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Seeking a Top, rather than a Domme - 6/29/2012 10:32:05 PM   
pinniped


Posts: 41
Joined: 9/14/2010
Status: offline 		I often have trouble pigeon-holing myself, so I won't say that I am really more of a Bottom than a Sub, because I'm not really sure. I can certainly say that I don't seem to fit the definition of "service-oriented" that seems predominant here -- that is, I certainly do enjoy serving, but I want *something* back -- even if it's just the fun of being treated like a servant.

But: if one were looking for a woman whose main interest was in the kinky play from the dominant side, what's the right way to go about it?

The answers I immediately predict I get are (1) go see a pro, which apart from being rather dismissive, is impractical; and (2) "Oh, it's not that hard just to find people to play with" which may be true for a lot of people but as someone who has been looking for over 25 years with very little (thankfully, not quite zero) success, it ain't true for me.

Just wondering if anyone has any thoughts.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Seeking a Top, rather than a Domme - 6/29/2012 10:35:49 PM   
fetisheden


Posts: 274
Joined: 1/25/2011
Status: offline 		why is a pro impractical? i would think being alone for 25 years instead of hiring a Dominatrix would be "impractical"...

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(in reply to pinniped)
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RE: Seeking a Top, rather than a Domme - 6/29/2012 10:38:57 PM   
pinniped


Posts: 41
Joined: 9/14/2010
Status: offline 		Because from what I can tell, an hour or so with a pro would set me back a week's pay (I work part-time at a pretty low-paying job) -- quite possibly more. And for me, an hour just doesn't do it, for most of the kind of play I would want (and if I am going to a pro it's going to be about what I want). If I find my income jumping by a factor of five or so, then I might have a different viewpoint.

And being alone is extremely practical -- it just sucks.

(in reply to fetisheden)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Seeking a Top, rather than a Domme - 6/29/2012 10:52:25 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		go to play parties. You'll find a huge array of people wanting to just play and nothing else.


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RE: Seeking a Top, rather than a Domme - 6/29/2012 11:03:49 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pinniped

But: if one were looking for a woman whose main interest was in the kinky play from the dominant side, what's the right way to go about it?


Make her laugh. That will almost always at least get a foot in the door then just be yourself. If you are happy and content in your life then partnerships are a plus ... an enhancement and not a requirement.

Good luck.

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Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


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Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Seeking a Top, rather than a Domme - 6/29/2012 11:18:45 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Unless I am mistaken, we've been over this before......

Yes, go to play parties. Attend other events. Volunteer to help when the opportunity presents itself.

If I recall correctly, you have said in the past that one of the issues is your shyness. That is something that you are going to have to overcome, or at least work on. You can't expect people to approach you for play, so you may have to be willing to ask.


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RE: Seeking a Top, rather than a Domme - 6/30/2012 4:00:29 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		I'm shy in large groups of new people and find that volunteering helps tremendously.

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RE: Seeking a Top, rather than a Domme - 6/30/2012 5:26:43 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		pinniped, I'm not sure what you want. Is it:

1. Simple play sessions and nothing else?
2. A full vanilla relationship with a woman, in which the vanilla vanishes in the bedroom only?

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RE: Seeking a Top, rather than a Domme - 6/30/2012 7:16:48 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		We really HAVE been over this before. Make friends. Be honest about what you want. Amke more friends, regardless of orientaion.

Are you shy, or are you PASSIVE? They're not the same.

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Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Seeking a Top, rather than a Domme - 6/30/2012 8:02:06 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Do you *really* want to know why you can't find a dominant female?

I'll tell you.

Now, all this is based on this ONE thread, your OP and other's reactions, okay?

You're too shy to go to a munch. Since a munch is merely a meet and greet in a restaurant, this is bull shit. You're not to shy to leave the house to go out to your job, or to go grocery shopping, or get your hair cut, are you? So, this is an excuse, remember that, b/c we *are* going to come back to it later.

You don't have enough money to pay a pro. You don't have enough money to support yourself, I am guessing. How can anyone support themselves on a menial part time job? This means you live with your mom, are on disability, or both. It also means (even if you are disabled) that you have zero ambition to make your life better.

You've been alone for 25 years. This is a huge red flag to most people, akin to being unemployed for 25 years. You have to ask why? Prison? Mental institution? Stuck in mom's basement? Do you see where I am going here?

You keep asking the same question hoping to find an easy answer, a quick fix, something to make your life better OTHER than the obvious: get off your ass and make it better your own damned self. Stop waiting for someone else to do it for you, and STOP making excuses.

You're 49 years old and not bad looking. There's still time to change your life for the better. I mean you are in So Cal for pity's sake. Find a munch and get up the courage to go. Then use whatever people skills you have to meet people. Make friends.

