AAkasha
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Enjoying Female Dominance
Copyright Akasha, All Right Reserved
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ENJOYING FEMALE DOMINANCE: A Guide- Dominance Enjoying It
How can I begin to explore dominance - and enjoy it?
I believe that self confidence is a key factor in effective domination scenarios. But I remember I didn't have much self-confidence at all when I was 16 and experimenting with these feelings. In fact, I was terrified. I was terrified at what he might think, or that I would look silly or stupid. I was terrified that I would run out of things to do or say once I finally got him to agree to it, and then he wouldn't want to play with me anymore.
It took some time to develop self-confidence. It will take you some time, as well. I can't recall what events shaped that for me, or whether it was just a matter of practice and experience.
Finding out what you need from domination One of the problems with domination stereotypes are the types of things you associate with it. Maybe you think it is mostly about pain, about hurting your partner. Or maybe you think it is about tying him up and acting really nasty, even though that makes you uncomfortable.
Maybe you think it is about doing humiliating things to him that make you uneasy because you are afraid you will lose respect for him.
None of this is true. Domination is about getting a reaction from your partner. People use and enjoy different tools --some are very subtle, and some are very extreme. Keep in mind, both people enjoy the tools being used in all of the above scenarios. If you don't enjoy any of them, that does not mean you are not capable of dominating him. It means you have to develop your own style. A style that fits you, and that you can grow with.
The most important, effective tool in domination you already have. It is you.
It is your attitude. It is the way you feel about your body, and the way you feel about your sexuality.
But, let's get back to "reactions".
I think one of the most basic rewards or rushes from domination is "button pushing", or trying to get certain reactions from your partner. It gets more specific for me, as it may for you - and I start to want to create specific reactions. Then it becomes a challenge - what tactics can I use to get those reactions?
When you think back to the example where you were wearing the dress that made him stare at you, you are pleased with his reaction. The reaction that makes you feel good is that he can't keep his eyes off of you. It feels good that you have done something to generate sincere arousal and distraction in him. The reaction is a combination of the way he looks at you, or the changes in his behavior - the way he breathes, speaks, or expresses himself.
It is quite a charge knowing you did this to him, isn't it?
What are other things you like to see your partner do when he reacts to something?
Roadblocks to Enjoyable Domination
Nervousness/Thinking too much
There is no doubt you will be nervous. I still get nervous to this day, especially if my partner is new. Mostly, though, it is nervous excitement.
When I was newer to domination, I found that nervousness manifested itself mostly in questioning myself. In my head, I was asking myself a ton of questions, and sometimes asking him the same things. Maybe some of these questions are familiar:
Does he think I'm weird for doing this? Is this boring for him? Am I not being forceful enough? Am I going to do something bad and he won't tell me, then start acting distant? Is this coming off as silly?
In addition, since dominance is not a natural drive for you (yet), you probably have these additional questions:
Am I doing this right? Is this what he wants? What am I supposed to do now? Is he disappointed in me? Do I even look dominant?
At some point, you need to get out of your own head. I can't recall how long it took me, but I can tell you, honestly, I am very rarely in my own head when I dominate now. And that is a very good feeling. If you find yourself asking too many questions, try to stop. Consider that you have plenty of time to think about these things after you have finished. Instead, think only about what you can do to make the experience more enjoyable. In short, what do you want?
Insecurity
Part of the questioning probably comes from insecurity. You have a right to be insecure about domination if you have never done it before. There is nothing wrong with that.
But you should not be insecure about your sexuality, your prowess, and your ability to push your partner's buttons. I guarantee you one thing: No one knows better than you how to push your partner's buttons. You are a goddess to him. You must remember that.
When insecurity manifests itself in domination, it creates a vicious circle of self questioning, self doubt, and then more insecurity relating to the expression of those feelings in an effort to make them go away. In other words, you may find yourself telling your partner about what you are feeling in an effort to get some positive feedback or direction, and then regardless of what he says, you feel like a failure for asking him when you are supposed to be dominating him. This is one of the biggest pitfalls in novice domination.
If you are dealing with insecurity in the middle of domination, you need to express it and squash it in a manner that will not undermine your confidence and how you perceive your partner is seeing you.
