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Staying in Control - 6/14/2012 11:23:30 PM

WrightWay2380

Posts: 1
Joined: 6/13/2012
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I'm looking for an online Mentor for guidance and advice because I want to be a better Dominant. My wife and I would want a 24/7 BDSM Lifestyle which we are trying to put into place, but I have a hard time "remembering" to stay in control. I tend to be a push over because she has a way of sweet talking her way out of trouble.

Tips for being more firm and staying in control?

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RE: Staying in Control - 6/15/2012 12:32:47 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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Smart dominants don't issue orders which aren't going to be followed. Why is she getting into trouble in the first place? If it's forgetfulness, then help her find ways to jog her memory like setting a cell phone alarm. If what you're asking of her doesn't fit with her life, then you're wrong for trying to cause her harm.

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RE: Staying in Control - 6/15/2012 3:37:46 AM

kalikshama

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quote:

My wife and I would want a 24/7 BDSM Lifestyle which we are trying to put into place, but I have a hard time "remembering" to stay in control. I tend to be a push over because she has a way of sweet talking her way out of trouble.

Since 24/7 does not come naturally to you, why are you trying to implement it?

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RE: Staying in Control - 6/15/2012 4:28:17 AM

DarkSteven

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There are two people responsible for making 24/7 work. One can talk her way out of it, and the other lets her.

1. Which one of these two suggested 24/7 in the first place? Why is he or she not ensuring it works? Did the other agree?
2. What is the pattern of her rebellion? Does she do it when the kids need attention? Late at night after a full day? Whenever you tell her to perform two or three specific acts? This could be a matter of negotiating specific issues rather than you simply issuing orders. 24/7 means you are responsible for your submissive, not only for her actions.
3. How long have you been at this? The 24/7 couples I know began with D/s and slowly worked their way to 24/7 as the sub/slave felt more comfortable. Generally it took two or three years.
4. Your profile says something completely different. Your post says you want control of the relationship. Your profile states that you want control over yourself so you show more patience with your wife. I'd suggest a kink friendly therapist to deal with your issues of control and impatience, which I suspect means that you yell at her when you feel angry. If you DO follow that pattern, master yourself first.
5. I'd recommend jointly reviewing and answering the above questions, and then having a frank discussion about where the two of you want the relationship to go, and how you each intend to get there. And what you might have to give up for it to get there.

Good luck, and welcome to collarme.

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RE: Staying in Control - 6/15/2012 7:37:21 AM

littlewonder

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if you have to remember I'd wonder why you want this. It doesn't sound like you're a dominant personality imo. You either are dominant or you are not. You can learn all the tricks of the trade but in the end that doesn't make you anymore dominant. It just means you're good at role play and learning tricks.

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RE: Staying in Control - 6/15/2012 8:00:36 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14414
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Smart dominants don't issue orders which aren't going to be followed. Why is she getting into trouble in the first place? If it's forgetfulness, then help her find ways to jog her memory like setting a cell phone alarm.

I agree with this. She's an adult and she agreed to the dynamic. That said, it's not like flipping a switch and "click" you're the perfect submissive. It's learned behavior and will take time. You also need to make sure that you're giving her the tools to succeed and discuss issues when they happen.

As for the mentor part, I would recommend finding a mentor in real life. That way you can see other D/s relationships in action as opposed to taking someone else's word that he actually has experience and a relationship to follow.

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RE: Staying in Control - 6/15/2012 6:12:21 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
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quote:

ORIGINAL: WrightWay2380
I have a hard time "remembering" to stay in control. I tend to be a push over because she has a way of sweet talking her way out of trouble.

OK, two things to say here.

For you, why are you trying to "remember" to do anything? Why aren't you just building whatever relationship type actually works out well for the two of you. If it helps you any, I love Carol a great deal and I pay attention when she speaks to me. If she wants something, I do my best to give it to her. I am the dominant party in the relationship but I use a lot of the authority I have to make her life as wonderful as possible. I don't interpret her trying to convince me of something as "sweet talking" me. I think of it as "communicating a desire". That whole mindset may or may not be very "lifestyle-ey". I don't really care. It's making a lot of smiles between Carol and I. My point is that what I've built isn't some cookie cutter from the internet. It's a relationship designed to work well for the two participants in it.