Will all this be hard for you? Yes, I suspect excruciatingly so. But you don't get what you want from life waiting for others to give it to you.



< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 6/30/2012 8:03:14 AM >

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RE: Seeking a Top, rather than a Domme - 6/30/2012 7:12:36 PM   
OttersSwim


Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		This is very old and trod upon ground with this guy...

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Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Seeking a Top, rather than a Domme - 6/30/2012 9:57:14 PM   
NiceButMeanGirl


Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pinniped
if one were looking for a woman whose main interest was in the kinky play from the dominant side, what's the right way to go about it?

I'd say go to munches. If you're really shy, go with a friend. That's what I did because I used to be painfully shy, not so anymore.

You can also go to play partners as a single. I'm willing to bet that there'd be someone there who's willing to Top you. You might have to muster up the courage to ask though. I don't have a sub of my own right now, but I have two guys I regularly play with. One guy I flog the crap out of, and the other guy I spank like crazy and then he will kiss my feet all over with his Mistress right beside me. We're really good friends.

Also, Fetlife has more role options than CM. You can actually call yourself a bottom on there so no one gives you crap for calling yourself a submissive when they think you're not. Fet is also a lot better than CM for finding local events and happenings near you.

NBMG

< Message edited by NiceButMeanGirl -- 6/30/2012 9:58:04 PM >

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(in reply to pinniped)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Seeking a Top, rather than a Domme - 7/1/2012 7:14:34 AM   
SadisticMs2


Posts: 203
Joined: 8/10/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pinniped

I often have trouble pigeon-holing myself, so I won't say that I am really more of a Bottom than a Sub, because I'm not really sure. I can certainly say that I don't seem to fit the definition of "service-oriented" that seems predominant here -- that is, I certainly do enjoy serving, but I want *something* back -- even if it's just the fun of being treated like a servant.

But: if one were looking for a woman whose main interest was in the kinky play from the dominant side, what's the right way to go about it?

The answers I immediately predict I get are (1) go see a pro, which apart from being rather dismissive, is impractical; and (2) "Oh, it's not that hard just to find people to play with" which may be true for a lot of people but as someone who has been looking for over 25 years with very little (thankfully, not quite zero) success, it ain't true for me.

Just wondering if anyone has any thoughts.



Simply put, if you want some changes in your life, you're going to have to make some changes. Make some changes in your work so you are more financially secure. Go out to more BDSM oriented social events so you meet more people so you have more opportunities to meet someone who might be interested in playing with you.


(in reply to pinniped)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Seeking a Top, rather than a Domme - 7/1/2012 7:16:12 AM   
SadisticMs2


Posts: 203
Joined: 8/10/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

Do you *really* want to know why you can't find a dominant female?

I'll tell you.

Now, all this is based on this ONE thread, your OP and other's reactions, okay?

You're too shy to go to a munch. Since a munch is merely a meet and greet in a restaurant, this is bull shit. You're not to shy to leave the house to go out to your job, or to go grocery shopping, or get your hair cut, are you? So, this is an excuse, remember that, b/c we *are* going to come back to it later.

You don't have enough money to pay a pro. You don't have enough money to support yourself, I am guessing. How can anyone support themselves on a menial part time job? This means you live with your mom, are on disability, or both. It also means (even if you are disabled) that you have zero ambition to make your life better.

You've been alone for 25 years. This is a huge red flag to most people, akin to being unemployed for 25 years. You have to ask why? Prison? Mental institution? Stuck in mom's basement? Do you see where I am going here?

You keep asking the same question hoping to find an easy answer, a quick fix, something to make your life better OTHER than the obvious: get off your ass and make it better your own damned self. Stop waiting for someone else to do it for you, and STOP making excuses.

You're 49 years old and not bad looking. There's still time to change your life for the better. I mean you are in So Cal for pity's sake. Find a munch and get up the courage to go. Then use whatever people skills you have to meet people. Make friends.

Will all this be hard for you? Yes, I suspect excruciatingly so. But you don't get what you want from life waiting for others to give it to you.




This.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Seeking a Top, rather than a Domme - 7/1/2012 8:54:16 AM   
Killerangel


Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pinniped

The answers I immediately predict I get are (1) go see a pro, which apart from being rather dismissive, is impractical; and (2) "Oh, it's not that hard just to find people to play with" which may be true for a lot of people but as someone who has been looking for over 25 years with very little (thankfully, not quite zero) success, it ain't true for me.

Just wondering if anyone has any thoughts.


I can understand feeling out a subject to see if anything new under the sun has been invented but the fact that you predicted what categories the answers you would get here would fall into pretty much means that it's all still the same game. This is old territory and it has been gone over before. People generally take your questions seriously and answer them, if they don't have any new answers then it might be because of this....