For example, if you feel suddenly not very sexy, do not ask, "What do you think of me right now?". Don't ask, "Do you think I'm sexy?". Because I promise you, no answer he gives will be good enough for you. Never "fish" when you dominate. Women, I have found, tend to fish for things from their partner when they want to be stroked emotionally. Because, let's face it, it just is not the same when you have to ask for it. But we have learned, over time, that men are not mind readers, and chances are when you send him out fishing, unless it's with a pole and bait, he's going to be scratching his head and you are going to get frustrated. Leave all guessing games out of domination.
Instead, consider asking/stating, "You find me incredibly sexy, don't you?"
I guarantee you his reaction will be what you want to hear, and in the right tone of voice. When you speak with that kind of confidence, you get the reaction you want. Men love self confidence. Men love women who are self confident about their sexuality and their body. Men love women that express that openly and freely. Trust me on this. You will see the reaction.
If you are dealing with insecurity in your session, try turning it around by taking the insecurity, announcing the opposite, and letting him affirm it for you. If you are worried that you don't know what to do, smile at him and tell him, "I can do anything I want to you."
Later I'll explain what to do when you get stuck and don't know where to go next. For now, deal with eliminating distractions like insecurity. You will feel entirely different about the experience when you don't have to deal with that baggage.
Expectations of your partner
This is probably the most common and most damaging roadblock to domination. I've already talked again and again about how your partner must toss all of his expectations and desires into the trash during this growth stage for you.
There is nothing more damaging to the mindset and comfort of a woman than knowing her partner is expecting something, wanting something, or is dissatisfied with her performance. This completely undermines the essence of domination, and I urge you to consider these men as not submissives, but men with agendas and a lack of empathy and understanding for women and the nature of human interaction. Believe it or not, there are ways to have desires and agendas without undermining the confidence of your partner.
Even to this day, when I encounter this kind of thing in a domination session, it destroys my mindframe and ruins my time. I usually stop everything and often do not even attempt to try it again with that person. Unfortunately, you may not be in that situation if this person is your spouse or lover.
At this stage in your domination development, any expression of a desire, want, or expectation when you are actually in your dominant role is completely off limits. It may seem harsh, but I believe it is completely necessary to build your dominant self confidence and find your own pleasure in domination before you start juggling the desires of your partner - especially if he expresses them inappropriately.
You must communicate this to your partner so he knows how serious this is. In good time, tell him, once you have learned to enjoy dominance in your own way, you will be ready to sit down and look at his fetishes and fantasies and figure out how to incorporate them into your style (and realistically, you probably won't do it with all of them).
For now, he must vow to you, especially in your first scenes together, that he will not interrupt your train of thought or process by asking for something related to his own kinky desires. Period. It is perfectly fine for him to alert you to a problem he may be having - this is quite different from, "I would really like it if you would paddle me."
Along the same lines, you must eliminate all spoken and unspoken expectations regarding what dominance should look like. In other words, do not adopt any of the traditional, stereotypical styles that either of you may have heard of. Some examples are:
Specific "toys"
Do not use toys at all in the beginning.
Protocol
Definitely stay away from things like making him call you "Mistress" or you call him "slave"
Dress
There is no dress code. Wear whatever makes you feel comfortable.
The reason I am insisting on this is because, chances are, these are tools that will just pile up in the "expectations" ring. They will make you feel like you are dressing up for a part, playing a role that is not you. You will feel like you are trying to "live up" to those women in S&M stories or movies you might have seen. You will feel like the only way you are powerful is if you pretend to be something you are not.
Granted, you may find some of the above tools to be empowering. And, in time, you might adopt many of them into your style. However, initially, I strongly urge you to stay away from props and roles. Your dominance should be purely from inside of you, and the tools you use should be those you carry inside of you.
When I think back to my early domination games, I wonder what would have happened if a partner kind of introduced me to it first, but then also introduced me to the entire range of "S&M" lingo, tools, and literature. I think I would have been bewildered and confused. I was not interested in props, I was interested in playing sexy, erotic games with my partner. If I had a myriad of strange tools and props before me, I probably would have been intimidated and overwhelmed, and my first experiences would have been awkward and uncomfortable.