For her, why is she getting in trouble to start with? She did want to be your sub/slave, right? So why isn't she doing what she alleges to want to do? Between Carol and I obedience isn't all that tricky. I tell her to do shit and she does. Or, if she thinks it's a bad or unpalatable idea she mentions that to me (see above). Then I may or may not reconsider. Then she obeys. She doesn't push me... which is probably a really good thing since I don't push well.

Were it me, I think I'd just look at her and say flat out, "So are you playing some sort of weird little game with me because I'm not really interested in fucking around with you. If you want to submit then do it. If you don't then stop playing games. Either way, pick a square and land on it... NOW." Try to remember that obedience is really pretty simple. You tell her to do shit and then she does it. If she's NOT doing it, then she's fucking around with you. Just to give you an idea how simple it is, here's my favorite little sample of how to get a "slave" to obey. I WISH I could claim credit for this but I can't... still it's pretty much how I think.

Master: So do you want to obey me?
Slave: Yes.
Master: Good, start now.

I think you and your wife both need to have a really serious heart-to-heart about what it is that you are trying to achieve.

Good luck.

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RE: Staying in Control - 6/15/2012 6:40:21 PM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
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From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
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"Tips for being more firm and staying in control? "

Control and styles of exercising control are very personalized. If you are mentored, it will bias you to their perspective. You will be pleased with their techniques because they help you reach your goal, but you might miss a different perspective or style that may suit you better if you had studied and read up on it in several books. Studying will give many styles to choose from. All equally valid in their perspectives, but Mistress Abernathy is quite different from Jon Warren and so on.

Good luck.

-=BDSM Book List=-

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RE: Staying in Control - 6/16/2012 3:57:43 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

if you have to remember I'd wonder why you want this. It doesn't sound like you're a dominant personality imo. You either are dominant or you are not. You can learn all the tricks of the trade but in the end that doesn't make you anymore dominant. It just means you're good at role play and learning tricks.

This...!

OP, you want tips on how to pretend; to play a make-believe role?

Because you think that's what we bona fide control freaks are really doing!?!

I think you're only real need and motivation here is to please your wife - which is certainly honourable. You guys need to talk because, if you really do need memory tips on how to be the alleged dominant you, you've already "crashed and burned" as the one purportedly in charge.

Focus.

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RE: Staying in Control - 6/16/2012 7:43:14 AM

Salinedion

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Since I was new once, here's a practical suggestion:

Pick a thing you want to be dominant about (bed time is a good one). Have it be a sane thing that serves a useful purpose rather than just I-said-so pointlessness. Be consistent, spank (or whatever) to enforce. Work on that one thing.

If you find yourself having a lot of sex around the thing, you can figure out the rest from there. If not, then just have kinky fun with your hot wife. 'Wouldn't be the saddest outcome I ever heard here.

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RE: Staying in Control - 6/16/2012 7:51:48 AM

lizi

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OP, it might sound as though people are getting down on your desire to Dominate. They're not really, they're saying you are reaching for a level that might not be you, and it might not be the best thing to reach for something that isn't who you are. Think of how it doesn't usually go well if people are not true to themselves and if they don't stick to giving what is theirs to give. If I'm not good with kids, it wouldn't go well if I tried to be an elementary school teacher. If I was a laid back person without much regard for rules, I shouldn't probably go into the military.

Your desires of exploring things with your wife is an excellent idea, it seems to be something the two of you are really enjoying and its probably bringing you closer together. It's ok to take things to a lower level so to speak and not go for the whole enchilada. I think the most enjoyable thing about this lifestyle is how it frees each of us individually to do things that are rewarding, but that won't happen if you try to be someone that you aren't. Plus we can all progress into things at whatever pace is good for the people involved.

I'd talk together and set maybe a smaller goal than 24/7 with you as the one in control. I think this would be a great time to explore things in general more, and maybe read some books together to get an idea of what to explore. Maybe sit down together with a BDSM checklist and see what each of you are interested in before settling on the 24/7 disciplinarian type thing as the end goal. Along the way of your exploring, I think you'd find out more about yourself and your own personal style and how it would work for the two of you and then you could start implementing some things one by one as rules or guidelines.

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