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Being a Domme & a Mom - 7/17/2012 6:46:46 AM   
ElsieIsme


Posts: 9
Joined: 5/25/2012
Status: offline 		I am new to the lifestyle & loving it. I have found a sub with similar limits & desires who I'm enjoying training.

I have 2 children under 8 who live with me 80% of the time (I have them 5 days/6 nights a week) & I'm struggling with the practicalities of being a Domme & a Mom.

I'm fortunate that my children sleep through (most of) the night & also that they like my 'friend'.

Is there anyone out there dealing with a similar situation (D/s relationship with a sub who is not their child(den)s father) who would be willing to chat (publicly or privately) about the practicalities of it?
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RE: Being a Domme & a Mom - 7/17/2012 7:19:54 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Unless I know I want my 'friends' to be an integral part of my personal life, my children will never EVER even meet them.

I've always been exceedingly protective of 'mine'. If any potential cannot handle being kept seperate from my family until I know I can trust them with my family, then they are not potentials for me. On this, I am completely unwavering. My desires and fun ALWAYS will be less important than my family.

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RE: Being a Domme & a Mom - 7/17/2012 8:09:10 AM   
MissAsylum


Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Unless I know I want my 'friends' to be an integral part of my personal life, my children will never EVER even meet them.

I've always been exceedingly protective of 'mine'. If any potential cannot handle being kept seperate from my family until I know I can trust them with my family, then they are not potentials for me. On this, I am completely unwavering. My desires and fun ALWAYS will be less important than my family.


This.

My mom wasn't a domme (to my knowledge), but my brother and I won out over what she wanted every single time.

Maybe its not the best time for your relationship.

Just a thought.

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RE: Being a Domme & a Mom - 7/17/2012 9:18:37 AM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline 		I served a Domme for several years who had young children. They were far too young to understand BDSM, D/s, or even sex. So there was little chance of them understanding what was going on.

They never saw me in any state other than fully clothed. Moreover, they knew me as the man who "works for mommy". So it didn't seem unusual to see me at their home on a frequent basis doing household chores.

Rather than try to hide our D/s relationship, we tried to make it look as normal and vanilla as possible. I was essentially a handyman or landscaper in their eyes.

Of course, if your D/s relationship is primarily sexual rather than service oriented, then this might not work.

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RE: Being a Domme & a Mom - 7/17/2012 3:23:39 PM   
xLaChienne


Posts: 259
Joined: 11/12/2011
Status: offline 		What, specifically, are you have difficulties with?

I suppose much depends on how you want your children to view your friend. It's going to seem odd (later) that your friend is cooking meals, cleaning the house, mowing the yard, etc. It's not going to seem odd if this is someone you hired to help out. Then again, it would seem odd to have the hired help sleeping over. It's not going to seem odd if he is your boyfriend.

So are you presenting him as a friend, boyfriend, partner? Is he staying the night in your bed? Because the kids are going to view that as something much more than friendship.

I never introduced My partners to My children when they were young unless we were already in an established LTR. Besides their father, there has been only one other man in our house, in My bed, and we had a very loving, traditional relationship in their eyes that lasted many years. They never batted an eye at someone doing the housekeeping, cooking, grounds, etc. as it was very common for us to use a service for these things or for Me to hire someone for a couple months. They just assumed whomever was part of that and had no idea it was actually a service sub.

If your dynamic is primarily sexual and you don't want your children to bond with this man or you don't see him as partner potential then it might be best to keep the dynamic outside of the house and away from your children. As you have two days and one night a week in which you don't have them, it might be prudent to focus on Domme time then.

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RE: Being a Domme & a Mom - 7/17/2012 3:26:39 PM   
Kaiel


Posts: 748
Joined: 4/17/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Unless I know I want my 'friends' to be an integral part of my personal life, my children will never EVER even meet them.

I've always been exceedingly protective of 'mine'. If any potential cannot handle being kept seperate from my family until I know I can trust them with my family, then they are not potentials for me. On this, I am completely unwavering. My desires and fun ALWAYS will be less important than my family.



