How to say No, Thanks? (Full Version)

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Morghan -> How to say No, Thanks? (10/30/2004 10:31:21 AM)

I have recently had a guy who seemed interested in just corresponding with me as I have been laid up with my leg in a cast. I felt I had established that he was not my preferred type from day one, when he had sent me a picture and I let him know my level/lack of attraction. Yet I got periodic emails asking how the leg was etc. Ok, no problem. Then today he says "well it doesn't sound like you're interested in me as your sub, so just tell me." So I told him. "Thats correct, I'm not interested, I thought we had covered it before. I'd be happy to correspond with you but more seems unlikely." What I got back was a scathing email about how I'm not what I seem and he's going to tell the world what a fake I am. Quite frankly, I was shocked! Not only had I directly answered the rather blunt question he had asked me, I tried to do so in as gentle a manner as possible.

So, my question to you subs and slaves out there, is could you critique this interaction? Do you see some clear error here in how I approached it? I am more than willing to change the way I say "No Thanks" to those who don't interest me, if it will avoid this type of rather caustic exchange. I sometimes wonder if I am too nice in the early stages of corresponence, and this is viewed as me leading them on?


Morghan



sub4hire -> RE: How to say No, Thanks? (10/30/2004 11:33:45 AM)

It sounds to me as you communicted your side as well as you could considering the circumstances.
Perhaps this person is just one of those who don't understand the word no?
The stalker type mentality. Then when they don't get what they want they turn into the child who throws themselves on the floor screaming.
I guess his parents never taught him that doesn't work in the real world to get your way?



cranialcarnage -> RE: How to say No, Thanks? (10/30/2004 11:39:09 AM)

It seems as if you handled this situation very well, with more decorum than I would have (patience is something I am working on, and making good progress with). If he can't take no for an answer, whether it is the first time or not, then he definitely has a problem. by the way, I hope the leg gets better; I had mine in a cast for six weeks and it sucked.



inadazey -> RE: How to say No, Thanks? (10/30/2004 12:06:19 PM)

When I saw the post title, I thought it was going to be a question for advice on how to turn guys down gently... I wasn't going to be any help with that, since my rejections with the "overly persistent" type have consisted of lots of wild lies (generally, "I just got back with my ex; we realized we couldn't stand to be apart" or "I just met someone yesterday and we fell madly in love! But you're such a great guy.. sorry!" *cough cough*) so I wouldn't hurt their feelings... *eye roll*
But, you seem to have gotten down rejections with much more finesse (and honesty) than I have, so I'm actually really impressed! As to the loser in question, I've encountered far too many of them over the years. My conclusion.. they have issues. Major issues. There's really nothing you can do with them, imo, except to try to cut off contact ASAP so you don't get stalked... So, don't write back to him, because in their little f**ked up minds, any sort of contact is just encouragement. Chances are, you're not the first person he's done this with, and you won't be the last. They just, for whatever reason, don't seem to get rejection or handle it the way other people would.
You handle it very well; the guy's just a freak. :) Whatever you do, disregard the e-mail he wrote you, because he was just trying to make you feel bad.. You really did absolutely nothing wrong, and 99% of men will understand a nice rejection and respond appropriately. He's the 1%... So please don't be critical of yourself, and I hope your leg gets better soon! *hugs* ~daisy~



happypervert -> RE: How to say No, Thanks? (10/30/2004 12:48:07 PM)

quote:

I felt I had established that he was not my preferred type from day one,

In hindsight it appears that the message was never received -- perhaps you were too gentle or polite at the start too. Folks will hear what they want to hear, so perhaps a gentle no can be perceived as "maybe".

Also, maintaining a polite correspondence could have been interpreted as changing your mind or accepting the advances if the "NO" message isn't repeated again and again and again. Or better yet, you could have stopped replying long before it ever got to that point -- that along with the "block" button is is an unambiguous way to tell someone you're not interested.



Estring -> RE: How to say No, Thanks? (10/30/2004 12:58:10 PM)

Morghan, the most important thing to remember is you are a nice person. There is nothing wrong with that. If some jerk can't respond to you in an equally nice manner, that is his problem. I think you did exactly what you should have done. Don't second guess yourself.