The adoption of tools into my play was gradual and exciting. At 16, I was not buying dog collars, leashes, blindfolds and big red ball gags. I was using silk scarves (or my boyfriend's tie), handcuffs from the magic shop or simply ordering him to "hold still". He was not calling me "Mistress"; the power in his reaction was simply that he addressed me, always, by looking into my eyes and saying my name. That was far more erotic than any fantasy word someone plucked out of a book. And it made an impression that helped me build my dominant side from that day forward.
Analyzing too much
This is very similar to the self-questioning and insecurity issues. Again, it has to do with being too much in your own head. Can you imagine how unsatisfying sex would be if you were analyzing it the entire time? Wondering if what you were doing felt good to him, or if you were turning him on?
The hard, fast rule is this: If you find yourself thinking too much, stop. The only thing important enough to cause self doubt or questioning should be related to emergencies and safety (which will be of less concern in these initial scenes you will be trying, but should still always be in your head). The things that should occupy your mindspace are things related to what you would enjoy, first and foremost.
When I am dominating my partner, my mind is clear from nagging distractions. What I feel is a very heightened sense of awareness. I am not sure where this comes from. I have heard that other women do feel this sometimes, too. It is an amazing feeling.
Scripting: Too much or too little
Once you get some of the basic steps mastered, you will probably start having more in-depth domination experiences. One of the roadblocks I see in novice dommes is the tendency to either plan too much or plan too little.
When you plan too much, you get stuck on a path and things are too structured. One of the most exciting things about domination is its unpredictable nature. If you are stuck in a structure or script that you want to follow, you will wind up in your head again too much. You will find that he does things you did not plan for, and then you are busy thinking of what to do next.
The opposite problem is when you plan too little. If you don't put any thought into it, you will wind up having him helpless before you, and then not know what to do next. This is another thing that undermines your confidence as you feel like you built up this tension and then let him down.
There are a few things you can do to avoid this. One is to plan, but don't plan with any structure. Instead, think of several things that you want to do. Imagine yourself doing them. In your head, go through the motions of how you would accomplish it. Imagine the desired reaction of your partner.
Don't put these things into any specific order. Instead, just consider that you will probably do them, and do them when the mood hits you once you start.
Guilt/fear
If you are playing with intense emotions, you might find yourself feeling unsure or guilty about what you are doing or feeling. It is natural to feel uncomfortable if you realize that you are really getting turned on by making your partner do something for you or endure a completely different role than he is used to.
I used to have a very hard time with guilt, especially after we were done doing our scene. I didn't have as much trouble with guilt during the domination; I was having too much fun and enjoying the sensations.
Then, later, I would look back and think, "Oh my god. I can't believe I just did that. I can't believe I enjoyed that!". I was afraid to talk to my partner about it because I felt uncomfortable and weird.
I came to realize that this was just a very emotional, vulnerable time for me. I needed reassurance just to know that my partner was completely fine with what I did, and in fact enjoyed it tremendously.
The only thing that will help you deal with feelings of guilt or fear is reassurance from your partner and having security about what you are doing. Here are a few things that might help:
Before, during, and after your domination, have him say to you, "I want this," or "I need this." Don't feel shy about having him give him positive reinforcement any time you feel you need it. Don't feel like you are not being dominant if you ask for feedback. Use statements that don't undermine your control. For example, don't say, "Do you want me to stop?" - instead, say "Tell me how this is making you feel" or "Tell me, is this getting to be too much for you?".
You can ask, "Are you ok?".
In many of my early scenes, and sometimes with new partners who I don't know very intimately, I use a "check in" voice. It was never a planned thing, it just sort of happened. It might be helpful for you, too.
Basically, my domination "mode" is much more assertive, demanding and powerful. I speak slightly louder and use very direct questions. I use a lot of eye contact. If I felt like I was unsure about something, or about moving forward, I would take a very brief "pitstop" that was subtle and quick enough to not interfere with the pace or atmosphere. Usually it consists of two words, spoken quietly, or whispered - "You ok?". His response will probably be equally brief, and you may notice he also speaks out of his typical mode - either a quick nod, or a whisper of, "I'm fine." If you feel you need to "check in", do.
There should always be a strong communication flow between you and your partner. You should feel confident that you are doing fine and he is doing fine, mostly by his reactions and by checking in as needed. If you don't feel comfortable with your domination, and it is related to guilt or discomfort with your role, you need to talk to your partner about it.
< Message edited by AAkasha -- 7/14/2012 12:09:54 PM >
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