount of sense to me: the power dynamics at play are examined in their relationships (and the relationships of others) outside of their D/s activities to emphasise the parallels. It's a personal piece but I seek to make (and I think would end up making anyway) statements relevant to human behaviour in society at large. I am trying to figure out what's wrong with human nature, the thing that prevents such equality from being achievable. The sentiments Simon has are ones that I share, to a certain extent.
Any feedback for this is more than welcome.
Now onto the criticisms. The poor grammar is something I need to look at. I did forget to put it through a grammar check. I normally find, in word, that this is sufficient to iron out difficulties. The criticisms about the opening dialogue is probably also true, although reading it back it's hard to imagine putting it another way and still convey what I want to say about these people. I could have them both sat in silence regarding each other, I suppose. But Simon coming out with "well, this awkward" almost straight away is, oddly enough, entirely consistent with the bluster of his character. It's very hard not to present Dee as a caricature here: even though there is a natural warmth and compassion to her character that sits outside of the usual stereotype. I don't think I succeeded in doing this, but then this was a secondary objective. The main one, and I admit to being a cruel God in this, is to set up the fall they'll both have. It's just as well I'm not a dominant: I'd be a mean bastard.
Take another read of it in when you get time. If you see specific things that you would change, point them out: that would be more helpful at this moment.
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