I agree with this! If the person you are engaging with is simply a play partner, I don't believe your children should know and/or meet them. I think your playing should be kept to the 20% of the time you don't have your kids.

Roch mentioned that he was viewed as the handyman etc... I have had this situation too, if My children have seen someone at the house frequently- they know it's someone that "works" for mommy from time to time. However, interaction with My children during that work (and at any other time) is null and void.

< Message edited by Kaiel -- 7/17/2012 3:27:08 PM >

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RE: Being a Domme & a Mom - 7/17/2012 3:29:08 PM   
JanahX


Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline 		Do your kids go to public/private school?

I would keep it on the DOWNLOW like WAY downlow... unless you want one of your kids to write an essay or in art class draw a picture of what my family does on summer vacation.

Or on the playground tells a "circle" of frinds about .... and then those kids go and tell their parents and then those parents call up so and so .. and then ...

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RE: Being a Domme & a Mom - 7/17/2012 3:31:07 PM   
divi


Posts: 11109
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline 		Why would your kids know what you do in your bedroom?

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RE: Being a Domme & a Mom - 7/17/2012 3:47:35 PM   
JanahX


Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline 		I know that when I was a kid - and when my parents wernt "around" I would look under their bed and shit - looking for treasures. Kids are just super curious.

Also - OP -====> how do you guys stay quiet? I know Im noisy as hell - I wouldnt be surprised if they can hear me two blocks away.

And I normally have bruising from the tip of my head to the bottom of my toes - which is always fun to make up lies to tell people when they ask "what the fuck happened to you?"

< Message edited by JanahX -- 7/17/2012 3:56:40 PM >

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RE: Being a Domme & a Mom - 7/17/2012 4:01:47 PM   
ElsieIsme


Posts: 9
Joined: 5/25/2012
Status: offline 		I should have been clearer earlier & didn't get to reply until now.

My sub & I are in a romantic relationship so it is not a case of a random (potentially changing) guy doing chores about the house. He is presented to them as someone who loves their Mom.

I guess I'm wondering how those of you who have dealt with the transition from vanilla in front of the kids to D/s 'after hours' managed.

I'm not 100% sure what I'm looking for in this thread... maybe just a bit of BTDT wisdom :-)

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RE: Being a Domme & a Mom - 7/17/2012 4:10:27 PM   
xLaChienne


Posts: 259
Joined: 11/12/2011
Status: offline 		In My previous relationship, the D/s aspect was always present. There was no transition. The only difference was in how it was presented.

Like any relationship, there are things that are appropriate in front of the kids and things that aren't. The dynamic itself can be always present in subtle, and lovely ways that are fun and creative.

I need to run but I'm sure others can expand on that idea.

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RE: Being a Domme & a Mom - 7/17/2012 4:15:48 PM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline 		Since you're already in a relationship with your sub and the kids know him as your boyfriend, then it sounds like what you need to do is devise some type of ritual that will help you transition. It doesn't have to be complex; something as simple as serving you a glass of wine and rubbing your feet or running a bath for you will work. Whatever it is, it should be meaningful to the two of you.

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RE: Being a Domme & a Mom - 7/17/2012 4:38:19 PM   
Kaiel


Posts: 748
Joined: 4/17/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ElsieIsme

I should have been clearer earlier & didn't get to reply until now.

My sub & I are in a romantic relationship so it is not a case of a random (potentially changing) guy doing chores about the house. He is presented to them as someone who loves their Mom.

I guess I'm wondering how those of you who have dealt with the transition from vanilla in front of the kids to D/s 'after hours' managed.

I'm not 100% sure what I'm looking for in this thread... maybe just a bit of BTDT wisdom :-)



Hello,

glad you explained a little...