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

You keep asking the same question hoping to find an easy answer, a quick fix, something to make your life better OTHER than the obvious: get off your ass and make it better your own damned self. Stop waiting for someone else to do it for you, and STOP making excuses.



I really think Chatte has hit it on the head. It seems rude maybe and unhelpful to deflect the thread topic back onto yourself, but there simply don't seem to be any other solutions out there. It's like the hungry person sitting there with their hand out waiting for food to drop into it.

(in reply to pinniped)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Seeking a Top, rather than a Domme - 7/2/2012 6:00:23 AM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pinniped

as someone who has been looking for over 25 years with very little (thankfully, not quite zero) success......



Someone once said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.

What you've been doing for the past 25 years obviously hasn't worked, so it's time to try something new. I know that doing so will probably be uncomfortable for you, but the alternative is for the next 25 years to look exactly like the past 25 years. The choice is yours.

Now get your shy ass to a munch and stop whining!

ETA: When you get to the munch, don't just sit in a corner by yourself waiting for a Domme to come and claim you as her love slave. You're going to have to be friendly and actually talk to people. I know it's going to be hard for you, but do it anyway. THAT'S AN ORDER!!!

< Message edited by Rochsub2009 -- 7/2/2012 6:02:58 AM >

(in reply to pinniped)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Seeking a Top, rather than a Domme - 7/2/2012 10:11:32 AM   
TNDommeK


Posts: 7153
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fetisheden

why is a pro impractical? i would think being alone for 25 years instead of hiring a Dominatrix would be "impractical"...


I didn't even finish reading these threads and had to repost this...I think it should be said again!
OK and I finished reading the thread, and see why you can't hire a pro. And no I agree with everything CP said. It is cut and dry and what you need to hear.

< Message edited by TNDommeK -- 7/2/2012 10:14:40 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Seeking a Top, rather than a Domme - 7/3/2012 12:10:51 AM   
seekingreality


Posts: 599
Joined: 8/11/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pinniped

I often have trouble pigeon-holing myself, so I won't say that I am really more of a Bottom than a Sub, because I'm not really sure. I can certainly say that I don't seem to fit the definition of "service-oriented" that seems predominant here -- that is, I certainly do enjoy serving, but I want *something* back -- even if it's just the fun of being treated like a servant.

But: if one were looking for a woman whose main interest was in the kinky play from the dominant side, what's the right way to go about it?

The answers I immediately predict I get are (1) go see a pro, which apart from being rather dismissive, is impractical; and (2) "Oh, it's not that hard just to find people to play with" which may be true for a lot of people but as someone who has been looking for over 25 years with very little (thankfully, not quite zero) success, it ain't true for me.

Just wondering if anyone has any thoughts.


Try doing everything the opposite.

If you hate munches go to them.

Rewrite your profile, taking all the negative stuff, complaining the excuses.

Do whatever you can to make the rest of your life better. Exercise more.

Quit looking for an easy answer. Because you won't find it here. Decide what you want. Make a plan. Accept the plan will require work on your part.

(in reply to pinniped)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Seeking a Top, rather than a Domme - 7/3/2012 12:30:59 AM   
PrincessDonna11


Posts: 289
Joined: 8/7/2011
Status: offline 		Im convinced that this lonely man posts here to get Domme attention because its all he can get. Many friends of mine have said they found potings from subs willing to do "handyman" things like paint or lay carpet and they have turned into LTR. Are you looking at what you REALLY have to offer? You may be broke but there are SOOO many ways to serve , a pro being just one, I get the feeling that if you had the $ you would go to a pro for a tempory fix. look at what you have to offer first and foremost.

(in reply to seekingreality)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Seeking a Top, rather than a Domme - 7/3/2012 12:59:25 AM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		Along with CP's very good advice, why don't you try to figure out why in 25 years you haven't been able to figure out what it is YOU are doing wrong that is making it so difficult for you?

A part time job at 49 years old?  Unless you are disabled, yea, most women are going to have trouble with a guy who isn't even self supporting.  According to you, you haven't had any kind of long term relationship in at least 25 years, if ever.  Again, that is a huge red flag to most women.  You have issues with women who have minor children.  Dude, you are 49 years old, and unless you think you are going to find some twentysomething girl, the women your age, many will have children and aren't interested in someone who says right up front, is going to have issues with their kids.  Your journal entries can be perceived as whiny.  Another turn off.

So since the only common denominator in your not being able to find a relationship is you, it is time you figured out what it is that is you are doing wrong to try to change it.

(in reply to pinniped)
Profile   Post #: 20
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