BeachMystress -> RE: How to say No, Thanks? (10/30/2004 3:15:32 PM)


The problem isn't that you didn't communicate with him. The problem is he didn't want to hear it, so didn't. I get this all the time. I am a friendly person. I will make it clear up front that I am not interested in meeting someone, but am happy to exchange correspondence as long as they want. As you write back and forth, they forget that. They WANT it to be true that some day you will take them on, so in their mind, that is what this writing back and forth is about. Most of the guys when they bring up something like you got, say.. "oh, yeah, you did say that" when I remind them I was honest from the front that I wasn't looking to meet them. A few go ballistic. You just have to remember that some people are jerks. When you encounter one like this, block him, shrug and move on. They are so vicious because they feel hurt and want to hurt you in return. Since you were honest in the first place it is his fault for building up a fantasy. You do not deserve the viciousness. You are going to encounter some wonderful people in your search and you're going to encounter some who are a waste of the air they breathe.



Sylverdawn -> RE: How to say No, Thanks? (10/30/2004 3:47:44 PM)

All you can say is no thanks..

I have had similar instances.. No thank you .. I dont feel we are suited.. I appreciate your interest and wish you luck finding someone with whom you can have a deeper connection. And, yes Ive gotton back things like.. FAT F**KING BITCH.. blah blah blah.. my knee jerk response is ..Yep and enjoying it thanks.. but generally I just let it go.. is it worth my time to waste my engery in worrying about someone who would probably turn into a crazy stalker.. nuhuh... You did well.. and move on.



Morghan -> RE: How to say No, Thanks? (10/30/2004 7:00:02 PM)

I appreciate all the validation I've received in this forum. I really do consider myself to be a person of great integrity and character. Sadly, my existing state of frustration got the better of me and I did respond to the twerp. I said something about trying to sort this out like reasonable people. He then basically said that if I badmouthed him, anything I might say would be laughed off because his reputation is so great in vanilla and D/s circles. I frankly find that hard to beleive, based on the reactions I received. He also informed me that I was probably a sub or really looking for a woman, but obviously not a "real" mistress. In some ways, his childish attacks have made me feel better. Because after all, if I am critiqued in a rational, patient matter, chances are it's well thought out. In this case, it was a knee jerk, angry attempt at character assasination. I'm doing my best to ignore him and have deleted all his emails.

Some days, you encounter people who are just so far out there, its difficult to keep looking for the diamonds among the filth. I think I'm doing better now, thank you.

Morghan



realophelia -> RE: How to say No, Thanks? (10/30/2004 7:57:58 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Morghan

So, my question to you subs and slaves out there, is could you critique this interaction? Do you see some clear error here in how I approached it? I am more than willing to change the way I say "No Thanks" to those who don't interest me, if it will avoid this type of rather caustic exchange. I sometimes wonder if I am too nice in the early stages of corresponence, and this is viewed as me leading them on?


I don't think you did anything wrong. It just sounds like the sub in question was the sour grapes sort. Also not very nice the way he rejected your offer to correspond with him, IMO.

Take care :)
Ophelia



happypervert -> RE: How to say No, Thanks? (10/30/2004 9:28:08 PM)

Something that is hilarious is that after being rejected he paints you as being a terrible person. That really makes him a complete ass for wanting to be involved with someone as undesirable as you and not being good enough. heh.



blushes4u -> RE: How to say No, Thanks? (11/2/2004 2:55:46 PM)

I think your response and action was done very well. He probably just can't take rejection too well.



RaeRae39 -> RE: How to say No, Thanks? (11/4/2004 2:57:29 PM)

[&:]
Morghan, after reading through everyone's responses to your question, {and what great support~!}, I had a thought for you.
You see, some people will go through any means to get what they want. He may have been trying to entice you, even if it was verbal humilation, hey it's something~! So, he may have baited you. This has happened to me, and I am a sub~! He may have been looking for you to say, hey you little f**k'in twit, cut the s**t, or whatever. You never know, it's amazing what people will do~!
Rae



grrl6 -> RE: How to say No, Thanks? (11/15/2004 1:08:25 PM)

as a newbiesub, i encounter lots and lots of this sort. possibly more because as an African-American female my preference is towards African American males. so far the rudest responses and initial notes i've received have been from those individuals of other cultural heritages who think my newness equates to ignorance and think that i will not respond in kind to them; they are mistaken: i will. since posting that statement into my journal i have had less of them, but interestingly i find i also have less of them since announcing that i was no longer in service to the last Dom i served.

might i suggest a very pop-culture route-------'Just say, " Oh, Hell NO!"'
Mya, Girlfriends, UPN
grrl6

ps
i must also agree with Rae----many of them are hoping to get you to spit venom their way, so i guess in your position it would be best to be extra nice to the twits.



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