My hubby-sub and I are in a D/s relationship ( we met on here actually 5 years ago). Anyway, there is always a D/s dynamic in My house, it's just not overt or sexual around the children. My children view "Mom" as the boss and daddy, Well, daddy's the nice one... and he happens to do what mom wants, pretty much.

We transition into a more overt D/s roll after hours and it usually starts with him presenting to Me naked. ;)



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RE: Being a Domme & a Mom - 7/17/2012 7:32:48 PM   
Fornica


Posts: 2986
Status: offline 		I'm a Domme, and have 6 kiddos under 13. I'd be happy to share my experiences via PM.


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RE: Being a Domme & a Mom - 7/17/2012 10:26:59 PM   
kittycake


Posts: 42
Joined: 3/1/2012
Status: offline 		Neither a domme nor a mother, but...
My very first domme was a mother. I knew she was a mother, and I respected that about her. That meant that her children came first, period. If we had a date scheduled, but something came up with the kids, she'd cancel on me.

She and I were seeing each other for six months before I met her children, and that really only in passing, as I was introduced as her friend.

My belief is, that when you have children, they become the first priority. This can make being a domme hard, I'm sure, since it limits your time. However, having children would limit your time with any new relationship, D/s or otherwise. I'd suggest keeping things very casual on the days when you are child-free, and if it evolves into something more serious down the road, then introducing them.

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RE: Being a Domme & a Mom - 7/20/2012 1:09:47 PM   
bighappygoth39


Posts: 633
Joined: 10/7/2009
Status: offline 		I don't think I need to go into too much detail out here, and am happy to chat through messages.

Though I'm not living with my partner yet, we are in a long term relationship, and since that was established, my children have seen him as my boyfriend. They're all aged over 13, and they see their own dad regularly, so they don't see him as a father figure, but more as someone who loves their mum, as you've said.
I'm lucky that I get to spend plenty of kid-free time with him, but he's also spent enough time around them to get to know them well enough as well.
As for the D/s side of things, the dynamic is always there. Most of the obvious things are very easy to put into place (him not kneeling at my feet in front of them, etc), and if the kids are in the house when he's here overnight, I just have to make sure I'm a lot quieter than I usually am.
All of it can take a bit of getting used to, but if the relationship has solid enough foundations and structure, I don't think there should be a problem, unless the kids start to see their mum unhappy, of course.
Anyway, I'll stop waffling now, and feel free to message me if you've got any questions.

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RE: Being a Domme & a Mom - 7/20/2012 1:17:14 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

I guess I'm wondering how those of you who have dealt with the transition from vanilla in front of the kids to D/s 'after hours' managed.


I feel like I'm missing something here - isn't it the same as a vanilla couple not bringing their sex life out of the bedroom?

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RE: Being a Domme & a Mom - 7/20/2012 1:21:09 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

I guess I'm wondering how those of you who have dealt with the transition from vanilla in front of the kids to D/s 'after hours' managed.


I feel like I'm missing something here - isn't it the same as a vanilla couple not bringing their sex life out of the bedroom?


That's pretty much what I am thinking but hey, what do I know.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Being a Domme & a Mom - 7/20/2012 8:53:30 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		dont over complicate it. You do not need to transition, really. They can either see you as the one in charge, which as Mom isnt hard, and him the loving doting boyfriend or they can see you two as equals. When you two are alone, thats when the D/s happens, whether it is strickly sexual or if it is control based it can be one when there is no one around. If you want to control him even when there are others present, set up the rules in private and stick to them. When we go visit family (we dont have kids yet but this is what we already discussed) Fox has rules. If he wants to leave the room, rather than asking he asks if I want anything while he is up. Instead of asking permission to do things, he asks how Id like to do them. Little things that sound perfectly normal if someone doesnt know the context.

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RE: Being a Domme & a Mom - 7/24/2012 1:33:58 PM   
ElsieIsme


Posts: 9
Joined: 5/25/2012
Status: offline 		I got some great ideas on here and by PM and things have been working WAY better. I am finding my way and we are all good.

Thanks everyone.

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
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